Friend burned the bridge. AIBU to not send a boat?

[MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity]

I had a friend from age 10 to around 27. We were the best of friends. Closer than sisters. I moved almost 200 miles away as an adult and kept in touch through phone calls and occasional visits. She had a child then I had one. We talked often (about her child and mine) and about our daily lives, pets, parents, partners, work etc...
After a while she stopped taking most of my calls (pressing reject) or getting someone to say she wasn't in. Texts and emails dwindled. I tried to find out what I had done to no avail. All contact ceased. I was hurt.

A few years later I got a grovelling text saying how she was sorry and understood if I didn't want to speak to her again. My reply asked why she cut off contact. Her answer threw me. "She didn't want to talk about kids"
I get it, all I had in my life was my kids but conversations from her were about her kid too and she couldn't have just said? Or changed the subject (though children were NOT all we ever talked about anyway!) So I apologised and we began talking again, with me trying to hardly mention anyone's children. After about a month it all stopped again! Contact dwindled to no replies at all. So I said, "Screw it"

Until 7 months later I got ANOTHER text! So, offering an olive branch I replied.... Only for her to never reply again.

Now 5 years later I've had a grovelling message AGAIN. And a family member received one too asking them to get me to hear her out. What do I do? AIBU to just leave that message and any subsequent messages sitting in that little Message requests folder forever?

She hurt you enough, don't give her the chance to do it again. Hear what she has to say for your own peace of mind then cut all contact with her.

annielouise. Your ex friend sounds just like my Sil. You'd think her ds was some kind of genius. Going on about how good he was at talking at 2.5 and how well he could colour in between the lines at 4. What a kind boy he is and yadayadayadaya. You'd think he was the golden goose or something. Never a nice comment about my DD, who is a few years older. What do you do in those situations? Competition or just keep quiet? It feels even worse because DD hears this stuff and she's really smart on the emotional intelligence front so she hears a lot of it and I have to discuss it all with her once we are alone. It doesn't do wonders to her self esteem but it's no point talking about DD because the conversation just gets turned around to nephew. Brother married his mother.

Why didn't she just put her explanation in the message?

So that Op still has to do the chasing?

Good point diddl. It is me that has to chase the answer as to why she dumped me by having to ask her. I hadn't thought of it that way.

As I said I don't think she will tell you why, it seems to be part of her life that she doesn't want to disclose to you - or she would have done before. Either she has real reasons for cutting off and getting back in touch, like the ones suggested above, for which you could cut her some slack even without knowing exactly what's going on, or she's quite a controlling person who wants to dictate what you talk about and uses indirect approaches to contact you e.g. via relatives, and messes you around, instead of being upfront about wanting to get back in touch and why.

Only you will really have intuition about which one she is and whether you do or do not want to get back in touch. If it were a long friendship before these troubles I'd go with the first interpretation and i would try not to feel entitled to knowing why she didn't get in touch for so long - it could be anything from she fancied you/your DH to she was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction or social services intervened re her children, who knows? But at the same time I'd be pretty straight with any friend who told me I was talking about my children too much; I'll talk about what I like with my friends without expecting punishment for choosing to talk about my kids!

A tricky one and as others have said you have been hurt so if you do engage just remember you can disengage at any time and you can be as honest as you like too about how you feel confused/hurt.

I would leave it as you probably won't get any answers. I had something similar with a very close friend - never answered messages, stopped phoning, no reason ever given why. I felt very upset about it as I thought we were close, used to go on holiday together etc but then heard that she had done the same to others. TEN YEARS later she bumps into a mutual friend and apparently told him that she can't understand why I stopped contacting her.

It's all so dramatic, isn't it?

Can be fun, can be exhausting!

How have the 5yrs without her been?

I would not reply. If it took her five years to reply to your text, now you can take ten years to reply to hers.

Slightly sad in parts diddl as I got married two years ago and we'd all grown up knowing we would be each other's bridesmaids/MOHs. They both (her and friend abroad) would have been huge parts of my wedding and I was a little down that I didn't have bridesmaids to celebrate with me.

But other than that, I haven't really thought of her much. Maybe on birthdays etc but I have never asked my mum or sister about her (who apparently never took her off their FB as that's nothing to do with me)

Slightly sad in parts diddl as I got married two years ago and we'd all grown up knowing we would be each other's bridesmaids/MOHs. They both (her and friend abroad) would have been huge parts of my wedding and I was a little down that I didn't have bridesmaids to celebrate with me.

But other than that, I haven't really thought of her much. Maybe on birthdays etc but I have never asked my mum or sister about her (who apparently never took her off their FB as that's nothing to do with me)

Having read the thread, and on reflection, I think I would simply say to the mutual friend

"You know what, if she wants to contact me to explain why this has been going on then she's welcome to" and then leave it.
The ball needs to remain in her court.

As this is the second time she's done this, and last time she disappeared again, I would stick with radio silence this time. That way, if she really wants to say her piece she'll have to contact you some other way. Whatever has gone on with her, if she really wants to get back in touch she'll be prepared to make more effort than a single text and a conversation with someone else.

she sounds annoying tbh have you asked why she does this?

Have you decided what to do yet mykids

If you decide to contact her and need any support im sure you'll get some on here!

Does she have one kid and you have plural?

I'd be inclined to say you can't be bothered to put yourself through her rudeness again as it's hurtful. Unless she has a good explanation and apology I'd tell her to leave you alone. She sounds like a self centred drama queen.

Absolutely no way you should contact her. You've moved on. And you deserve better

If she was an old boyfriend who had a pattern of calling you to rehash old times before disappearing off the face of the planet, everyone would tell you to avoid and ignore. I disagree with previous posters who said it must have taken a lot for her to get in contact. In my opinion, she flies off an email on a whim without any thought to you at all. She is acting completely selfishly.

At this point the friendship you had is well gone.But you have a shared history. If you'd like to say hello and you'd be a bigger person than me in doing so, but if it was me,, I wouldn't invest anything other than mild curousity and be prepared for her to flounce again.

I agree with PPs that there could be something else going on that is much deeper - even if it appears that no one else knows of anything.

Obviously she the rejection is painful and still is, so I'd reach out but would expect her to explain herself much more fully than last time so you know where you stand. If she is reasonable, she will know th she can't just pick up as if nothing has happened but it sounds like she wants to mend fences and explain, so I would give her a chance.

Hope it goes well

No matter what the reason, she doesn't add anything to your life - disappearing for years at a time. I would let it go personally.

Delete and move on. Don't get sucked into her drama. She isn't your friend anymore.

If there was something going on, why wouldn't she just say?

This is a bit "if you agree to be my friend I'll tell you a secret"!

RedLarva, she has the same kids as me, two girls and a boy according to my mother. About the same ages too. (I only knew about two as I've never discussed her until now with those who still have her on FB)

I've still not decided what to do. At least I don't have to rush into any decision. If I had to wait since 2010 I don't feel like I need to answer yet.