To ask how I dig myself out of this hole?

[Gotnopaddle]

I'm up shit creek.

On maternity leave and now picking up less than I pay out. In a lot of debt, unsecured. This includes installment loans. I've fallen behind on all payments and they're stacking up. My phone was cut off earlier and I simply can't afford to get it reconnected.

I'm married but he does not agree with credit. Has said many many times that if he finds out I'm in debt our marriage is over. He gives me money for shopping and pays most of the bills, except for Sky. Which will be cut off soon too.

I'm not here to talk about DH or his attitude but I'm sure you'll all tell me to LTB. I just want to know how to get out of this hole. I have nothing of value to sell and no chance of income as I can't afford childcare. I don't get any tax credits because of DH's earnings.

What the fuck do I do here? Sitting here quietly freaking out over it.

*"He gives me £40 a week to shop for two adults and a baby."

Ugh - I'm afraid he is financially abusive, OP*

Eh ? £40 per week is ample for 2 adults and a baby ! I only have £60 pw for 4 adults and a very active 7 year old.

bikerlou. Have you read the thread? Her husband is being brutally dishonest. Had he been a loving, caring husband, op wouldn't have any debt.

And as for telling op he won't leave her if she's honest. Tbh that would make me want to hide the problem from him. It's about time she kicked the bastard to the hills. Making her go hungry when he's got 65k of their money in the bank ffs!

Dh and I have full disclosure. He can log onto my internet banking. And I can log onto his. He is the main breadwinner. And I'm the main spender. Works for me. Works for him. I buy almost everything including his clothes. Everyone decides what works in their marriage and it doesn't have to be the same as how we work our finances. However, it does have to work for both parties in an equal partnership.

Sorry. Maths shit. £70 p/w

That may be true for you truffle. I definitely spend far more than you on the 3 of us. I also have special and expensive dietary requirements. Op doesn't drive and has to use transport or a taxi. Or pay supermarket delivery charges. This also needs to be factored in. And if she uses corner shops, they are far more expensive.

I have just read through this thread and it is clear that your husband keeping you short of money is a form of abusive control. He sounds very unpleasant, what kind of a man tells his wife who is also the mother of his child, that she is lucky to have a roof over her head?

For those who question the amount of debt, payday loans, high interest cards, late payment charges, robing Peter to pay Paul... need I continue.
A friends daughter fell into this trap.

the advice on here is pretty much what I would suggest. The CAB are brilliant and have expert volunteers who will talk to your debtors on your behalf, they will help you come to a workable solution and also advise you on your rights if you leave your husband. look up your local branch on the internet and make an appointment as soon as possible.

the advice about accumulating proof of your husbands assets is important. Some years ago I was asked to do an emergency placement and the employer said she would pay my £15 taxi fare when I got there. I had no cash in house and driver wouldn't take my word he'd be paid on arrival, I asked him to accept guaranteed cheque. he said "No he was in the middle of a divorce and his lawyer had told him that to not to accept traceable fares and keep as much hidden as possible" He offered to stop off at a cash machine. I called a friend and asked for a lift! It's amazing the lengths some men go to when their precious money is at stake.

Unless there is a threat of violence against you or your child; Don't let your husband throw you out of your home if necessary involve the police or get someone you trust to be present when you tell him about the debt.

I think this man has chipped away at your self esteem. You mentioned you don't have friends has this anything to do with him? controlling men sometimes isolate their wives and make them feel worthless. This is now recognised as abuse. His remark about being grateful for a roof over your head rings alarm bells here.

whatever you decide to do in the end, My thoughts and good wishes are with you.

Oh god sunshine. You're right about abusive men isolating wives. I'd forgotten this was said.

Truffle - its his attitude that disturbs me most. He thinks shes lucky to live in HIS house, doesn't care she doesn't eat all day so they all eat at night. She had to beg for the tiny £40 a week he gives her for food. I know when my little ones were that age, nappies, wipes, baby toiletries, teething medicine, clothes for growth spurts, milk, food etc cost more than 40 a week. That's without food for her and him, toiletries, cleaning products, travel expenses. She hasn't bought clothes since being pregnant due to being that broke, and he doesn't care.

