To not want to send clothes I've bought for my OH's kids back to their mother's house?

[Step0]

My OH lives with me and his 2 kids stay with us a few times a week.

My OH pays maintenance for the kids but his ex only works part time and money is tighter for her so a lot of the kids clothes are hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with this, having an older sister means most of my clothes were hand me downs as I grew up.

I have a pretty well paid job and earn more than my OH, I'm not rolling in it but I have more disposable income than my OH and his ex. We've had issues with the ex sending the kids with clothes that they don't like and refuse to wear or are on the small side, so I buy them clothes to wear when they are at ours. Nothing expensive, but just nice clothes that they like. My OH and I have also bought clothes for the kids and given them to the ex for the kids at hers.

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home? My OHs ex isn't very organised and we wouldn't get the clothes back.

I'm baffled by the animosity, I suppose you could say I care more about clothes than my children. Just like the OP and her stepchildren.

Thanks persiancatlady

Thank you for all the constructive replies.

I'd like to set the record straight for those who are saying my OH doesn't do enough. He and the ex agreed maintenance amounts so his ex could afford to live, feed/ house the children etc. This left him unable to afford a place of his own, despite earning a good wage, but he is a great dad and would never see the kids going without. He lived with his parents when we met and was there until he moved in with me. He pays half the bills but I pay all the mortgage so that he can afford to give his ex as much as possible. I also pay half of the toys/presents for the children. This is my choice, my OH is grateful but would never insist I do this. I love the kids and want them to have to best that we can afford to give them, to use at both homes.
In addition to the maintenance, he also buys whatever the ex says the kids need. They have lots of clothes but the ex is given hand me down clothing too, as money was always tight for them when they were together, some of it is lovely, some of it is not or not the right size. This is the clothing that seems to appear at our house. I want the kids to be in nice clothes all the time. I know they have nice clothes at home too.
Money is not endless and I work hard for what I make. I choose to spend it on the children to buy extra clothes to wear when they are at our house but I do feel bad that sometimes they are told they can't take them all home, hence asking the original question.

YANBU OP - you shouldn't be expected to clothe the DSC constantly. I am a RP & got fed up of sending the children to their dad dressed as most would consider appropriate. Clothes and children came back in a state. He never washes their clothes & they would be encouraged to get paint or spag bol on their clothes 'cos mums got loads of money' - I don't. I would wash them and designated them as dad's clothes. When they grow out of things now, I raid primark & send them in those. They're always clean, tidy & fit properly. Their dad pays next to nothing towards them & has promised never to support them. #cocklodger

How old are the children, are they getting to an age where they can start taking responsibility for things themselves.

No, they are 3 and 7 so they can't pack for themselves.

What is the situation over school uniform for the 7yo, does mum manage to keep organised over that or is the 7yo going into school in either dirty or too small things. Is the mum truly disorganised or is she sending them to yours in inappropriate clothes on purpose.

I buy new clothes for DS he wears them to his dad's and comes home in clothes too small. Rinse and repeat. I'd never dream of saying anything the clothes don't belong to me they belong to my child.

If I asked for the clothes back he would have nothing at all that fit when he was there.

The uniform isn't an issue, OH buys this too, it always gets passed back and forth, and is clean.

The ex is dis-organised and maybe a little lazy, she was the same when she was with my OH and I see the massive ironing pile when I'm at her house. That is where the clothes live.

She can be manipulative so she could be doing it on purpose but I choose to not dwell on that as it wont make things better.

Ok haven't rtf properly sorry . But have seen some responses that match my own and some that are pretty different .

Perhaps I am personalising this but my DP has a similar situation.

I don't know how much maintenaince OP's OH pays or what his ex earns .
But my DP pays generous maintenaince above csa and kids are at his 40 % of time.
Their mum sends them over in old clothes that aren't suitable or warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer . I give his Ds my bigger ds' s good quality hand me downs ( nice stuff like boden ) as do DP freinds and family . I and he have also bought his dd pretty party dresses and good shoes and boots and coats and school uniform . I am a bit of a soft touch actually as going to Zara girls was a whole new adventure for me .

