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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my DC that their cheating dad broke my family up not me for refusing to put up with his behaviour :-(

158 replies

GuacamoleHole · 27/08/2016 12:24

That's it really.

There's a massive backstory but I have two very angry DC right now and will have to sort them out rather than type out tomes

Dh has been a serial arsehole. I've taken him back time after time because I was scared he and his family would take away my children (the PIL have done this twice before with my SIL being sectioned about 5 years ago)

I decided to mentally check out of the whole relationship about 5 years ago.

  • got counselling last year(ongoing) medical treatment and got training so I could have skills for a job around the children. The trust was so gone that I started to get very ill- I've tried to have my own separate life in preparation for this time but my H is very charming, has money and a lot of influence- to everyone around us they see him as a wonderful family man and believe the Facebook and Instagram fake dad he really is- they don't see the other side to his social media presence which looks for prostitutes online and trawls his little black book for no strings thrills

I'm so hurt right now. I feel like I've wasted my life. I'm ashamed. I've not told any friends yet but the children know and they are so unhappy. I want to tell them how hard it's been for me and how much their dad has put my sexual,emotional and physical health at risk (he gave me a black eye last year when I snatched his phone off him to find the latest woman he was trying to woo)

What do I do?

I have a solicitor booked for next Wednesday

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 29/08/2016 01:36
Flowers
UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 29/08/2016 02:15

You are obviously having a very tough time OP but please don't tell your children the details of their father's behaviour.

My dh was 18 when his father left his mother for another woman. They then hadca very bitter divoece. Dh's mother was devastated and told dh things about their marriage which no-one should ever have to hear about their parents (details of his dad's affairs, his dads use of prostitutes etc). Thirty years on, my dh has a reasonably good relationship with his dad (who has never bad mouthed dh's mother to him) but has never forgiven his mother for bad-mouthing his dad.

I really hope you have lots of support in RL and people to sound off to. .

LucyBabs · 29/08/2016 02:31

I agree tell your dc the basics. Why should you be the bad guy when it's your H who lied and cheated?
usedtobe no one is suggesting the op tells her dc the ins and outs of her marriage.

My dsis went through a horrible separation from her H
He would tell her to "just go hang yourself" in front of their young dc.
He was financially abusive he spread rumours that she was an alcoholic. Her in-laws joined in.
Funny how very few believed the stories about my sister.They knew exactly what that family was like.
I got angry when sister wouldn't be honest with her dc. They blamed her, that she made their Daddy leave. Their Daddy isn't deserving of his dc.. He never cared.. Yes a child's relationship with a parent is separate to the marriage but if my dh told me to hang myself in front of my dc he wouldn't be a good parent

ladybird69 · 29/08/2016 02:45

Please don't stay silent I did to protect my children while all the while he was brain washing then against me! Why? Because I was daring to divorce him. He told me if you ever divorce me I'll take your children. Which he did. Then they all (including the other woman) spread lies and slander around including on social media. The judge kept telling him how much harm he was doing but he wanted to make my life a f%#kingliving hell!!! It's been over 4 years since I came home and found a completely emptied house and everyone gone. And I can imagine he's still putting the blame on me and he's playing the victim left with the children.
Don't give your ex the chance to brain wash and take control of yours. Stay strong Flowers

Original poster
GuacamoleHole · 29/08/2016 06:58

I won't stay silent but I will have to choose my moment . I want them to know when my parents are on hand to offer support to all of us. I'm so sick with worry that I will crack.

They will be told in age appropriate terms

I am estranged from his parents as they couldn't control me and made my life a living hell for ten years - including slandering my name and spreading rumours I was an unfit mother- she ( his DM)sent e mails (including one to me in error) telling family members I did nothing at all for my children including their cares as I was too busy living the life of a woman of leisure- strange given that their father at the time was away with work for two years solid. She told anyone who would listen that my children would have to be peeled from her bosom crying because they didn't want to come home to me (all lies- they were bored in her company and cake home quite happy after their fort nightly hour with them) I'm not sure how she managed to convince people but she did. When I saw evidence of this I severed contact with her. It's going to get ALOT worse.

Thank you for sharing your own experiences.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 29/08/2016 07:09

I'd think hard about relying on your parents for this after your last post. Can you contact women's aid? They should be able to help.

Original poster
GuacamoleHole · 29/08/2016 07:13

Olivia no I cannot because of Hs and his family's affiliation with some senior people at our local one. I'm terrified they will find out. My doctors surgery made a massive confidentiality gaff that almost cost me dear I'm not risking that again. (I'm also too exhausted keeping myself afloat to fight with anyone else)

H has fingers in many pies here. He goes out of his way to volunteer and is a chief fundraiser for many organisations- I cannot say more than that for obvious reasons. Sad

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2016 07:13

ladybird. So you don't see you children, I think. Please don't give up hope. This happened to a father I knew as a child. When his daughter was early 20's, she finally saw through her mother's lies and reinstigated contact.

Wow he's had awful parenting. No wonder he turned out to be such an awful man. Yes, you definitely need to tell your dcs to counteract the poison.

