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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send clothes I've bought for my OH's kids back to their mother's house?

289 replies

Step0 · 31/08/2016 10:32

My OH lives with me and his 2 kids stay with us a few times a week.

My OH pays maintenance for the kids but his ex only works part time and money is tighter for her so a lot of the kids clothes are hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with this, having an older sister means most of my clothes were hand me downs as I grew up.

I have a pretty well paid job and earn more than my OH, I'm not rolling in it but I have more disposable income than my OH and his ex. We've had issues with the ex sending the kids with clothes that they don't like and refuse to wear or are on the small side, so I buy them clothes to wear when they are at ours. Nothing expensive, but just nice clothes that they like. My OH and I have also bought clothes for the kids and given them to the ex for the kids at hers.

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home? My OHs ex isn't very organised and we wouldn't get the clothes back.

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 31/08/2016 12:27

Any clothes we gave used to get sold etc
How low can someone get?

PersianCatLady · 31/08/2016 12:32

You will end up with all the new stuff at her house and you will keep having to buy new stuff to make up what's been kept there
Maybe I am being a bit simple here but is there no possibility of calling her and saying that "the kids are running out of clothes here would there be any chance I could pop round and pick some things up so they have something to wear this weekend?"

MillionToOneChances · 31/08/2016 12:32

I think YANBU. Things disappear into my ex's house for months on end, often permanently. It's not like the kids are using them there, they're just gone. The clothes he's bought for there disappear there too, or end up resurfacing in siblings' drawers.

They can take what they like, but I now send a dirty washing bag and get them to bring things back here clean or dirty.

MLGs · 31/08/2016 12:36

I think you could "loosely" keep some things at yours. I.e. keep a general wardrobe of stuff at yours but allowed kids to go back in what they like.

Encourage them to do their own packing to come to yours maybe so they also bring stuff they like.

Maybe also the cm money needs to go up if she's struggling to clothes them.

PersianCatLady · 31/08/2016 12:42

shabbychic1
You seem to have step-parenting down to a fine art, good on you.

AdjustableWench · 31/08/2016 12:44

It does depend very much on why the clothes don't reappear.

No step kids here, but my ex is less organised than I am, and almost all the kids' clothes end up at his place. When I start running out of clothes for the kids I ask him to pack a big bag with lots of clothes for each of them, and the cycle starts again. But in this case, there's no maliciousness about it - he's just less organised. I wouldn't wash clothes and send them back because then I'd have even less stuff here (and it would be extra laundry for me). Also, I retire things that are too small because he doesn't seem to notice. No point getting annoyed about it; just deal with it.

The case mentioned by a PP, where the new clothes were being sold, is another thing again. Pretty shocking really.

JenLindleyShitMom · 31/08/2016 12:46

We've also been told that she sells the Xmas and birthday presents we buy them to afford a bigger house shock

Hmm are you buying thousands of pounds worth of presents? I very much doubt she is selling their xmas and birthday presents.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 31/08/2016 12:48

If this was the other way around and the mum/stepdad didn't want the clothes she/he had bought going to the children's dad's house, they would be told they are NOT being unreasonable.
It's only when you are a stepmum/parent in the NR household that you're not allowed any say in what your own money or what happens to the things you buy with that money.

You won't get any thanks from the their mum for putting your hand in your pocket for your stepchildren, so sod her. Keep them at yours.

80sWaistcoat · 31/08/2016 12:49

This will be a temporary problem. They will eventually pack and sort out their own clothes. I know that's no help at the moment though!

greenfolder · 31/08/2016 12:58

In a practical sense, can you not just weed out the stuff that is too small or too tatty and not send it back? So all the stuff in circulation is age appropriate? I would ignore the don't like clothes as this could just be kids playing you.

MarklahMarklah · 31/08/2016 12:58

It could be unintentional that they are sent with too-small/too-old clothes but I'm aware of a couple going through a split where the ex-wife is being difficult.
Both of them have new partners. Husband and his new partner (of several years) had kids over for weekend. His ex hadn't sent coats and it was chucking it down so they took the children out and bought them raincoats. Three children aged 4-9.
Raincoats went home with children when they went back to mum.

A month later, husband went to collect kids from ex-wife. In porch noticed funny smell (she wouldn't let him go into the house). On pegs were plastic bags with the coats in. Screwed up and mouldy.
She hadn't bothered to dry them or do anything because he and his new partner had bought them.

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 13:01

It does depend very much on why the clothes don't reappear.

OP has said it's because nice clothes tend to hang out in the laundry basket at their mother's house. So no malice or neglect, just different household routines.

PeppaIsMyHero · 31/08/2016 13:08

YANBU, but it's difficult. I had exactly the same situation and it used to totally wind me up.

Then we had a think about how it was for the children, and I gave myself a kick and decided to be delighted they wanted to take the stuff I bought them to the place they spent the most time.

We kept some things here - I have a stock of barely worn wellies in every single size, which almost drove me bonkers - but mostly I just sucked it up and kept reminding myself that it wasn't going to be like this forever.

user1472640125 · 31/08/2016 13:11

Perstilence, I think its very easy to throw comments about what we should and shouldn't be doing. My partner fought for 3 years just to get weekends with his boys. Do you not think if we could get full custody we would still be in this crap situation? Unless you have been there and done it you will never understand. Despite social workers being involved, care workers for the youngest and police (who have even written to social services to inform them that moms house is the worst environment he has seen children live in) we are still banging our heads against a brick wall. The mother has mental health issues which DP has tried to help her with for many years and was her carer for a time. This is not just a case of tit for tat between us and her nor is it step mom against birth mom. I've gone above and beyond for us all to work as a unit. I think having a separate wardrobe of clothes for here and there, in the grand scheme of things isn't a big deal.

