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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend burned the bridge. AIBU to not send a boat?

230 replies

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 05/09/2016 00:20

I had a friend from age 10 to around 27. We were the best of friends. Closer than sisters. I moved almost 200 miles away as an adult and kept in touch through phone calls and occasional visits. She had a child then I had one. We talked often (about her child and mine) and about our daily lives, pets, parents, partners, work etc...
After a while she stopped taking most of my calls (pressing reject) or getting someone to say she wasn't in. Texts and emails dwindled. I tried to find out what I had done to no avail. All contact ceased. I was hurt.

A few years later I got a grovelling text saying how she was sorry and understood if I didn't want to speak to her again. My reply asked why she cut off contact. Her answer threw me. "She didn't want to talk about kids"
I get it, all I had in my life was my kids but conversations from her were about her kid too and she couldn't have just said? Or changed the subject (though children were NOT all we ever talked about anyway!) So I apologised and we began talking again, with me trying to hardly mention anyone's children. After about a month it all stopped again! Contact dwindled to no replies at all. So I said, "Screw it"

Until 7 months later I got ANOTHER text! So, offering an olive branch I replied.... Only for her to never reply again.

Now 5 years later I've had a grovelling message AGAIN. And a family member received one too asking them to get me to hear her out. What do I do? AIBU to just leave that message and any subsequent messages sitting in that little Message requests folder forever? Angry

OP posts:
TheresAJaffaCakeInMyPocket · 11/09/2016 03:06

Tibbles, i had similar. Only contacted me again to be nosy or get praise!

Op, don't reply again.

Pilgit · 11/09/2016 07:23

My initial thought was perhaps depression as I have lost a lot of friends as I haven't been able to carry friendships (I was always the one to keep up contact via calls etc). However it is a bit odd that it's just you and that isn't typical of depression.

RaeSkywalker · 11/09/2016 10:07

Tibbles that is awful Sad

winkywinkola · 11/09/2016 13:18

Tibbles, that ex friend of yours sounds like a real weirdo. Keep well away from that one! Shudder.

SandyPantz · 11/09/2016 19:54

I'ld call her on it and say "how strange, my number hasn't changed and I didn't get any messages that I haven't replied to"
and leave it at that

I had that once from an ex friend who couldn't make up her mind if she still wanted to be friends with me or not.. she was on facebook getting engaged and planning her wedding, I sent her a congratulations message and "how are the plans going" but no reply. About 2 weeks before the wedding she asked if I was coming (I later found out her RSVP rate had been VERY low as she'ld done a non local weekday term time wedding that most people couldn't make). I said "well, no, I didn't get an invite so I haven't made plans to go". She said "Oh how silly of me, I must have sent it to your old address"

No mate
You never had my old address.
I didn't even know you until shortly after I moved to my current address which I still lived in at that point.

It did fizzle out not long after that.
She made some comments about how I was the only one she was still in contact with from X work place and we really should keep in touch… which I now realise meant that she wasn't really interested in me, she just sometimes felt she should be in touch "for old times" Hmm

JinkxMonsoon · 12/09/2016 11:20

I think the PPs who mentioned the fact she offered no explanation in her initial message were very astute. There's a reason for that and it's probably to do with wanting the ego boost of you being interested in why she's gone AWOL (again) and wanting to be friends again.

I know I wouldn't have any time for that bullshit, personally.

I wonder what triggered each of the four olive branches?

Ultimately OP, you just need to ask yourself: has she said or done one nice thing to you over the last umpteen years? The answer's going to be no.

MintyChops · 12/09/2016 12:00

She is just going to bullshit you about imaginary messages sent to numbers that haven't changed, Facebook accounts that she isn't blocked from etc etc. Fuck that. I would shut this down now by saying something like "I don't think there is any point in pursuing this. Whatever friendship we once had is in the past. I wish you well but please do not contact me again."

Original poster
MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 12/09/2016 13:55

She's sent messages talking about kids, schools, my wedding and even the weather. I'm not going into any details but replying civilly (if not tersely). I am curious to see if she will bring up her reasoning for a) dumping me repeatedly and b) getting back in touch. We'll see.
This whole thing does make me sad I admit. The things she's telling me or asking me about is shit that we should already know. Stuff that we both should have been part of - like my wedding for example. Such a shame

Oh well..

OP posts:
Tibblesthecat · 12/09/2016 14:35

Is she just grilling you for information to satisfy her own curiousity?

I don't mean to be unkind but what happens when she has 'caught up' on your life. Are you going to meet up? Go for dinner? Meet each other's families? Or will it fizzle out before she gets a chance to shut you out again?

Have you asked her the reason for her multiple silences?
To be fair, I understand she is saving face by telling you she previously sent messages etc. She is avoiding an awkward exchange. But she should have the courage to apologise and explain. If she can't do this even in writing where it is much easier than face to face, I'm afraid it doesn't say much about her character.

