AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

[user1472724168]

Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

OP I know you said you were not raised with any religion - but in your family or cultural background is there any religion at all - do you put up decorations at christmas, did you go to the local primary school that happened to be CofE because that's all there was in your village and all those that surrounded it, do you watch Star Wars and claim allegiance to the Force, was your great granny Jewish and escaped from Nazi Germany - anything? Could you say you were a humanist even and get somebody to do a humanist thing?

If you don't feel confident saying that your beliefs are a genuine reason or your dp doesn't agree that they are, could you dredge something out of your background and say that you would only agree to a combined muslim and [insert whatever you wanted here] ceremony - so that - certainly for you and any children of the marriage - it wouldn't commit you to anything islamic?

Maybe in trying to make it a joint ceremony, it would entail talking to the iman, about how you don't want to be a part of the ceremony but want it to be combined with another ceremony.

The cunning twist in my plan is not that you have to go through with the joint ceremony - but that by talking about it with the iman and making clear up front that things like circumcision are never going to happen, then hopefully the iman himself will refuse to perform the ceremony - thereby stalling your MIL's plan in her tracks.

I'm not expecting an answer here - but it's worth thinking about. Did your mil get your dp circumcised when he was a baby? Has that affected how your dp views circumcision now - would he want it done to a son just so he would be the same as his dad (a kind of bizarre justification of why he himself has been circumsized as otherwise he has to think that his dparents have mutilated him) or if he hasn't - would he be prepared to be circumsized with no anesthetic in public at the same time as his son - and if not, why not...

Pushing for a circumcision would worry me a hell of a lot more than a religious ceremony, personally. If I didn't think my husband was 100% willing to stand up to her on that point, I'd have some serious decisions to make.

I tell you what Op, go round to the mother in laws house, ring a big well known mosque in your area that offers weddings so there is a chance of getting someone who answers the phone to you, explain the whole situation to them and see what they say. Oh, and put it all on loudspeaker. That might help to put it all to an end sharpish.

If anyone had suggested getting my ds circumcised they may have suffered the procedure at my hands instead!

No one would be doing that to my boy and anyone pressurising me to have it done to him would be shown the door.

You are definitely not being unreasonable! You should tell her that you respect her beliefs, but that they are not your beliefs, nor your husbands, and to conduct this ceremony would feel completely hypocritical, and actually quite insulting to the millions of people who do believe in this faith, it makes the whole thing seem meaningless. As for circumcision- please please do not mutilate your baby to make someone else happy. Good luck OP and stick to your guns!

Tell your partner 'To me it is important our ceremony/day is about us as people and a couple. It therefore makes no sense to have any kind of religious ceremony as we are not religious. This is not about your mum, it is about keeping true to ourselves. This is not for her to decide'.

Stand your ground or she will get worse!!

زواج (zawaj) is the Arabic word I'm used to hearing for marriage, or عرس ('ars) for wedding.

The only Arabic dictionary I have to hand gives the primary meaning of نكاح (nikah) as sexual intercourse, with marriage as an alternative meaning.

Even aside from all the other reasons, I'd not be happy about having something as meaningless (as your DP has suggested it is) as part of your wedding at all, and would be telling your DP that.

Yep lots of people say zawaj too.

No fucking way. DP he can marry his mother if that's how he feels. You are not Muslim, he is not Muslim so you don't get married in a ceremony of that faith! WTF - keep her happy? This will be one hell of a slippery slope if you give into this, your whole life will be about doing X Y Z to keep his mother happy.

Also, if she has mentioned circumcism, do not allow her have any unsupervised access to your baby as it sounds like she's the type who could do it behind your back. Please don't do that to your baby, it's not medically necessary. If he needs it done later in life due to an issue, then it can be addressed but not have part of his body removed for no reason.

Stand your ground. If DP can't understand why you are refusing to agree to this then I wouldn't be marrying him.

Jees, just thinking about it further (the circumcism) - I wouldn't be allowing her anywhere NEAR your baby. How fucking dare she.

Stand your ground- nothing to do with the specific religion. I'm the product of a mixed marriage and my parents endured shit from both sides. Mum is religious and Dad supported her even though it was "contrary" to the faith he was brought up in. Both my siblings are in mixed marriages themselves and the rule is "what the parents of the baby want" not what others want. Hard to do but we do it. My dh is same religion as me and my mum. My mum tried to force something traditional on us and we said "Back off" as politely as possible. And when the baby grows up it is their choice. It's called freedom of religion and freedom not to believe.

"He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true.."

HUGE red flag and manipulator alert. OP - be cautious here. You have a DP problem, not (just) a STBMIL problem.

You are opening the floodgates to a lifetime of ridiculous demands.

I think most of us do hypocrisy. We might attend a carol service and sing even if we have no faith. Or stand up at some formal occasion where God Save the Queen is sung - even if we're not royalists. Some people on this thread might have married in church - it does look lovely on the photos - even if they have no Christian faith. We may observe social customs such as the silence on Remembrance Day, simply because 'that is what is done'

A lot of us want to belong to some larger group. Just having a partner isn't quite enough.

Personally I think Christenings - splashing babies with cold water and chasing away Satan and promising small infants to Jesus - are appalling.

One could imagine a concerned Muslim, about to get married to someone with Christian parents, getting quite worried about the inlaws wanting a baby to be Christened.

sorry - but this on the same level as the stories about gypsies stealing children from supermarkets and smuggling them away dressed as a girl/boy/whatever.

In the UK, anyone is going to ask for parental consent forms.

That's pretty naïve. It's not a secret that circumcisions and fgm are carried out in homes all over the UK either by Imams or doctors flown in from abroad. In fact there is one case of FGM reported every 109 minutes in the UK.

OP I would be wary of marrying a man who prioritises his mother's wishes over yours.

Has the mother in law actually mentioned circumcision? Not sure why everyone is getting worked up over it, I cant see where it has been mentioned by the Op. Do we even know she is having a boy?

'she said to me a few weeks ago that she would start looking for SOMEONE to circumcise the baby.'

I agree Marvik, and that concerned Muslim should tell the Christian grandparents that it's not what he/she believes, and isn't happening.

Oh right. Hah. I would probably just start pulling funny faces every time she mentions such things then Op.

One could imagine a concerned Muslim, about to get married to someone with Christian parents, getting quite worried about the inlaws wanting a baby to be Christened.

The DP isn't a muslim. They're both atheists, and given the choice between getting splashed in cold water and getting half my dick cut off I know which I'd choose

Yy to MusicMania, was just about to say this ^^

You are opening the floodgates to a lifetime of ridiculous demands

This. I'd think twice about marrying him

The circumcision and marriage issues are two separate things as far as I can see. There is no way on earth someone would be performing a needless procedure on my child. However, I might consider the marriage ceremony, depending what it is. It doesn't sound as though it is an actual Islamic wedding, if it only takes ten minutes and is done at home? If it's some sort of blessing then personally I would go with it; I'm not religious in any shape or form but if someone offers to pray for me (for example) I accept it as a kind gesture and would take this the same way. However, any more than that - having to pray myself, make promises to Allah etc would be a different kettle of fish I think.

I am not a walkover but I don't think everything needs to be a STAND FIRM AND DO NOT SHIFT FROM YOUR PRINCIPLES situation. There's a lot to be said for good family relations.

Musicmania - FGM is done illegally, of course. Circumcision is legal, though (this is probably news to 95% of MNers) so doubt if anyone would bother flying someone in from abroad to do it when you could just go to a doctor or clinic.