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Original poster

To tell my DC that their cheating dad broke my family up not me for refusing to put up with his behaviour :-(

158 replies

GuacamoleHole · 27/08/2016 12:24

That's it really.

There's a massive backstory but I have two very angry DC right now and will have to sort them out rather than type out tomes

Dh has been a serial arsehole. I've taken him back time after time because I was scared he and his family would take away my children (the PIL have done this twice before with my SIL being sectioned about 5 years ago)

I decided to mentally check out of the whole relationship about 5 years ago.

  • got counselling last year(ongoing) medical treatment and got training so I could have skills for a job around the children. The trust was so gone that I started to get very ill- I've tried to have my own separate life in preparation for this time but my H is very charming, has money and a lot of influence- to everyone around us they see him as a wonderful family man and believe the Facebook and Instagram fake dad he really is- they don't see the other side to his social media presence which looks for prostitutes online and trawls his little black book for no strings thrills

I'm so hurt right now. I feel like I've wasted my life. I'm ashamed. I've not told any friends yet but the children know and they are so unhappy. I want to tell them how hard it's been for me and how much their dad has put my sexual,emotional and physical health at risk (he gave me a black eye last year when I snatched his phone off him to find the latest woman he was trying to woo)

What do I do?

I have a solicitor booked for next Wednesday

OP posts:
DollyBarton · 30/08/2016 17:25

This man has done a real number on you and you will beat him and win by getting your life up and running independently and getting your happiness back. Don't let him drag you down to wallow in spite and regret.

Separately, your children should not be dragged into this beyond the fact that you and your ex can no longer live together. You do yourself the ultimate disservice trying to justify yourself to your children. The MOST you can say is that you have your own reasons that are important but not for discussion with anyone except your ex. Do not bad mouth him to them! They need to be protected from the things he did at this age, none of it is appropriate for them to know about in general let alone about their own father. If he behaves well as a father then that is all they need to see and know.

Be strong and keep your head up. It must seem desperately unfair for him to swan around like he's a good man when you know what he has really done to you. But you will come out the other end and must have your integrity in tact.

Original poster
GuacamoleHole · 31/08/2016 09:16

Olivia I hadn't thought of that-thank you.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 31/08/2016 10:13

Never forgiven his mum for bad mouthing his dad 😳
Well that just says it all about what's wrong with the world. A man can destroy a family using hookers but gosh the woman must never speak the truth about it for fear of her child's wrath. Fucking hell.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 31/08/2016 12:59

It's a bit more complicated than that, pissed and dh certainly didn't condone his father's behaviour. In fact, they didn't speak for a while. But his mother shared information about their marriage which no-one should have to hear about their parents. It was emotionally abusive of her and as a result, dh has a rocky relationship with her.

Of course my Mil was understandably very upset and angry about the break up of the marriage but she should have sounded off to a friend or a counsellor, not her teenage son. All my dh needed to know was that his father had been unfaithful - he really didn't need graphic details.

Pisssssedofff · 31/08/2016 13:51

Victim blaming much

mimishimmi · 31/08/2016 22:45

I think that you could tell them he's hurt you a lot without going into the nitty-gritty details. They'll figure it out when they are older, let them have a few more years of seeing their Dad through rose-tinted glasses. It could make the separation and divorce go more smoothly whereas if you tell them all of this now, they are likely to be surly with him and he will make things harder for you. So sorry this is happening to you - I know exactly the type of guy you mean (I call them GWOTter's) - they are nearly all involved in that 'industry'.

NNChangeAgain · 31/08/2016 23:02

Victim blaming much

Infidelity is not a crime. It is morally wrong, and hurts others, but it is not illegal.

It is perfectly possible to be a cheating spouse, and a good, loving and successful parent. The two are not mutually exclusive.

OP - Trust your child to make their own decisions about their father. If he is a good father, they will benefit from that, even though he has hurt you. If he is a poor father, as well as a poor husband, they will soon work that out for themselves. But they do not see the man you see, nor should they - it's important that they receive what they need from him, despite his infidelity towards you.

Pisssssedofff · 01/09/2016 09:15

NN - I'm sorry but I disagree, you can't be a bad person and a good parent.

NNChangeAgain · 01/09/2016 10:02

I'm sorry but I disagree, you can't be a bad person and a good parent.

Blimey. I cannot claim to have lived a faultless life - but I know that doesn't make me a crap parent.

Whatever happened to disliking the behaviour, not the person? Or does that only apply to children?

Do you screen your friends and colleagues for past misdemeanours? How do you exclude "bad people" from your DC's lives?

What would you do if your own DC cheated? Would you condemn them as a bad person and strive to keep them away from their own DC's?

Pisssssedofff · 01/09/2016 10:49

I wouldn't keep away from them no, but my opinion of them would change for the worse. It's not the act of adultery that's the end of the world, it's the fall out and I'm sorry but that is bad parenting putting what is basically sexual desire before your child's happiness. The kids didn't ask to be born.

NNChangeAgain · 01/09/2016 11:02

You could use that argument about many things - SAH/WOH choices, relocation, separation without infidelity, taking part in high risk activities, even choosing to continue with a pregnancy without a partner. n each case, parents are putting their own desires ahead of their DC's happiness.

Choices parents make about their own lives ALWAYS impact on the children - that doesn't make them bad parents. Singling out infidelity suggests that you are projecting.

Pisssssedofff · 01/09/2016 11:10

Maybe, I just see the damage its done. Ex husbands father was a serial philander and now his son is too, both worked their way through at least two families each. Will they ever be happy? Don't give ash it tbh, do I want yo stop my son replicating, you bet I do. How do you break that cycle ?

