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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being the evil EX here?

191 replies

OneTreeHill · 28/08/2016 21:22

Name changed as this is very identifying.

XH and I split 11 years ago, both remarried, both have other children but we have a DD (14) together.

We haven't spoken face to face in years not because we hate each other but because we just don't have to. So decent but kind of cold relationship, we're like 2 strangers raising a child together.

XH pays the minimum CM that he has to pay, which is £170 a month for DD and has been doing so for years, although actually getting the payment was such a hassle. He hasn't missed a single payment since he started paying about 8 years ago.

This Christmas DD is all set to go away on a ski holiday with the school, the cost was around £700 pounds, XH has another DD with his wife who has just decided that she wants to go away on a geography trip with her school over February Half Term, the deadline for full payment is Mid October.

XH emailed this afternoon saying what a wonderful experience this would be for his DD2 and that they currently can't afford to send her as he's paying me £170 a month, so would I forgo payments for 2 months so that like her older sister, his DD2 can go on a school trip as well. Hmm

First of all, he's not paying me £170 a month, it's for his daughter and secondly what??

To me it reads as if he wants to stop financially supporting his eldest for 2 months, so his other child can go on a trip?

I know some of you will say it's only 2 months but that £170 is DDs travel money, after school activities, weekend spending, a small portion goes into her savings.

But as he's written it, if I say no, his DD2 misses out? Surely that's not my problem or Am I just being unreasonable

OP posts:
DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 29/08/2016 07:44

Just no. He doesn't get to not look after his DD for two months for any reason - it's not like he didn't know he had a DD before he decided to make another. Don't feel guilty £170 is the LEAST he can do.

sofato5miles · 29/08/2016 07:51

'I am sorry, but seeing as I already subsidise the difference between your maintenence and the real cost or raising our daughter each and every month, i cannot afford to subsidise your other family.'

meladeso · 29/08/2016 07:54

Sofato5miles

Grin
rainbowstardrops · 29/08/2016 08:04

Excellent sofa! Blunt and to the point!

LottieL · 29/08/2016 08:18

Let us know how you get on once you reply.

JudyCoolibar · 29/08/2016 08:26

It sounds as if ex's wife doesn't work? If so, there's an obvious answer to his financial problems staring him in the face.

UnicornPee · 29/08/2016 08:27

A definte HELL NO from me.
Because basically it would be like you paying for his other kid to go away.
Sounds like a guilt trip to me most likely geared by the new partner.
Defo say no!

MidniteScribbler · 29/08/2016 08:39

So you want me to subsidise YOUR daughter's trip, when you're not even willing to contribute to OUR daughter's trip?

kittybiscuits · 29/08/2016 08:48

Everyone saying 'it's your daughter's money so he should ask her' what absolute bollocks. 'I cannot help you with your household expenses. I will ask CMS to review your income as you have paid such a small amount of maintenance for so long it's time it was reviewed'. Asshole. Grrrr

clare2307 · 29/08/2016 09:03

£170 a month is a drop in the ocean when it comes to the cost of raising a child. Definitely do not agree to this!

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 09:14

I agree with the poster who suggested breaking down your expenses and sending a simple summary to him. He has chosen to have two families; the CMS has reduced his financial burden accordingly so that he pays nowhere near 50% of what it actually costs to raise his first child. It is outrageous for him to expect you to subsidise him further so that his other family can have luxuries.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 29/08/2016 09:16

What Sofa said but change "cannot afford to" to just "will not" whether you can afford to or not is irrelevant, I wouldn't do it even if I had millions in the bank

EllyMayClampett · 29/08/2016 09:23

You are not being unreasonable in any way. He is being selfish and emotionally manipulative. If he dips into your child's maintenance because he and the new partner cannot budget, where will it end?

Do not agree to this.

FrancisCrawford · 29/08/2016 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 29/08/2016 10:15

It sounds as if ex's wife doesn't work? If so, there's an obvious answer to his financial problems staring him in the face.

If that's the case and she gets a job, I don't think she should subsidise any trips etc for the OP's DD. The dad should pay towards both girls' trips but both the OP and her ex's DW should focus on their own children. That sounds very fair to me.

sleeponeday · 29/08/2016 10:27

I'd reply that since he is so keen to treat both girls alike you will gladly forgo the two months maintenance as soon as he pays you the £700 you spent on his eldest girl's school trip. That way, he is treating both his daughters the same... provided he also spends no more than £170 a month on his youngest, of course.

And then I would contact CMS and get a review.

It's horrible for your child, that he regards her as someone he doesn't have to consider in this way.

YANBU and your ex is a prick.

limon · 29/08/2016 10:30

Good grief no! What a knob jockey he is for askin! Surely he can get a short term loan for his dds trip.

rockyroad3 · 29/08/2016 10:48

He must feel really shitty seeing one of his daughters have opportunities and not the other one.

But he isn't contributing towards dd1's "opportunities". £170 pm wouldn't even feed my 14 year old, let alone expensive school trips.

OP the fact he used emotional blackmail regarding your dd is what really riles me. Definitely get onto the CSA. It really makes me mad when men have more children then claim not to be able to support the first.

kittybiscuits · 29/08/2016 10:57

Unless he has provided OP with an annual P60 which confirms he has not had a penny of pay increase for 5 years, he ought to feel shitty about £170 and thoroughly ashamed of asking the OP to pay for the school trip of someone else's child.

rollonthesummer · 29/08/2016 11:24

What have you replied?

GoblinLittleOwl · 29/08/2016 11:49

£170 per month! £2040 a YEAR!!!
NO.
But it doesn't bode well for the future.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 29/08/2016 11:54

I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that no he can't do that. I would also advise him that you will be containing CSA or whoever it is that you will be looking for a review of his contributions.

Original poster
OneTreeHill · 29/08/2016 12:30

Sorry for disappearing, I pretty much replied with what ADish and AyeAmarok wrote 'is he actually asking me to pay for his child's trip? heck no, if he wants to keep things fair can I have the £350 he should have paid for DD1's trip and that I shall be filling the paperwork for a review on the CM he pays, just much more formal.

I doubt he'll even reply.

His DW does work, but part time I believe.

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 29/08/2016 12:32

Feeling my first MN love after 5 years on here! . OP, do not absolve this man of his insulting responsibilities.

Cocochoco · 29/08/2016 12:34

unbelievable! Your dd's maintenance is nothing to do with dd2's holiday.

I'm a stepmum, by the way.