I snooped but

[weeyin411]

Ok so my sons mobile was on charge I picked it up and checked to see if it was full...but when I clicked his messenger was open and I was nosey. I read it now what do I do. He's talking to a friend who says some girl says she kissed him (my son) which he is saying she's lying now, the problem is the language he was using is not how he's allowed to talk. He's also called her a few names rhymes with bore ....few other things. What's even worse is this friend has screenshot what he said and apparently shown the girl.

AIBU to go mad at him for this? It's what I want to do.

My DD is 11, I have told her without discussion that until her DF and I think it's appropriate we will check her phone randomly. It is our property as we pay for it and more importantly we are her parents and she is our responsibility! I do not feel children of 11/12/13/14 are worldly enough to have free reign without some guidance, things can be posted and regretted in the future. You did the right thing OP!

my son is ten, when he has a phone (he's angling for one), I will definitely be looking at it and on his facebook when he is 12.
It's ur responsibility as his parent to make sure hes not getting himself in difficult online situations. You read things all the time about young girls sending pictures of themselves etc (i honestly dread to think what id have been doing in my early teens had i a phone and the internet)!
I would be having words about respect towards women , my son would be strung up for using words like that. I'm not judging ur son, boys (and girls) copy th language their friends use to fit in. He may be cross initially with you, but maybe he's out of his depth and could do with ur opinion / guidance.
Good luck x

I think it's fine to look at a 12 year old's phone if you've told them that you doing so is a condition of them having the phone. That isn't snooping, and it isn't unreasonable at that age. Looking at a phone that your son thought was private, however, is a breach of privacy, and no less important because he's 12. Young people that age are learning about code-switching and that how you speak and write to a friend is different to how you would to your mother!

I was a little older than that when I found that my parents had bugged our landline (family drama thing that I won't get into) and even though it was nothing to do with monitoring me I felt betrayed and embarrassed that conversations I thought to be private weren't. There are things I'd discuss with that expectation of privacy that I wouldn't bring up with adults present or knowingly listening in - it's essentially the same distinction as using a phone that you know your parents are checking on versus using one you believe to be private.

In your situation I wouldn't say anything to your son about what you read, but I would wait a week or so and have a more general discussion about the issues it's brought up.

Omg. The child is 12 not 32. You looked in his phone and I totally would be doing the same. I actually cannot believe the amount of people saying the OP is wrong.

I would probably say "you need to watch what your saying to your mates on that phone (that I pay for) because some of the stuff I saw wasn't very nice" and leave it at that. At 12 my child would need to know I would be checking his phone and emails and search history online.

Snooping though private things in his room. NO.
Snooping online/phone/social media. YES.

Kids have been cyber bullied and commuted suicide because of it. My child will need to deal with that and act accordingly

Tell him the moment he sends photos, messages etc he loses control of who sees them and where they go. (It's up to you whether you tell him you looked at his mobile but personally I probably would.) Either way, drum home the message and try to keep that conversation open. You could also address the way he describes girls.

I told my dd and ds (now teens) to imagine anyone could see what they post and they took this to heart and have been very careful. I've also tried to teach them to respect everyone and not to use sexist language and its definitely paid off. Young teenagers are very easily led and I've seen how quickly things have spun out of control amongst their friends so really recommend this approach. In some ways I think teenagers need as much care and interaction as small children - its just that they are less pleased to receive it!

How on earth are we supposed to protect our young teens from cyber bullying/ internet predators/ pornography/ sexual harrassment and abuse if we are not allowed to check their mobile phones/ social media accounts? This is not reading a private diary! To me it is only responsible to regularly check the mobile phones/ texts/ social media accounts of a 12 year old.

I certainly will be! I have a young carer who recently enlightened me to the way that Snapchat for one is being used. She told me that every morning she, her sister and all of their friends have to swipe through between five and ten 'dick pics' to be able to message their own friends. She finds it disgusting but said that they are so used to it that its become normal now. I would certainly want to know if my teenage son was harassing young women like this. Can any of you imagine having to wake up to multiple erect penis images before you have even had breakfast. Let alone having to go through that as a teenager.

