Friend burned the bridge. AIBU to not send a boat?

[MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity]

I had a friend from age 10 to around 27. We were the best of friends. Closer than sisters. I moved almost 200 miles away as an adult and kept in touch through phone calls and occasional visits. She had a child then I had one. We talked often (about her child and mine) and about our daily lives, pets, parents, partners, work etc...
After a while she stopped taking most of my calls (pressing reject) or getting someone to say she wasn't in. Texts and emails dwindled. I tried to find out what I had done to no avail. All contact ceased. I was hurt.

A few years later I got a grovelling text saying how she was sorry and understood if I didn't want to speak to her again. My reply asked why she cut off contact. Her answer threw me. "She didn't want to talk about kids"
I get it, all I had in my life was my kids but conversations from her were about her kid too and she couldn't have just said? Or changed the subject (though children were NOT all we ever talked about anyway!) So I apologised and we began talking again, with me trying to hardly mention anyone's children. After about a month it all stopped again! Contact dwindled to no replies at all. So I said, "Screw it"

Until 7 months later I got ANOTHER text! So, offering an olive branch I replied.... Only for her to never reply again.

Now 5 years later I've had a grovelling message AGAIN. And a family member received one too asking them to get me to hear her out. What do I do? AIBU to just leave that message and any subsequent messages sitting in that little Message requests folder forever?

But the 2nd time she cut you off, you replied to her olive branch out of curiousity and she never RESPONDED!

so 5 years and 7 months later, why do you think she's going to actually talk to you?

I think she's drunk texting you.

Icelollycraving I'm sorry that happened to you. It must have been horrible. I recall after my friend cut off contact the second time it was incredibly hurtful. More than the first as I had just assumed that I must have said something but the second I knew I had been cautious in what I had said and done.
It led me to question the entire 17 year friendship. Every interaction ran repeatedly through my head, wondering what I did or said wrong. Then of course knowing the other of the three of us was still in the picture I then wondered how much they had talked about me. Had they been taking the piss all those years? Was I eyerolled every time my back was turned?

Curiosity is killing me so I may just respond and leave it at that.

MyKids. As I said before, this isn't about you, it's about her. You sound like a compassionate friend. When we are good friends with someone, we forgive that friend and ourselves. We know we don't have to be perfect. Perhaps you will learn that lesson by reaching out to her give her and yourself that gift and knowledge. I still think that some kind of depression or mental illness prevented her from contacting you and that it manifested only about you because of who you are. Maybe you're the capable, strong one or have some other qualities, which she finds uncomfortable because they make her face who she is.

I too am too nosy not to hear the reasons but then I would say its too little to late, I cant be your friend anymore. Unless of course as someone up-thread said that her reasons for ditching were that she was going through some very awful and extenuating circumstances.
If you do contact her, don't forget to tell us the excuses.

When she's got back in touch she's acknowledged she was wrong, which takes a certain amount of courage to do

Which would have been ok if it was just the once but she did it a further two times! She's taking the piss and isn't worth your friendship. You can't just drop and pick up people when it's convenient.

If you do reply, I wouldn't be chatty. In fact 'what the fuck do you want'? Might be appropriate? Just a thought.

Personally I wouldn't bother as if you say yes I'm open to hearing what she says via whichever source you're open to her not replying so she's done it again.

I dumped a friend as she went on about her kids too much. She didn't work and focused on her kids a lot and liked to boast about them - ooh Chloe got all A's in her report, we were just saying the other day, me and my DH, how beautiful Chloe is etc etc. I'm not one for boasting and it grated. If you say nothing it's like you're accepting their kid is better than yours. If you come out with something in response it's like a competition. I just couldn't be bothered so I told her it was tedious and I was bored of it - she had asked as it was clear I wasn't bothering much. Are you sure you're not asking like this? I'm happy to hear the odd thing but constantly bigging your kid up when someone has a kid the same age - nah, no self-awareness, sorry.

If it was the first time she'd got back in touch I would suggest you hear her out but you've already done that more than once and then she cut off contact again. You've given her enough chances. Sounds like she just wants a response to confirm her importance, not to continue a friendship. You don't need the drama.

She won't tell you the truth anyway about why she disappeared again.

It really is all nonsense.

She sounds like a royal pita. It's just not interesting.

Why bother giving oxygen to these kind of people? They are boring.

I would just ignore her and get on with stuff. And if you ever see her again by accident be polite and vague. And move on again.

Reply in a week.

Id hear what she wanted to say out of curiosity, then say you weren't doing this again, and you had lost friend 3 over this too so bye.

