Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I snooped but

303 replies

weeyin411 · 29/08/2016 01:04

Ok so my sons mobile was on charge I picked it up and checked to see if it was full...but when I clicked his messenger was open and I was nosey. I read it now what do I do. He's talking to a friend who says some girl says she kissed him (my son) which he is saying she's lying now, the problem is the language he was using is not how he's allowed to talk. He's also called her a few names rhymes with bore ....few other things. What's even worse is this friend has screenshot what he said and apparently shown the girl.

AIBU to go mad at him for this? It's what I want to do. Angry

OP posts:
husbandnet · 30/08/2016 17:50

Your son is 12, which in my book changes a lot.. His right to privacy isn't absolute. You have a duty to protect him and help him protect himself. The digital legacy kids leave behind is never erased, and anything that blows up now can still be found by a future employer, school, friend etc.

If I were you I'd gently explain how you came to see his messages, reassure him you're not in the habit of doing it, but you did see some stuff that concerned you - ie his language etc. Looks to me he hasn't done much wrong. And remember to go easy since this was done in private and that is different to when your mum is listening.
Offer to help him navigate this tricky world a little. Don;t make it an issue between you but rather an issue you can both deal with together.

Bluemoon49 · 30/08/2016 17:50

Perfectly reasonable to check your 12yr old's phone OP. And have a very serious talk with him about how to treat/talk about women. This sort of thing needs to be 'nipped in the bud' as they say! Totally unacceptable language, whether it's in a private conversation or not!

Theimpossiblegirl · 30/08/2016 17:54

Bollocks to all the 'invading his privacy' rubbish. He's a child. You have every right to check his phone, it's basic safeguarding.

I would sit him down for a chat about the names he is calling this poor girl and about respect. If she shows her parents/the school, he could end up in a lot of trouble for cyber bullying so as a responsible parent, you need to deal with it. Better you deal with it now than him get into trouble for similar stuff later on.

riceuten · 30/08/2016 17:55

You know your son better than us - how will he react if he knows you have read his email/texts?

dogletsrock · 30/08/2016 17:58

When we got my sons phone before he went to high schoolwe made it clear that until he was older we would on occasion check his phone. He has Aspergers and can have trouble with his peers. On what's app we have found 2 lots of bullying. Not against my son but against a girl in his year group. My son didn't have anything to do with it, but he also did nothing to stop it, along with a large number of his class mates. At 12 they are not always old enough to know what the right choice is or how to get help. The only thing is he, knows I will look at his phone. He is still a child and I must protect him until he is old enough to do it himself

Janey50 · 30/08/2016 18:05

Personally I don't see any problem with keeping tabs on your children's phone's.

VioletRoar · 30/08/2016 18:07

Op I'll certainly have all passwords to my 12 yr old's phone. (He's 11 now, doesn't have a phone yet but will for high school).

I would have a general discussion about respect for women etc, try not to panic.

jennn · 30/08/2016 18:10

If this happened to me I would now explain that you can monitor all of his phone conversations (& you've been reading about online safely etc -ceops is a great site for advice) from your phone/laptop etc & that you are doing it because he is still a child & it's your responsibility to ensure he's safe.
Discuss a few ground rules & you both know what is expected.
I don't think you are out of order, but I think the price of your child's trust is massive!

mummypeepee · 30/08/2016 18:19

I don't think yabu. My dd's have to share passwords etc so they can be checked on. Not for nosiness but for their own protection ie cyber bullying inappropriate messages. I would say something. Maybe not go bat chit crazy but deffo have a word about the language

Mummybecks0 · 30/08/2016 18:21

I think as a parent we have a right to check and to ensure our kids are safe. He is 12! A child. My daughter (9) knows I can , and do, check her phone and laptop at any time. It's the responsible thing to do.
Nowadays there are so many risks to kids with social media etc. predators and cyber bullying just two!
If a conversation is needed to ensure your son is taught (reminded!) how to respect girls/women then it should definitely be done.

Notquitewhatiexpected · 30/08/2016 18:23

When I updated my iPhone it synced with my 12 year old son's; I was then privy to a long conversation between him and his girlfriend. I did tell him that I was receiving all their texts, they carried on so I had no option but to correct their spelling and grammar...Wink

lisap45 · 30/08/2016 18:25

If he's only 12 then yanbu. Parents should know what their children are accessing online etc, I would be appalled if my son was using that language about girls and would definitely say something to him. Have been in a similar situation myself with my now 15 year old. Yes of course there's privacy, but there's also knowing as a child that you parents have the right for safety reasons to have access to your phone.

lisap45 · 30/08/2016 18:27

Agree with jennn.

DunelmBrokeMe · 30/08/2016 18:29

I think more parents need to check their teens/ pre-teen's phone and social media use actually, without needing to even term it 'snooping'. It's protection.

