To ask how I dig myself out of this hole?

[Gotnopaddle]

I'm up shit creek.

On maternity leave and now picking up less than I pay out. In a lot of debt, unsecured. This includes installment loans. I've fallen behind on all payments and they're stacking up. My phone was cut off earlier and I simply can't afford to get it reconnected.

I'm married but he does not agree with credit. Has said many many times that if he finds out I'm in debt our marriage is over. He gives me money for shopping and pays most of the bills, except for Sky. Which will be cut off soon too.

I'm not here to talk about DH or his attitude but I'm sure you'll all tell me to LTB. I just want to know how to get out of this hole. I have nothing of value to sell and no chance of income as I can't afford childcare. I don't get any tax credits because of DH's earnings.

What the fuck do I do here? Sitting here quietly freaking out over it.

Can you get hold of his A/C number and bank? A court will order his bank statements. Get details of pensions, shares, anything financial and photocopy everything. Half of that will clear your debts and pay deposits etc on rent and that's without half the value of the equity in the house and maintenance payments.

You will actually be much better off if you leave him but do everything you can to prevent him hiding fianancial matters from you when you leave.

I think you need to understand two things:

1. He is the problem, not you.
2. You and your son will live a happier life without him.

He has those savings and yet you struggle with a very small child, it is not right. I have been stupid with money in the past, it was to fill a child shaped gap in my life, but dh was brilliant about it, he understood & I was very depressed and ashamed about it, but we are fine now.
I hope you can get the help you need op, with the debt and with your so called husband. Take care of yourself & wee one, that is the most important thing.

OP - mental health issues have a devastating impact on finances - I would say that 70-80 per cent of the people I used to deal with at work had depression or mental health issues. It affects how people judge and manage finances, again moneysavingexpert has a massive guide on this.

Mention it to CAB - there is nothing to be embarrassed about, dealing with this, as well as depression makes you more of a warrior than you realise. You will find strength you didn't realise you had. The CAB can refer you to a law centre, if your mental health problems were bad enough, that your capacity when you took out the credit to understand the contract could be questioned. Again this depends on your exact circumstances so mention it.

Mummyofalittedragon - the cynical logic behind it was that companies would rather take one pound payments than nothing, and never hear from the customer until it is time to launch legal proceedings. But once an arrangement like that goes in, it is very hard with nationwide to have any credit with them again, cards are frozen and then accounts closed in those kind of serious circumstances.

My other advice OP is when going through a budget and listing your expenditure, be realistic - don't say to them or the CAB, you can survive on say 40 a week for food if you cant - because if your plan isn't realistic, it wont be accepted. I have looked at income and expenditures before, and although it looks good when outgoings are minimal and repayments are slightly higher, I would think there is no way that will work and the customer will stick to it. It looks like bullshit on paper designed to buy time, rather than a serious attempt to tackle debt. Be honest. I would also keep a spending diary for a week, in a little notepad, that accounts for every single penny that leaves your hand or bank account. Bus fare, clothes for DS, nappies, baby wipes, any medicine like calpol for him, prescription charges for you - things you forget will show up and that will help you.

Be kind to yourself, it takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem, and a warrior like spirit to tackle it, but you can and will do it, but put yourself and your son first, be single minded, your sons welfare, your welfare, your finances and waaay down the list after the neighbours cat, your husband (cause letting you starve in the day shows he doesn't give a rats backside about you lovely) x

OP if you've been paying half of all expenses while earning 12k, and he's been earning 47k, then of course you're going to be in debt. The problem is that you didn't feel able to tell him this at an early stage so you could, like a married couple, sort out finances fairly between you. You sound scared of him. That's not right.

I think if he ends the marriage he'll be doing you a huge favour, but I bet he won't because then he'd lose control of you. You'd be much better off financially if he did leave. You'd get 20% of his 47k in child support for a kick off.

Nobody should be in control of the money in a marriage. There's no reason why you shouldn't both have equal access to equal amounts of money. Then you'd be in no debt whatsoever. That's his fault, not yours. He can pay off the 16k with the massive savings he has probably accrued that you don't know about while you've been subbing his lifestyle.

In you shoes, I'd be the one to leave, but I don't think you're ready yet. I hope one day you see this man for what he is.

CAB were wonderful for me when I got into trouble with debt. I know full well how it spirals out of hand. Do that first, you'll need a gateway appointment first probably, but say you need to speak to a debt advisor urgently.

As for your DH... If he really would split his family up over your debts, you'd be better off without him. He's not a partner. He must know that you are in debt - I think the threats are simply because he doesn't want to be bothered by it and he doesn't care that you are distressed. The fact is, you would probably be much better off financially if you divorced him! Perhaps when you go to the CAB you could also ask to call Women's Aid, or ask for advice about how you stand legally if you split. It may even be worth asking on the legal board here.

Hang on cross post - 65K IN SAVINGS - fuck that, youre struggling to feed yourself and that cockwomble is sitting on that - bullshit, leave him. I'm outraged for you, DIVORCE HIM!!

Think to yourself, how much of that has been funded by you paying half when you couldn't afford to - hes leeching off you lovely and you're left worrying how to pay debt, caused by him stashing and saving money that hes taken off you that you couldn't afford in the first place.