Really happy they went to their mums house with these clothes .. Totally agree clothes are for the DC not the person who bought them .
BUT
when they kept on and on returning without coats and correct size shoes and school uniform which kept on having to be replaced he started changing them back into what we call their "Amish clothes" before drop off and telling them to leave their coats in the car

I also want to say
As both a wicked stepmother myself and as a mother who receives child maintenaince... Op is nice to spend her wages on clothes for the kids . She wants to and that's great. But she doesn't HAVE to . So I don't think the couple of step mum bashing responses I have read are entirely necessary myself !

Mmh
Swishes her purple robe and stops off to talk to magic mirror
.

He pays half the bills but I pay all the mortgage so that he can afford to give his ex as much as possible

Woooow. That sounds so unfair to me OP. He's paying more than he can afford and really you're subsidising his maintenance payments with your wages. Each to their own but I bet she's rubbing her hands with glee knowing that she is getting more because of you.

Same here breezy - I have boys so I love buying girly stuff for my SD! I do of course make sure I get the same amount for my SS but I don't have as much fun doing it

If the op is happy with that, I don't see the problem 3boys. It makes a refreshing change from those who look for any opportunity to cut back on maintenance. It's nice that she wants to do the best by her stepkids that she can.

We pool all finances together in my family anyway but I have no issue at all with sending dh's ex more than we 'have' to and paying extras, especially as my ex is a twat and I know how shitty it is to be the rp where the NRP does all they can to get out of providing for the kids.

I've no idea on all the maintenance numbers but I was in the position of the kids- going back and forth between two families and clothing was a constant argument. I will be honest that it became a huge burden as a child when there was no need. My parents were not good at picking their battles!

The constructive thing that came to mind was I packed my own bag from about age 4. I had a case and someone stuck stickers in the bottom with the different things needed and the number. Then I made sure I wasn't leaving stuff I needed and so forth. Obviously at 4 someone must have checked what I packed but it gave me some ownership of something that otherwise was a horrible (yet so trivial) thing.

This irritates me with my eldest son who is growing at an alarming speed. His father only has him 4 days a month and without fail, I will send him in 'decent' clothes and he comes back in horrible clothes, nothing 'goes' in the entire outfit. He went with a brand new jacket last visit and came back with his dad's massively oversized hoodie on. I have now told his dad to find everything that came from my house and give it back. Drives me mad. By the time I usually get it back after kicking up a fuss it's becoming too small. Or he will visit his granny on his dad's side and then 6 months later I will get a bag of clothes for my younger son as a 'oh I was clearing out DS1's wardrobe at mine and I've got some things for DS2 for you' which I think aw that's nice of her thanks. Then the bag turns up and it's 70% stuff I've bought DS1 and have been hunting for!

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I get it, it's frustrating. I don't think there's much more you can do.

You're clothing your stepchild at your house, and at his mums house, and yet you're still getting slagged off.

Surely It's his mums responsibility to clothe her own child in her own home, but you're doing half of it for her, And yet you're the one being called unreasonable.

If this was the other way round, eg his mum sending him to his dad's in nice new clothes, and coming back in too small clothes the replies would be very very different.

YANBU at all, but this is MN and you're a step mum so the majority won't agree with you.

hippy as I said each to their own. I'm an RP myself and also been a SM. After being a SM it has coloured my view a bit. I would not expect my ex to pay me extra just because his partner's wages means he's got more money coming in to his household.

I couldn't disagree more with the majority of posters on this thread.
Some of the comments directed at the OP are bang out of order

OP as a step-parent (whose DP had 50:50 residency) I'm a real advocate of keeping separate wardrobes at both homes.
And btw to the poster who corrected your thread title - just ignore, no need. Sounds like these children have 2 homes to me.

