AIBU or did I actually ask her to babysit?

[Crisscrosscranky]

This is possibly massively outing.

DH and I went to a well known swedish furniture store today to pick some bits up. Our DD (9) didn't really want to come and I was having a text conversation with a good friend whilst we were discussing it. Friend mentioned she was having a day at home and I cheekily I suppose asked if DD could come over and play with her DS (also 9) for a couple of hours. She said yes and I thought nothing of it. DD and her DS are good friends - he's often come here to play including full days in Xmas hols when I am not working and his mum is.

Dropped her off at 11 and picked her up at 2 so 3 hours in total - she did have a sandwich there but I'd also packed her off with some malteasers to share with DS's son. They spent the whole 3 hours playing Lego.

When I picked DD up my friend asked me if I could have the £20 for her tomorrow as she's a bit skint . I asked "what for?" and she said "babysitting- it's normally £10 per hour on a Sunday but as she came here I'll do it for less". I said yes because I was a)embarrassed and b) shocked. I never would have asked anyone to actually babysit so we could go shopping - I thought she was doing me a favour

She is a childminder for her FT job but she's not my DD's minder. DD goes to school with her DS and I see mum socially without the kids normally to get drunk. Thinking about it DD has never been there to play without me but like I say her DS has been to our.

AIBU to think I was asking for a playdate hate that termor did I actually ask her to babysit?!

Also, to add, she can't do that. Any business must explicitly say whether you are being charged and if so how much and what for. Even if she took you to court you signed nothing, she did not explicitly explain this is what she was doing, I think she is being very cheeky an looking to score some cash knowing your kids are friends and that you will be too embaressed to say no. Tell her to take a hike, that she is taking advantage of you and that you don't appreciate it. Take somebody as witness. Try and recod if you can but be mindful you may have to advise her you are doing so.

What Willow said. I worked as a CM for a couple of years and I always set out my rates of pay and filled in lots of paperwork before I took any new child on. For a start, a registered CM needs to know if the child being looked after has any allergies. I would never have asked a parent to pay in the OP's situation. Really odd behaviour from the CM, I think.

If she didn't want to have the OP's child, she should have just said, not taken him and charged her for it.

YANBU if you've done the same for her gratis. As I hate confrontations, I'd pay her then, in the future, refuse to have her child for all the free days you've previously offered.
If her child invites your child over in the future, clarify if it is a play date in advance.

Yep I agree about the drip feed

But we have seen many threads from childminders with posters actively advising them to present them with a bill for their time!

Did she ask for the money straightaway or was it after a few moments when she realised that you had no intention of giving her anything? Even a few Daim bars might have done the trick.

Has op ever said that the cm has actually asked for help with her ds?

Going against the grain here but if she is a good friend and says she is skint (assuming you believe her) and you can afford it, I would let it go.

If she later asks for a favor with her child, that is when I would clear up whether it's a favor or paid going forward. Certainly wouldn't bill a friend for past favors.

I agree QueenBean and with a post like yours, it's normal. However, what it still boils down to is a need for assertiveness from the cm's. And fees should be agreed up front. We signed a contract for DD before she started with her cm. Never ceases to amaze me how cheeky some people can be with their expectations though.

It is irrelevant what job your friend does - a friend would not charge for a small favour.

I'm with teapot on this to be honest. Yes she could have said no, or told you her rates before had but she didn't, and we'll never know why.

I think two things, firstly you looking after her son isn't really tit for tat, because you made the offer. She didn't ask you to put yourself out on your day off. Secondly if this is truly a good friend, (and as you let her care for your child I assume she must be) then surely you are good enough friends to talk this through. Asking to see contracts and invoices, deducting money from all she owes you for retrospective childcare is all a bit passive aggressive for me, and a little silly. I would just talk to her (not text, talk) and say here's the twenty, I'm really sorry I didn't think of it in terms of you "minding" her more just doing me a favour. Thanks for giving up some time on your day off.

If you need someone to do you a favour like this again, I would offer to pay something, and let them be the one that says "don't be daft, it's fine"

Idk... My daughter and my childminders son are best friends (same age, same class in school but been friends since they were 2). Slightly different setup, but now, 3 years later, I never ask or expect not to pay if my daughter is with the childminder even if it has been arranged for the kids rather than my convienience. However, I have her son here and wouldn't consider charging. I think asking for childcare on bank holiday Monday is a bit shitty. I am supposed to be meeting up with my CM this week which will be a chat and a play date (both of us will be there) and I wouldn't consider texting her to arrange when we are meeting her over that last bank holiday weekend until Christmas! People need a break and childminders get very few...

