Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Original poster

Friend burned the bridge. AIBU to not send a boat?

230 replies

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 05/09/2016 00:20

I had a friend from age 10 to around 27. We were the best of friends. Closer than sisters. I moved almost 200 miles away as an adult and kept in touch through phone calls and occasional visits. She had a child then I had one. We talked often (about her child and mine) and about our daily lives, pets, parents, partners, work etc...
After a while she stopped taking most of my calls (pressing reject) or getting someone to say she wasn't in. Texts and emails dwindled. I tried to find out what I had done to no avail. All contact ceased. I was hurt.

A few years later I got a grovelling text saying how she was sorry and understood if I didn't want to speak to her again. My reply asked why she cut off contact. Her answer threw me. "She didn't want to talk about kids"
I get it, all I had in my life was my kids but conversations from her were about her kid too and she couldn't have just said? Or changed the subject (though children were NOT all we ever talked about anyway!) So I apologised and we began talking again, with me trying to hardly mention anyone's children. After about a month it all stopped again! Contact dwindled to no replies at all. So I said, "Screw it"

Until 7 months later I got ANOTHER text! So, offering an olive branch I replied.... Only for her to never reply again.

Now 5 years later I've had a grovelling message AGAIN. And a family member received one too asking them to get me to hear her out. What do I do? AIBU to just leave that message and any subsequent messages sitting in that little Message requests folder forever?

OP posts:

gamerchick · 06/09/2016 07:58

I wouldn't be tempted to contact her. She sounds like too much hard work. Tell your mutual friend if she pushes it that you're not interested.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 06/09/2016 08:53

No way would I contact her. After the first time, yes. The second time, probably. The third time, absolutely not.

It sounds as though there's a real risk that even if you did reply, she'd probably not even acknowledge it. And you'd feel like total shit.

RedLarvaYellowLarva · 06/09/2016 09:17

Ah, I'd thought maybe she only had one, wanted more and that was the issue. Well I don't know then!
I'd leave it, I don't welcome drama into my life.

Mumite · 06/09/2016 10:15

It's only drama if you make it drama though, isn't it really?

It does take strength to say to yourself "Oh well, that's what she's like, dropping in and dropping out, I don't need to know more..."

But that's what I'd aim to do if I really had considered this person a close friend for 17 years and she hadn't done anything more to hurt me than disappear. Loads and loads of people with depression and anxiety disappear because they feel that staying in contact they are inevitably going to burden the other person with their worries.

FB is obviously not the same as proper staying in contact, people hide all sorts of things on FB.

If she'd been mean, or cruel etc. (and I still think it's a bit bossy to say she doesn't want you to talk about your kids and not sure I'd put up with that!) I would say do differently, but I'd be inclined to be there for this person if they were such a good friend before and see what she feels able to tell you but keep low expectations (both of her staying in touch and being able to tell you private stuff, as she hasn't done either very well before - maybe not her forte but still OK as a friend to meet up with in the park or chat or whatever it was you used to do in the old days?)

Cguk81 · 06/09/2016 10:25

She sounds awful. Completely ignore her. You have nothing to gain from getting back in touch with her. I suspect that once you show the slightest interest in her by responding to her message you won't hear from her again. By responding to her you weaken yourself and she regains the power again to respond or ignore you. Don't give her that. It's sad the friendship didn't last but you gave it your best shot. Who cares what she has to say for herself and what she is up to now. Move on and forget about her.

dowhatnow · 06/09/2016 10:29

You'd be a mug to respond. How many times do you want to roll over and let someone kick you? Have some self respect and ignore her. She is no friend.

Once, yes give her a chance. Twice mayyyybe. Third and more times. No bloody way.

If you are really curious then hear her out but no matter what the sob story you'd be an idiot to let her back in your life. Best to let sleeping dogs lie and ignore her attempts to contact you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/09/2016 10:35

"Now 5 years later I've had a grovelling message AGAIN. And a family member received one too asking them to get me to hear her out."
I'm with diddl on this - "Why didn't she just put her explanation in the message? So that Op still has to do the chasing?" So, instead of doing the normal thing of never doing this in the first place offering an explanation and begging your forgiveness, she tries to bait you into contacting her to beg for ask for an explanation. And recruits your ?mum/sister? to apply pressure.

She is deeply weird. Step away from the weird.

i would not respond. Which will presumably prompt her to whine to your mother/sister to chase you. Which will give you the opportunity to shrug and ask them if they don't find ex-friend's behaviour a little - odd? To cut an old friend out of their life with no explanation offered? And don't they find her asking them to be their 'muscle' a bit odd too? And leave it at that.

MrsHam13 · 06/09/2016 10:44

I think I'd reply

'I have to admit I'm surprised to hear from you after being frozen out three times now. I'm curious and wondering what plausible excuse you could possibly have this time. I doubt though, I can forgive and forget this time, but please do tell me what you have to say.'

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 06/09/2016 10:48

It's too little too late, really.

