I snooped but

[weeyin411]

Ok so my sons mobile was on charge I picked it up and checked to see if it was full...but when I clicked his messenger was open and I was nosey. I read it now what do I do. He's talking to a friend who says some girl says she kissed him (my son) which he is saying she's lying now, the problem is the language he was using is not how he's allowed to talk. He's also called her a few names rhymes with bore ....few other things. What's even worse is this friend has screenshot what he said and apparently shown the girl.

AIBU to go mad at him for this? It's what I want to do.

I gave both my children the same gift on their 16th birthday - The right to change their passwords on social media and not give me the new ones.

Up till then I was firmly in charge of regularly checking who they were speaking to and what was said.

My daughters nearly 11, only has a phone when needed, and so uses mine. She has her own iPad, but her emails also come through to my phone, she's not bothered, and I like to see what she's writing, don't think that will have changed by the age of 12. So think that kind of language can be addressed with no shame in looking at the phone of a 12 year old. Most parents I know have made it clear to kids of this age that they will look what's going on. If that's been shown to the girl, it could have been shown to her parents, who I imagine would not be happy, and would have a right to take it up with school.
Only downside is he may become more secretive!

He is only twelve so yes you should be keeping an eye on things, any parent who tells you different is not very responsible. You are in your right as a parent to flag it up because if you don't the girl's parents will and the consequence could be far worse.

My daughter is now 17 and a half so entitled to privacy. When she was that age she had none!! I knew her passwords and she knew this. Protection. NSPCC recommendation and ceop. Can you imagine if that were a sexual message from someone older? I think there would be less outrage. I also monitored internet usage.

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You do all know that the government copies & scans everything you do online (internet & mobile), yes? And that your employers have the right to view everything you send & receive using their networks or devices?

It's a whole different ballgame from diaries & physical letters.

Weeyin, I agree that checking your DC's devices is normal safeguarding. If you hadn't discussed this previously, it looks like a good time to start :)

I think you should have a conversation with him. As the mother of a daughter, it really really bothers me that boys as young as your son use such inappropriate about girls, it shows a lack of respect, and I have very realy concerns that in a few years time a young man who has no respect for the opposite sex will refuse to take 'no' for an answer. If your son were mine, I'd also be raising the issue with the school: if this type of talk is acceptable among you son's peers, I would want to know that the school is intervening with with some targeted sex in the context of a loving relationship lessons, and the essentialness of mutual respect.

First of all he's 12. You accidentally invaded his privacy. My daughter is 16 and she's not allowed to 'be online' unless total honesty both ways, so periodically I read her stuff, just checking for danger posts, she's happy with this and though she can delete stuff if she wants, I have have seen enough 'dodgy' posts from her online friends that she could easily have deleted and hasn't. So I know if she has a problem she will tell me. There was once a post from a boy which I saw and told her to unfriend him, she agreed he was idiot and did.
Your 12 yr old son should not be using language that you describe ( no matter what it rhymes with😞) and you are within your rights as a parent to talk to him about not using these words or agreeing with any of his mates using such language to describe a girl! Such disrespect is how boys learn from an early age to treat women badly.. It's not your fault it's the internet and how boys in particular translate from net to reality!
You should nip in bud now. Sit him down, apologize for seeing something private to him, but explain that using this type of language is unacceptable for him or his mates at their age especially ... And you won't have it. Explain that you trust him with the internet/phone and you will take it away if it happens again. Encourage him to talk to you as to how the convo came about and remind him that it's not cool to 'go with a crowd'. Make light of the fact that he can talk to you anytime about anything that makes him uncomfortable and that you are 'there'. I have 25yr old boy and 16yr girl. So been there done that😃 most of all don't feel embarrassed to tackle it NOW... Then later when he's really into girls he will know what's acceptable and treat em right! Good luck! Open door policy always works best😃

Im lucky my eldest is only 4 almost 5! But at 12 years old calling someone a whore is not acceptable!!!! And i'd have words!!! At 12 years old you should be aloud to check his phone, im pretty sure your the ones who pays for it! In all honest i wish my parents had checked my phone every now and again! Then i might not have done some of the silly stuff i did

Please please talk to him about his behaviour.......if you ignor it then he could end up getting the police knocking on his door!!! Especially if his friend has screan shot it and sent it on to her!!!!