Tapandgo · 30/08/2016 18:30

Nothing wrong with checking a 12 year olds phone - it's called supervising and keeping your children safe. Much of what he is saying though is normal pre teen and teen conversation. As he gets older he will become more adept at hiding things from you. Maybe set up Facebook house rules before he gets to that minefield - you don't want him putting that language on line/ public further down the line.

I'd bring up the issues of how to treat girls/name calling etc in a general pre high school mother to son chat.

Woody67 · 30/08/2016 18:33

I'm amazed by the number of people who feel it's wrong to look for privacy reasons! I think its irresponsible to allow a child of 12 access to social media without monitoring what they're up to. My son is 12 and I allow him things like Instagram on the basis that I may check his posts. Just as well as I found someone was trying to groom him via direct messages in Instagram.

DunelmBrokeMe · 30/08/2016 18:35

Just to add to that point, our anti-virus had a feature that sent me alerts if my stepdaughter typed certain words in or lied about her age. Within days of letting her use the internet unsupervised (and she was about 12 at this point) I got an alert to tell me that she'd told a man that she was 18. So, I'll fully defend my position that they need protecting from themselves at that age.

CaraJane1994 · 30/08/2016 18:36

As a teacher with many hours of training on internet safety I set up lots of parental checks on on-line use and internet safety and still have some of it in place despite my eldest child being 15. The on-line world scares me senseless so I pre-warned my children that these safety features would be set-up as soon as they started using the internet and they have not been questioned since.

rockcake · 30/08/2016 18:42

He's a minor OP - very much so. Don't think you've invaded anything, don't listen to the preachers; you're his mum.... I'd have a few firm but friendly words with him, if I were you re respect issues etc . Don't worry too much about any of it, sure will all be fine in the end Halo

MrsWeasley · 30/08/2016 18:45

As soon as my DC got phones (which I pay for so are actually in my name) they were told I would be checking them, if they don't want me to see something I suggested they thought long and hard about what they were saying.
I
agree its not about privacy but all about protection. It can also be the basis of some very important chats that don't have to even be about the texts read more on the line of a friend said her son/daughter received a text about xxxx and he/ she is really upset. What do you think he/she should do? Etc That way (in their mind) its not directly about their situation.

jacks11 · 30/08/2016 18:50

I think at 12 years old doesn't have right of complete privacy of a mobile phone. They are still very young to have unfettered use of this kind of device, IMHO.

Agree with Somerville re internet and mobile phone safety when she says advisors say that....children should have their phones and social media checked to make sure they're staying safe, not being or doing online bullying, etc. That is the advice I have heard both from school and from child protection talks at work. There are a number of cases when things go wrong in terms of bullying/using inappropriate sites/grooming etc with social media etc where parents had no idea what there children were doing on-line/via social media or apps on mobile phones because they didn't keep an eye. IMO it is pretty irresponsible to give children and young teens access to the internet/smart phones and so on without giving them boundaries and policing those.

It is more difficult for OP because she hasn't made the fact that his mobile phone will be checked explicit before she read his messages. That means OP needs to have an open and honest conversation about what happened. She has to explain that she should have come up with some sort of ground rules about checking his phone etc and why this is necessary, but that she made a mistake not put this sort of arrangement in place. Then she should apologise to her DS for this error, and also for looking at his messages without him knowing about it. Then explain why she is unhappy about what she read and take things from there.

LuluJakey1 · 30/08/2016 18:51

I would be furious with him and having a conversation about his choice of words and the way he and his friends are using mobile phones.

Sweetie18 · 30/08/2016 18:52

Definitely not.
My eldest son was around the same age several years ago. We said we would check his phone etc as and when we felt we needed to - didn't very often as we trusted him and thought he needed privacy and we had a very open relationship with him and he felt he could talk to us about "embarrassing things" , sex etc (still does lol I will never forget sitting down for lunch at a carvery to get a text from him with a picture of part of his privates as he thought there was something wrong 🙈😂 but that's a whole different story) He was doing his homework in living room on computer we were cooking dinner in the kitchen with his young siblings running in and out of both rooms. I poked my head around door to check on him and to my horror he was sitting there watching porn that a friend had sent him a link to!! It had bypassed the parental controls as was from a different country. Then checked his phone and online messages to find out he is asking girls to send him pictures - and no not of their faces!! - we thought he would never dream of doing things like this but obviously were totally wrong.
As his siblings get older we will be checking on them too for their safety and our sanity

MyFuckingHair · 30/08/2016 18:55

It's good to check his phone every now and then. Sensible even.

dora38 · 30/08/2016 19:01

I wouldn't care what country you live in....no 12 year old should think their phone won't be checked. Tell him from now on you will be checking all forms of communication as it's only right. He is still a child !

Swipe left for the next trending thread