Am I being the evil EX here?

[OneTreeHill]

Name changed as this is very identifying.

XH and I split 11 years ago, both remarried, both have other children but we have a DD (14) together.

We haven't spoken face to face in years not because we hate each other but because we just don't have to. So decent but kind of cold relationship, we're like 2 strangers raising a child together.

XH pays the minimum CM that he has to pay, which is £170 a month for DD and has been doing so for years, although actually getting the payment was such a hassle. He hasn't missed a single payment since he started paying about 8 years ago.

This Christmas DD is all set to go away on a ski holiday with the school, the cost was around £700 pounds, XH has another DD with his wife who has just decided that she wants to go away on a geography trip with her school over February Half Term, the deadline for full payment is Mid October.

XH emailed this afternoon saying what a wonderful experience this would be for his DD2 and that they currently can't afford to send her as he's paying me £170 a month, so would I forgo payments for 2 months so that like her older sister, his DD2 can go on a school trip as well.

First of all, he's not paying me £170 a month, it's for his daughter and secondly what??

To me it reads as if he wants to stop financially supporting his eldest for 2 months, so his other child can go on a trip?

I know some of you will say it's only 2 months but that £170 is DDs travel money, after school activities, weekend spending, a small portion goes into her savings.

But as he's written it, if I say no, his DD2 misses out? Surely that's not my problem or Am I just being unreasonable

From the other side of the coin...

I have a male friend, who split up with his ex wife when their 2dc were very young. They have both since remarried and had more children. The people who are most missing out are his new wife and their child. His first children live the high life, activities, holidays etc because they have 2 people fully supporting them plus his maintenance. Their child has 2 people supporting them minus the maintenance. The maintenance payments are what would have been his new families disposable income, no holidays or activities for her. I can see the unfairness of it, and understand why he asked the question.

Be careful OP with regards to the review, I'm pretty sure payment goes down once the child turns 12 so you may wind up getting less than you are now. As far as your question, you are of course not being unreasonable! He's a dick and I'm glad you said no! How dare he try to guilt you! "Can I not pay you for my first child so my second child can have more?" What a bastard!

It isn't 'can I not pay for my first child so my second child can have more, it's 'can I temporaririly pay less for my first child, so my second child can have equal' .

arethereanyleftatall you cannot be serious????

Nope I wouldn't agree to missing child support payments.

Arethere, the children both deserve financial support from their parents, just because male friend has left his first marriage, doesn't absolve him of financial responsibility towards his children from previous relationship.

CMS contributions do not even touch the sides of the financial responsibility of bringing up children, I've just finished school shopping and the CMS payments haven't paid even half the cost.

CMS payments do go down if the NRP has more children and if they have the child for more nights.

If I only decided to match ex's CMS contributions towards my children they'd starve.

arethereanyleftatall

Would you like someone to explain to you why what you have just written there about his situation being "unfair" is nonsense?

And OP your ex chose to have more children, it's entirely his business how he finically supports those children they are not your responsibility.

I would not agree.

My response would be no, I expect the payment as normal.

Hundreds of posters on this thread are already putting across the pov from the ops side, I'm just trying to point out from the 'new' child's pov, I can 100% see why she would be feeling that life isn't very fair for her compared to her half sister.

Arethereany, I am a part of that struggling family you speak of. My gorgeous stepsons go on holiday abroad 3 times a year, while we struggle and have never had a holiday. Our children get less per month from us than his boys do, but we chose to have our children and they ridiculously loved and they are happy! I do not even remotely resent his first born boys for any of it, nor his ex and I would have absolutely zero respect for my partner had he ever even considered asking not to pay for his eldest 2!

Fraggle CMS payments do t go down when children turn 12, they go down if the NRP has them for more nights or has more children.

They stop once child leaves full time education I believe.

Thank you for the correction fuzzy. Nothing to worry about then** op

So he didn't contribute to the cost of the trip for the child you share but he wants YOU to contribute to the cost of a trip for his child? Never has my flabber been quite so gasted! Tell him to bugger off, cheeky sod!

That sounds lovely fraggle, and I'm pleased you are happy.
as an adult, you can appreciate that life is what it is.
Not so easy for a child.

Not so easy for a child

That's not the op's fault or responsibility though are.

Absolutely not cold, you're right.
Just trying to present another view, as all the preceding posts were unanimous.

So you're "alternative view" is to say that if people have children they can't afford to give the same lifestyle to as someone else can, they should ask those other people to pay for it for them?

My childhood best friend's parents were millionaires. Should they have also paid for me to go on all the ski trips they sent their DC on, because my parents couldn't afford to send me once they'd had my little brother and sister?

Ahhh, bangsheadagainstwall.

I'll repeat, again.

I am saying, from the child's pov (who wasn't responsible for any choices made), it isn't very difficult to understand why she might be feeling aggrieved.

No, it isn't ops fault or problem, yes it is the fathers fault and responsibility, but it is indeed the child who is missing out.

it isn't very difficult to understand why she might be feeling aggrieved.

Then maybe her father needs to explain to her that his older daughter is going away on holiday because her mother saved up for it, and that he didn't contribute. There's no more justification for her to be feeling aggrieved than she might be if a random friend from school was going on a similar holiday.

Of course there is. She's her half-sister, not a random friend.

The father didn't pay a penny for the holiday! The half-sister bit is therefore irrelevant.

arethereany Your point might be more valid if the father in this scenario had contributed to his DD's trip.

See, this would piss me off: they currently can't afford to send her as he's paying me £170 a month.
He might as well say, "they can't afford to send her as he's paying £xx a month on the mortgage, or his car loan," or whatever else. Why is his maintenance considered a luxury that has to go?

I rather suspect it's relevant for her.

Then, as I said, it's the ex's job to explain it to her.