For all those people talking about his privacy.......just imagin if it was your daughter he was saying this about......would you want your daughter stuck in her room crying her eyes out because some immature boy (no offence op!) had called your daughter some nasty names? Even if she did lie its still not cool....

I don't agree with the privacy thing at all. DS is 12 and he is fully aware that I will check his phone at random times for that sort of thing.

A 12 year old is still a child, by not monitoring a phone for inappropriate messages or usage then imo you are not protecting them.

I wouldn't say that I had seen it but just ask to have a look at his phone.

My 12 year old ds knows that this could happen at any point in time so there would be no issue.

Obviously then when I'd seen the offending message there would be big trouble!

I have just asked my Ds (who is 11) what his thoughts are on this. He said that parents should be checking phones and IPad etc to make sure their kids are safe, but he doesn't think there should be a particular age for checking. He said that if he was sending rude messages or swearing or bullying, then I should check for these things. We have lots of conversations about Internet safety and texting/setting, cyber bullying etc.

A parents perspective - a right to privacy where a 12 year old and the Internet is concerned is just an excuse not to parent. You are there to guide, support and advice,your children. This means having conversations about all of the above. No matter how well you have brought your child up, they will always feel some peer pressure to act like other kids, who have not experienced great parenting. For them, using words like whore, may be acceptable, but for the OP, it clearly isn't. You should def have the conversation with him and continue use to check his phone regularly. It's advice that is given out by all bodies such as the police. Ignore,this advice and talk about the privacy of a child and you are failing to parent.

My DS has just offered me his phone to look at. No issues in this house with doing it.

My daughter has just turned 11, and I check her phone regularly and I am very open about this with her. Respecting privacy is all well and good until you child finds themselves in a very vulnerable position, and you are none the wiser. I learnt the hard way... my daughter has had a phone and laptop since she was 9, and as far as I was aware, I had blocked all access to inappropriate sites etc. However, one day, I went to use my daughters laptop, and found reams of inappropriate content being viewed. If I had never checked the laptop I would have been none the wiser, placing my child in possible danger. People may say...oh but i know my child, well I thought I knew mine too. From the conversations that had preceded, it turned out that she had gained the links to the site from other children in school (my daughter attends a very affluent middle/upper class school) which came as an absolute shock. I am all for privacy (she says lol) but at that age, you as a parent have a responsibility to ensure that your children are safe. Every parents values are different, and whilst I wouldn't be too concerned about my child using the occasional bad language with their friends (as I'm not naive enough to believe that she doesn't) I would challenge something that didn't sit right with me.

Having had 2 kids at this age been there done that and there are 2 issues: 1) I agree that your son should not call girls whores but having spent a lot of time around kids this age it's how they talk sadly although not acceptable
2) If you confront him about this and admit to looking at stuff on his phone he will lose any trust/faith he has in you and, depending on the type of relationship you have, may prevent him from discussing/confiding in you in the future. I found out stuff about my dd and despite wanting to jump in both feet first held back and eventually it paid off when stuff got bad but she felt she could come to me. Whilst we may not like the way our kids behave when they are away from use it is how they are together and behave to fit in.

I posted on here last week about the truly awful discovery I made on my daughter's laptop - she's 13. To say I was shocked and bewildered is an understatement.
Not checking what they are up to periodically is not protecting your child as fully as you could and should.

At 12, my kids had mobiles and access to the Internet in the basis that I was able to look at it. It's also about protection, they are children. My ES was glad I did when I spotted a quiz result that had automatically posted on his FB page and contained an image he wouldn't want his friend's parents to see, (fairly tame, but not something he'd post).

OP YANBU. Privacy is not a given at that age for mobile Comms and Internet; it shouldn't be.

I agree with Canyouforgiveher and some of the others.

