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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend burned the bridge. AIBU to not send a boat?

230 replies

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 05/09/2016 00:20

I had a friend from age 10 to around 27. We were the best of friends. Closer than sisters. I moved almost 200 miles away as an adult and kept in touch through phone calls and occasional visits. She had a child then I had one. We talked often (about her child and mine) and about our daily lives, pets, parents, partners, work etc...
After a while she stopped taking most of my calls (pressing reject) or getting someone to say she wasn't in. Texts and emails dwindled. I tried to find out what I had done to no avail. All contact ceased. I was hurt.

A few years later I got a grovelling text saying how she was sorry and understood if I didn't want to speak to her again. My reply asked why she cut off contact. Her answer threw me. "She didn't want to talk about kids"
I get it, all I had in my life was my kids but conversations from her were about her kid too and she couldn't have just said? Or changed the subject (though children were NOT all we ever talked about anyway!) So I apologised and we began talking again, with me trying to hardly mention anyone's children. After about a month it all stopped again! Contact dwindled to no replies at all. So I said, "Screw it"

Until 7 months later I got ANOTHER text! So, offering an olive branch I replied.... Only for her to never reply again.

Now 5 years later I've had a grovelling message AGAIN. And a family member received one too asking them to get me to hear her out. What do I do? AIBU to just leave that message and any subsequent messages sitting in that little Message requests folder forever? Angry

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 05/09/2016 01:04

It does sound like there was something going on, relationship problems or bouts of depression possibly. That said this seems to be an all or nothing friendship so maybe last time when you spoke often but it all ended within a month it was too much too soon ?
Could you not invest everything in this friendship but just be glad you are back in touch and not try to force it to a best friend status straight away and take it as glad to be back in touch and let the friendship evolve and find its own level rather than go from no contact to talking every day in one jump. Maybe it was all too much too soon last time ?

LellyMcKelly · 05/09/2016 01:04

I'd hear her out. You don't know what her life has been like. She may have had a partner who hated her friends, or who wanted to cut her off. Hear her out. You're under no obligation to do anything and you might get your friend back.

0pti0na1 · 05/09/2016 01:06

I think there's probably more going on in her life than meets the eye, and "not wanting to talk about kids" might not be the real reason. I would hear her out, but first say there are no future opportunities if she isn't completely honest with you, because it's too hurtful to be repeatedly let down. You'll either have a heart to heart and clear the air, or things will feel the same as last time, in which case say to her that you're no longer able to keep in touch and you wish her good luck for the future.

Counterpane · 05/09/2016 01:29

You should never have apologized for talking about kids when she came back the first time, she was implying your life was boring and you accepted that - you shouldn't have.

I would let the family member know the boat sailed long ago and just ignore her. She clearly thinks her shit is more important than yours and it isn't.

Pecena · 05/09/2016 01:54

I'd be curious to find out, but whatever she says, could you ever trust her again? Even if 3 years had gone by and she'd done nothing wrong, would you be able to believe that she wasn't capable of dropping you at any moment.

So, if it were me, I'd hear her out but when she's finished speaking, I'd say that you only spoke to her because you wanted closure and she must surely realise that she's caused the friendship to breakdown beyond repair but you wish her a happy life.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/09/2016 02:01

Be nosey if you want to (I probably would!), but don't leave yourself exposed to her dumping you for a 4th time.

You could say thanks for explaining as it caused you much hurt at the time, and that you wish her well.

Then step away swiftly.

AnnaMarlowe · 05/09/2016 02:03

I tend to operate on the basis that it's not what people say that's important, it's what they do.

I'm quite good at forgiving, I'm really rubbish at forgetting.

It would need to be a really, really, really good explanation.

TaterTots · 05/09/2016 02:12

I always feel my eyes beginning to roll when someone throws 'gracious' into the mix on here...

Going back to the OP, I personally wouldn't be in any rush to give her another chance. I find it odd that, as a society, we've been conditioned to believe friendships should be preserved at all costs, whereas no one would encourage you to reunite with a partner who behaved in the same way.

Ask yourself 'If I had a partner who'd dumped me twice in the same circumstances and then came crawling back for a third chance, would I take him back?' Then you'll have your answer.

Assamteaformeplease · 05/09/2016 02:19

Get back in touch (to be nosey) but keep the relationship low key and on your terms

KickAssAngel · 05/09/2016 02:23

If it turns out that she has been in an abusive relationship where she got cut off from all her friends, I would forgive her, but still be wary. Otherwise, not a chance.

Gyderlily · 05/09/2016 02:27

I definitely wouldn't be able to control my curiosity but then I am by my own admission, very nosey! desperately hoping you do find out and report backGrin

Atenco · 05/09/2016 03:33

Oh this reminds me of a male friend who I was very fond of and we did each other quite a lot of favours. We worked in the same place and he would suddenly stop talking to me for a week or so and then start again. It seems like he suffered from paranoia and thought I was doing things against him. I let him get away with maybe five times, but then I decided his friendship just wasn't worth it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2016 05:00

This is a tricky one. How do you feel when she does this? It's sounds as if there are mental health issues at play.