I think in this new 21st century blended family scenario the worst thing about children going between 2 homes is the packing! Packing is for holidays imo. So why not keep clothes at yours?

Our dc go between homes in pj's and are changed when they get there.

Having said that, I have a very good relationship with dsc mum insofar as we discuss styles/particular needs and if needed we offer half the money.

I'm with you OP. We are in a very similar situation, DP pays more than he can afford and before we moved in together he had to live with parents.
DSD used to come to us in old worn out clothes, she does have nice ones but her mum chooses to send her in those, so we bought clothes. At first they went back to mums but never came back, and she never turned up with any clothes to wear with us. We had several visits where we had to go out on a Friday night and buy new clothes to get through the weekend. For 2 months she turned up in a shirt falling to pieces, I repaired the holes in the seams 4 times over two months!
Now she wears clothes we have bought at ours and they stay at ours, I wash the ones she came in and send her back in those.
We could not afford to buy her a new wardrobe every other weekend, it's not feasible and also not fair on DS, seeing DSD getting new clothes all the time.
We have on occasion bought duplicate clothes so there is one at each home, but not often.
DSD has not complained about the situation, in fact she complained more when she didn't have clothes to wear!

3boys I entirely agree there should be no expectation there whatsoever. My ex thinks he shouldn't have to pay the bare minimum because my husband is on a good wage and is happy to pay for the kids. Because he's a fucker. It's just how the OP worded it like it was something she was happy to do by choice, and I think it's nice. If her DH was pushing her towards it or the RP was - that would be shit. But if it's something she wants to do, that's cool of her.

OP whilst it's frustrating the best thing to do is try to minimise it's impact of you because ultimately your feelings will impact negatively on the children. My Ex has tried so many ridiculous stunts with keeping clothes, uniforms, coats and shoes. For him it's a game though but ultimately it's the kids who suffer and who get upset if they inadvertently bring a tshirt from daddy's home. If she's not doing it deliberately and you get on ok, then is it worth trying to have a conversation about it to try to make some practical arrangements for swapping a bag of clothes ( unknown to the kids) on a particular day?Perhaps frame it along the lines of wanting to make sure the kids have enough 'play' clothes at each house and a few 'good' outfits?

DeVelvet you make those children travel between houses in PYJAMMAS?

I can't actually believe that but if it IS true, how old are these children and until what age do you propose to utterly humiliate them in this way? And just for context, making my then seven year old travel home in her pyjammas then was one of many reasons why my Ex was severely reprimanded by a judge in a family court.

And rightly bloody so. I've read some crap on these threads in my time but THAT takes the biscuit.

I have a niece who stays with us 3 nights a week. She has a wardrobe full of clothes that stay here so that she doesn't have to pack bags all the time and bring things with her.

She comes in her school uniform Friday, wears her clothes that are here all weekend then goes straight to school in uniform again on Monday morning.

She takes a few items of clothing home every now and again but mainly they stay at ours because if they go home I never see them again and I can't afford to keep replacing clothes all the time. She doesn't have tons, just a staple wardrobe of t-shirts and leggings, some trainers and a few nice dresses for if we go out.

I don't think it is unreasonable to have some items that you keep at yours. Sometimes you don't know what plans are and if the children don't arrive with the right stuff packed you then end up running round to buy things they need. Having some items kept at yours just makes sense to me.

I am in a different position to you, but recognise the frustration. My 2 kids will, about once a month stay overnight or 2 nights with my MIL. I always packed a bag of appropriate clothes for different weather etc. When the kids come back, the bag has never been touched (except for pants for my son) My MIL will have dressed them in her other granddaughters - awful- clothes (including pants for my daughter). Often the clothes the kids are sent back in are garish or ill fitting and my boy sometimes is wearing girls clothes. It used to irritate me, but now i just pack all those clothes back in the bag for the next time. I don't know why it happens , but i just don't care!