You'd be better off living with a slug, at least that would leave an honest trail and not emotionally and financially abuse you - massive hugs OP. In six months to a year, you'll look back on this dark time and wonder how you lasted here so long - leave - I'm so disgusted by this, that if you are ever by me in RL, ill buy you some prosecco to celebrate your divorce x

Also ask about a food bank referral, I think you can have three visits. People from all walks of life use them, no need for embarrassment.

I'm reading through this thread in horror. This man sounds utterly vile and you should take him to the fucking cleaners.

£65k is savings?!?

take him to the cleaners!

Get some legal advice and start divorce proceedings. You'll be rich! By comparison.

He sounds like a horrible horrible man. Rinse him out!

What 65k ?!! And he bought the house in his name when you were together is that correct?

You really really need to get as much financial documents copied off before you tell him. This is a whole new level of financial abuse.

Which bank does he have the money in? Can you possibly get access to the account or do you know anyone who could help you hack in? Not to transfer funds, but to print off bank statements.

And fgs PLEASE DONT LEAVE THE MARITAL HOME. If he files for divorce, he will be a nightmare. Is he a narcissist? He sounds like one.

65k in savings and you can't afford to eat! Ltb and get half the savings.

Seen the other messages.

If you don't get proof of the 65k before you file for divorce (if that's what you decide to do), it will most likely be gone. He will hide the money wherever and however he can.

I just gave a little cheer to see that the OP is getting some moral support here after several pages of people not seeing what was staring them in the face

He is clearly an absolute dick and you will do a million times better without him. Get professional support, stop worrying about what he thinks (who gives a damn - he lets you go hungry while he sits on his money like fucking Smaug) and let go of the guilt. This isn't your fault.

You have a child now, who will be dependent on you for the next 18 to 25 years.

This is reality.

Ditch the bastard who treats you like this: Has said many many times that if he finds out I'm in debt our marriage is over. He gives me money for shopping

Financial abuse, and this is why you HAVE to become independent.

You would be better off with this dead weight off your back.

Are these payday loans you have?

Truthfully OP on reflection - divorcing him will help clear your debt, they will be treated as marital debt, if you can prove they were accrued supporting the household when he wouldn't fully (on a higher income). I would imagine the court would allow for this - you need legal advice NOW!.

Mummyofalittledragon is right - you need copies of paperwork. Everything you can get your hands on while hes out, photocopy it (CAB can help there) and keep it in a file somewhere he wont know where it is, out of the house if you can (poss post it to your family out of the way, people you trust not to say anything.) Don't say anything until you have done this - get copies while he doesn't suspect - any of his bank statements that come to the house, absolutely anything. Once you are sure you have everything then tell him. I would also get legal advice while you are still there, before he knows you are leaving.

As this smacks of DV - womens aid and the CAB should be able to advise how you stand on legal aid (it is available in cases of DV) and how you go about claiming it, or even a pro bono solicitor - wont hurt you to find out. I'd even have the house valued while he is out - so you know how much its worth roughly.

This sounds like it can be sorted by you leaving. You will need advice on how to manage until that happens, but I seriously don't see what he brings to your life. Does he make you happy, support you, respect you, value your contribution? Best question, would he talk to strangers, work colleagues, friends, with more respect and affection than you - I suspect yes. Is he nicer to you in front of other people?

Leave. Seriously. Or you stand a real chance of your son growing up to think treating women like this is normal. You and your DS deserve a happy, contented life, where you feel valued and respected, not walked all over, abused, manipulated and treated like something hes stepped in.

Just to give a different perspective - I have always been the higher earner in my marriage, by quite a bit. It would never, ever have occurred to me to treat my husband that way. It's not "my" money - we are a partnership! This situation is just not right, and I don't know how anyone could treat somebody they love in like that.

It isn't his house and it isn't his money. They are marital assets. He cannot throw you out.

You've got into debt way over your head because of the original financial abuse.

Please talk to the debt advice services recommended up thread.

OP your DH pays the mortgage and everything else except Sky? I'm so cinfused. To me that means he pays all the bills including food but then you say you are going without.

You also say the debt is partly instalments, but what for?

As some posters have said, from your posts it could be that your husband is treating you badly or it could be that you are cinfused about money, any advice has to be based on the full facts. I understand if you don't want to share them here but do tell CAB.

Oh no OP you so need to get rid. Speak to someone ASAP to get urgent advice about everything you have said on here.

What is he planning with all that money? What is he up to so secretly? Try and get evidence before he can destroy it himself. Have your payments to him been documented? I'm so angry for you right now.

I can't imagine it will be easy, splitting up with a partner/husband never is, not knowing what is going to happen next, especially with a baby and more so with financial difficulties....but I'm sure you know what the answer to this is. This isn't a marriage.

Please also speak to your GP, they can support you through this, maybe arrange some help groups and counselling for your depression and this situation.

He won't leave you as long as you are brutally honest. Ask him for his help now and be very very honest. Hold nothing back. Tell him you need his help.
Mean it and you will both sort it.

Is it cynical of me to think that is she tells him, and he tries to save their marriage, it will be because he will be aware he will lose a good chunk of his house, savings and pension as well as child maintenance, and will want to in practice save money by keeping her in the marriage?

He sounds like he has put her through hell for quite some time, and doesn't actually respect her. I feel cynical but I'd imagine any positive changes would be shortlived, until he has hidden assets and protected himself.

I think that too. He won't leave because he knows he's on to a good thing. Saying that is just a way of controlling her.

But she needs to leave him.