Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send clothes I've bought for my OH's kids back to their mother's house?

289 replies

Step0 · 31/08/2016 10:32

My OH lives with me and his 2 kids stay with us a few times a week.

My OH pays maintenance for the kids but his ex only works part time and money is tighter for her so a lot of the kids clothes are hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with this, having an older sister means most of my clothes were hand me downs as I grew up.

I have a pretty well paid job and earn more than my OH, I'm not rolling in it but I have more disposable income than my OH and his ex. We've had issues with the ex sending the kids with clothes that they don't like and refuse to wear or are on the small side, so I buy them clothes to wear when they are at ours. Nothing expensive, but just nice clothes that they like. My OH and I have also bought clothes for the kids and given them to the ex for the kids at hers.

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home? My OHs ex isn't very organised and we wouldn't get the clothes back.

OP posts:
AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 11:18

The mum probably isn't doing it deliberately. Some parents have different priorities, it isn't wrong or right. Clothes just aren't a big deal to my stepkids' mum and that's fine. Of course sometimes it is deliberate, but there usually no way of knowing so it's better to give her the benefit of the doubt, for the kids' sake.

I agree. I don't see how maintaining separate wardrobes (not in an extremely rigid way so that the children are involved) is upsetting for anyone involved?

DrFoxtrot · 31/08/2016 11:20

If OP is a normal person, which is quite likely, I'm sure she's not being overly possessive of the clothes. She doesn't see them as 'her' clothes. If she senses that it's a one way drain of new good clothes, that's probably because it's true.

I'm not sure anyone can understand unless they've been in a similar situation. Realising that there are no leggings without holes because they're all at dads. When you bought a number of cheap pairs in bulk a few weeks before. It's annoying.

Original poster
Step0 · 31/08/2016 11:20

And I want to add that the ex isn't point scoring either, I don't think.

She isn't organised and the nice clothes sit in the ironing pile for weeks. We all get on well. We have enough clothes for the kids when they stay at ours, but if we send all the stuff home, then we wont have enough.

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 31/08/2016 11:23

We have enough clothes for the kids when they stay at ours, but if we send all the stuff home, then we wont have enough.

But why would you send all the stuff home? You asked about sending the stuff you buy home for them, surely you just send them home in what they wear (regardless of who bought it) and everything else gets washed and hung in their wardrobe for next stay.

RainbowDashstolemyidentity · 31/08/2016 11:24

I really don't have a problem with my kids wearing clothes I have bough to their Dads, like others have said they are their clothes. I wouldn't however send any of their best stuff.
He however has a huge problem with it, when they arrive at his he makes them get changed and the clothes that they have taken off they have to come back to me wearing. I just find it bizarre!

MangosteenSoda · 31/08/2016 11:24

I'd send then home in the clothes they happen to be wearing on the day they leave, keeping everything else at your place. Just pack the one outfit they arrived in to send back with them and ask the DM to do the same in return. As I understand it, you're currently packing all/most clothes every time, right?

Once a bit older though, they may want to take more back because they might want to wear particular items to a party or playdate. I think it would be unfair to prevent this.

BillSykesDog · 31/08/2016 11:24

I have seen several threads on here where the mother sends clothes to the fathers and doesn't have them returned or has them returned in a poor state. The answer is always to tell him he needs to get his own supplies of stuff, I don't see why this should be different.

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 11:25

She isn't organised and the nice clothes sit in the ironing pile for weeks

Mystery solved.

I don't see the problem with what you've suggested.

herecomesthsun · 31/08/2016 11:26

I have sometimes bought bundles of very nice clothes (Boden etc) off Ebay economically for my own kids (I don't have stepkids).

I would be inclined I think to do this in this situation so that there are more nice clothes, inexpensively bought, available.

I can see the advantage of having some spares that live at your house as well. You wouldn't, say want them to be cold when they came to you if they were sent without a cardigan or hoodie, so having at least 1 warm outfit would be useful, and so on.

hippydippybaloney · 31/08/2016 11:28

My ex makes the kids get changed as soon as they get in and then get changed again before they leave, and wear the clothes he has there. The kids hate it. They have limited contact as it is, and it eats up into time and is annoying for them.

Ridiculous as before he started doing this I always sent 'his' stuff back perfectly clean and ironed without ever anything missing, and he often kept stuff from here there. The stuff he also bought was generally poorer fitting and not as nice as their stuff here so the kids preferred their own stuff.

Not the same though as he was doing it on purpose to be an asshole.

I do understand it's irritating not getting anything decent back to have when they're with you because the mum is disorganised, I just don't think it's worth the aggro of making the kids get changed before they leave etc. She lives her life differently to you and that's ok so long as the kids aren't being neglected.

Either find a way to stop caring about what they look like in their 'scruffy' clothes from her house or keep buying stuff and hope it's what they end up wearing when they come to you, maybe keeping one or two special things for meals out etc.

herecomesthsun · 31/08/2016 11:28

PS we don't usually iron stuff, though we hang up to dry by the dehumidifier, and I get a lot of comments on how lovely my kids look and how well turned out they are...

confuugled1 · 31/08/2016 11:28

I can see both sides - must be awful for the dc knowing they have nice clothes but they can't wear them because they're at your house, but likewise it must be incredibly frustrating for you because they'll get to your house and not have anything nice/comfortable/appropriate to wear. And money isn't limitless, you can't just keep buying more clothes every time it happens. So whichever way you look at it, you're in a lose - lose situation.

How old are the dc? Are they old enough to task with making sure that they bring the right clothes back with them? Even to the point of taking them out of the washing basket or airing cupboard or wherever they might have ended up, so that they're bringing them back dirty, but at least they're with you and you'd know that you needed to throw them into the wash as soon as you got home...

