To tell my DC that their cheating dad broke my family up not me for refusing to put up with his behaviour :-(

[GuacamoleHole]

That's it really.

There's a massive backstory but I have two very angry DC right now and will have to sort them out rather than type out tomes

Dh has been a serial arsehole. I've taken him back time after time because I was scared he and his family would take away my children (the PIL have done this twice before with my SIL being sectioned about 5 years ago)

I decided to mentally check out of the whole relationship about 5 years ago.

• got counselling last year(ongoing) medical treatment and got training so I could have skills for a job around the children. The trust was so gone that I started to get very ill- I've tried to have my own separate life in preparation for this time but my H is very charming, has money and a lot of influence- to everyone around us they see him as a wonderful family man and believe the Facebook and Instagram fake dad he really is- they don't see the other side to his social media presence which looks for prostitutes online and trawls his little black book for no strings thrills

I'm so hurt right now. I feel like I've wasted my life. I'm ashamed. I've not told any friends yet but the children know and they are so unhappy. I want to tell them how hard it's been for me and how much their dad has put my sexual,emotional and physical health at risk (he gave me a black eye last year when I snatched his phone off him to find the latest woman he was trying to woo)

What do I do?

I have a solicitor booked for next Wednesday

Their father is capable of a serious degree of abuse.

If it's abuse then they should not have an independent relationship with them.

In some ways, it would make lives so much easier (including my own as I'd be resident parent to my DSC) - if a cheating spouse was never permitted to be the resident parent, for instance - but I'm not convinced the evidence is there to support the premise that DCs are better off being removed from their primary carer in that way - is there a correlation between parents scamming their DCs and infidelity?

Definitely a correlation between not acting in the DC's best interests on an ongoing basis, that's been seen over and over again

Sorry I didn't realise there needed to be a proven correlation before I was allowed to warn my DC in a sensitive way that their father has a track record of telling lies and taking advantage of people.

does it put your DCs at risk? If not, why do they need to know

Knowledge is strength. I think the harm to children is when it is obvious that they are being asked to take sides, but not in knowing the truth. When my dd was young I let her know some of the problems I had with her dad as they were problems she was having with him too, such as making lots of empty promises. I did not tell her about the violence until it came out when she was an adult.

In this case, these kids need to know the truth, because otherwise they are liable to fall for lies that could seriously screw up their lives

What ever you do, do not involve the children!!!!

You can't just "not involve the children" in a divorce! Children want to know why what's happening to them is happening. Generally speaking, divorce is traumatic. How anyone can think that the right thing to do in such circumstances is respond to children's questions with lies is beyond me - at a time when you yourself are crippled with stress, anxiety and in many cases, mental illness - from being gaslighted, betrayed and lied to.

So true. so true. And I wasn't even married to my X.

I know after I left my X (he was abusive) I choked on the word Daddy. It just wouldn't come out right. So I was able to talk more normally (when it was necessary, factually) about him by his first name. It was a coping mechanism for me and it made things easier for them too. Everything and anything that made things easier for me made things easier for them.

Children aren't stupid. I think when my parents got divorced that's what pissed me off more than anything being treated like an idiot, lied to and then told to accept it. I have no respect for either of them these days

"Children should never know what went on in a broken down realtionship. All they need to know is it's over. Yes the ask questions but that stops in time "

Jesus christ Eatthecake that sounds like something the matron of a 1930s Irish orphanage would say

I have a friend who "protected" her daughter and never told her that her husband abandoned her when she had a cancer diagnosis with a very bad prognosis and a two year old, leaving HIS kids from a previous marriage with her as well. This girl was only showed the fun side of her father during the school holidays and my friend of course, did all the boring shit day to day stuff. Now daughter has been married and has twins, has not spoken to her mum in ten years and the sun shines out of the father. Tell them in an age appropriate way and teach them how to be stronger than their father - and decent people.

Now daughter has been married and has twins, has not spoken to her mum in ten years and the sun shines out of the father

Are you saying that the DD now knows the truth and rejected her mother for lying and instead favours the father who she found out the truth about?

Or, does the DD still not know the truth, and has drawn her own conclusions about her parents based on her own experiences of them?