Original poster
GuacamoleHole · 29/08/2016 07:21

Awful parenting is an understatement and an excuse I accepted for years but not any more.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 29/08/2016 07:31

He may have had awful parenting but he made a choice to live the life he had
My childhood was awful and, I was going to say I've worked hard and made the choice to give mine a better one, but actually it was easy to do. Physically of course it's knackering as I had three under five but wanting my kids to have a good life came naturally. Be careful not to make excuses for him.
I hope you get free soon Flowers.

SomeonesRealName · 29/08/2016 07:41

Posting for support OP. You're doing the right thing and I also agree with telling the truth in an age appropriate way. Don't let him control the narrative and don't risk your DC feeling confused and insecure wondering what other relationships can suddenly stop for basically no reason. Model a good example for their own relationships.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2016 07:42

Yes I agree Goingtobe. I, too, have chosen to be a very different parent from mine. My mother doesn't write nasty emails about me Guacomale, she's just constantly nasty to me. I'm not like her and have a close and great relationship with my DD thus far. So, yes, he has made a decision to live what he learned, however unconsciously.

Original poster
GuacamoleHole · 29/08/2016 07:49

Thank you - I agree with you and I'm no longer making excuses. I feel wretched as I've really not been me for the last couple of years at least. My exhaustion with the whole relationship has cost me many nights of no sleep and anxiety and I think I've become a very resentful person- at times taking it out on my lovely children :-(
That's not fair. That will not continue. They deserve a consistent , patient, kind mum. They are such lovely people.

OP posts:
roob314 · 29/08/2016 07:59

I'm like a decade further down the line but I think it's important for the dc to grow up knowing that Mum will walk away from drama, abuse, disrespect....

They also need to know though that you feel strong enough to 'do this' on your own. It helps if you feel optimistic about the future. Which is hard right now. Just tell yourself you'll hide your resentment for the next year. Take it in chunks. Being factual about the truth and not covering for their Dad did help me let go of some resentment at the situation I was in.

I've floundered occasionally so I hope dc know the above and forgive me the few moments of anger I couldn't hide (in betweent two court cases for example)

MilkshakeMonkey · 29/08/2016 08:05

Take care OP. You've made your decision to end this awful situation, just keep going.
Keep strong, it will get worse before it gets better, but YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS
In the long run your children will thank you

Original poster
GuacamoleHole · 29/08/2016 08:09

Thank you Sad
Things will be good one day.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 29/08/2016 08:37

Good luck OP stay strong.

Original poster
GuacamoleHole · 29/08/2016 09:39

Told him I didn't want to talk to him with first knowing the pass lock on his phone. I told him he gives me that (so I know exactly what I am dealing with and what to expect)

He refused.

Told me I was torturing myself- he told me that it was just as hard to him to hold it all together as he has nobody.

What a douche.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 29/08/2016 11:21

You're getting the blame as they don't know the real reason - to stop that you need to tell them (age appropriate) why.

Original poster
GuacamoleHole · 29/08/2016 22:05

Yes.

OP posts:
ladybird69 · 29/08/2016 23:14

Thank you mummy yes I haven't seen my children for over 4 years, he said that he would make my life a living Hell and that was the ultimate way it's worse than death. I know that it usually happens to dads, I pray that one day ill see them again and maybe ill get the chance to tell them my side. At the time I didn't want to get into bad mouthing in public and social media which they used against me.
guacamole divorce is hard enough as it is but with an ex like yours it's going to be extra hard, stay strong and look out for you and your children you're the only ones that matter. You will get through this, my friend gave me a Churchill quote which really was apt "if you're going through Hell, just keep going" some days will be Hell but you will get through it and you'll be a stronger and wiser woman for it. Take care

Eyedrophell · 30/08/2016 10:10

guacamole i am struck by what a strong woman and mother you are. You may not realise or believe me but you are strong enough to this and come out the other side.

There is a couple I know where he is very much like your husband, a pillar of the community etc. There are many of us who could see all was not quite as it seemed and it's since come out he was abusing her. People may surprise you.

Original poster
GuacamoleHole · 30/08/2016 10:40

Eyedrop-
I'm sat in a public carpark wiping away tears reading your post. I think I am strong- I've put up with a very psychologically substandard way of living in many ways.
I can't say why I've stayed but one of the DC is a massive reason. I feel like I've sacrificed every bit orange that I can now.

Solicitors - see what they say then I'll make my decisions. I just feel so alone right now. Which is mad as I always have been.

I keep reflecting on our lives. His is very separate to mine. His social media (locked out of most of it now-shows that of a party/lovable action man- so fake) I don't know any of his work colleagues- he has countless meals/nights out with his team- he has all his friends and colleagues and then there are my friends, friends he now has ingratiated and wormed his way into that domain making this very stacked in his favour. Why didn't I notice any of this before? I'm hoping my family see it.

I feel like screaming it all out

All I can think about is a PP saying "why should you keep all his grubby secrets"

I won't do anything stupid but I'm fantasising about it Smile

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 30/08/2016 17:13

Sorry about the delay in getting back to you. Could you contact women's aid in another random location and explain? I'm sure they could help?

OliviaBenson · 30/08/2016 17:15

And in respect of knowing his social media profiles, you know he has a fake public persona. I think you need to detach- you asking him for passcodes is still giving him power. Detach as much as you can, it doesn't matter, you know what he is like.