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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

440 replies

user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:21

Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

OP posts:
raisedbyguineapigs · 01/09/2016 13:10

I don't think it's the mum that is the problem here. It's turning into a DP problem, which is a bigger issue. OP has a child with a man who wants her to go through an Islamic marriage ceremony. Who know what else he will want to do in relation to her child? What did he say about the circumcision comment?

Rubies12345 · 01/09/2016 13:11

*Muslim men are allowed to marry non-Muslim women (and up to four of them). Muslim women, however, can only marry a Muslim (and only one).

That's why non-Muslim women can have a Muslim wedding.*

But he's not a Muslim he's a Christian. Does she want him to convert to Islam?

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 13:13

tired "the couple are not asking though."

are you being deliberately obtuse? If they agree to do it, then they will ask!! FFS.

hotdiggedy · 01/09/2016 13:13

Some of the comments I have just read here are quite worrying.

Imams marrying people who have no idea about their religion, someone saying she has no idea what a nikah is yet she has an Islamic wedding certificate (a niqah is the wedding!!!) Another person saying she had to convert??!?!?

What on earth is going on?

As for the Ops predicament, it is a joke that the mother in law is requesting this. She marries a non Muslim, gets her children christened, raises them with no religion then suddenly gets into it years later and wants her non religious son to have an Islamic wedding. What a joke. I would like to meet the Imam who would agree to do this knowing the full story and having spoken to all concerned. I would hope that none would do this but no doubt there will e someone out there.

Do not do it, your husband to be obviously has no understanding of the matter if he thinks its no big deal. it is a big deal, lots of people take this very seriously and saying that its just a small thing that takes 5 minutes is an insult actually.

I'd like to have words with this mother in law!

GipsyDanger · 01/09/2016 13:15

I had a humanist wedding, our vows (the most important part of the ceremony!) were extremely personal, and I hope to live up to those vows till the day I die. I'm presuming the vows will to be to honour God and not very much about you at all. I would not agree to this under any circumstances. Next will be forcing to baptise any children, you know cause it would make his mum happy....

tiredandhungryalways · 01/09/2016 13:15

Lorelei I don't get this at all. Your saying bin muslim couples are getting their nikkah done but the imams in the wrong for conducting it? Is that right?

AppleSetsSail · 01/09/2016 13:16

What exactly do you find worrying, hotdiggedy?

tiredandhungryalways · 01/09/2016 13:18

If two sane adults ask for a nikkah and do not state they are non muslim then yes a nikkah will be completed by an imam.

Ashhead24 · 01/09/2016 13:18

Presumably this ceremony would require you to wear Islamic dress, covering your arms, legs and hair? This alone would be a perfectly valid reason to say you can't do it, that you don't agree that women should be made to cover their bodies.

Would any potential guests also be required to cover themselves? Would make/female guests be required to be separated. Surely if this is a marriage you'd need your family to be there, and it simply isn't acceptable to you to put them through the female guests being treated as though they were inferior.

And of course you'd have to say a prayer to a god you don't believe in, and you simply aren't comfortable with lying in this manner.

You just need to keep saying to your MIL that you're not a Muslim and are not going to live your life as if you are. And to your DP that you don't agree with the way women are regarded by the religion and that you refuse to endorse that treatment by having an Islamic ceremony.

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 13:18

tired - yes I can see you don't get it.

I am not accusing anyone of being wrong.

I am simply saying that an imam may perform a ceremony believing that the participants are genuinely muslim. Or they know they are not and not care. Many things are possible. I have no interest in allocating blame. I am simply pointing out that it's quite possible for these things to happen.

raisedbyguineapigs · 01/09/2016 13:19

Catholic priests will conduct marriage ceremonies for lapsed Catholics after a few marriage lessons because it is a way of bringing people back to the church, along with their future children. Maybe the imam is thinking the same thing. He's got the mother in law back in, he could get the son and the unborn baby back in too.

GerdaLovesLili · 01/09/2016 13:20

Would a Muslim marriage be a de-facto contract to bring-up any children of the marriage as Muslim? Would the circumcision therefore become something that you were obliged to do as part of the contract?