Koan · 31/08/2016 13:18

Maybe she and the kids are playing you, turning up in rags - and selling the good stuff Grin

Could you get some of the clothes second hand too? They grow out of things so fast. I did this with DC for most clothes, whether we had a lot or not much money coming in. Never tatty. Just might defuse attachment as you'd be spending less for the same practical result and it relaxes the divide between the two parental homes.

BlackeyedSusan · 31/08/2016 13:18

keep them at yours so the children are adequately clothed at yours. this is doing the best for the children in these circumstances. no you are not awful for considering the children's needs. awful would be making the kids wear the non fitting clothes

LittleBeautyBelle · 31/08/2016 13:24

You feel like the clothes will disappear or not be cared for and never seen again...that's understandable. I guess what seems weird to me is making them change out of them when it's time for them to go home/to the other house...doesn't that seem strange to you? But, I still get what you mean. What if you've bought them nice clothes and they wear them home and then you never see them in the clothes again? If you feel that this is what would happen, then maybe it is reasonable. It would be nice for the mom to make sure the kids wore the clothes you bought often when they came over to your house...if you know for sure you'd never see the clothes on the kids again, then yes it is reasonable to keep clothing at home for them.

AnneGables · 31/08/2016 13:27

We buy lots of clothes for DSD's and always send it with them, they grow out of things so quickly, we'd rather it got worn and enjoyed by them wherever that may be.

It can be frustrating when you never see bits again and they turn up in things too small or stained etc. but Dh now texts and asks them to pack certain things if we're going somewhere nice as a way round it.

My dn's have to get changed immediately upon arriving at their dad's and back in the stuff from their mum's before they go home, I'm not sure that sends out a very good message.

debbs77 · 31/08/2016 13:30

Poor OP!!!

You are not being undereasonable. But your partner is. Is this joint funds the clothes are paid from or your own earnings? He needs to step up I'm afraid xx

Kr1stina · 31/08/2016 13:38

As always, everything is fine if both parents have the same views and standards about what are reasonable clothes - style, condition, cleanliness etc . And if they both behave fairly about exchanging and washing clothes if necessary.

But if they agreed about things they probably wouldn't have got divorced . So you often have to deal with a certain amount of animosity and unreasonable behaviour .

That's why so many people end up doing clothes for mums house and clothes for dads house. It's not ideal but it's a practical solution . I really don't understand why so many people are being mean to the OP without actually suggesting a workable solution to her problem .

youarenotkiddingme · 31/08/2016 13:40

It's unrealistic to think if you bought clothes they'd never be seen again and they'd only come to yours in old hand me downs.

If they had enough clothes that fit they would t have the hand me downs.

Perhaps they could each be given a staple wardrobe of clothes that fit so the unsuitable ones can go to clothes bank and there isn't this choice and power struggle.

If you can afford it - which it sounds you can - it would be the kindest gesture.

thesnailandthewhale · 31/08/2016 13:41

I think the op has had some harsh criticism here, she has said she's supported the her partners ex by buying clothes for her house, why should she have to keep buying more if the ones she has bought never re-appear?

I had similar a while back when I was with my ex. His ex would send their son in random clothes, all bought from car boot sales which is fine IF they were the right age - when he was aged 8 he arrived once in a mens jumper size large , (she had bought it because it had a batman picture on the front), another time he came in thin cotton pyjamas (middle of the day) as she hadn't done any washing. When she did do the washing she would put all of it in a pile on a bedroom floor and everyone took stuff from the pile to wear, this meant he would sometimes wear his stepdads socks and sometimes his younger sisters socks (age 3). My ex always sent him home in age / season appropriate clothing but it was rarely seen again and if it was it was usually stained / covered in dog hair. So no, I don't think you are unreasonable to keep hold of some of the decent bits you've bought at your house.

Astoria797 · 31/08/2016 13:52

Are you sure the kids themselves aren't playing you? Eg complaining about clothes because they know you'll buy thm new ones?

Regardless, the clothes you buy for the kids should stay with them.

Sara107 · 31/08/2016 14:08

If the kids are staying over several times a week it wold seem to me to make sense that they have a basic set of everything at the op's house anyway so that they aren't always having to pack and cart stuff back and forth. So toothbrush, hairbrush, toiletries, PJs, socks and underwear, and a few sets of clothes they are likely to need while they're there. So it makes sense to me that op and her dh provide this stuff. But maybe if they are arriving in clothes that don't even fit then probably they need additional clothes to have at their mums house as well. If she can't or won't buy them then their dad should be buying them.

hrtbigbutt · 31/08/2016 14:12

YANBU I can't believe some of the responses I've read!! You have bought and paid for the clothes for the kids to wear when they stay with you, what will happen if you want to take them out and they arrive looking a mess in too small clothes? I know a few parents who do the same thing. My ex sil would deliberately send the kids in terrible clothes knowing Dad would buy new ones!!!