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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being the evil EX here?

191 replies

OneTreeHill · 28/08/2016 21:22

Name changed as this is very identifying.

XH and I split 11 years ago, both remarried, both have other children but we have a DD (14) together.

We haven't spoken face to face in years not because we hate each other but because we just don't have to. So decent but kind of cold relationship, we're like 2 strangers raising a child together.

XH pays the minimum CM that he has to pay, which is £170 a month for DD and has been doing so for years, although actually getting the payment was such a hassle. He hasn't missed a single payment since he started paying about 8 years ago.

This Christmas DD is all set to go away on a ski holiday with the school, the cost was around £700 pounds, XH has another DD with his wife who has just decided that she wants to go away on a geography trip with her school over February Half Term, the deadline for full payment is Mid October.

XH emailed this afternoon saying what a wonderful experience this would be for his DD2 and that they currently can't afford to send her as he's paying me £170 a month, so would I forgo payments for 2 months so that like her older sister, his DD2 can go on a school trip as well. Hmm

First of all, he's not paying me £170 a month, it's for his daughter and secondly what??

To me it reads as if he wants to stop financially supporting his eldest for 2 months, so his other child can go on a trip?

I know some of you will say it's only 2 months but that £170 is DDs travel money, after school activities, weekend spending, a small portion goes into her savings.

But as he's written it, if I say no, his DD2 misses out? Surely that's not my problem or Am I just being unreasonable

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/08/2016 23:21

Tell him no. Cheeky fuck.

Sad for DD2 that she might not go, but that is for parents to deal with. Not on for your DD to miss out on what she needs.

Dizzybintess · 28/08/2016 23:22

Cheeky bugger x defo tell him to jog on!
My hubbys mum got divorced when hubby was 7. The CSA granted her the house to live in but she had to still pay the mortgage and his CSA payments were £1 a week for 2 boys. This was the late 80s but how on earth he got away with it I have no idea. Thank god my hubbys Nan helped out As they were practically going to school in rags. He remarried and they are not lacking in funds.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/08/2016 23:25

My sister only got 5 pound a week from her son's dad and he stopped speaking to the boy for years. That's how petty about money people can be. Thank god my nephew has a stepdad who cares about him, more than his own dad ever has.

PlumDogMillionaire · 28/08/2016 23:26

Ahhh this is just so shitty of him! Even if he was paying for DD2's trip and still paying the £170 this would still be SO SO unfair on your DD as he wouldn't be treating them equally.

I hope your DD is not affected by his skewed vision of what is fair. Lucky she has a fab mum who makes sacrifices to give her opportunities.

Madeupforthis · 28/08/2016 23:37

So he's taking money from your DD to pay for his other DD?

He has paid bugger all to your daughters field trip and is now expecting her to go short to pay for his other daughters field trip... what an arse hole!

Don't go easy on this bastard, please!

Madeupforthis · 28/08/2016 23:39

His other DD is nothing to do with you financially either. Don't feel guilty.

Madeupforthis · 28/08/2016 23:44

He must feel really shitty seeing one of his daughters have opportunities and not the other one.

That's a shame for him. Nothing to do with OP or her DD - who would miss out in this wonderful scenario he has suggested - one that benefits only him and his DW.

clam · 28/08/2016 23:48

Well, it sounds as though it's no thanks to him that his first dd has those opportunities. He didn't contribute and his paltry £170 a month doesn't go far. Bet he pays far more towards the upkeep of his second dd.

FuturesAChanging · 28/08/2016 23:50

Id be asking if he was going to contribute 50% of your daughters trip and also getting his maintainence payments reviewed.

notapizzaeater · 28/08/2016 23:54

So no one thinks YABU !! He's a. Cheeky bugger ....

April229 · 28/08/2016 23:55

Tell him if he doesn't make the usual payment your DD can't go on his £700 trip?

wheresthel1ght · 28/08/2016 23:55

As a step mum and parent YADNBU!!!

Your ex is a cunt!

He cannot refuse to pay maintenance, would he not pay his rent/mortgage so she could go?