NNChangeAgain · 01/09/2016 11:48

The cycle is broken by both parents continuing to parent effectively and successfully despite their differences.

Pisssssedofff · 01/09/2016 12:13

Not convinced sorry. If a person is so fundamentally selfish, they cannot parent effectively, they refuse to because their happiness is paramount. Long after the split and divorce they continue to put themselves first, that is the very nature of cheaters, you read it on many many threads on mn

Pisssssedofff · 01/09/2016 12:14

I haven't kept the DC from him - he'd bloody love that - all his dreams come true and he can be the victim, boom !

I do wonder if the kids would be better off for it if I did though.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 06/09/2016 11:57

Pisssssedofff

You seem a bit irrational. Cheating is bad but so are plenty of things. Cheating does not make you are bad parent. In fact, it's indicative of skewed priorities on the OP's part that she sees the cheating as worse than the abuse.

The children are being damaged much more by being brought up with an abusive father than by the marriage breaking down over cheating.

You'd break the cycle through therapy and self awareness. That's about it.

SomeonesRealName · 07/09/2016 12:40

Cheating is abuse. I see no distinction between my ex husbands cheating and the other forms of abuse he subjected me to. There's no skewed priorities that I can see it's up to OP which abusive behaviour she experienced as worst. And as well as being abuse, cheating is fraud.

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/09/2016 14:11

Yes, tell them the truth. Do it matter of factly, not emotionally. Explain why and what but don't go into the extremely gruesome details, it could cause trauma to them to know the exact details, just overview but truthful. They do need to know his role in causing this terrible situation. At the same time, he is their father and they can love him as their father but still be aware of his awful issues. It is not fair to you otherwise. To hide from them what he does would be an extreme injustice to you and in the long run, to them.

Good luck to you, op, with you all the way.

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/09/2016 14:31

Pisssssedofff Wed 31-Aug-16 10:13:30
Never forgiven his mum for bad mouthing his dad 😳
Well that just says it all about what's wrong with the world. A man can destroy a family using hookers but gosh the woman must never speak the truth about it for fear of her child's wrath. Fucking hell.

Well said. You have a strong sense of justice. You deserve to be heard. Also well said to SomeonesRealName

True healing for victims comes when justice and truth have their say. It is not right for the victim to be told to keep silent. Continue speaking up, Pisssssedofff

NNChangeAgain · 07/09/2016 14:46

I see no distinction between my ex husbands cheating and the other forms of abuse he subjected me to.

does it put your DCs at risk? If not, why do they need to know?

Their relationship with their dad is not enmeshed with yours. While you may have been subject to infidelity that you consider abuse, your DCs are entitled to form their own opinion of their dad, not one based on your experience of him as a person.

If he abuses them, then that is the time that their opinion of him is influenced. And of course, if there is a risk of abuse, then they should be protected from that.

LittleBeautyBelle · 07/09/2016 15:45

does it put your DCs at risk? If not, why do they need to know?

They are at risk and to say otherwise is a lie. They need to know because his behavior has affected the family unit adversely to say the least, causing division with his lies and double life. He is the cause of all the disharmony and problems. Abusing, cheating, and lying to the person you're married to is a big deal. You may not think so, but perhaps you're projecting yourself? People who cheat and lie will of course stand with others who do it. If your wife can't trust you, then really no one can. If a man will lie to his wife, (and it works the other way too) he will lie to anyone, including his children, to benefit himself. His lies benefit himself, that is what is wrong with this scenario and that he is untrustworthy. It is unjust to pressure the victim of the lying and abuse to remain silent to the children. They deserve to know the truth. There are consequences to lying and cheating whether it's adultery or cheating on a test or lying in other situations.

nancyblackett80 · 07/09/2016 15:45

Agree with PP that being a bad spouse can't be easily separated from being a bad parent. Its the same in many walks of life regrettably, and many personal circumstances will be different but you can't fuck up one area of your life and not expect it affect other parts.

Keith Vaz this morning probably thinks he's a pretty good MP and his evening activities shouldn't reflect on his job but that life I'm afraid.

I always wonder about couples in the news where they stay together after one or the other has neglected the child. Being a bad parent = surely they're a poor spouse?

If you fuck up being a husband / wife it takes a lot of work (and inclination) on both sides to not have that fuck up being a parent too.

Disclaimer : I've fucked up loads of stuff in the past! So not being holier than thou...

NNChangeAgain · 07/09/2016 15:50

they are at risk and to say otherwise is a lie

Ok, so following that through then, a DC should never be in the sole care of a parent who has committed adultery.

It should be disclosed on all DBS applications and in any 'Sarah's Law' disclosures.

It should be grounds for a DC to be subject to a care order.

Pisssssedofff · 07/09/2016 16:35

The behaviour displayed by cheaters, is often a risk to children, not on the same level that they need care orders etc but the selfishness and the inability to put the kids first is definitely a red flag and should be taken more seriously by the courts. Mine parked his 11 year old in a cafe and went out of sight to be with the OW for a coffee. If I'd done that HE would have gone batshit, just little things but they add up to being unable to put the kids before their cock, it's not good.

SomeonesRealName · 07/09/2016 19:26

does it put your DCs at risk? If not, why do they need to know?

Damn right it does. Their father is capable of a serious degree of abuse. Let's say I cover up the fact of the affair, maintaining a pretense that I broke up the family for trivial reasons. Then XH pulls some horrible scam and rips them off as young adults taking advantage of their trust. I've basically failed in my duty of care by withholding the material fact of his poor character and readiness to abuse and exploit people who love him.