Take care of yourself.

USbound · 12/09/2016 17:48

It is so random she keeps coming in and out of your life and seems to want to blame you each time for lack of contact.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/09/2016 21:18

IDK, I might be tempted to get right down to the brass tacks.

"You contacted my relative asking her to ask me to 'hear you out' about your disappearing repeatedly from my life. What exactly was it you wanted me to hear?"

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2016 21:39

"She's sent messages talking about kids, schools, my wedding and even the weather. I'm not going into any details but replying civilly (if not tersely)."
So basically she's sweeping it all under the carpet and pretending that everything is OK. And your civil replies are letting her do that. Sorry, but she's playing you. She wanted you to hear her out but she's still offering no explanation, just reeling you in. I think you'd be better maintaining radio silence, or telling her to stop playing games.

TendonQueen · 12/09/2016 22:14

Agree with WhereYouLeftIt. If she wanted to explain anything to you, she could have done so by now. Replying to her is telling her that actually you won't push for an explanation. I would go silent now or ask 'so what was it you urgently wanted to get hold of me for?' (Bet that wouldn't get a reply though)

MommaGee · 13/09/2016 01:20

Sounds lie she just wabts to know what is going on for you before she goes AWOL again. Hope you can protect your heart OP

e1y1 · 13/09/2016 01:27

Once, forgiveable. Twice gullible. Three times no way!

RaeSkywalker · 13/09/2016 03:35

Please don't get sucked in OP. I agree with others, ask her to explain now.

It's infuriating that now she wants to talk about the children, you're presumably 'allowed' to do so 🙄

eddielizzard · 13/09/2016 06:51

well i think you have your answer. she didn't have a good reason or she would have told you by now and everything would be hunky dory. instead she just wants to continue her old pattern of picking you up when she feels like it and dumping you when it suits.

i wouldn't reply to any more messages, or say something if you want to get it off your chest but this isn't going anywhere is it?

0pti0na1 · 13/09/2016 10:11

I wonder if there's a reason she can't pluck up courage to tell you about Confused

Raines100 · 13/09/2016 10:35

Weirdly, I had a friend just like this. Hadn't heard from her for years, then a couple of times she's sent these random gushing messages, and then it's all gone cold, or she's pushed to meet up, then cancelled on the day- bizarre behaviour. I couldn't care less. The issue is hers, not mine. I generally send affable replies to her messages when they crop up as I don't see the need to have any bad air between us.

My weird friend honestly doesn't affect me, but you sound like your weird friend upsets you. In that case, I would ignore her. You've tried and know nothing will come of it. Don't allow her to stir you up.

ample · 13/09/2016 10:46

MyKids I suspect your old friend who is not a friend will do the same to you again.
She wasn't interested in getting in touch. Why bother asking after her anymore. You may never get to the bottom of it and perhaps she's just looking for some attention again and she could always count on you to reply?
You stopped bringing up certain subjects of conversations at her request and still she couldn't be a friend to you. Sounds as if you have a good head on your shoulders and you've moved on.
My curiosity wouldn't get the better of me on this one.
Past is past, I would leave her there.

mrsvilliers · 13/09/2016 13:38

yy to Acrossthepond's suggestion. My gyes song is you'll never hear from her again if you do that.

mrsvilliers · 13/09/2016 13:39

Guess! No idea what gyes is Confused

HarryPottersMagicWand · 13/09/2016 14:34

See, when she said she had tried to contact, I wouldn't have been able to help myself from saying "well my phone number hasn't changed in 10 years and there are no messages in my Facebook inbox" call her out on it.

I had a friend who ended up being a bit of a bitch to me for no real reason. When she was telling me the 'terrible' things I had done, I called her out on something quite nasty she did (not sure that she knew I knew) and I got her crappy excuses. Don't think she was expecting me to say anything so couldn't really respond, unless it was to apologise, which it wasn't. I hate it when people like this get away with acting like a dick. And they do because people generally let them.

OP you are worth more. Clearly she isn't going to apologise or admit her behaviour, sounds like she is trying to pick up where she left off, again. Tell her to do one if she doesn't have anything worth while to say.

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 18/09/2016 18:22

Just catching up on this thread to find out what had happened. How annoying that she is not telling you. Stop replying to her, has she disappeared again?

LaContessaDiPlump · 18/09/2016 18:37

I'd reply saying 'Is there something in particular you wanted from me?' this time, op. Or else I reply with 'Ah, I assume you eant to catch up on my life to date as it's been a while. I've changed career and am now a freelance tarantula trainer, DC1 has self-dentified as a unicorn and DC2 is the youngest prison guard ever taken on by Wormwood Scrubs. Can't wait to speak to you again in 10 years time! Love and hugs from us (and our lovable ghost Oswald of course ) xxxx

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