Ps I have a childminder friend who has had my children in the past & she always specified if it was paid work or just as a friend. I babysitted her child too.

I'd probably just pay her but never ask her again and also if you're asked to take her child when you're off at Christmas etc, agree £££ first.
But yes that's very cheeky of her. Quite rude, I'd say.

I think she is being a bit cheeky asking afterwards, I have trouble getting children to come and play after school etc, turns out it's because I am a child minder and they think they have to pay me, NO NO NO, they are my friends and I am more than happy to have them over to play, However there is the odd one who does take the piss

I only pay around £5 an hour or in kind for babysitting. This seems very unreasonable to me. My childminder doesn't even charge me anymore for the odd occasion as my dd ends up playing with her kids. I would have pointed out that you often take her son for free and had assumed it was more a case of amusing two kids rather than babysitting. She didn't even have to get off her butt! If she wanted to charge you, she should have .mentioned that during your phone call!

1Catherine am I reading that correctly? You pay for a play date if the children want to see eachother at hers on the days when she doesn't mind your DD.

After further reading, I think that this woman has known you for some time, is desperate for money and has taken advantage. She knows you well enough to know you would be too embarrassed to say no and would not jeopardise your daughter's friendship with her son. Essentially: why borrow money when she can extort it from you? She gets £20 and doesn't have to pay it back.

First, DO NOT PAY HER ANYTHING. What she has done is illegal. Unless she made it explicitly clear from the onset that she was providing a premium service and a contract was signed, she cannot force you to pay. The fact that she is asking for it in cash makes me think she will not declare it.

Record any and all conversations between you. Try and have a witness when you confront her.

To be honest if she is willing to take advantage of you like this, as hard as it is, you will have to cut her off. If she knows she can do that to you, she WILL try again, be assured of that.

Be civil, of course, but you must tell her how immoral she is being. If she tries to paint you as somebody looking to score a freebie, tell her you did not realise you were imposing, she had the right to say no, she should have made it clear this was a paid service she was offering, and remind her that you have cared for her son without ever asking for payment or reward. It does not matter that you are not a registered childminder and that she is.

She is breaking the law. If she is struggling financially, we've all been there. Offer to help her out, but do not pay her to babysit your son and if you do lend her money, get it in writing that she will pay you back.

I think if you were chatting about how you were going shopping and your dd didn't want to go, and she didn't offer to have her, she didn't want her. She would have been better off saying no, but maybe she felt she had to say yes, then seethed a bit about it and decided to charge you. Probably not the best way of handling the situation but seems likely to me.

As an update I popped over earlier today with then £20 and she invited me in for a cuppa. DC's went off to play and I explained that I'd been surprised yesterday about her charging as we've never mixed business and pleasure before. She said that she doesn't have DC round to play with DS when she's not working as she feels it's like a busman's holiday and she charges other friends for babysitting so she didn't want to treat me any differently. I did explain that I would never book a babysitter for my DD to go shopping (what a waste!) but I respect her honesty and we should out the crossed wires behind us.

I came away feeling sorry for her DS who will never have friends over to play. Like I said in previous posts, I won't stop inviting him as he is my DD's friend but I will be cooling off friendship with his mum - I think we're 'mum friends' as opposed to 'real friends'.

Thanks for all your responses though - so interesting to see differing opinions!

Yes, mum friends. Had a few of these that I mistook for real friends. Who subsequently shit on me. Really hurtful when you find out they don't think much of you. Especially as she came to your wedding.

And yes, poor kid. She sounds quite selfish tbh.

I won't stop inviting him as he is my DD's friend

You're a much nicer person than me then as I would stop on principle.

I agree feel sorry for her Ds. That's very nice of you I'm not sure I would cary on after this but well done you if you can.

Oh please. Is this real? Who does this? If this is real tell her no or say you'll deduct the £20 from all the times you've had her son and laugh it off. What a joke!

I think feeling sorry for her son is a bit passive aggressive I'm sure he will be fine.

I also think you have interpreted the friendship a lot differently than she ever did you've offered to babysit you invited her to your wedding the operative word here - you.

Sounds like your CM friend has her life worked out quite fine and will not be sad that your friendship cools off.

I think you sound a bit manipulative and controlling, in a very nicey nice way.