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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or did I actually ask her to babysit?

442 replies

Crisscrosscranky · 28/08/2016 18:17

This is possibly massively outing.

DH and I went to a well known swedish furniture store today to pick some bits up. Our DD (9) didn't really want to come and I was having a text conversation with a good friend whilst we were discussing it. Friend mentioned she was having a day at home and I cheekily I suppose asked if DD could come over and play with her DS (also 9) for a couple of hours. She said yes and I thought nothing of it. DD and her DS are good friends - he's often come here to play including full days in Xmas hols when I am not working and his mum is.

Dropped her off at 11 and picked her up at 2 so 3 hours in total - she did have a sandwich there but I'd also packed her off with some malteasers to share with DS's son. They spent the whole 3 hours playing Lego.

When I picked DD up my friend asked me if I could have the £20 for her tomorrow as she's a bit skint Confused. I asked "what for?" and she said "babysitting- it's normally £10 per hour on a Sunday but as she came here I'll do it for less". I said yes because I was a)embarrassed and b) shocked. I never would have asked anyone to actually babysit so we could go shopping - I thought she was doing me a favour Blush

She is a childminder for her FT job but she's not my DD's minder. DD goes to school with her DS and I see mum socially without the kids normally to get drunk. Thinking about it DD has never been there to play without me but like I say her DS has been to our.

AIBU to think I was asking for a playdate hate that termor did I actually ask her to babysit?!

OP posts:
CSUK · 29/08/2016 21:48

There was an MN thread the other week about some woman who cheekily emailed to say can you have my child and told her she expected homework to be done Etc and a list of over-assertive instructions. I could have sworn she said she was a child-minder. Is it possible this is the person who was in question, then? The one that all the MNers told to charge, so it didn't happen again?

MinonsMovie · 29/08/2016 21:56

Aero, as I said much much earlier in this thread, maybe even yesterday, I am glad about that too. It would be messed up to affect your child's friendship because of the breakdown of your own.

sandbagsatdawn · 29/08/2016 21:58

Haven't read the whole thread but with friends I have totally asked if they could have mine for a few hours as a childcare favour, they know that I will happily return the favour another time. That's what friends do. Also I make it clear it's fine if they can't.

A friend of mine did pay me to have both her kids all day once ie 8-6 but she offered cos she knew I was broke and the kids are friends with mine so they would prefer it to holiday club. I would never have requested money for it though. Even if it's your job it's not on to ask for payment afterwards. Before, maybe just acceptable if it's your job.

age81 · 29/08/2016 22:05

I'd ask for an invoice to be emailed to you.

So sad that some friendships are all one sided, chalk it down to experience and move on.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2016 22:06

Fine to ask for payment, but be upfront and honest about it, so op can decline. This woman did not, and that was the problem. Even if she did, op knows where she stands, but it would make me think less of her, unless I was a total user, and friend has had enough, but from the op and her subsequent posts, this is not happening.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 29/08/2016 22:20

I wouldn't be wanting my kids having anything to do with her so wouldn't be letting them go around or inviting her kid around to ours. It is harsh on her kid but if she thinks it's ok to charge supposed mates for play dates what else does she think it's ok to do? I personally wouldn't want them growing up around this. Just personal parenting preference.

NotMyMoney · 29/08/2016 22:39

When I had to go to A&E my friend had my children first time without me from 3pm to 8pm she's a childminder. She didn't charge me and I didn't offer because that's not how friendships work! How often do you chat?

Benedikte2 · 29/08/2016 22:55

CSUK you are wrong! OP in that case was a woman working full time from home who had on a few occasions had her DC's friend over as a favour to his mother. Children played together and were no trouble.
Mother of four then asked her to mind 4 children etc.
OP was not and had never been a CM.

CSUK · 30/08/2016 00:29

Benedikte2 - Thank you, I recall and stand corrected. At which point I agree, not a real friend, would never help her out with her kids again and even if she was the sort of friend that would charge for childminding, she would still have an obligation to agree the fee for services prior to execution of contracted work and invoice being raised.

GDarling · 30/08/2016 07:28

She has moved the goal post, from now on a play date/favour will mean paying each other, simple!
She/her child, will lose all of their friends if she carries on this way.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 07:31

The crux of this, is, this is not how friends work, they help each other out without expectation. If she did not want to look after op dd, then she shoukd have said no, she's a grown adult ffs, not be sneaky and underhanded like she was. That shows what she thinks of op and their 'friendship'.

Berthatydfil · 30/08/2016 08:13

I've just re read the original posting. The other mum should have said straightaway once she was asked by op if her DC could come over to play " yes of course but I'm not sure if you're aware I charge babysitting rates of £x per hour when my son has friends over when I'm not working."
The OP could then have decided if she wanted to pay or not instead of being put on the spot like that.
I think her attitude is quite odd I appreciate she may get more than the odd cheeky request as evidenced in previous threads but she should have either said no to the OPs request or made sure OP was aware of her "policy" before agreeing to it.

