Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To tell my DC that their cheating dad broke my family up not me for refusing to put up with his behaviour :-(

158 replies

GuacamoleHole · 27/08/2016 12:24

That's it really.

There's a massive backstory but I have two very angry DC right now and will have to sort them out rather than type out tomes

Dh has been a serial arsehole. I've taken him back time after time because I was scared he and his family would take away my children (the PIL have done this twice before with my SIL being sectioned about 5 years ago)

I decided to mentally check out of the whole relationship about 5 years ago.

  • got counselling last year(ongoing) medical treatment and got training so I could have skills for a job around the children. The trust was so gone that I started to get very ill- I've tried to have my own separate life in preparation for this time but my H is very charming, has money and a lot of influence- to everyone around us they see him as a wonderful family man and believe the Facebook and Instagram fake dad he really is- they don't see the other side to his social media presence which looks for prostitutes online and trawls his little black book for no strings thrills

I'm so hurt right now. I feel like I've wasted my life. I'm ashamed. I've not told any friends yet but the children know and they are so unhappy. I want to tell them how hard it's been for me and how much their dad has put my sexual,emotional and physical health at risk (he gave me a black eye last year when I snatched his phone off him to find the latest woman he was trying to woo)

What do I do?

I have a solicitor booked for next Wednesday

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 27/08/2016 13:01

Please don't assume everyone around you believes he's Mr Wonderful , you may be surprised who approaches you when the split becomes known locally . People do see through these kind of people and if someone invites you for coffee etc don't refuse as it may be their non verbal way of showing you support.

MakeMyWineADouble · 27/08/2016 13:01

There's no blanket rule what kids shouldn't or shouldn't be told in my opinion lots of things play a apart age ect. What I do think would be good is for you to unload to others first so if you do decided to tell them in can be in a calm appropriate way. You sound like your family are far away can you call and speak to them so you can get some support over the weekend?

Pinkheart5915 · 27/08/2016 13:02

I don't see any need for them to know all about the in's and out's of your marriage. If you was to tell them it needs to be the basics only they don't need full details and I wouldn't do it in anger.

DeathAnTaxes · 27/08/2016 13:02

I was such a good mum
I did everything alone

And leaving was the best thing you did as a mum! You should be proud of yourself. Let the kids understand they should be proud of you too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2016 13:03

I also think children can be told the basics.He sounds like a minipulative arsehole, who is likely to poison your children against you. The moral high ground can be a lonely place when faced with a charismatic narcissist. So could you just explain in terms said by Death or BestZebbie*?

Morsecode · 27/08/2016 13:04

At 13 and 9, I would sit them down and tell them exactly what's been going on. They will appreciate the honesty. I suspect the anger stems from the fact that they sense there is more going on than you are telling them.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 27/08/2016 13:05

I agree with MeAndMy3LovelyBoys, they're old enough to understand the basics.

Get copies of any bank statements/savings etc that you can lay your hands on and put them somewhere very safe.

I've pm'ed MNHQ to see if they'll move this to Relationships, AIBU can be very harsh sometimes.

Original poster
GuacamoleHole · 27/08/2016 13:09

Trafalgargal- thank you for saying that.

Am bracing myself for all the rumours and what will be said about me. I won't be standing for any lies and shit. If he tries that on I will share all the screenshots I have of the lying pigs exploits.

I'm fed up- can you tell.

I know I will laugh about this one day.

OP posts:
2kids2dogsnosense · 27/08/2016 13:11

trafalgargal Please don't assume everyone around you believes he's Mr Wonderful , you may be surprised who approaches you when the split becomes known locally . People do see through these kind of people and if someone invites you for coffee etc don't refuse as it may be their non verbal way of showing you support.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS!

You may be surprised to discover how badly people really think of him - could be they've wondered how you stuck it for so long.

Explain to your children but emphasise that he still loves them- even if you have your doubts. As others have said - he is their father and they need to feel that they are important to him.

I hope and pray that you are able to cope with all of this - your H has landed a lot of pain and grief on you, but you are doing the right thing by dumping him - never doubt that for a moment.

SarcasmMode · 27/08/2016 13:14

He's a fucking joke.

I agree with telling children the basics.

Dad hit Mym and Dad has cheated on Mum more than once.

Mum isn't prepared to put up with anymore because it's cruel and nasty.

No emotional damage just honesty.

Not telling them would be worse as Dad can make up a load of shit about why they are no longer together.

jay55 · 27/08/2016 13:21

Your kids already know that he treats you badly. They will be angry but they are already angry that you are treated badly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2016 13:23

Near me, a policeman and his now ex wife split and divorced. I never met him as they split just before the children went to school. The divorce dragged on for a considerable time because apparently he was financially as well as physically abusive. Sooo many people believed the policeman was a model citizen and the woman and her emotionally damaged child were profusely gossiped about by the local "in crowd" mummies. I'm not part of the "in crowd" and by her demeanour, it was plain to see he was physically abusive even if I never saw a bruise. To my knowledge, no one has actively gone and disagreed with the gossips because that person would then also have a target on their backs. As trafalgar says, there will those, who see through your husband's charisma and charm and probably a larger proportion of those, who don't The latter are more likely to gossip IME.

Pisssssedofff · 27/08/2016 13:24

I told mine, no way was I going to take the blame and the kids did want to blame somebody. They still think the sun shines out his Arse no matter what he does to them or me, they are still daddy's little girl 😡

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 27/08/2016 13:28

Adult child here of a father with um, interesting, parenting and marriage skills, in teens when he finally jumped ship.