A marriage is a partnership, two people working together to build a life they both find beneficial, loving and contented. He is building a big fat nest egg while she is starving, shes too scared to talk to him properly, for fear he will throw her out of her home - that's abuse.

The interest rates on ongoing payday loans are crippling, as well as other debt, bank charges etc. I suspect he knows she struggling, but doesn't want to part with his cash to help, when he can keep his 65k and she'll pay for the rest. On the level of income they have, she shouldn't be contemplating food banks.

bikerlou

You have read the thread, yes? Or the OP's posts at least?

The only reason he won't leave will be if he realises it will cost him more.

However, it would be the best thing that ever happened to the OP if he did.

I really want to point out to people that OP got into debt by trying to afford her marriage. He demanded contributions towards his mortgage (as he sees it) and gave her nothing for everyday expenses, despite a huge disparity in their incomes.

He's an arse, sweetheart. I'm sorry you feel so trapped. It's great that you're going to see the CAB.

You'd be better off separated. However, he won't go easily - you're a bargain wife. Get rock-sold advice, including how to register your claim on the family home.

It's scary but getting real information and starting to form plans will make you feel stronger. All the best

I've read this thread in shock. Initially I thought I'd agree with your dh as I'd be cross if my dh hid debt from me but the more I read the more I think if he did leave you over this it would be the best thing he'd ever done for you. He earns considerably more than you yet demands £80 contribution to his mortgage, what an arse wipe. Even though you're on maternity leave looking after his child you had to beg for £40 and he is fine with you going hungry all day. Bastard.
I agree with everyone else, get good legal advise and take the controlling arsehole to the cleaners. You lose a controlling cunt, wipe out your debts, gain half the savings and equity in the house. Total win win for you.

It's not even taking his money, you're just recouping yours!

Fairly sure you can still claim credit card charges back OP.

Get yourself on Moneysavingexpert in the forum bit there is a 'Debt free wannabee' bit. Go there and post, loads of helpful people to help.

Another great site is Consumeractiongroup.
They will help you claim your charges back.

Get a free credit report from Noddle

Then you can see who you owe and how much too and go from there.
Take a deep breath, this will be ok once you start facing it.

(ps It IS only money - honestly it will be ok )

pps dump your H, he's an abusive arsehole. You will be better, yes really even financially, off without him X

Thing is, Step Change will say OP HAS to get money from her husband. Creditors will want to know what money he has too because in normal circumstances, married couples have a degree of joint finances. I think CAB is the best bet OP as you say you can walk down there and make enquiries for an appointment but every agency is going to say you have to leave this man - please call Women's Aid , you'd be better off in a shelter.

Is there any family you can turn to - not for help paying debt but for help to leave?

OP your in a very abusive relationship,your DH hasn't put you on the mortgage,he won't give you any money though he's far from poor,your not eating in the day so that you can feed everyone at night and you have no clothes that fit you and your scared of him and his reaction and he's hidden how much savings he has!

You need to get away from him and as soon as possible.
Please speak to the Womens Aid this is the link for them
www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CJy2lf7p4s4CFeYp0wod2CoJAw
They're help is free and confidential,there's a part on that link where they show you how to cover your tracks online if your worried that he'll be able to see what you've been on.

Please contact someone from there as soon as you can,I've been intouch with them in the past to get help for a couple of women that I knew that were in abusive marriages and they were amazing helping me get the women and they're children away to safety.

One of the womens story was just like yours,she'd been with her husband for years and had 2 young children.He earned alot like your husband does and at one time she went without a cooker for over 2 weeks because he refused to buy another one after they're old cooker(they'd had it years)had broke down.He didn't care because every day he'd go out a have a nice meal for lunch(2-3 courses)and then he'd get himself another meal before he came home.
His wife and 2 sons were pretty much starving by the time they reached out to me for help and with Womens aid we got them away to safety.
She had no family or friends locally to help either.

