To tell my DC that their cheating dad broke my family up not me for refusing to put up with his behaviour :-(

[GuacamoleHole]

That's it really.

There's a massive backstory but I have two very angry DC right now and will have to sort them out rather than type out tomes

Dh has been a serial arsehole. I've taken him back time after time because I was scared he and his family would take away my children (the PIL have done this twice before with my SIL being sectioned about 5 years ago)

I decided to mentally check out of the whole relationship about 5 years ago.

• got counselling last year(ongoing) medical treatment and got training so I could have skills for a job around the children. The trust was so gone that I started to get very ill- I've tried to have my own separate life in preparation for this time but my H is very charming, has money and a lot of influence- to everyone around us they see him as a wonderful family man and believe the Facebook and Instagram fake dad he really is- they don't see the other side to his social media presence which looks for prostitutes online and trawls his little black book for no strings thrills

I'm so hurt right now. I feel like I've wasted my life. I'm ashamed. I've not told any friends yet but the children know and they are so unhappy. I want to tell them how hard it's been for me and how much their dad has put my sexual,emotional and physical health at risk (he gave me a black eye last year when I snatched his phone off him to find the latest woman he was trying to woo)

What do I do?

I have a solicitor booked for next Wednesday

Age appropriate truth. All the time.

Why should you be the one to blame, when you are the only one to have got th relationship as far as it has come! All he done is to work to destroy it, and you.

Show your dc what's unacceptable in a relationship, how else will they learn?

It's a really tricky one. Sadly my children know some facts as I've been at breaking point once or twice in the past due to his behaviour (lies, failure to pay maintenance etc). I was blamed for moving from a larger house to a smaller one (girls went from big own rooms to a tiny shared one with bunk beds), for them having to move schools (one day before term started he decided to tell me he wouldn't be paying the fees anymore) and for their dad not living with them. I've had to sit them down and explain to them that their dad made the decisions that he did and I had to make ones too. It's do able without mud slinging or damaging them. You can tell them the truth without going into detail or damaging their childhood. Mine will find out soon enough what he's like (he's due to stand trial soon) and whilst none of our break up was their fault, they also need to know that removing yourself from a relationship when it is a bad one is ok. I've been down to my last 10p with a week until I got paid and so I've had to say no to them when they've asked for things - I've worked all the hours I could whilst their dad failed to pay a penny (for a year) in maintenance so I felt ok with telling them that no, despite my selling every item of clothing I could, buying value food, budgeting to within an inch of my life, they couldn't have things because their dad wasn't contribution towards their upkeep. Things don't have to be done in a nasty way, just a brief, unemotional factual way.

Sorry, meant to add that whoever added the 'daddy wanted a gf and you any have a gf and a wife' way of looking at it has it spot on. You can always add the 'mum and dad weren't getting on very well' bit into that.

It's a nightmare - big hugs x

I think you're weirdly focused on the wrong thing. Who cares about the cheating? He hit you and sounds terribly abusive. I'd explain to the kids about abusive relationships (since they've had one modelled to them their entire lives) instead of wasting their time on disgusting stories about anal and prostitutes (that he'll probably deny anyway)

Are you going to walk them through the emails and explain that daddy likes butt sex when he denies it and calls you a liar? No. Then what's the point of even bringing it up?

Stick to the abuse stuff that they've likely seen.

He sounds like a damn psychopath.

Seriously, sit your kids down and explain that you are going to divorce, that it's due to adult stuff and in no way their fault. And then hold your head up and crack on. You can have a fantastic life, you just need to get through the next few years!

The information about the prostitutes was to answer the query about proof for solicitors
I'd never mention that to my children

I might be angry but I'm not entirely stupid in that respect . Please forgive my typos I'm on an ancient phone and not doing a good job with autocorrect

I don't think my H is a Psychopath
He is vain, arrogant, conceited and was raised by vile narcissistic parents so many guess I put my money on the wrong horse that'd he'd turn out ok

Honestly I dont know much about handling this stuff, women's aid could give you lots of advice.

If he's made himself a pillar of community ect I think I would be upping and leaving and going to my parents - yours sound very far from him so even better. I would want to be out of the toxic environment of the town as he sounds like he will publicly destroy you

I agree Rubble

I don't have the means to move.

be truthful without horrifying them.