CotswoldStrife · 06/09/2016 10:50

My first thought on reading this was 'why doesn't she (flaky friend) just say'? It does look like she wants the drama of you chasing her for the reason, I would just ignore. If she tries chasing anyone else to ask you to respond again, they should repeat the same message 'there is no way she will contact you as you never reply, just state your case if you want to'.

mrsvilliers · 06/09/2016 10:50

On an emotional level if it was me I know that I would want to respond and find out why she'd disappeared again. But without any emotion attached I think you need to leave it. You sound lovely and normal and she sounds hard work and odd. Delete her number from your phone and if your family member asks why you've not replied (what she is doing here is weird in itself) just tell them. You're not being mean or bitchy in what you're doing, you've given her plenty of chances.

thatsnotmyusername · 06/09/2016 10:50

I would probably reply, but I have a pathetic need to be loved/liked by everyone and I would just have no know why. Good luck whatever you decide

MJ14 · 06/09/2016 17:42

I'd be very straight with her, tell her that you don't want to be friends any more and enough is enough.

ProphetOfDoom · 06/09/2016 20:47

Diddl has made some v astute points.

I liked SideEye's advice if you do want to respond:

19:32 SideEye

Having read the thread, and on reflection, I think I would simply say to the mutual friend

"You know what, if she wants to contact me to explain why this has been going on then she's welcome to" and then leave it.
The ball needs to remain in her court.

75daisies · 06/09/2016 21:14

Screw it. Life is too short.

ChrissieLatham · 06/09/2016 23:01

Let us know what she says of you do decide to respond!

Rosamund1 · 07/09/2016 00:57

I've suffered from depression. Getting out of bed, going to work and caring for dd took all my energy. I did not have enough left to give for friendships.

summerainbow · 07/09/2016 02:34

So you kept in touch by phone call text facebook
She probably just had to something like work take care of kids house stuff spend time with partner. Spend time with friends she see in real life. So there no time to talk to you. You have just stayed here Facebook friends and left it at that.
She did not know you kids you did not know hers so no need to talk about them to much . What else did you have in common

Twinklecomic · 07/09/2016 07:30

I'm with all the people that think Depression is the at the root of your pal's behaviour. It's hard to be a friend with a person plagued by Depression and the anti social behaviour that can go with it. I know because I lost a bevvy of "besties" when Depression hit after my baby was diagnosed with a profound mental disability (I don't blame them. I went from being fun and funny to being the Whingy Bore of Britain, and it went on and on for - God, maybe a couple of years -with me droning endlessly) Many years on I am well again. But as for the friendships long lost, they remained lost. I too tried the Olive branch years after but got shot down mercilessly. Again, I don't blame them. However if I hadn't had first hand experience I mightn't have stuck by another friend who is affected by Clinical Depression because her behaviour can seem really hurtful (along the lines that you describe). I can understand that to the uninitiated Depressive behaviour can seem horribly personal. I don't blame the friends who dumped me and they (like yourself OP) were completely within their rights- that said I am indebted to the odd few who didn't.

Purplealienpuke · 07/09/2016 07:31

I moved to the other end of the country 10 yrs ago. One particular friend hadn't been great communicating but I would try & see her whenever I was visiting family. Turns out her husband was a twat & didn't want her to be friends incase she bad mouthed him & incase I encouraged her to leave! Last time I saw her she was deeply unhappy & sad . Two months later he was dead of a heart attack. She then didn't contact me because she felt guilty for bad mouthing him! Maybe something similar is going on for your friend? ??

Fanjolena · 07/09/2016 08:19

I'd hear her out just to satisfy my curiosity then make it clear you're not interested in speaking to her again. She sounds like a total dick.

Notmuchtosay1 · 07/09/2016 08:35

Yes it all sounds very strange. I think I'd be paranoid about what the hell I did wrong. But curiosity would get the better of me. I'd ask what I did wrong. Hear the explanation...assuming you get one of course. Then perhaps ignore her after that. Yes, that's probably childish but she's treated you the same way.

JellyJ · 07/09/2016 09:35

My contact with even close friends has been much more sporadic since we all had children but this does seem to be an extreme case. I'd take her messages / phone calls without making a big issue over the lack of contact and let her take the lead on future contact. If she emails you, reply, if not don't bother - just take the expectation out of it.

karis84 · 07/09/2016 10:00

I've been this friend. Depression and anxiety made it really hard to bear talking to friends, I just felt ashamed and embarrassed and like I wasn't worth their time. It's up to you op as it's hard for all involved. I really wish people had forgiven me but few did, and I can't really blame them.

lynzeylou · 07/09/2016 10:06

I'd be curious too and would message to get an explanation but not hope to rekindle the friendship. It could be that she's depressed, I have friends that are similarly hard work and I have also been depressed and hidden away from the world but I never went NC as that's just rude and causes others to worry. However, if depression was the issue then I'd expect your mutual friend to have told you that if she knew how upset and worried you were but it's possible she's been sworn to secrecy and has been stuck in the middle all this time, feeling incredibly awkward.

Whatever her explanation, I'd still keep her at arms length so you don't get hurt again, you know she has your mutual friend to contact so she's not alone.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.