I assume that you don't think that the ex is doing something else with the clothes like deliberately keeping them back and sending ones she knows are too small or that the dc don't like, or keeping them to sell them and pocket the money (I'm sure I read of somebody on here that was having problems with their ex's OH doing that) - that it's incompetence rather than deliberate being awkward/sabotage/meanness that is the problem...

I assume too that you've spoken to the dc about this - do they have any ideas about what a good solution would be?

Would the ex be amenble to getting a text that said 'please could you make sure that DSS/DSD remembers to bring her xxx outfit with her, even if it's dirty?' with a reminder text to the child as well?

Have you/OH spoken to the ex to make it explicitly clear to her that it is a problem? if she is disorganised she might not even really be thinking about it and just be glad that she's managed to pack a bag that has an outfit in it and a uniform and knows that the dc have clothes at yours without stopping to think that actually they bring two outfits back with them and she only sends one so that they don't have plenty of stuff to choose from at your house any more...

Pestilence13610 · 31/08/2016 11:29

If they are staying with you several times a week do not send clothes from house to house (except school uniform).
My siblings and I were stepkids, my DC are step kids, I have 2 DSDs. The only one with problems is DSD2 who tries to keep all clothes at the house they were bought by, she lugs around a large bag of clothes, toys and books and never has what she wants.

JenLindleyShitMom · 31/08/2016 11:29

when they arrive at his he makes them get changed and the clothes that they have taken off they have to come back to me wearing.

Yes my ex is the same. My DCs hate it. Younger DC almost had a meltdown one day when he came home and realised he was wearing a pair of socks from dad's house and was panicking about taking them back ASAP. It's not fair.

Letseatgrandma · 31/08/2016 11:30

f you think that sending them back with the children will result in you having to buy new clothes every time they stay due to inappropriate ones being sent then yes keep them at yours.

This. I think it's sensible to keep some clothes at your house.

If you send them back with them and then the next time (and the next) they come to you in inappropriate or ill-fitting clothes again-you'd have to buy them more!

JenLindleyShitMom · 31/08/2016 11:31

The answer is always to tell him he needs to get his own supplies of stuff, I don't see why this should be different.

The mother does have her own supplies of stuff.

hippydippybaloney · 31/08/2016 11:31

jenlindley we have had this too. If they accidentally come home in something of 'his' they get really stressed. It's not fair.

QuintessentialShadow · 31/08/2016 11:33

Why dont you pack down the old clothes to send home with them, and let them wear whatever you/they were dressed in the day they leave?

It is not that they dont HAVE nice clothes, so you dont really have to worry about it, as long as you know you have bought clothes for both houses. They can have a a nice selection at your house, as long as they have a nice selection at mums too.

MotherKat · 31/08/2016 11:33

Yanbu, my Ex used to do this, found out he was returning the new clothes for store credit which he was selling to his mates for cash, I started labelling everything in permanent marker and it stopped. If they're at yours for a few days just make sure they have the crummy clothes laid out for the day of the return journey, once they get big enough to decide what to wear then it should stop.

Ilovenannyplum · 31/08/2016 11:34

OP I agree with you, my step kids mum sends them to us in old too small clothes. And the clothes they come in is all they have for the weekend.

It annoys me endlessly that we buy them new clothes and they go home never to be seen again and weekend after weekend they turn up in the same old sets of clothes. It's an expensive vicious circle Hmm

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 31/08/2016 11:34

OP we have a similar situation where every wknd we had DSC, we would have to go out and buy them new clothes and shoes, underwear, socks the works. A lot of the time I paid for them.
They went back to their mums and then two weeks later she sent them back in stinking, stained clothes which didn't fit. We repeatedly asked her to send them with clothes we had bought, but they were 'lost' or some other excuse.
We then had our own children and couldn't afford this carry on along with the maintenance, particularly on mat pay.
Funny how she accidentally sent DSD in someone else's jumper and I used it as a bargaining chip for the shoes I had bought DSD and had been asking for for months, but were 'lost'. They reappeared and DSD said she wore them all the time Angry
She was just using us to buy the kids wardrobe. She even had the cheek to tell her DD that one of the pairs of shoes MY MUM had bought her were ugly!! They still didn't get sent back though.
It got to a point where DP had to ask kids to remove clothes when they got dropped off (in the house) and she got angry and said its 'degrading'. I don't agree that they should have to do it, but we were losing a brand new full outfit for 2 kids every fortnight. They weren't cheap either, DP refuses for them to wear generic trainers and clothes had to be next etc.
Our kids wear whatever I've bought in the sale and it was really starting to grate.
We've also been told that she sells the Xmas and birthday presents we buy them to afford a bigger house Shock

NavyandWhite · 31/08/2016 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessHairyMclary · 31/08/2016 11:37

I send DD to her Dads in her older clothes, simply because when ever I've sent her in newer stuff it comes home (if it comes home) covered in stains. I e tried having a stash of basic leggings and shirts but they disappear too and I don't have enough money to keep replacing her clothes.

2kids2dogsnosense · 31/08/2016 11:37

As long as the ex isn't sticking your good clothes straight onto eBay, then let the kids take them home. You've admitted you can afford it and their mother can't - be kind and let them get the pleasure out other good stuff.

EllenJanethickerknickers · 31/08/2016 11:39

My ex does this. The DSs go to his house in school uniform (which I buy) on a Thursday after school, EOW and come home in school uniform on the Sunday night. They only have one blazer each so that seems practical. He never washes their uniform, though. Hmm

In the school holidays they go there in clothes from home, change straight away and come back in the same clothes. It means we never have to worry about losing clothes. I don't mind, the DSs don't either. It might be different if they were more concerned about what they wear.

DS1 is going to university soon and I expect that he'll be able to take some of his clothes from his dad's with him!

Swipe left for the next trending thread