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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being the evil EX here?

191 replies

OneTreeHill · 28/08/2016 21:22

Name changed as this is very identifying.

XH and I split 11 years ago, both remarried, both have other children but we have a DD (14) together.

We haven't spoken face to face in years not because we hate each other but because we just don't have to. So decent but kind of cold relationship, we're like 2 strangers raising a child together.

XH pays the minimum CM that he has to pay, which is £170 a month for DD and has been doing so for years, although actually getting the payment was such a hassle. He hasn't missed a single payment since he started paying about 8 years ago.

This Christmas DD is all set to go away on a ski holiday with the school, the cost was around £700 pounds, XH has another DD with his wife who has just decided that she wants to go away on a geography trip with her school over February Half Term, the deadline for full payment is Mid October.

XH emailed this afternoon saying what a wonderful experience this would be for his DD2 and that they currently can't afford to send her as he's paying me £170 a month, so would I forgo payments for 2 months so that like her older sister, his DD2 can go on a school trip as well. Hmm

First of all, he's not paying me £170 a month, it's for his daughter and secondly what??

To me it reads as if he wants to stop financially supporting his eldest for 2 months, so his other child can go on a trip?

I know some of you will say it's only 2 months but that £170 is DDs travel money, after school activities, weekend spending, a small portion goes into her savings.

But as he's written it, if I say no, his DD2 misses out? Surely that's not my problem or Am I just being unreasonable

OP posts:
Becky546 · 28/08/2016 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Myusernameismyusername · 28/08/2016 21:47

No because it will open up some terrible flood gates and you will let yourself in for all kinds of messing about.

Cocklodger · 28/08/2016 21:48

I know your finances are none of my business OP but I will assume you can't afford to make up the 170 a month (which is after school club/travel/fun money etc), how does he expect you to sit down your DD and tell her?!
'Sorry love, I can't take you to your swimming/insert whatever lesson this week' by week 2 she'll know something is amiss.
You'd have to say something and I think as a child I would've been heartbroken if I'd had something taken from me day to day so someone else could have a holiday.
just think of how she'd feel if you really need a reason to say no :(

Original poster
OneTreeHill · 28/08/2016 21:49

lookatyourwatchnow, so am I, believe me best decision ever made.

The absolute cheek is just unbelievable, I'll calm down a bit before I reply, Fucking No No No!!! But sadly not in those exact words.

OP posts:
ThatStewie · 28/08/2016 21:49

Do exactly what ChicRock said about the CMS. He's massively taking the piss.

breezybeach · 28/08/2016 21:51

If he really wants his dd to go then he can get a bank loan or pay on credit card
Yanbu

I know you don't want her to go without and she is your dd sister but this is just not cool

Tell him sweetly you are sorry but you just can't afford it

Original poster
OneTreeHill · 28/08/2016 21:53

Becky No, I don't earn more, I think we roughly earn the same, DH earns more then both of us though, so our household income is more then his household income but I'm sure our outgoings are more as well, if that makes sense.

DD solely relies on that money, it pays for all sorts that without it, we just wouldn't be able to pay for, so no, he can't take away from DD1 to give to DD2

OP posts:
Original poster
OneTreeHill · 28/08/2016 21:54

ChicRock, I should actually look into getting a review as it's been years since our last when DD was 9.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 28/08/2016 21:56

Yeah right, cheeky bastard him obviously

ADishBestEatenCold · 28/08/2016 21:57

I would go for AyeAmarok reply, but would add a line about your own daughter's trip. Along the line's of:

"Hi Ex,

Sorry, not sure I follow. Are you asking me to contribute £340 to your (and your DW's) Daughter's school trip?

I assume I've misunderstood, but if I haven't, the answer is no.

As you know I am already paying for all of your other Daughter's school trip.

Best regards,

Tree"

Scarydinosaurs · 28/08/2016 21:57

Omg you couldn't be MORE reasonable.

