To hate the label 'full time mummy'

[ilovenautical]

Have 0 tolerance for mums that put down working mums & label themselves full time mummy's - seriously?! Does that mean working mums are part time? So when we drop child off to day care/family/CM we are no longer parents? We no longer think about DC and if they were unwell we would just wait till non working hours to see them? Grrrr infuriates me!! am I the only one?

Just remember if you're having to elevate your self esteem by denigrating mothers who don't choose/ cannot choose the same as you you're probably not as happy as you thought you were.

This goes both ways.

Yes I know zzzz

Maybe you should think about that before making catty comments. I know exactly how hard it is but still know my job is more stressful.

Perhaps you don't know that until a child is 6 there's no legal compulsion to give a parent respite. So that could be six years without a nights sleep.

I wonder why you don't get another job if it's more stressful than that?

Because I like my job

I was obviously talking about ME. Shock.

And yes I have dealt with most of those things on your list. And guess what, dealing with all that and working a full time job is harder FOR ME. Jesus.

The point is that we are all different, surely?

Exactly. Never said that my job is harder than all stay at home mums. But it definitely is for me.

We can each only speak from our own experience and judge our own situations.

I know from my own experience that for ME being a WOHP was harder than being a SAHM, because comparing the periods of time I was home, and my only 'work' was caring for my babies was on balance easier than periods of time I combined it with working. But then I have a fairly demanding job (secondary school teacher) and 2 of my children weren't good sleepers and having to function for a full day at work after a broken night is generally harder than when you can follow your own agenda.

As I said upthread, my reasons for working were manifold, mainly to do with wanting to retain the career I'd trained for, share a more equal balance of earning/ caring with my dh, progress in my career... So even though the easier short term option FOR ME would have been to SAH, on balance I decided I would prefer to work (albeit just 3 days a week when they were babies)

However, that is ME. I am quite aware that many SAHM find it very hard; some would prefer to have paid employment but can't afford childcare, others are happy with their choice but nevertheless find it very tough. There's no purpose in trying to compare yourself with anyone else though.

But really there's no need for the loaded terminology like 'full time mummy'- it's just naff at best, nasty at worst

I don't mind the phase. I am not a sahm but was for many years. I have been judged for staying home and also for using childcare. I have felt guilt for doing both.

I think also there is a difference between working and having free family childcare on tap and working and using paid childcare. The stress is much higher with the latter. So the situations just aren't comparable.

Where I am most mums are either sahm, very part time or work but their partners are teachers or work remotely. Lots have grandparent care on tap. Makes a massive difference thank those single or trying to cobble together childcare year round with minimal leave.

at some of the snippiness hidden in some 'nicer' comments.
'Farming kids out just for someone else to look after them on minimum wage'
'...letting my child down by going back to work '

Where is the the fucking solidarity?

It's SHIT being a parent a lot of the time, why can we not accept that and let each other's life choices/necessities ride?

I've been both, both are hard and thankless at times.
SAHM - for every watching them cutely feed ducks/undertake crafts/giggle in wonder at a van etc there is a lonely, hiding in another room wanting to butt the wall through monotonous exchanges/tantrums/boredom/lack of discussion with people over 3ft/loneliness/having your tidied home constantly disassembled/often working parent breezing in and surveying the devastated place whilst airily enquiring what you've done all day.

WOHM - for every adult conversation/weeing alone/drinking lava hot coffee etc there is: being nauseous with tiredness in a meeting because you've been up half the night, wondering how you'll arrange extra childcare to attend childy type events, having to wake them up before they're ready to pass them over to someone else, not spending as much time with them as you'd like and having to do housework at midnight.

For the vast majority of us though, the choices we make are for the best reasons for our individual families. throughout both of the above, I am still a parent, to suggest otherwise is ludicrous.

