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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend burned the bridge. AIBU to not send a boat?

230 replies

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 05/09/2016 00:20

I had a friend from age 10 to around 27. We were the best of friends. Closer than sisters. I moved almost 200 miles away as an adult and kept in touch through phone calls and occasional visits. She had a child then I had one. We talked often (about her child and mine) and about our daily lives, pets, parents, partners, work etc...
After a while she stopped taking most of my calls (pressing reject) or getting someone to say she wasn't in. Texts and emails dwindled. I tried to find out what I had done to no avail. All contact ceased. I was hurt.

A few years later I got a grovelling text saying how she was sorry and understood if I didn't want to speak to her again. My reply asked why she cut off contact. Her answer threw me. "She didn't want to talk about kids"
I get it, all I had in my life was my kids but conversations from her were about her kid too and she couldn't have just said? Or changed the subject (though children were NOT all we ever talked about anyway!) So I apologised and we began talking again, with me trying to hardly mention anyone's children. After about a month it all stopped again! Contact dwindled to no replies at all. So I said, "Screw it"

Until 7 months later I got ANOTHER text! So, offering an olive branch I replied.... Only for her to never reply again.

Now 5 years later I've had a grovelling message AGAIN. And a family member received one too asking them to get me to hear her out. What do I do? AIBU to just leave that message and any subsequent messages sitting in that little Message requests folder forever? Angry

OP posts:
Thefitfatty · 05/09/2016 06:51

Perhaps it's just my experience of late, but from now on when I think of cutting someone out I will ask myself "How will I feel if I find out they died today and I hadn't responded to the text."

If the answer is you'll feel like shit and regret it. Answer the text and hear her out.
If the answer is you won't care, than don't.

Oblomov16 · 05/09/2016 06:52

I'd be curious.
But that wouldn't change anything. The bridges are well and truely burnt.
But I wouldn't want to give her any opportunity to badmouth me. I wouldn't want to allow her to say "see, and when I contacted op, she wouldn't even hear me".
Don't give her that opportunity. Hold the higher ground.
Listen. Say little.
Then either a) on the phone, say you need to think about it. And then send a message / text saying fine, but let's leave it there.

Or b) on the phone be very measured, say little, don't get into a discussion. Maybe say ok, but some things don't quite add up for you, or miss that bit out and go straight for: say it's fine but you think it's best to leave it there.

LuluJakey1 · 05/09/2016 06:53

She might be going through a tough patch when she contacts you- remembering how good a friend you were. Then things perk up or she can't be bothered. It is as if she thinks you are just waiting for her.

I wouldn't respond.

If you must, text her and just say - 'Let's just leave it. We have been here before, several times. Don't want to fall out with you but we are not close friends any longer- no point in pretending'

ConvincingLiar · 05/09/2016 06:56

I'd want to know. There aren't many explanations that would satisfy me. Maybe make peace but don't revive this friendship.

40somethingwonderful · 05/09/2016 06:59

I'd hear her out too.

When my best friend had PND she dropped everyone (we didn't know why at the time), we managed to reconnect a year later, but due to other mental health issues, she dropped me again when I moved house years later. It's not been easy, but we have maintained a good friendship for the last 5 years. I know there are times when she goes quiet and doesn't reply, but I don't push it and she gets back in touch when she is feeling better (usually within a week or two now)

eddielizzard · 05/09/2016 07:08

it does sound to me like she had stuff going on she couldn't tell you about. you were so close for 17 - sounds very strange to me that she'd suddenly throw that away. i really don't think it's because you were talking about kids. that's just an excuse.

personally i would give her another chance. you don't understand what happened, so here's a chance to. a little compassion goes a long way. you are armed with an expectation that she might go quiet again, in which case that really would be it for me.

one more boat. tell her you were so hurt, and then hurt each subsequent time so this time she must come clean about what really happened.

maybethedayafter · 05/09/2016 07:15

I wonder if she was suffering from PND or some kind of anxiety related to her children and that's why she said she didn't want to talk about them after the first time contact was stopped.

It may not be anything like that, it might be that she's just a selfish bitch, but I would at least hear her out to see what she's got to say.

rockyroad3 · 05/09/2016 07:18

I read this is "friend burned the fridge.." anyway... I once had a friend who suffered from PND, rarely left the house and had an obsession with housework. I used to phone her quite a lot and the only thing she would talk about was what cleaining she had done that day, or tell me about a new recipe. I used to just be a listening ear for her.

One day my washing machine broke and I told her my back was broken from handwashing that day. That was literally the only time I spoke about myself. The next few times she was quite stand off-ish, and then revealed that hearing about my housework was really boring and she wasn't sure if she wanted to speak to me again Hmm

YANBU OP. She may have issues but it is not your problem.

MushuDragon · 05/09/2016 07:26

I'm curious so I'd respond. Keep it light hearted and don't expect a reply.

FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2016 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoraPirbright · 05/09/2016 07:47

Her previous explanation "I didnt want to talk about the kids" is just ridiculous! As an old/good friend, she could easily have said "urrgh here we are going on about the kids again - lets talk about something else!! Have you seen that new film/what are you reading/have you heard about..." I am afraid that this would colour things for me. If she had been able to be honest and say "I am having problems with depression/anxiety/controlling dp" then I feel any friend worth their salt (like you OP) would have helped. I do understand that it is incredibly difficult to admit these kind of things but she is the one who contacted you to apologise - why use such a vacuous excuse? She could have just said "look, I can't really explain but things have been going really badly for me" if she didnt want to open up about depression or some such. Unless, of course, the kids thing is genuinely her reason - then she is just stupid and not worth your time.