Op you had every right to check! I would confront my son and force him to apologise to the young woman he slandered. I would also be confiscating his mobile and shutting down his social media accountuntil he shows he can be trusted to treat others online with respect. He might hate you for it but I honestly would not care if it were me. It just means you are doing your job!

For goodness sake, you as a parent have every right to monitor your 12 year olds actions even on a phone. Who pays for it, who gave it to him? If there is any problem who will have to sort it out. Get real. Tell your son you will look in his phone now and again and he will have to give you access if he has a lock on it, or the phone goes . Give him the choice -he wants the use of a mobile then he has to show he will use it sensibly and appropriately. He is a child!!!!

Some of these comments are absolutely ridiculous. A 12 year old is a child. It is our duty as parents to ensure that our children are safe and not doing things that will get them in trouble. I wonder what stance some of these PP's would take towards a mother whose child had been groomed because she had to 'respect his privacy' and hadn't monitored phones etc?? You have every right to check his phone. Unfortunately it probably isn't a good idea to confront him about it because he will become secretive and lose trust in you, which is ultimately counterproductive. If I were you I would just check it every now and then and keep an eye on him xx

It's no bloody wonder I spend half my time at work dealing with cyber bullying issues when people think a parent should not be looking at their 12 year old's phone. I despair.

As a teen I remember my mother and father had every right to check my messages. However I think your missing the critical point..... The way your son perceives women/girls in general. It's a learning curve were you are able to talk and show him how women must be treated(with respect and care). Lots to teach him and all great mummy's and daddy's who care go through there teenagers phones/laptops/iPads! Without any guilt as its a sign of love and trust for him to know your always there and as a reminder that you are there to make sure he doesn't do the wrong thing!

YABU from a teens POV if my dad did that I would never trust him again I'd become distant and unhappy with him. And tbh I'd just find another way to hide it like change my pw etc

• if I was you I'd just leave it and if he gets in trouble then you have something to worry about if not then there isn't a problem anyway

No YANBU. A 12 year old is vulnerable and will believe anything. This how groomers and bullies can do what they do. My SIL is a police officer in child protection and advised me to check all messages, Internet history you so that I can spot and STOP anything going to far. Average gay Guy, Annieonamapleleaf, pinky of pie and all the other YABU crowd, a parents job is to protect their children. How can you protect them when you don't know what's happening? Teenagers think they are safe behind a screen. They are not and they need help.

Lace456 if my kids didn't accept that I was able to look at their phone at any time, they could be as angry and as distant as they liked because if they changed the passwords, they wouldn't have a phone or access to the internet. As their parent, it isn't about my rights, it is about my duty to protect them. Whilst I prefer it if my child understands that I am acting in their own interests, if they don't that is just tough but they will understand one day. Having said that, I have prepared them from a young age that I really want them to have fun so if I have to say no to something it is because I want to keep them safe. OP, your boy was probably using bravado with his mate which is quite common at this age. Just recently my son inadvertently sent me a video he had made which I was quite shocked by even though it was done in humour. At 15, with all the education he has had about keeping a 'clean' profile, I was stunned that he should be so stupid. The trouble with teens is they just get carried away sometimes and forget to use their brains.

YABU and treading on v dangerous ground. Do this, this time and you will have lost trust which will weigh heavily on next few teenager years. If he was out and about, how do you think they talk then. All you can do is rest assured they grow out of a lot over time and if he's polite when you are there and at school you are half way home

Agree that kids phones should be monitored but you have to warn them in advance and say that it is part of the deal if they want a phone. If that wasn't made clear, YABVU. Yes, maybe he will get into trouble and you will worry about this happening but let things take their course. If he calls a girl a whore and gets a bollocking for it, it will be far more effective coming from a teacher or the girls parents or from other kids than from you. At age 12 he is not going to get done for a serious crime FFS, so stop worrying and let him take his punishment if it happens.