If I could hazard a guess, I would imagine you intimidate her in some way - self confidence, success, children's achievements or ability as a mother. If I'm right, she probably needs to withdraw at times to regroup. Then having taken too long, she feels embarrassed and self loathes and struggles to be in contact with you again. Generally speaking, when people act in a nasty or perculiar way, the issue is not about you, but them.

That said, you are under no obligation to take her back as a friend. You need to value yourself above all others.

sixandoot · 05/09/2016 05:09

Certainly it's absolutely reasonable for you to choose not to expend any more of your headspace or energy on her.
I would guess she was perhaps going through phases of depression or other overwhelming circumstances and from time to time she came to the top of a slightly more manageable peak and contacted you and then she again slid into troughs.

ohfourfoxache · 05/09/2016 05:35

Please please don't think that I'm "playing the mental health card" but it's quite possible that she has a problem.

My godmother suffers from anxiety and depression. She essentially disappeared for 20+ years and it was only because of Google that we found her again. Thankfully she has had/is on treatment and we are all back in sporadic contact (about 2 years and still very much early days situation).

I've also been guilty of this. I've lost contact because I haven't replied to people. It goes for so long that I get embarrassed by the length of time I've been under a rock and then just desperately try to bury the memory of being so crap. It has got better since starting anti depressants but I'm acutely aware that I'm still "odd" and a really crap friend (I do try, very hard- it's just that I feel like people I care about are usually better off without me because I let them down).

I'm not saying that you should put up with it, there is no doubt that you haven't been treated well by someone who is supposed to be a friend. Depression or no depression, you shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour. But I am just trying to offer an alternative view Thanks

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/09/2016 06:00

I would probably be too curious not to respond. But O would do so with no intention of being friends with her again. More along the lines of "If you ever want to get in touch again, provide an explanation for your previous behaviour and I will consider responding." and just leave it at that. Then if she did respond with an explanation, I could read it and not respond.

But YANBU to completely ignore it. Do whatever will make you happiest. You don't owe her any consideration at all.

Scrumptiousbears · 05/09/2016 06:15

Id listen to her reasoning and tell her how you feel before leaving her to it.

OnionKnight · 05/09/2016 06:31

I'd ignore her.

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 05/09/2016 06:31

You've sent out enough olive branches. It's up to her now to make the effort. She's hurt you three times, I wouldn't want to be hurt a fourth time. Find out what the reason is this time if you want to, but I certainly wouldn't want to go through it all again so I wouldn't continue the friendship. You don't owe her anything.

winterinmadeira · 05/09/2016 06:37

Nah stuff her. You have had this from her a couple of times now. You modified your behaviour before and still she went back to not contacting you and returning txts etc. She's had enough chances.

quasibex · 05/09/2016 06:38

From the perspective of an absent friend. I've entirely withdrawn from contact with two of my dear friends because they couldn't support decisions I made at an awful time in my life (the decisions were all about my family and I, they twisted it to be about them IMO but general opinion seems split on who is most unreasonable).

We limped on for a while but being in touch with them just dredged up all the bad feeling associated with that time. As a self preservation option I just dwindled contact away to nothing (yes I know this is a shitty thing to do).

I miss them dearly but I'm not ready to make a real effort with these wonderful ladies yet (that's if they ever gave me a second chance) so I keep my distance. I hope that if I were to ever get in touch to try and repair the past that the strength of our previous friendship would be enough to at least restart a civil contact.

OP you've already given this woman a chance to rebuild your friendship...twice. In my opinion that's enough, she clearly doesn't value you enough to try hard enough to stay in touch. Irrespective of what's she's going through, if she valued your friendship she wouldn't toy with it.

Ultimately only you can decide if she's worth the effort though.

bittapitta · 05/09/2016 06:40

Not wanting to talk about kids when you both had kids? Smacks of PND imo. Definitely read forfoxsake post above and go in with forgiving attitude if it is depression.

Tiredtomybones · 05/09/2016 06:45

I'd hear her out and then decide. Be strong if it's not going to work for you though.

Rainbowunicorn71 · 05/09/2016 06:47

I would hear her out (from sheer nosiness if nothing else!!) then be clear that the ball's in her court friendship wise. So return/answer her calls but don't start "chasing" her by emails, text and phone call. It may dwindle out or there may be a genuine reason.

SideEye · 05/09/2016 06:50

The whole point of a friend is that they are friendly.

She's repeatedly given you the cold shoulder. I would suggest not getting back in contact, although I think if I was in that position I would hear her out. Really hard though, she has been so horrible to you.

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