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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being the evil EX here?

191 replies

OneTreeHill · 28/08/2016 21:22

Name changed as this is very identifying.

XH and I split 11 years ago, both remarried, both have other children but we have a DD (14) together.

We haven't spoken face to face in years not because we hate each other but because we just don't have to. So decent but kind of cold relationship, we're like 2 strangers raising a child together.

XH pays the minimum CM that he has to pay, which is £170 a month for DD and has been doing so for years, although actually getting the payment was such a hassle. He hasn't missed a single payment since he started paying about 8 years ago.

This Christmas DD is all set to go away on a ski holiday with the school, the cost was around £700 pounds, XH has another DD with his wife who has just decided that she wants to go away on a geography trip with her school over February Half Term, the deadline for full payment is Mid October.

XH emailed this afternoon saying what a wonderful experience this would be for his DD2 and that they currently can't afford to send her as he's paying me £170 a month, so would I forgo payments for 2 months so that like her older sister, his DD2 can go on a school trip as well. Hmm

First of all, he's not paying me £170 a month, it's for his daughter and secondly what??

To me it reads as if he wants to stop financially supporting his eldest for 2 months, so his other child can go on a trip?

I know some of you will say it's only 2 months but that £170 is DDs travel money, after school activities, weekend spending, a small portion goes into her savings.

But as he's written it, if I say no, his DD2 misses out? Surely that's not my problem or Am I just being unreasonable

OP posts:
MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 28/08/2016 22:26

Did he pay towards your daughters trip?

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2016 22:27

That is appalling-I can't believe he would even ask.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 28/08/2016 22:28

Sorry just seen you paid for it yourself!

GabsAlot · 28/08/2016 22:29

is the 170 through the old csa or whatever theyre called now?

get a review done in that case if u havent in 8 years

sounds like a pittance anyway

greenfolder · 28/08/2016 22:30

He pays you £5.58 a day. I would point out that his contribution towards his eldest child is £5.58 a day and you can't believe that he is suggesting foregoing that for any reason. His daughter has 2 parents to pay for her.

aisatsana · 28/08/2016 22:33

*Hi Ex,

Sorry, not sure I follow. Are you asking me to contribute £340 to you and DW's daughter's geography field trip?*

This is the crux of it. He's just worded it in a clever way in order to try to make you feel guilty if you say no.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 28/08/2016 22:34

No I don't think you're the evil ex and I think he should still continue to pay the maintenance because at the end of the day you still need that money and rely on it.
But I hope he does find the the money to pay for his other DD to go on her school trip. He must feel really shitty seeing one of his daughters have opportunities and not the other one.

Hmm at some of the completely hysterical replies on here though...

clam · 28/08/2016 22:43

So, not only have you had to pay the full amount for the skiing trip, you are also expected to pay pretty much half of his other daughter's trip too?

Fuck that!

Lookatyourwatchnow · 28/08/2016 22:47

Meandmythreelovelyboys really? Pity a fucking bout him! What 'opportunities' has he created for his first born? He hasn't contributed towards her £700 trip. And he earns the same as OP who has paid the entire balance. And wants her to now contribute towards his other daughter's trip. Don't be a dick.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 28/08/2016 22:50

Just when you think you have seen it all on mn someone comes along with a cheekier Shock ^ what they all said op, cheeky fecker, don't reply tonight though, just imagine him sweating hitting the refresh button Wink

Doggity · 28/08/2016 22:51

He's a cheeky git. I'm shocked he had the nerve to ask.

JenBehavingBadly · 28/08/2016 22:55

I think a polite but firm NO will do.

cheeky fucker.

VimFuego101 · 28/08/2016 22:55

What AyeAmarok and ADish said. He's effectively asking you to subsidize his other child's trip while not contributing to your DD's.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 28/08/2016 22:57

I'm not being a dick, I've said he should still pay the maintenance. I'll re-word it then as you're right it's not really his feelings that matter.... His younger DD must feel really shitty if she doesn't get to go on a school trip whilst her sister does. Again not saying that's the OP's problem to make that happen, but her ex should try and make it so that she can go (without stopping paying maintenance!).

Memoires · 28/08/2016 22:58

Of course he shouldn't forego paying. Will dd conveniently wink out of existence for a couple of months? Definitely go for a review too.

Bogeyface · 28/08/2016 22:58

Suggest that as the money is for your DD, he approaches her and asks her if she would willingly forgo that money in order to pay for her sister to go on holiday.

Except that you shouldnt do that as he probably would and would put pressure on DD to do it.

I think a "Are you having a fucking laugh?" should cover it.

clam · 28/08/2016 22:59

Why don't you reply, "I'm not sure why you're asking me (or rather, dd) to contribute towards your dd's school trip. I'm afraid that that money is ear-marked for essentials for dd and that she cannot do without it. We are also running short having had to finance dd's own forthcoming trip without help from you. But it raises an interesting point; namely, that it's probably about time that the CM was reviewed after 9 years. Would you like me to contact them?"

zolalola · 28/08/2016 23:02

Cheeky. Fucking. Bastard!

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 28/08/2016 23:04

Grin cheek of ten arses!

What dish said.

The thing is if you do allow it prepare for it to happen every year, Christmas ect..

Cheeky fucker!

Bluebell878275 · 28/08/2016 23:09

Firm 'no' here..and this is from a step-mum that has a difficult 'present past' in her life. He's way out of order to even think his maintenance money to you (his daughter, whatever) is optional.

CatchIt · 28/08/2016 23:12

3lovelyboys
His younger DD must feel really shitty if she doesn't get to go on a school trip whilst her sister does.

But that's not the OP's problem, it's his. Perhaps if he & his DW budgeted better, their dd could go on her trip. OP paid for their dd to go, not him. What a twat of a dad Sad

EstellaHavisham · 28/08/2016 23:14

Meandmy3 did you read the bit where the OP paid for her DD school trip alone? Hmm XH didn't pay for it. She did.

totalrecall1 · 28/08/2016 23:15

Nope. Why should you pay for his daughters school trip ( which is effectively what you will be doing!)

SandyY2K · 28/08/2016 23:17

YANBU, but he has a damn cheek.
How dare he suggest his DD1 goes without.

I'd be fuming at the bare faced cheek TBH. Does he think it only costs £170 a month to raise a child ? Or even double that to £340. It costs way more
I'm fuming in your behalf.

SandyY2K · 28/08/2016 23:19

Sorry, not sure I follow. Are you asking me to contribute £340 to you and DW's daughter's geography field trip?

^^^ This