He's 12. My son is 11, doesn't have a phone, and as far as I know (!) doesn't know that word and has never used it. He doesn't do any social media, it is not necessary for a great life. He can choose to do that when he's older.

I think it is well within bounds to check your 12 year old son's phone. You're paying for the phone, he is living in your house, he's very young, yes he deserves privacy but do we really want to take a complete hands off approach when it comes to phones and social media? Things are different now, these phones are not just phones, they can access all sorts of social media and internet websites...again, he's 12, a child. Even a teen is still very young. What's with all the push on taking every bit of innocence away from children? I don't get it.

I'm in the US, and here, it is advised to allow your children access to a computer in a shared family type room where you can see the screen and supervise screen time and that would apply to a phone that can do all that a computer does. 12 is awfully young to have a phone unless absolutely necessary.

I don't like how children are expected to navigate social media/texting on their own at such a young age for the sake of "privacy." There will be plenty of time for them to be on their own. Allowing them the privacy to call girls whores is not really a noble excuse to beat down a parent for snooping.

Op, continue on being the mother to your son. I would do the same as you. What you're doing is calling parenting. If he were older, what the other posters said would apply, but he's 12.

I've not read many responses but the amount of people who think it's ok to let a 12 year have a phone and unlimited privacy and just get on with it is disturbing.
My son is only very young right now but he will be allowed a phone & access to a family computer under the understanding it will be monitored until he is 16.
12 is just too young to just let kids get on with it!

He is 12. It is your parental responsibility to be looking at his phone, emails, Facebook, whatever. Also yes talk to him about his language but also check that he is okay as his "friend" has shown the girl in question and this could cause problems for him. I hope you sort it all out and he is ok. Xx

I'm not getting all of this 'invasion of privacy' talk. He's 12, very much a minor. He clearly needs a good talking to, and the OP wouldn't have known this without a bit of snooping. This is all of our responsibility, when our children are still minors, and can't vote, can't have sex, can't drive etc. etc. We are there to make sure that they are safe, that they are behaving appropriately, that people are not abusing them or exploiting them and all the rest. You can't hand their lives over to them totally just yet. I would, like OP, feel guilty for snooping - but realistically what he says and does is her responsibility when it comes down to it.... I'd perhaps not directly confront him by saying you've snooped. Maybe even say you heard through social media or something. So that he can understand that his behaviour and language can travel around, and hurt and upset people. I think YANBU for what it's worth

Not checking the online footprint of a 12 year old is pretty slack parenting.

But then again, I remember reading on MN that helping a 9 year old child bathe or dry etc. was tantamount to abuse. I come from a culture keenly aware about sun damage and think that not checking a child for moles, etc. is just nuts - for example.

I check my DD's phone. She's 12 and has been told from day one that I will check up on stuff. No right to privacy as such. I won't comment on anything unless it's a problem.

You need to deal with this and explain that you'll be checking regularly from now on.

Off to check Instagram....

My 11 year old is fully aware that I check her emails, texts etc. It was agreed that she could use Instagram and snapchat on the understanding that I could check her accounts at any time too. I do however think that you could talk to your child without disclosing that you actually read the message but it is normal for teens to name call &. I think if his friend has shown the girl the message he will have had his punishment 😁😁

Absolutely shocked by some of the messages on this thread. The boy is 12 ffs!! I have told my DD (13) that she can have a phone on the condition I can pick it up and view anything I wish at any point - ie with no notice to keep her safe. I do it rarely and have very open conversations with her about what is acceptable in terms of texting, language etc. It's working so far. If your DS was 20 it would of course be entirely different! Presumably OP you are paying for the phone?

To the posts who says its wrong to check through a 12 year olds phone is ridiculous. You know what I would say if anyone questioned me I am the person who pushed him out of my vagina I went through hours of pain. After all of that I can't look at my child's phone to make sure he is safe.

There would be swearing in that as well because my child's safety comes before anyones judgement against me.

Sorry just read some of the later posts after I ranted! Totally agree Peanutbutterrules, mygorgeousmilo, etc!