And yes, if you were to break up in the future and your ex returned to a Muslim country with the children you might find it very difficult to get them back.

There is absolutely no benefit to having a Muslim marriage in your circumstances.

Letmenamechangeforaminute · 01/09/2016 13:21

I totally see where you're coming from Atenco Surely if someone believes in any religion gently telling loved ones about those beliefs and waiting and praying for those loved ones to come into the religion would be a more genuine approach than just getting them to pretend for an hour or so for a ceremony. If you guilt trip or coerce someone into a religious ceremony in any religion what would that mean to the higher power that you believe in? God would know that they didnt mean or believe it surely? I'm not trying to be blasphemous or rude.

samG76 · 01/09/2016 13:24

ashhead24 - you say "of course you'd have to say a prayer". I'm no expert in islamic marriage ceremonies, but why the "of course". If it's a contract the participants may not need to say any prayers (or anything at all).

crazydil · 01/09/2016 13:24

See this is the shit that pisses me right off. The whole 'presumably' bullshit. If you don't know anything then stop 'presuming' aka lying Ashhead24

MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/09/2016 13:27

I know a consultant who works after hours repairing the damage unqualified and unregulated imnans do. Sadly when it does go wrong it can go very badly wrong. Tiny babies bleed out in seconds. There is a major vein (I think?) extremely near and if that gets nicked. Well. Awful.

If you do give in to circumcism, don't have it done by a religious person.

wiltingfast · 01/09/2016 13:33

I think you need to tell her neither of you believe in Islam nor practice it and believe it would be profoundly hypocritical & disrespectful to initiate a religious ceremony which is of no relevance or meaning to you. Even to make her happy.

Would the Imam even perform it? He would surely know the parents don't practice. Certainly in RC they tend to ask some questions, and some very pointed ones in the actual ceremony... though as pp said the specific Iman may not care.

I would also be greatly concerned as to what she would ask next if she is accommodated in this request.

A definite no from me, YANBU

JigglypuffsCaptor · 01/09/2016 13:34

Misc that's horrific 😱 poor babies!

HazelBite · 01/09/2016 13:37

It is hypocritical to take part in any religious ceremony that is meaningless and irrelevant to any of the participants, it is an insult to the celebrant as well.

Tell your DP and MIL that you do not want to disrespect the IMAN or his beliefs

HouseworkIsASin10 · 01/09/2016 13:38

Don't do it.

He's got a cheek 'do it to make mum happy'.
What about making you happy??!!

He is badgering you about it, that would really get my goat.

I would tell him if he goes on about it then there won't be a bloody wedding.

PrettyBotanicals · 01/09/2016 13:46

his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband

I think this says all you need to know about allowing any hint of religion into your lives. For some religions, faith is a question of life and death.

Google apostasy.

And stand very very firm indeed.

Flowers
LongWayRound · 01/09/2016 13:47

someone saying she has no idea what a nikah is yet she has an Islamic wedding certificate (a niqah is the wedding!!!)

Not in DH's (Arabic-speaking) country it isn't. I'd never heard the word, and I've attended quite a few weddings here.

Going by the Wikipedia article linked to earlier, nikah is the Urdu term.

KeyserSophie · 01/09/2016 13:51

If you do give in to circumcism, don't have it done by a religious person.

Or actually, just don't get it done at all. I'm sure Allah/ God/ whoever knew what he was doing when he stuck a foreskin on. Own image and all that.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/09/2016 13:57

That's your husband been circumcised? Because if not then I reckon that is your solution....

"Listen darling - I've been thinking and I reckon what would make your mum really really happy is for you to be circumcised. I've been doing some research and I think we'd have to get the actual procedure done by a doctor but we could still have a big celebration afterwards. Maybe you could have photos taken if you don't want to actually drop your pants mid party. Tee hee. What? It is apparently very painful? But it would make your mum so happy - are you really denying her that joy due to a bit of an ouchy willy?"

hotdiggedy · 01/09/2016 14:01

To the poster who asked what it is exactly that i find worrying, I think I laid it out in my post!

Nikah is an Arabic word, no doubt it is used by Urdu speakers too. I am surprised you have never heard the word used.

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