When is he next at work?Whilst he's out of the house do you think you'd be able to find any paper work of his that has details of any savings accounts,bonds,shares anything like that,details about when the mortgage was taken out,how much for and how much has been paid off,any messages you have from him weather they're emails,texts,voice mails,notes he's wrote you where you've asked for money and he's refused or had a go at you anything like that get whatever you can together and make copies of it all.

Make sure you remember where you got each item from,take a copy of it and put the original back where you found it so he has no idea.
Make sure you hide whatever evidence you get together somewhere he won't find it.

Womens aid usually have good connections with the CAB so they should be able to help you find legal help through them as well.

I really really hope now that you've posted on here that you don't feel so alone OP and I so hope you get yourself and your baby away from this awful relationship and soon.
If I could pick you both up myself and help you get away I would!
I hope you keep posting on here OP to let us know how your getting on,what your going through and the way your being treated within your own home is not normal,you and your child both deserve so much more.x

GET LEGAL ADVICE!!! Immediately. Don't leave the home, don't do anything until you know where you stand.

He kept you poor while telling you he didn't care if you ate and don't go into debt (while keeping finances separate) and accruing 65K in assets (plus a house). He is a shit. You don't eat lobster while the person you love eats beans.

How would you feel if you do split up?

Get proof of his savings and pension.

I have been a Debt Advisor for 13 years. The worst thing you can do is hide from it. Go see a Money Advice Agency. You need to tell your husband eventually as some of the solutions may affect him. However get advice first, then tell him when you have looked at them.

Sorry, I hadnt read all the posts. If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to leave...

"Can't make calls at the mo, can only use WiFi at home."

You can phone for free on Facebook and Skype, just tell people you're phone's broken and ask them to watch out for the call.

OP,
Just read this and I really feel for you.
Please leave him and please know that this is not your fault and even if it was accidents happen - you're far from the only person in debt.
I've seen some great advice on the thread but just wanted to say it's just money . You haven't intentionally hurt anyone. Please don't panic . You have the strength to sort this and things will get better .

I'm assuming the cpa is a continuous payment authority to the pay day loans company?

So you got into debt when you were on £850ish a month and paying Dh £320 a month for contribution towards bills? £500 a month he will have assumed you've had to spend as you wish / cover bills and he now thinks you have a sinilarish amount and isn't expecting a contribution and is in fact giving you some money?

As he has no idea about any of the debt he doesn't sound financially abusive. Just completely in the dark.

You need to tell him what you have done. His secret savings are as bad as your secret debt. He has made clear his feelings about it and has tried to remain financially separate from you, is there a reason? It's not all that typical.

I understand all your money is going to service debt and it seems dreadful that you are trying to cope. He hasn't a clue and will be pretty bewildered by why you are struggling. Be honest, you can't carry on like this as the bailiffs will be on your door and very visible.

I'm sorry you are going through this, was there a reason you were working part time before? Can you work evenings to earn instead so no childcare costs? Caring or retail?

Holidays, for helping those women.

This must be nerve-wracking to read, Paddle, but you're on the right track. Keep going!

Mummyshortlegz, OP was paying for all the food, family stuff, other groceries and Sky as well as her own phone, travel expenses, clothes and personal needs. Plus £80 a week (£360 a month, not 320) towards "his" mortgage as he was putting a roof over her head.

I couldn't do that on £750. Neither could she.

Sympathy, OP. I have been in frightening debt and it crushes you. It's not so easy to leave an abuser and stay strong. Take care and keep reading MN for mental strength.

JSA, the smallest "amount the government says you need to live on" for a single adult is £73.10 a week - that's £329 a month. I lived on it for two years; it was hell. It isn't possible to make yourself look boxfresh for work on that money. There's certainly no give in it for unscheduled costs, and the fares to work would put you in the red.

OP was feeding her husband as well on little over that - while he was earning four times her wage, and banking his excess in his personal account