I snooped but

[weeyin411]

Ok so my sons mobile was on charge I picked it up and checked to see if it was full...but when I clicked his messenger was open and I was nosey. I read it now what do I do. He's talking to a friend who says some girl says she kissed him (my son) which he is saying she's lying now, the problem is the language he was using is not how he's allowed to talk. He's also called her a few names rhymes with bore ....few other things. What's even worse is this friend has screenshot what he said and apparently shown the girl.

AIBU to go mad at him for this? It's what I want to do.

Apologies witchy, I thought that was posted by someone who was throwing those accusations about.

I thought you were talking about a 17yr old. Id hate for a 12yr old to be kissing anyone

Amazed at anyone who think the OP has done anything wrong.

My ds is almost 12 and I sure as shit check his phone and know his passwords. For his own protection! When he's mature enough to be responsible for his own safeguarding, then I won't go near his phone, but until then, I'm gonna be a responsible parent

Posted too early.

...and make sure I know who he's friends with/make sure he has location turned off/make sure he isn't being bullied or bullying or whatever.

No worries Nishky.

The deal for having phones under 16 is that I have complete access to check them whenever I feel it appropriate. They had the choice whether to have the phones or not based on that rule and they all chose to have them. At 12 it isnt invading privacy, its safeguarding.

I check my DSs phone, thought that was standard! The deal is he hands it over when I ask or he doesn't have a phone - my DSs are 13 & 11.

Have a word about the language, tell him your not happy but I doubt anything will change

Is there really any need for people to call others they don't know neglectful parents because of one aspect of their parenting?

Apparently there is Pinky- it's shocking.

Well said pinky

Op discuss it with your son and for God sake don't waver if he throws a strop because you looked at his phone, he is child and needs to be monitored for his own safety.

I'm shocked so many posters think a 12 yr old is mature enough to handle himself online. Of course you check your kids phone, not to is very slack parenting.

Is there really any need for people to call others they don't know neglectful parents because of one aspect of their parenting?

I do think it is neglectful though. If you aren't keeping an eye on your young teen on social media/ texts then you are neglecting to keep an eye on their online safety? What else should people call it?

It doesn't mean anyone thinks she is a neglectful parent full stop, just in this area she is neglecting to make sure they are safe and behaving well on social media. I don't check on my 17 year old anymore but a 12 year old needs guidance online.

His dad is very much in the picture for whoever asked.
And I don't invade his privacy by not knocking on the door and just walking in its a genuine mistake as it's new to me I forget plus his dad's allowed in without knocking.
Ok so it was pretty late when I seen it and tiredness and shock kicked in hence the post.
He knows that I am to know all passwords for what ever he signs up to. He also knows that I have a nosey now and then. This is the only time I have seen him talk like that bar the one bad language from a while ago.
Now the update is that the message was dated at the start of August and it all seemed to of been about some that happened before Christmas as we had moved just after Christmas and he had changed school. So this is all about people from his old school that he doesn't see anymore.

I have talked to him and assured him under no pretence that any talk like that again will result in that xbox never being seen again.

I'm shocked at people who say he should have privacy on his phone. He's 12! I check my kids messages photos and apps for their protection

I check my sons all the time, caught him out in tons of lies. He thinks I'm psychic, lol.

headinthecloud he should have privacy, you should also check the phones - they're different things. The problem is the SNOOPING, not the open discussion and agreement that you look at the phone together to see what's going on. The same as you knock on a closed door.

Privacy is not about not being monitored at all.

Do people not ask to see their child's phone? To check everything's ok? Engage in a conversation of 'any problems, mind if I just have a quick look'? Bloody hell. Yeah be a 'cool parent', see what turns up.

I've just caught up wth your updates OP.

He's 12 so I take back what I said about snooping and trust. And since he has given you his passwords, would expect some kind of intervention if you deem necessary.

It's your role to parent and guide him during his adolescence, which is what you are doing.

He's only 12, you still have the right to keep an eye on what he does online and on his phone. My son is 10 and does not have a phone yet, but when he does, which will be soon, I will be telling him I reserve the right to check his phone, who he talks to, the websites he goes on and text messages. Otherwise, no phone.

Also, that type of language is unacceptable and he needs to be reminded of that.

Does he actually know what a whore is? This is language he needs to understand, if he's using it, to avoid confusion and misunderstanding. Lots of kids this age here words used and use them in a similar context without understanding how negative they are. This could be a conversation you could have totally separate from his text messages...you have heard someone using this language and were shocked and why-leaving him the freedom not to need to feel defensive but to be able to express his own opinions.

I'm sorry but at 12 you should as a parent know what your child is up to. That includes Internet/mobile phones and whereabouts. Most children won't tell the whole true to their parents.

YANBU. You would be if you didn't check his phone. He's 12, not an adult. Lazy parents turn a blind eye and don't check because they don't want to deal with the consequences. He might think twice about calling girls that name if he thinks you can see it. You've done nothing wrong.

Wow! I'm surprised that people don't keep an eye on their 12 year olds social media usage. I have a 12 and a 10 year old who both have phones on the basis that they know I will check from time to time what's happening in their accounts. All their friends mums do too - I know because we sometimes discuss something if we are concerned.

12 year olds deal with things in an immature way, they are naive and immature. Some of the stuff I have seen has required a little adult intervention, even if I havent directly related it to their messages. A little chat about appropriate language etc

I think the moral of the story is that BEFORE giving a young person a phone, explain that until a certain age/stage, that you will be monitoring their phone and everything they post will be seen by an adult as often other parents are monitoring their kids phones too! I think if you then see messages that are inappropriate, you have every right to pick them up on this, as you had already told them you would be reading what they post. I think it also underlines that such young pre teens/early teens really don't have the maturity yet for social media and online messaging. The problem here, was that you had to backtrack and admit to reading messages when you hadn't set the ground rule first.

But - I am interested to know when people do think that privacy becomes important? My 14 and 16 year old boys would be horrified to share their conversations with girlfriends with me and I would not have wanted my parents listening in to mine!