Am I being the evil EX here?

[OneTreeHill]

Name changed as this is very identifying.

XH and I split 11 years ago, both remarried, both have other children but we have a DD (14) together.

We haven't spoken face to face in years not because we hate each other but because we just don't have to. So decent but kind of cold relationship, we're like 2 strangers raising a child together.

XH pays the minimum CM that he has to pay, which is £170 a month for DD and has been doing so for years, although actually getting the payment was such a hassle. He hasn't missed a single payment since he started paying about 8 years ago.

This Christmas DD is all set to go away on a ski holiday with the school, the cost was around £700 pounds, XH has another DD with his wife who has just decided that she wants to go away on a geography trip with her school over February Half Term, the deadline for full payment is Mid October.

XH emailed this afternoon saying what a wonderful experience this would be for his DD2 and that they currently can't afford to send her as he's paying me £170 a month, so would I forgo payments for 2 months so that like her older sister, his DD2 can go on a school trip as well.

First of all, he's not paying me £170 a month, it's for his daughter and secondly what??

To me it reads as if he wants to stop financially supporting his eldest for 2 months, so his other child can go on a trip?

I know some of you will say it's only 2 months but that £170 is DDs travel money, after school activities, weekend spending, a small portion goes into her savings.

But as he's written it, if I say no, his DD2 misses out? Surely that's not my problem or Am I just being unreasonable

Anyway, OP, have you responded to him yet?

Arerather maybe if the father told his younger child 'darling your half sisters mum saved for that holiday I'm not paying for it, and your mum hasn't bothered saving up for a holiday for you so you can't go' then that would be an 'equal' type reponse. Then his younger child could resent her mother instead of her half sister.

it is indeed the child who is missing out.

No more so than anyone else in her class who is not going on the trip because their parents can't afford it. And it's not the OP's responsibility to deal with it anyway.

I was undecided until I saw that he hadn't paid any of the £700. . No!!!!!

It's kind of on a par with the OP asking him to double his monthly maintenance so that she could send her subsequent child with her new partner on a school trip. That would also be considered outrageous.

Clam, you must have missed my update, I alread replied, no reply back though, but the amount of No's in the email should have got the point across

I'd say 'no', OP. Purely on the basis that it took a while to get the payments established and you don't want to set a precedent of this. They will find the money if they want to - it doesn't come out of what he pays for your/his daughter.

Woah! First time I read the Op I thought he had paid half the cost of the trip! No, he doesn't get to stop supporting one child so he can treat another, it doesn't work that way!

I missed it as well - glad you said 'no!'

Sorry, must have missed it.
Would like to be a fly in the wall in their house right now.

I do understand Are's argument, DD has 3 adults financially contributing to her life, whilst her DSis has technically less then 2 adult wages as although it's a small amount XH does still pay for things in DD's life.

An adult could understand and accept things, all a pre teen will see is that elder sister gets to do more things then she does.

The normal thing would have been to sit her down and talk to her about it

And perhaps add that he didn't bloody contribute to the trip, I had to save up for ages for that and DH is the one buying all the equipment she'll need.

How much time does dd1 spend with exH and his new family?

He can't pay one child's ski holiday with another child's food and housing money. It would also create a precedent, he'll be back to take bites out of an already meagre £170 allowance to house and feed his dd for who knows what.

He might as well ask his energy supplier not to pay for two months or maybe his landlord or mortgage provider, none of them are more important than dd1.

ATruth, He has DD for 6 days a month, 2 weekends and one day a week for the week that she won't be staying over the weekend.

Wow that's incredibly cheeky of your ex husband.
My husband would never do that unless it was an absolute emergency and so far thankfully he's never had to and hopefully never will.
He shall have to find the money elsewhere then but that's his issue I'm afraid not your daughters.

I agree with RepentAtLeisure 's comment.
YANBU !! XP is being outrageous. Put your CMS claim in now and if he doesn't pay, they will make him."catch up". CMS will work put how much he ought be paying now. I suspect it will be more. With one DD it will be 15% of his wages which are likely to have hone up in last 9 years.

Just as an aside-is child maintenance 15% of the parent's take home wage?

Is it 30% for two children etc etc?

No, it is less. Might be 20% and 25% being max no matter how many dc.

It is 15% for one child, 20% for 2 and 25% for 3. I think thats take home after tax and nat ins. But not sure if they exclude pension contributions. Its based on wage slips / p60s so includes benefits/ stockshare perks in last year.

Sorry 25% for 3 or more...

No, those figures are incorrect now - the percentages were reduced by the Tories. 11% for one child, 16% for two. Plus plenty of ways to reduce your income still further, like putting 25% of your income into your pension - don't get me started!

I really feel for OP as XP is trying to guilt her, but its all about Poor Him. Err... he is DD's parent too and CMS payment are the minimum he should be paying to support his DD. He chose to have another DD and she has 2 parents too. . CMS doesnt cover school trips etc. and he knows that. It's lovely & lucky that OP and her new DP have scrimped & saved up to send DD on a £700 school trip What has that got to do with XP & his minimal child support to HIS first DD? Or his new DD2? He didn't contribute!

Thanks kittybiscuits, for update. That's terrible! Shocking.

It's really bad. On the other hand they look at HMRC records annually to confirm information provided and they just tell the NRP what to pay. So you don't have to ask anything. There is a calculator on the website so you can put in his information and guess his salary and estimate whether you will be better off. £170 per month is very low.