Really cannot believe posters on here who think checking 12 year old's phone "invading their privacy". If more people did take parental responsibility there would probably be far less name calling and nastiness around, and that's before I get started on the risks from strangers etc. As far as I am concerned whilst I pay the phone and internet bill all gadgets on loan to dc so long as sensible behaviour prevails. It should be made clear from day one that messages / search history etc can be checked. You don't leave house front door wide open and tell your child they can invite absolutely anyone into the house at any time do you ? No different. Re not liking language used , wouldn't go ape , just re iterate everything online can be kept forever and that therefore his words might come back to bite him later in life. 12 year olds need support with phones / internet - powerful weapons in wrong hands.

I have just done similar with my 10 year old. Was I wrong? This was a gaming message thing and I actually think it's important to keep an eye on online stuff.

I occasionally check my dc's internet history and they know that periodically I might do this. I think 12 is still quite young and I'd be concerned about his language.

My DD's are pre- school and baby so I have no experience with this but I think I'll do the same as a few other pp's and have a deal that social media is allowed but mum and dad must know passwords and will spot check regularly! When they start getting a bit older this could be reassessed once I feel I can trust them.

Ok, so, it's a lesson first, when I finally allowed my son a phone and Facebook (at age 14 but also - he's special needs so I'm aware this is delayed compared to the usual 12 required age for Facebook etc) one of the first things I said was that he was only allowed these things because I would periodically check his private messages.

With him I have nothing to worry about but I wanted it clear that he is a child and it's my job to check he is safe and that he is behaving. Should he behave badly I can easily remove internet access and also decide to not pay for his phone to work anymore.

If this child isn't your only child, bear this in mind when the next one gets a phone.

I do think you should bear all cards on the table. Including an apology. If you didn't start off when you handed him a phone with a conversation like I did then the message checking is a surprise. But, it IS recommended (here in the UK - no clue about USA or elsewhere) that parents DO check messages.

Good Luck

He's 12. My kids know I pay for the phone. It is mine. The condition of me letting them use it is I can check it whenever I want. I do so at random. I want to check they are safe, and that they are not causing distress to others. There are times I let things slide, and others I tackle head on. We've all heard of young teens being prosecuted for sexting. Teens misuse the Internet. It's my job as a responsible parent to make sure my DSs stay well clear.

Pontynan. Age of criminal responsibility is 10 so at 12 he could get done if he was sexting ie sending pics of another u18 year old's privates. Sexual offence on your record before you do GCSEs serious in my book tho caveat might avoid entry on sex offender's register. And the definitely are prosecuting this as making and sharing indecent images.

I haven't read the whole thread. But when I first read it, I couldn't believe you were nosing at his messages. But...you didn't say an age, I was assuming a 16/17 year old. When I saw he was 12 I felt differently. He's a child and I'd have probably done the same. My oldest son was around 12 (he's 15 now) and I read a group iMessage he was in on, he was really getting bullied by a large group of boys, his younger brother was invited in on the conversation and had left his phone on the table, it kept buzzing so I read it. I intervened, I messaged that I had just read the conversation, told them they should be ashamed of themselves, especially a few older boys, they didn't believe it was me, they thought my son was pretending to be me. So I texted all the parents of the children involved. My son soon got apologies from the boys involved. So I am pleased I read that conversation. My middle son is 12 now, I'd read his conversations if I wanted to. He knows I would. Not quite sure I'd read the 15 year olds conversations though. But 12 is different. Mind you...I get a text or a whatsapp and they'll read mine!

This is crazy! My children know that, at any time, I may pick up and check their phones / tablets etc. It's called SAFEGUARDING!
If they want to talk to friends on the phone, or face to face in private then fine but when it comes to phones and Internet, it's all transparent.
In a world where everything is screenshot, saved, catalogued and passed round for the world to see, do you really expect that your child will not make mistakes that 20 years ago would not have mattered and would have been forgotten in a heartbeat?
YANBU to have that conversation with your son.
Good luck and he will be a better person for it. X