Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend burned the bridge. AIBU to not send a boat?

230 replies

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 05/09/2016 00:20

I had a friend from age 10 to around 27. We were the best of friends. Closer than sisters. I moved almost 200 miles away as an adult and kept in touch through phone calls and occasional visits. She had a child then I had one. We talked often (about her child and mine) and about our daily lives, pets, parents, partners, work etc...
After a while she stopped taking most of my calls (pressing reject) or getting someone to say she wasn't in. Texts and emails dwindled. I tried to find out what I had done to no avail. All contact ceased. I was hurt.

A few years later I got a grovelling text saying how she was sorry and understood if I didn't want to speak to her again. My reply asked why she cut off contact. Her answer threw me. "She didn't want to talk about kids"
I get it, all I had in my life was my kids but conversations from her were about her kid too and she couldn't have just said? Or changed the subject (though children were NOT all we ever talked about anyway!) So I apologised and we began talking again, with me trying to hardly mention anyone's children. After about a month it all stopped again! Contact dwindled to no replies at all. So I said, "Screw it"

Until 7 months later I got ANOTHER text! So, offering an olive branch I replied.... Only for her to never reply again.

Now 5 years later I've had a grovelling message AGAIN. And a family member received one too asking them to get me to hear her out. What do I do? AIBU to just leave that message and any subsequent messages sitting in that little Message requests folder forever? Angry

OP posts:
exaltedwombat · 07/09/2016 10:34

Did you have anything to SAY when you called her, or was it just "for a chat"?

Waltermittythesequel · 07/09/2016 10:58

But OP has given chance after chance. And each time she's been dropped from a great height.

What's the point?

sonjadog · 07/09/2016 11:45

But surely if she was depressed, it would effect all her friendships, not just the one with the OP, like in this case?

I would write back say something fairly disinterested about she can send you her reasons if she liks. eNo promises of friendship or meeting or anything like that, but curousity would make me wonder what she was going to say.

Original poster
MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 07/09/2016 12:31

As far as I'm concerned there was and is no depression or anxiety and the like. No abuse, no relationship issues and no work stress (other than what we all go through). Everything else, other friendships, nights out, relationships, work all remained as they always were. It was just me that got dumped.

I gave her a chance to tell me what I "did wrong" and she did tell me what the issue was (which was ridiculous to throw 17 years away for and not all on me either) and she still cut me off again despite my changing how I spoke to her to her, such as only mentioning children in reply to her mentioning the subject. So she either lied as to her reasoning or she... Well no, it must have been that. A lie?

If she was depressed then why was I singled out and no one else? I spent too many years wondering what I did. No more. I really should not reply, (I suppose).

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 07/09/2016 12:51

reply just to satisfy my curiosity. please Grin

paperdoll83 · 07/09/2016 12:52

It took me a while, but I finally realised that you don't have to be friends with someone forever. All relationships change and people can grow apart, even best friends. Like other people have mentioned, if it was a partner treating you this way you wouldn't stand for it, so why put up with it from her?

Also, how could you have a friendship with someone who wants to pretend that a big part of your life doesn't exist? You're a grown up woman with children, it's nice to remember the good old days, but your children are in your life now and a good friend is someone you can share that with!

I too would be curious to find out what's going on, because you never know that something bad may have happened and she needs a friend. I suspect that's not the case though unfortunately, sounds like she's just one of these people that thrives on drama! Hear her out if you must, but I'd probably just move on and find some better friends!

AyeAmarok · 07/09/2016 13:03

I'd ask why and have her explain, but it would take a bloody good reason for me to even contemplate being her friend again. Most likely, my reply would be "thank you for the explanation" and then radio silence.

mrsvilliers · 07/09/2016 13:54

OP if you do reply, have you thought about what you'd do if she doesn't reply back? I would definitely leave it, this thread has reminded me of two people that I drew the line under and haven't looked back. As pp said, friendships can end. The original text to you would have said 'Dear OP, I'm so sorry that I haven't been in touch for so long. I've had a lot going on in my life such as xyz and I found it difficult to focus on my friendships in a way I'd done before. I'm really sorry to have left you in the lurch. I know I did this before but if there is anyway you'd consider meeting up I'd really love to hear from you.'

If her text wasn't along those lines (as we know!) then you really need to leave it for your own sanity.

mrsvilliers · 07/09/2016 13:55

should not would obviously.

Twinklecomic · 07/09/2016 13:57

I think the best way to put this to bed is to be very dull about it. Don't feed whatever it is that needs feeding. The best way people got shot of me when I produced the olive branch was not to be dramatic but just to be uninterested and vaguely bored by my overtures and to deny all awareness of my "bad" behaviour. Like they couldn't give a sh*t. It was like a blanket smothering my interest in rekindling the friendship. I just let it go. Whereas people who were bitchy and snubbing first encouraged my guilt and shame and then caused me to resent them. Also re the not wanting to talk about children- were yours cleverer, smarter, better looking? It could be that she felt there was competative element and that was an unbearable ingredient in the mix? I know it's an extreme example but I found it hard to cope with mothers with typical children (especially if they were I felt, braggarts-and people can be astonishingly insensitive in that department). I am not saying you were at all, but could that have been a perception?