I'd say there might be something going on under the surface in this person's life which, for whatever reason, they haven't shared with you. Miscarriage? Something wrong with their child / marriage etc.? I don't think it's really fair for them to simply cut off contact because they didn't want to talk about children but there's little point in judging, either you want to be in touch with this person again or you don't. I think if I decided I did want to be in touch, I would reply along the lines summarizing what's happened so far as in your original message and saying what you feel the friendship is still worth, something along the lines of:

I'm quite surprised to get this message as you didn't reply at all to a text I sent in (month/year) saying XXX. Before that you had apologized for cutting off contact and said that this was because you had not liked talking about our children, even though if you had told me this at the time we probably could have resolved it? So I feel a little wary about getting in touch again but if you feel like a chat then I am still your friend.

Good luck! I have burnt bridges with friends when I was going through a very difficult period in my life (intensive therapy and mental health difficulties), after several years I got back in touch with friends I still valued (some I didn't and realized they'd been the wrong sort of friends!). I was lucky that they did offer me the olive branch but what was different was, after being in touch for a while, I was able to tell them a little of what I'd been through and apologize sincerely for hurting them by breaking off due to my distress at that time.

Oh yeah - probably better to use "I" statements in that text, so more like...

I'm quite surprised...I didn't hear back from you after I sent a text...I received an apology from you...I understood that you didn't want to talk about the children...ETC

As it's more assertive.

One of the most precious gifts life has given me as I've got older is the ability to let go of poor friendships that cause me more hassle or hurt than joy.

Really, it isn't worth it to maintain friendships with people who make you feel unhappy. Only you can know if it is worth it with this friend, but it doesn't sound to me like it is.

Take the power back and ignore her.

I'd be tempted to send something cutting then ignore her.

Like "why are you doing this? We're not friends. It's a bit embarrassing."

But then, I'm a cunt.

The right thing to do is ignore, probably.

I've been 'dumped' by friends over the years - I've found it very painful, and any new contact from them would have made me very happy. I went through years of wondering what I did wrong, what was wrong with me, etc. I've come to the conclusion that, while I don't dump friend, some people do. In fact, one of the ones who dumped me actually told me about a load of friends she'd made when she had her fire child and subsequently seeing. So that's why I would not resume contact in your position - whatever the reason, it's hurt you, you have a right to avoid being hurt again.

I agree with mamite that there is something going on.
Off the top of my head - abusive partner, mental health issue (maybe she was in hospital for some of those silences?), addiction, miscarriage, treatment for cancer. Could be anything.

I would be curious, and want to hear what she said. (maybe more to satisfy me than for the friendship)

Whether you chose then to pick it up or to wish her all the best and go your separate ways is up to you.

It seems odd that OP is the only friend she would cut out, if any of those things were the reason.

I have a flakey friend. We've been friends for over 20 years.

Not as bad as yours, nothing like being ignored for years on end, but she's just a bit useless - ignores emails and texts for ages, including ones suggesting plans to meet up, then suddenly gets in contact again with a vague apology for how disorganised she is. When we do manage to meet (approx once a year as we don't live near each other) it's fab.

So although it's frustrating to send her a message and never be sure if she's read it or not, I carry on with the friendship and try not to have any expectations of her.

Maybe you could do the same? Don't think of her as a best friend but just a friend you hear from occasionally?

maggiemagpie me too. So much better to let them go and not put up with it.

Sounds like a lot of hard work.

I used to have a friend who lived abroad. I visited her a few times, she visited me a few times too. We used to email/phone/write. This went on for years. Then she started to get weird. Would tell me she was having 'problems' but didn't want to/couldn't talk about it. Then she'd be gushing with news. Then back to silence blamed on the problems she couldn't/wouldn't talk about.

After about 2 years of this I got tired of offering sympathy and the chance of a shoulder to cry on. I then got another email saying she was having 'more problems' but again 'didn't want to talk about it' so if I didn't want to keep up the friendship not to reply. I didn't.
I'd be curious to know what was going on as she had good health, her own flat, and a secure job, with no family problems, no partner, pets or other persons to have concerns about.

No one needs this hot and cold relationship. Just text to say don't contract me ever again.

Curiosity isn't a reason to contact her.

I would be more likely to think there were explaining circumstances explaining friends behaviour if she did it to everyone, but just the OP?

Surely if she had mh issues/illness/miscarriage/whichever then she would disappear entirely and not just from the OP. The OP is the only one being targeted here.

If you really are that curious then get the family member she's texted to respond 'If you want to explain, write her a letter' supplying your postal address if necessary. Then if she has anything of any use to say to you she'll make the effort. If you don't hear then you've got your answer without engaging personally.