I'm usually pretty good at being offended by stuff... but, as a mother who works part-time outside the home, I can honestly say I'm not offended by 'full-time mummy' because I understand what is meant by it. Isn't it churlish to start arguing 'oh, all parents are full-time'?? You know what the phrase means! It means you don't do another, paid job! I think the 'full-time' bit is just an attempt to mimic 'work' terminology to, you know, remind us that parenting is actually work

I don't think people are trying to have a dig at me when they say it. I might, though, feel a wave of envy - because I get browned off having to go to work and I hate it when I miss school events! But some SAHP might envy those able to work outside the home.

I think there's a tendency to feel that there's a 'general feeling' of scorn towards whichever camp you're in. It's subjective. Like how breastfeeders feel they're being universally demonised as militants and bottle-feeders feel they are demonised.

Impossible to say categorically which lifestyle is 'harder' - depends on so many things.

The only women I have known to use the term full time mummy have been quite critical of women returning to work

I had to sign on a few years ago for a few weeks so I was unemployed. ds was at shool and I am a single mum. So why am I unemployed yet if I had a partner I would be a stay at home mum

either way I would not be working in paid employment

Although FWIW I challenge anyone to find a 'job' that's harder than being a SAHM!

Are you fucking serious ???!!! zzzz makes very good points and highlights scenarios in which it would be horrendously hard to cope, but the above statement, in general, is utterly daft.

I simply don't have time for people who feel the need to assert how much of a parent they are.

Also, i simply don't have time for people who make out they are gorgeous all the time

I can honestly say I'm not offended by 'full-time mummy' because I understand what is meant by it. Isn't it churlish to start arguing 'oh, all parents are full-time'?? You know what the phrase means!

Exactly.

Op was obviously bored out of her tiny mind yesterday and fancied a spot of goading on Mumsnet.

Lots of people agreed with the op though so I don't see any value in insulting them in this way Bibbity?

Lots of us find the phrase pointless and meaningless - we are entitled to feel that way even if you think that means we have 'tiny minds'

It wasn't the op who changed the conversation into a fight about who has it worse

To me, the goady people are those saying that anyone who dislikes the phrase needs to review their own situation and make different choices..... without acknowledging that many people don't have choices.

FTY

Although FWIW I challenge anyone to find a 'job' that's harder than being a SAHM

Really??

A little light relief....

I am a SAHM, having previously had a very well paid professional job. One of my friends was (basically) expressing her disapproval at this and I was struggling not to cause offence or get too offended by the conversation. Her mother then chipped in - in my defence - "For God's sake, Friend! Natalia LIKES being a kept woman. I've been one myself for 40 years and it's great. Isn't that right, Natalia....?" Friend then grimaced at her mother....but did shut up. I've always been tempted (but not quite ballsy enough) to use the "kept woman" description when people ask me what I do....!

I know several SAHMs to school age kids and they have it VERY cushty. Very.

"Although FWIW I challenge anyone to find a 'job' that's harder than being a SAHM"

Excluding specific circumstances (eg: SAHM to multiple children including those with SEN; SAHM who cannot afford childcare but is suffering with depression and isolation etc etc ...)

...that has to be up there with the most ridiculous statement on MN.

If you are making an active choice to be a SAHM it's probably easier than a lot of jobs, and almost certainly easier than being a WOHP. Having done both, I can testify that being a SAHM involves a lot of repetitive tasks, it can also feel isolating at times (I couldn't afford to run a car during the period i didn't work which limited my activities) but essentially it isn't difficult work.

Although FWIW I challenge anyone to find a 'job' that's harder than being a SAHM!

I have a medically complex child who has soent more yhan half of his 15 months in hospital for numerous operations. More big ones are forever on the horizon. My job is still easier than for example his surgeon who daily has the lives of babies like mone literally in their hands. During the time i'm pacing the corridors wondering if he'll get through another op only one thing is harder and that's being the parent to a child who has died. But generally, i respect and trust his cos i know he has the harder job.