However I'm afraid if I was OP I wouldn't be doing this mum any favours like having her DC over during Xmas when his mum was working etc unless it totally suited me and I'm sure that the other mums of this DC's friends are slowly going to get fed up of having him for play dates and either their children never getting invited back or having to pay for the privilege which I'm sure will end up with the invites drying up for him.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 08:35

berth sad isent it, that mum charges for him having friends over. I think her friends will dry up at this rate, they will get fed up of the ones always inviting and unfortunately it will dry up. That he just sees them at school.

dustarr73 · 30/08/2016 08:36

She will wonder in a few years why her dc are not invited anywhere.It wont occur to her that the prpblem is her.

JeanGenie23 · 30/08/2016 08:47

I must admit (as a CM myself) this is why I don't often do favours for friends because it can get tricky.
I think it's been a big misunderstanding but I don't think (just from the post alone) that the OP should be forgetting the friendship.

Once I had a parent ask me to look after their Ds for 2 hours whilst they went to watch a film, it was a Saturday afternoon, they knew I was in the area as we had discussed weekend plans they day before at pick up, I had to say yes but again thought ahh well it's a bit of extra cash, they thought I would just do it for free. Big lesson learnt, never assume anything about money talk it through first!
You need to speak to your friend and let her know how you feel about this

SandyY2K · 30/08/2016 08:51

I'd pay her the money and cut her off as a friend. What a bloody cheek of her. YANBU. I think she's behaved outrageously.

bumsexatthebingo · 30/08/2016 08:51

Haven't read all 12 pages but I think if you've asked a cm to mind your kid you should expect there's a possibility they might want paying. If you've invited her child in the past then I would view that as more of a playdate as it would have been at your convenience. If you've minded him when asked as a favour to your friend then she is a little cheeky to charge for the same thing.

bumsexatthebingo · 30/08/2016 09:05

Ok. Skimmed the thread now and I can see where the cm is coming from a bit. I wouldn't really class it as a playdate when someone asks you to mind their child. With playdates the host invites and decides thr day/time convenient for them. Can also see why she might want not want kids over all the time when that's basically her full time job. The op keeps saying the child didn't need to be minded so not sure why she asked rather than just taking her dd?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 09:29

She is a grown adult and she should be assertive and say no or be upfront about her charging. Op is a friend, it was between friends, rather than a work arrangement. Sorry this woukd make me think less of her as a friend.

MinonsMovie · 30/08/2016 09:30

This well known Swedish furniture store even offers an hour of free childcare. Wink

I don't get how anyone can't see 'sending' a child round for a 'play date' as anything but an imposition.

Child minder is trained and bound by rules that don't apply to other untrained parents. They can't plead ignorance.

If by chance something terrible happens in a laypersons house then it's a terrible event and it's dealt with and you move on. You still have a career and therefore your income is protected.

When you work with children as a career you are trianed and have knowledge of exactly how it is expected to be done.

Children must be in your line of sight the whole time. You can't be up cleaning the bathroom while they're down playing Lego they have to be supervised properly.

You can't pop in the shower because you were having a lazy day and didn't get dressed till lunchtime...

You can't paint your nails in case one of them needs your attention.

You can't vacuum because you can't hear them and therefore you don't know they're okay... Not that you could vacuum in the room that they're in and if you're not in that room you can't see them so then you're breaking the rules anyway.

You can't watch the program you might want to watch on TV - TOWIE? Forget it!

And you stick to all these rules because if anything goes wrong you will be under hellish amounts of scrutiny. You will have to justify every action and prove that you did everything in your power to keep the child safe.

And if you can't - your career is gone. Even if you can, your reputation is gone. And a childminder is only as good as their reputation.

Then you can forget about worrying about stifling your childs social skills Hmm and start worrying about how are you going to feed your child, because your income is gone.

So yes 'playdates' are work for childminders because the stakes are much higher.

AIBU or did I actually ask her to babysit?
AnthonyPandy · 30/08/2016 09:39

Having read the more recent posts I can see where the childminder was heading with asking for cash but I agree with asking for a receipt, contract etc and I would absolutely not have her child over again and would tell her the reason when she asked for him to come over.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 09:40

minions it was a favour from a supposidly friend, not a work arrangement. What 'friend' did was wrong, if she was looking at this arrangement from a CM perspective, as a businesswoman, she shoukd know what she did was wrong, she shou,d have been upfront from the word go. She entered op in a business arrangement without her knowing, which is underhanded, if op wanted to she coukd report her to Ofstead.

MinonsMovie · 30/08/2016 09:44

Oh please, we aren't here debating the law, we are looking at points of view and opinions.

I agree CM handled it wrong, but this witch hunt for a random CM in what sounds like a strawman argument anyway, it's ridiculous and its lazy.

JeanGenie23 · 30/08/2016 09:44

Ofsted wouldn't care about this, it's a contractual issue, they don't get involved in that, they will only be interested if child's welfare was at risk.
It's factually incorrect to say that Ofsted would get involved

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 09:53

Yes and op has paid, and will never make that mistake again. Quite naturally, her expectations of this friend has been lowered, and it has affected the friendship.

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