£170 is paltry. Imagine knowing one day that your father tried to worm out of paying your maintenance for two months because he was too financially incontinent to sort his budget out.

I have no idea how you could even begin to reply to that: "no, I am unable to subsidise your daughter's school trip at the expense of our daughter." What a dick.

EverySongbirdSays · 28/08/2016 21:58

£40 a week is a disgrace, an absolute pittance. Doesn't even cover half your DD's weekly expense I would imagine.

Would it help to type in £170

Food : X, Water : X Heating X Mortgage X Phone X Internet X

and then

YOUR MONEY DOESN'T EVEN COVER THE BASICS FUCK TO THE OFF

I remember my Dad thinking he was an absolute ledge for giving me £50 a month in uni, didn't even cover one bill

Dozer · 28/08/2016 22:02

"Er, no ex H. Maintenance is not optional."

Dozer · 28/08/2016 22:02

"And you pay the minimum."

serin · 28/08/2016 22:03

What an utter low life.

Is that all he thinks his child is worth? £170 a month.

ADishbestEatenCold and AyeAmorak, have good answers.

Optimist1 · 28/08/2016 22:03

Hi Ex - By all means have a holiday from paying for DD. Cutting back on food should make it possible - shall I stop feeding her every other day or would it be better to have just one week of starvation? OneTreeHill

Original poster
OneTreeHill · 28/08/2016 22:05

EverySongBird, it covers 2 gymnastic lessons a month, a new piece of clothing she might want or her Scout fees, that's it but when I use to have deal with him face to face he acted like he was giving her an arm and a leg each month Hmm like he was going beyond the call of duty as a dad Angry kids in generals cost far more then £40 week.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/08/2016 22:06

I would reply something like

"£170 does not come close to covering 50% of housing, clothing, feeding and providing for DD1, should you fail to pay your monthly contribution I will have no choice but to go to the CMS for an up to date assessment and deductions of earnings order if necessary"

AngryAngry

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 28/08/2016 22:10

You are in no way BU!!! I wont go into what my dh pays in maintenance to his ex for their son but its a mutual agreement, always has been and dh increased it slightly when DSS went to secondary school as, like we all know, things jump in expense around that time. When he has trips etc dh contributes, its an extra. If dh suggested to me, let alone his ex what your ex has suggested I'd laugh in his face. If we couldn't afford for one of our children to go on a trip then tbh, we wouldn't pay for any to go as that's not fair either way. If DSS mum could afford for DSS to go on a trip but we couldn't afford for ours to then that's just one of those things, we'd be happy he was getting a trip. But to ask for money from you, which is what he's asking really, to pay for his child's trip is ridiculous!

Chocolate123 · 28/08/2016 22:11

So he wants one dd to benefit by taking away from his other dd. The cheek of him. A big fat NO.

43percentburnt · 28/08/2016 22:14

I think a cms review is in order, surely he has had a pay rise in the last however many years. He is no doubt paying less than he should.

AskBasil · 28/08/2016 22:19

He genuinely thinks he's entitled to this money. He thinks of it as his, not your's.

Sheesh, male entitlement.

JudyCoolibar · 28/08/2016 22:19

Change AyeAmarok's reply from

"Sorry, not sure I follow. Are you asking me to contribute £340 to your (and your DW's) Daughter's school trip? "

to:

"Sorry, not sure I follow. Are you asking DD to contribute £340 to your and your DW's daughter's school trip?"

AskBasil · 28/08/2016 22:20

And he thinks he's been so nice to pay you this free money that of course you'd agree, you'd be an unreasonable greedy bitch not to.

I bet you he'll be really annoyed. He doesn't think he's asking you a favour, he thinks he's doing you one every month.

carabos · 28/08/2016 22:23

My XH stopped paying the measly amount he agreed to for DS because he couldn't afford that and private school fees for his DD with 2nd wife. So yes, he is asking you to pay for his DD2's school trip, just as my DS paid for his sister, who he has met fewer than half a dozen times, to be educated at a very well known public school Hmm.