Sounds about right in my experience, cousins daughter is exactly the same. Mother worked two jobs, child wanted for nothing ... Father lived 2 mins up the road with new family, never paid a penny child support, no birthday presents nothing. Dad can do no wrong, mother cut dead for nothing but good enough 21st birthday present, the worlds gone mad

Not buying good enough present ..... Spell checks gone mad as well

I've a friend who 'protected' her dd too. My friend always spoke well of the jackass who'd abandoned her and left her broke. It puzzled me but my friend seemed ok (family support) and she got a virtuous hgh from doing The Right Thing (fair enough in itself) except, her dd is no fool and one day said ''so why doesn't my Dad want to see me?''. Why doesn't he prioritise me over his free time? Why doesn't he priorise my financial well-being over his disposable income. My friend questioned the whole sing Daddy's praises sky high file.

and the dd found it hard to reconcile this behaviour with a good man. It would have been easier to reconcile that behaviour with a man not able to be a father. My friend span it all wrong

Dad can do no wrong, mother cut dead for not buying good enough 21st birthday present, the worlds gone mad

It does show how much of an impact even a very hands-off and uninvolved father can have on a DCs values as an adult. I'm assuming that her mum didn't bring her up to be materialistic and selfish, and it sounds like she demonstrated a good work ethic.

Mum protected daughter for so long that daughter chose to believe BS fed to her from father instead of mother and older half brothers. (Dad is a psychiatrist who left mum for one of his patients)

Rubbish. Children know. They may pick the "wrong" parent for other reasons but no child is actually fooled by one parent being civil about the other.

this is just a fantasy that is fed to single moms to encourage them to destroy their kid's lives to get them onside.

No professional is going to tell you to drip poison in your child's ear.

I don't know any single mum that drip feeds poison into their kids ears. I do not believe anyone is a "professional" when it comes to these matters either the most fucked up psycho I know is a counsellor .... Nobody has a clue how best to handle these things or what the how come will be so all you can be is honest. Then if it does bite you no regrets you told the truth

you are 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000% doing the right thing here

to some extent it sounds like you have been brainwashed by this man, and his family.

OP, get yourself strong and robust again before you have any dealings and in depth conversations with the kids is my advice.

NOONE should stay in a marriage where the other half cheats and hits them

In no order:
gtet a lawyers that familiar with domestic abose
get a therapist experienced in domestic abose (PM me if you want data)
BLOCK HIS FAMILY.

are you in the family home?

and if you cant cope see the kindes GP, and get some short term help maybe (there is no shame)

I do not believe anyone is a "professional" when it comes to these matters either

That's a risky position to take - and expressed to the wrong person, could result in child protection proceedings.

Irrespective of whether you agree or not, family law is based on professional input. A mother who continues to share details of her relationship with her DCs father with them against the advice of professionals could face contempt of court, or even loss of residency.

It can, and is, written into court orders that parents should not share with their DCs details of the relationship breakup.

Usedtobe

but has never forgiven his mother for bad-mouthing his dad.

Was she telling lies? If not then I don't consider it bad mouthing. She told him the truth. She didn't need to, but you have no idea how devastated she was.

In fact, it's indicative of skewed priorities on the OP's part that she sees the cheating as worse than the abuse.

Cheating is abuse and her priorities aren't skewed.

Children should be told in an age appropriate way.

18 is old enough to know your dad went with hookers as well. I knew a couple splitting up following the dad cheating and her DD couldn't understand why mum wouldn't forgive. Because that's what we teach our kids and they learn that in schools.

Dad had told DD it was a mistake, mum wouldn't forgive. See how mum was getting blamed.

So DD tells mum she's a hypocrite talking about forgiveness. That dad's sorry and everyone makes mistakes ... we're only human ....that she's breaking the family up etc etc

Well DD soon changed her view when mum told her that while she was st the hodpitsl with dad, as mum was going in for a consultation following a diagnosis of breast cancer, dad was telling (texting) his OW how he was missing her, asked for a pic of her fresh pu**y and said he was hungry for it.

Her mum just told DD he was sexting the OW while they were at the hospital and not the exact words.

She could have left it, but you might excuse her for loosing it and getting blamed for not forgiving . The father daughter relationship is over. The DD has barely spoken to her dad since and this was quite a few years ago now.

The dad damaged that relationship himself. Infidelity affects more than your spouse and has far reaching consequences.

The sooner cheaters realise that the better. They shouldn't blame the betrayed spouse for their crappie behaviour.

The professional opinions that family law is based on is actually laughable if you've ever been through the process. As for loosing residency you know what kids are used as a stick to beat mothers with the sooner people realise that actually fuck all happens no matter how badly anyone behaves the better. Having been through the process where the other party was provern to lie, admitted and apologised in front of a judge with no consequence it removes all power and that's quite liberating when you are actually in the right. If those in the wrong go unpunished then you are untouchable telling the truth and doing the right thing.