My kids knew that I left because although ''daddy was nice to them he was mean to mummy''.

Thank you Roob

He's back home saying he has nowhere to go (no idea where he's been staying)

He wants to talk tonight but he got very angry with me by text minimising everything and telling me it was racy flirting and no more and that he will do anything for me.

Poor kids. I've told them he's only staying here for a little while until he can find somewhere else. I'm worried that if I leave with the children I will lose my right to our home.

He's crying a lot and telling me I am his world

What a mess I've made my life.

You haven't made a mess of your life he did by the choices he made that is on him not you.

Tbh in your position I would only let him stay if he has his name either on deeds or tenancy of the house if not he has no legal right and it would only be until I had spoken to a solicitor and checked my legal standing.
As for explaining to the children what had gone on I take deaths view and it is what I had done. My oldest 2 dcs dad cheated on me and hit me we split just before I gave birth to our dc2. Dc1 was only 2 and a half and due to exhs view of our dc2 who has special needs made me make the choice he had to make the choice he saw both or none he chose from that he would not see the children as I don't believe that he should get to pick and choose who he sees fit to have a relationship others may take a different view. I put up with a lot of anger and resentment and discuss take it on the chin until last year when dc1 was 12 and I sat him down and explained that his dad chose to cheat and chose to be aggressive and hit. I told him that neither was acceptable in a respectful and loving relationship and that a child needs to grow up in a house where that is possible even if it means children living with only 1 parent. I may have been lucky but my dc1 accepted this and the anger towards me has gone and if and when the time comes over having contact with his father arises he can make an informed choice of his own.

I should have left the first time.
I'm such a fool.

Now I'm 45 and feel I've bet my best years on a narcissistic, lazy cunt. and of course lost.

It's not always easy to leave you have to be ready to. My last relationship he never got physical but there was a lot of emotional and mental stuff that went on over that time. I came on here asking for advice and got some brilliant support and it was that that made me strong enough to walk away. It isn't easy especially when you feel your on your on your own and I do honestly know how that feels. You have made the choice to end it and that is the first step and will always be the hardest but each step after starts to get easier and easier.
At some point you will get angry at him and that will drive you further forward and that was the biggest turning point for me the angrier I got the more I realised it was him who had made all the choices no one else and it made me determined to make the things I could right.

Being honest with the facts is important. My dn would have had such an awful shock that her dad wasn't the perfect great person if she hadn't been told that he'd been cheating and mum wasn't putting up with it. Only a month after the husband was kicked out he was shacked up full time with the ow, who he claimed not to want and was a 'mistake' whose children were in dn class!

Those children had found out about the affair before my aunt did hence why the shit confessed in the first place.

Sadly my friend found out what an emotionally abusive husband her father had been years after she had been the target of it. Before it had been her mum and she'd not wanted to bias or tar her daughters image of her dad, noble in one sense but then her daughter wasn't armed enough to recognise or believe it when he did it to her.

You are not a fool at all. Try not to think about lost years, think about the freedom and chances you'll gain.

Be prepared for him to up the anti. He's already flitting from emotional abuse and minimising the situation to breaking down and begging you to give him another chance. Very manipulating behaviour. And no, he can bloody leave. I agree.

Yes Mummy I'm used to it.
I'm hoping my parents will be able to support me for those first few weeks.
I've always been scared of the alternative but I'm more scared of a future with him and a future wasted now. It's taken a long while to come to the end of my rope but I'm so close now.

Great your parents are there for you. You're not that old you know - plenty of time for happiness with a decent man or on your own. Only you know when you're ready. The faster you distance your children from him, the less likely they'll turn out like him. I'm sure you know this stuff.

The best years are ahead of you. You have survived everything he has put you through and you are still strong enough to finish it. You will be strong enough to get through this and there are happier times ahead. If you have to stay in the same area, don't assume everyone will take his side. There will be those who aren't interested in taking sides, those who assume you must have had good reasons that you choose not to share, and those who just see a single mum or a pleasant person.

You had to grow up when he and I were together
You are grown up
I have now grown up enough to realise he and I cannot be together
We are now the grownups
onwards without looking back

Thank you

So sorry for you OP. You are doing so well, and I wish you every bit of future happiness in the world.