SandyPantz · 07/09/2016 14:00

Ah, see the problem here is that a lot of people (and I've been guilty of it) think "old friend" automatically means "good" or "best friend"

Sounds to me like she's reaching out to you for the same reason that you're tempted to give her another shot: because you've known each other since you were Xyrs. Not because either of you actually like chatting IYKWIM

Original poster
MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 07/09/2016 14:21

Ha ha ha Twinkle, I wish I had been the better looking one. No, I was the plain Jane to the two stunning ones of the trio. They got the hot friends and I was the wing-woman GrinBlush
Same with success. I worked for my parents and had moved back in with them whilst my friend had inherited a house of her own and worked. So I can rule out jealousy. Wink

Having read through this thread I may just reply if only to satisfy my curiosity (and of course post an update to satisfy the fine folk of MN)

OP posts:
MintyChops · 07/09/2016 14:30

I think I would reply and say

Dear X, I am unable to deal with any more of your hurtful behaviour towards me and do not want to have any further contact. I wish you well for the future. Regards, Sanity

Then delete all her details and do not keep any of her messages etc in a special place. A clean break.

She has told you three times now how little she blues you. Fuck it, life is short and should be spent with the people who make you feel good.

MintyChops · 07/09/2016 14:30

Blues? Values.....

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 07/09/2016 14:42

Don't send a chatty message. I quite like what mrsHam said.

Teaandcake1000 · 07/09/2016 15:05

Hmmm, Op this isn't your fault.

If you had done something wrong and I very much doubt, except maybe break a rule no one bothered to tell you about. Even if this is the case the way they have responded it cruel, hurtful and way OTT.

The curiosity will fade, all contacting her will do is add pieces to and ever-changing puzzle.

I'd try very hard to leave this alone.

As previous members have said, if she wants to talk, she'll call you.

This cat & mouse game is just that. A game.

TendonQueen · 07/09/2016 15:44

The best reply is no reply at all. Don't reply just for the sake of wanting to give an update on here. It'll probably be met by nothing on her part (again). Walk away.

Tapandgo · 07/09/2016 15:56

I'd be very wary of this hornets nest you are likely to disturb - just move on

sonjadog · 07/09/2016 17:09

If you do reply, don´t forget to tell us what she says.

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 07/09/2016 23:45

I had a slightly similar issue with a friend, she's randomly been in touch a few times and once mentioned how we "fell out", I corrected her and reminded her that she binned me for no reason and she said that she wanted to explain to me but face to face or over the phone. Conversation all by text. Despite my curiosity I replied that the 10 years of water under the bridge wouldn't make her reasons any less ridiculous and pathetic than they had been years ago and that I really didn't care what her reasons were as I had no intention of picking up our friendship. I felt quite proud of myself and she continues to text but I never offer her any info about me or my kids, strangeness. I have to say I was (and still am) very curious but will never ask. I'm also massively curious about your ex and what her problem was. I think you take ages to reply to her and then if she feels like getting it off her chest then let her and never respond to her again! Oh.....and please come back and tell all of us what her deal was?!

Benedikte2 · 08/09/2016 12:06

OP, speaking for myself, if I was in your position I would write to her telling her how I felt -- how close we'd been etc and how confusing and hurtful it was to be cut off, how doubly hurtful it was the second time etc.
Ask her what has changed now and is she planning to go nc again?
That way I tell her the impact her behaviour has had on me and it would be cathartic for me and hopefully, if she's the person I knew and loved, she'd think hard about her selfish, mean behaviour and come up with a genuine explanation.
No way can she then rationalise her behaviour and put the blame on me. If there is no response it's obvious it's hit home and she doesn't have an adequate excuse other than she couldn't be bothered.
You haven't deserved any of this OP and I hope you do get some satisfaction from the outcome. Good luck

pollymere · 08/09/2016 18:37

Be a low level friend. I have friends on fb who I rarely talk to, even on fb. There's no need to be bosom buddies, but you don't need to make an effort to dislike her. If she's catching up, have a chat, then leave it. It can be quite a shock to realize how long it is since you spoke or messaged someone, the years slip away, so don't break a friendship due to silence!

RainyDaisy · 08/09/2016 19:08

I agree with the PP who says she was somehow jealous of your kids. I bet she was doing the competitive parenting thing and you didn't realise. Especially if they were the same age. So maybe your child was on book band green, whilst he's was still on pink Grin

Serialweightwatcher · 08/09/2016 20:33

Tell her to go to hell .......... you're not on a piece of elastic for when she feels like talking and for what she wants to talk about. You deserve better - she was obviously a good friend once when all the attention was on her presumably, but she's probably always been like this but it never came out before - you don't need her, which is a good job as she's dropped you so many times before Flowers

Serialweightwatcher · 08/09/2016 20:37

By the way - I have bad anxiety but wouldn't treat anyone in that way - I know people with bad depression and neither would they. You were so very close once that she wouldn't need an excuse, she could have just told you the truth. I think it's just that she's a miserable cow who likes manipulating people - I stand by 'tell her to go to hell' Grin

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.