My DM has never (despite the fact she would be more than justified to) said aloud anything actively critical or negative about him, even to me and sibs as adults, as she respects that we have our own relationship with him and divided loyalty. However she was always factually, unemotionally honest with us, and that helped me survive how he treated us when he lived with us, the break up and trying to form and keep a fairly healthy relationship with an in many ways lovely but extremely challenging man in adulthood. She did not hide the truth, she did not try to paint him as a bad person ever, but she also did not try to paint him as a good man and a good father which would have messed with our trust in her as reality was patently showing something different.

Children of difficult people need help to learn good boundaries. They are in a lifetime relationship with that person, and they develop good boundaries from internalising them from living with someone with good boundaries who is able to talk about and demonstrate them. You've clearly worked very hard to establish your own healthy boundaries and fought for them OP despite all you've had to deal with. You are brilliantly qualified to help your children in this way.

Original poster
GuacamoleHole · 27/08/2016 13:35

Rumbling
That is incredibly know me of you to add your own personal experience. I'm so grateful for this thread and it feels like there's support for me.

If anything I feel very ill equipped but I see light in what you say - heaven knows how I've managed to give the children a happy home and a kind mummy. I hope I stay that way I am developing that hard exterior I will need for the future

OP posts:
Squeegle · 27/08/2016 13:37

Yes, I agree you can tell them some of it and the fact that the way he behaved made it impossible to stay together. But none of the emotional stuff. They need the parent to be strong I think, and it's quite frightening to see the edifice crumble, even if you suspect it's been on shaky foundations for some time

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 27/08/2016 13:46

Hi OP
Sorry to read you're going through this and hope you have RL support as well as MN support
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread to our relationships board, won't you?

breezybeach · 27/08/2016 13:52

I am really impressed by how strong you are being
You are going to get through this it shows
You are amazing

He is a bad husband . He has acted like a pig to you. You need to get rid of him and you know that . You deserve a million times better .

But he is still your kids father . So I am going to suggest could you talk to a counsellor , a trained professional to help you figure out what to tell them ?

I say this because my ex hit me . Ds was very small ( 2 ) when I finally found the courage to end the marriage and I didn't need to explain to him
But he heard it from family years later and it was very damaging for him. Still is. I regret he has that on his plate as he grows up . I felt ignorance might have been kinder for him

I hope you don't feel I am down playing any of it .... . Far from my intention I promise . just that you are clearly a devoted great mum
I am just sharing my own experience for you to possibly consider .

Sending you hugs and strength

Keep posting to let us know how you all are please

MeDownSouth · 27/08/2016 13:52

Nothing to add but wanted to send you Flowers Brew and Cake and to let you know I'm hoping it all works out for you x

FlyingElbows · 27/08/2016 13:58

As the child of divorced patents (in I suspect similar circumstances) my input to you is this... no matter how hurt and angry you are you must remember that your relationship with your husband is not the same as your children's relationship with their father. It just isn't. It's completely unfair to expect children to bear the weight of adult relationships they can't possibly understand. They will feel they weight of your pain as their responsibility and it's not fair. They cant help you and it's not their job to support you. If you place that burden on them you will do serious damage to your relationship with them. Grown up fall outs and grown up behaviours are issues for grown ups. I totally understand your pain but please use other grown ups to support you through this and leave the children be. They'll be angry, they'll be confused, they'll be upset, they'll rage against you but you're their mother, it's your job to support them. Don't throw them headlong into a world they are not even slightly ready to understand.

Clankboing · 27/08/2016 14:00

I agree with the posters who say to be honest in an age appropriate way. I hope that things go well for you. Xx

BlueFolly · 27/08/2016 14:01

I agree that basics of what went wrong is helpful for the kids.

RepentAtLeisure · 27/08/2016 14:19

Can someone explain the mummy martyrdom of 'don't tell, just let them be angry at you and take it on the chin?

Yes!! Apparently it's much more dignified to let your dc's blame you, especially because the ex is usually ready to carry his manipulative behaviour into his parenting and let them blame you as well.

I think it's bollocks that dc's should see their DF as some kind of perfect human being. Because it's a shock when you finally put it together yourself. It's No-Santa x 100. And my dc's went through it too. They were more shattered to work him out as teenagers. I think children are much more accepting of things being as they are.

Flum · 27/08/2016 14:21

In agreement with most kn here. Think you should speak to the chikdren when you are emptionally calm, probably not now. j would be factually correct and explain about the unfaithfulness, and hitting (not sure aI would mention hookers and anal) They will learn that life has consequences. You inky need to talk about it once though and after that just answer questions as simply as possible. The less you say, the less can be thrown back at you at a later date.

I have not been through this but from seeing this happen to friends ai woudl advise you to get your ducks in a row before you pull the trigger on the end of the marriage, both practically and financially (ie locksmith on ready to change locks etc), Money in a personal bank account to see you through, friends in the house to prevent violence. Additionally, get as much evidence against him as you can which will help with the divorce and most importantly the custody issue.

After that keep your own counsel as best you can, try not to air your dirty laundry in public if possible, be a good adult. You will have probably the hardest year or two of your life but It sounds like you will be glad you did it.

lightlygoholly · 27/08/2016 14:25

I don't think you can just change the locks if the house is in his name as well.

Also, despite the facts, the children may still blame you. I'm just letting you know that as a sort of FYI, not saying you're wrong or anything.

Swipe left for the next trending thread