I think curiosity would get the better of me in this instance. I would have to hear her out but then I would not continue the friendship. I would thank her for her explanation (!), accept her apology graciously but then say that things have rather run their course, no hard feelings, best wishes for the future etc etc but lets just leave it, eh?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 05/09/2016 07:53

I think as women we are conditioned almost to look for explanations (excuses?) for other people's hurtful behaviour towards us and if the explanation can be considered "reasonable" to accept that and push aside our hurt.

Yes it is possible there were some shitty things going on in this woman's life but there is no evidence of that. It's been 5 years since this person was a close friend Op so at this stage what you need to consider is whether you are prepared to be friends knowing you could be dropped again without explanation? And are you willing to take that risk? That MN thing of not giving more of yourself than you can afford springs to mind here.

blueturtle6 · 05/09/2016 07:54

Id hear her out, but I would also insist that she hears you out about how she has made you feel, then hopefully she won't do same to others in future.
But I would be keeping her at arms length.

StealthPolarBear · 05/09/2016 07:54

I'm curious but tbh even the way she does this is revelling in the drama. Can't she just apologise or explain in the initial email she sends you.

Original poster
MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 05/09/2016 07:55

Thanks for the replies everyone. I do know that it wasn't PND or the like as not only were our kids were much older when she cut contact, she didn't cut off any more friends, just me. Her family life was the same too. All happy and normal. (She was still involved in mutual friends so reasons like behavioural changes due to anxiety, depression etc I ruled out)
I think I will reply but only out of curiosity.

Maybe.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 05/09/2016 08:06

What do you -want- from this contact?

Do you actually want the friendship to resume? If you do, on what terms? As it used to be? (probably impossible, she's hurt you three times now, the first time badly). In a different form?

Is she playing games with you, if she's been ok with all her other friends? 'bored of talking about the children' is no excuse at all. There's so many ways she could have sorted that out.

Could you trust her again?

I think rainbowunicorn's advice is best. Ask what has really been going on and why; then if you want to take the contact any further, let her make most of the running, and keep it in the back of your mind that she might disappear again. Tbh it sounds too hurtful to me, but it depends on how you feel about her and what you actually want now.

TheNaze73 · 05/09/2016 08:09

She's done it more than once. You owe her nothing. I would not respond.

icelollycraving · 05/09/2016 08:10

I had a friend for years,closer than sisters too. We suddenly stopped speaking & I think I know the reason but not sure. I tried to contact her & another friend from the time through friends reunited about 10 years ago when I was feeling very low. I passed my number to her mum when I bumped into her unexpectedly. She eventually sent a message through the other friend to say she was fine, they were very close still & had so much in common as they had Dc but didn't want to be in contact. I received that message the week I was told I'd probably never have children. Of course they didn't know this but the message was written in a way that reminded me of a kind of mean girls spirit. I had fb friend request from the middleman friend a few years later. Delete,delete,delete!!
I went on to have ds despite my fertility issues. I think I got the fb request when I was a mum so possibly in the gang.

bearleftmonkeyright · 05/09/2016 08:13

I wouldn't respond. It will end up a drama and who needs it?

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 05/09/2016 08:16

Don't go running just because she's contacted you, you don't owe her anything. The friendship isn't going to be what it was because of her actions. It doesn't exist anymore. She doesn't deserve a reply.

icelollycraving · 05/09/2016 08:20

Sorry my post was not very helpful!!

Witchend · 05/09/2016 08:26

I certainly don't think she's necessarily deserving of the harsh words people have had on here.
When she's got back in touch she's acknowledged she was wrong, which takes a certain amount of courage to do.
I think it's much more likely that she's got major things happening. When my month old nephew was dying I didn't really feel like talking families with people. A friend who had a couple of older children had repeated miscarriages that she never told people until about 5 years later-when they still hadn't conceived and medically no reason was found. Another friend found talking about families painful for well over a year after her parents were diagnosed with cancer in the same week.

She's acknowledged she's in the wrong.

And those who say listen to her and then do the same back to her are deliberately unpleasant.

SuperFlyHigh · 05/09/2016 08:28

When I've had this shit happen with a friend it was because "other stuff had happened re me and she couldn't tell me" - basically it suited her to have me around for fun times, shopping etc but couldn't be big enough to speak to me properly if I'd done something wrong, could this be similar here?

Spaghettidog · 05/09/2016 08:37

If you offer any more olive branches, it's going to involve a hedge, or possibly an entire tree. Grin As someone who's suffered badly from depression in the past, involving periods where I withdrew from everyone apart from the friends who keep phoning and emailing regardless, I honestly don't feel it matters why she withdraws from the friendship, only whether the OP, after all these years of long chills, temporary thaws and chills again, wants to resume the relationship.

You're perfectly at liberty to feel sympathetic about possible difficult things that prevent her from being in touch (though, as you say, interesting if the only friendship she withdraws from is yours?) without wanting to get back onto the same old on-and-off treadmill if you find it hurtful.

diddl · 05/09/2016 08:38

"A few years later I got a grovelling text "

Which you responded to & then she stopped contact again.

"Until 7 months later I got ANOTHER text! "

Which you responded to & then she stopped contact again.

"Now 5 years later I've had a grovelling message AGAIN."

So, if you respond to this one, what's to think that she'll keep up contact?

I'd be curious, but 5yrs???

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