It's not an easy lesson but not all families can afford to do everything. Dss came home with a ski trip costing £1600 I posted a long time ago we had to tell him he couldn't go. We cannot afford it. We cannot afford to do it for dsd and we certainly don't be able to afford it for dd either. It sucks because he wants to go but sometimes life isnt fair. To afford it dd would have to stop her ballet lessons that she loves, no one would be able to have more than a token gift for Christmas and birthdays and we felt it wasn't fair that the other kids had to sacrifice just so he could go on a jolly.

It is not your job to find his other child

Original poster
OneTreeHill · 28/08/2016 23:55

Their's no way I'm agreeing to this, we haven't had a CM review in 5 years, ever since DD was 9, so it's about time for one anyway.

So my reply will be something along the lines of NO NO NO and by the way we're due for a CM review, I'll get right on it.

But slightly less angry and more formal.

He's a twat of the highest order when it comes to money. He's slightly decent in other circumstances

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 29/08/2016 00:05

The thing is, if the OP says that he didnt contribute to the skiing trip then he will claim that he paid half, via his paltry CM. He wont consider that if that was indeed the case, then who the hell was funding her food, clothes, housing etc. Men like that will always twist things to suit themselves.

KittensWithWeapons · 29/08/2016 00:10

YAsoNBU! Yes, it's a shame for his dd2 if she misses out on the trip. I missed out on a class trip to Spain when I was 15 because my parents just couldn't afford it. Was crap for me, all the rest of my class went, but that's life.

It would be extremely shitty of him to withhold money from his DD1, to send DD2 on a trip. School trips are great, but by no means essential. I got over not going on mine.

And he's certainly no saint for forking over £40 a week. That's just being a parent. My BIL pays twice that a week for each of his two children, as well as paying for their extracurriculars and the mortgage on their home (because his ex-wife can't work due to health reasons). I'm glad he does, but I won't pretend that he's a benevolent saint for doing so. He's doing his job as a parent.

2kids2dogsnosense · 29/08/2016 00:11

What a cheek! hasn't contributed to DD!'s trip but expects you to help pay for DD2? Tell him to stick it?

And it may be worth seeing if you can get his payments increased, as others have suggested.

somekindofmother · 29/08/2016 01:08

jeez... the cheek of him!

Rainbowqueeen · 29/08/2016 04:35

Why is it always that these men say they cant afford something they would like due to the maintenance that they are paying for their children???

Why is it never "I can't afford it because I buy a coffee every day/ get takeaway on Friday nights/ spend lots on my hobby etc"

He cant afford it because of his whole budget not just what he pays for your DD, its just to cut out the maintenance payment will not have the same impact on his life that having to rejig his other expenses to try to save the money would.

You could always suggest that he sends you a list of his current expenses and you will work out what else he could cut to save the necessary funds.

WatchingFromTheWings · 29/08/2016 04:56

No way! Your daughter still needs to eat etc. Don't let him reduce by so much as a penny!

ChatterNatterer · 29/08/2016 05:03

Wonder if he thinks he can write to British Gas or his mortgage company and guilt trip them into letting him off paying what is due!

What a cheeky arse!

No way would I agree and I would ask for a maintenance review too!!

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 29/08/2016 06:29

I know it's not the OP's problem.
In fact thinking about it, if my ex came to me asking if he could miss a couple of months maintenance in order to pay for his daughter's school trip or absolutely anything else regarding his daughter, I would tell him that she's it's not my problem to sort out.

scarednoob · 29/08/2016 06:58

Sounds like you'd be setting a dangerous precedent to me, OP. He shouldn't have asked in the first place, he's put you in a horrible position.

rainbowstardrops · 29/08/2016 07:12

Tell him to sod right off!!! Cheeky fecker!
His other DD is not your responsibility at all. Especially as he didn't pay a penny to your DDs school trip.
Tell him to fuck off Angry

Amalfimamma · 29/08/2016 07:41

Dear EXH

I feel terrible for you dd so let's come to an agreement.while Dd can't actually afford to lose 2 months CM, £340, I would be willing to forgo the 50% of her school trip which you owe me to meet you half way. So I paid £700 for DD trip, 50% is £350. Give the tenner to your dd as spending money. "

Then contact the CSA without actually t3lling hi and effectively giving him a heads up to hide what he can.

One word for exh. Cunt. With a capital C

Amalfimamma · 29/08/2016 07:42

*without actually telling him

Bloody tablet.

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