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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree with his choice

169 replies

ShinyDiscoBalls · 26/08/2016 22:29

My nan sadly passed away last year, and left a substantial amount of money to myself and younger brother. After initially spending a large amount on home improvements and our soon to be born DS (who is now 6 months) we decided to put the rest away to help out in the future and while I was off work after maternity leave.
My DH is currently doing a post grad qualification at uni as well as working full time, and has the option of doing a masters next year. The qualification has been paid for by work, however the masters must be paid by himself. Basically he wants me to use my nan's money to fund his masters.
I feel selfish saying no, as I feel it should be 'our' money with us being married. We have a fantastic relationship and I want him to be happy, but I also feel he's being a bit mean expecting us to use the money for himself.

There are a lot of things I would have spent the money on had I been single, but I'm not, and I felt the money was best saved for our family. AIBU??

OP posts:
HTD2013 · 28/08/2016 18:53

If he isn't going to use the masters in his job why is he doing it? If he was going to use it and it would improve something for the family.... Better job, more salary, bigger house, move areas then ok, but why spend that amount of money on something that isn't going to help the family. That said education is important and if he just wants to study that shouldn't be discouraged but maybe he could pay for that?

I recently was bought out of a shared ownership of a house. It was a substantial amount. My husband has been trying to finish some courses for his work for ages and we've never really been able to get him to do them due to taking time off work or expense or both. So in June he quit his job, finished last week (2 months notice) and is going to do his courses back to back (8modules) between September and December. He is paying for 2 months living expenses, I am paying for 2 and I'm paying for his courses too. I see that money as mine, it was inheritance and has always been in my mind there to buy a property with. But I see him doing these courses as an improvement to our family situation. He will have the opportunity to have a better job, more time off, same or better salary. to me it's money well spent and we have agreed that when he gets his new job we will save a proportion of his salary every month to put that money back into the pot. We're talking £30k in total. He's my husband and we are in Thai together. He has supported me financially since before we got married and paid for the wedding and pays for everything now I am not working and raising our kids so j don't see it as something I should resent.

Original poster
ShinyDiscoBalls · 28/08/2016 19:00

That's the thing HTD, I'm not going to be going straight back to work following the end of my maternity leave, so he would be supporting me as well until I go back to work

So with regards to taking out a loan, I'm not sure if adding further debt is something I'm keen on. He is currently still paying off his student loan from when he did his degree, so obviously taking out another loan would mean more repayments based on someone else's terms. Where as if he's paying me back, if there's a month he's a bit short I can tell him to pay less back into the savings

That's my logic anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
ShinyDiscoBalls · 28/08/2016 19:01

I'm so conflicted in what to do Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
ShinyDiscoBalls · 28/08/2016 19:04

Yes cheese exactly, we have a solid relationship, and that is what is leaning me towards saying yes. I think to be honest it's a case of my heart saying yes and my head is still hesitant

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 28/08/2016 19:33

I would consider having a discussion about properly merging finances, especially as he's wanting about 6 and a half grand of your inheritance (over a quarter?) for his car and his education, and you won't be working for a while.

He won't be 'supporting' you by the way, you'll have made a joint decision that it will be nice for your dc to have a SAHP for however long.

TeacupDrama · 28/08/2016 19:46

you really must put away some as a rainy day fund for yourselves a minimum of 3 months living costs preferably 6 , you should do this before saving any money for DS as if you desperately needed it and you have put it separate for DS you can't use it. it is much better for DS that his parents have financial security to keep a roof over his head etc so you are not 1 pay packet away from problems than that he has a nest egg for later

if you have after masters 11.5K left i would just save it for the time being it's not like an inheritance comes along often

ToFindAndWakeTheDreamer · 28/08/2016 19:52

It isn't the 90s. Any spare money needs to be saved for the future of your DC and for your retirement.

nocoolnamesleft · 28/08/2016 20:05

I'm going to go against the majority here: I think it probably is a good investment. Because you say his job isn't that secure. If it were secure, given that he isn't that keen on pursuing promotion, then there wouldn't be much point. But when they're looking to lay people off, they're just that bit more likely to keep the staff with qualifications that look good. And if he did lose his job, having had the commitment and drive (it's bloody hard work to complete a masters whilst working full time!) to do the masters is likely to make him look more employable, next to an otherwise similar applicant who hasn't.

My masters hasn't brought me (much) more money. But it helped me get the job I wanted. Because it looked good. It's helped get some idiot managers off my back, as it was clear I not only knew more on the topic than they did, but could prove it. And has probably helped keep the department open thus far, which given I don't want to be job hunting...

Original poster
ShinyDiscoBalls · 28/08/2016 20:05

You're right teacup - I might just put like 1,500 in an account for DS to start something off for him and I can always keep adding to it I suppose. And yes I think the rest we shall save

OP posts:
Original poster
ShinyDiscoBalls · 28/08/2016 20:07

I don't know any of my friends my age who have 10k of savings and own their own home so I guess we are still in a very good position

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 28/08/2016 20:25

What's mine is DH's and vice versa
But this sounds more like - what is her DH's is his and what is hers is also his.

PersianCatLady · 28/08/2016 20:26

I didn't want to say this because it sounds a bit negative but what would happen if after he has done his masters, you were to split up?

Original poster
ShinyDiscoBalls · 28/08/2016 20:37

In all honesty if that happened I think I'd have more to worry about haha! I suppose I have to hope with a young baby that isn't going to happen any time soon persian

OP posts:
Secretmetalfan · 28/08/2016 20:39

If it won't be used to further his career he is basically asking for tge cash for his hobby. Would he be happy to use the money to pay for your gym fees or something

AyeAmarok · 28/08/2016 21:17

Why doesn't he fund it with a loan initially. Interest rates are low now.

Then when (if) he finishes it and gets a better paid job, you can pay it off then and he can then top up the savings.

Honestly, I think you need to rethink this one.

PersianCatLady · 28/08/2016 21:28

In all honesty if that happened I think I'd have more to worry about haha
Obviously you would have more to worry about but I think that it is very strange the way in which it seems like he is trying to spend all of your inheritance.

Obviously I don't know you or him so I only know what I have read here and the reality may be quite different from what I am imaging.

pollymere · 29/08/2016 00:18

I funded my Masters first...but I did fund my husband's which he did part time. He already had a PhD so I was grumpy but it made him really happy and he now has a job which he enjoys using his new found skills. He also has much better life work balance so I did benefit eventually. You'll need to allow about ten grand for it though! You're not being unreasonable wanting to use the money for other things but once you've discussed how you feel, I personally wouldn't stand in his way. If you're like me, it's more about the assumption rather than what he wants the money for.

pollymere · 29/08/2016 00:23

P.s. I did a part-time masters whilst being a stay at home mum to my baby DD through the OU. Do it! :) It helped me keep my brain going and get an excellent job once my daughter was old enough...

user1470269632 · 29/08/2016 01:20

It depends what his age is. For people who turn 50, and haven't paid off their students loan, it's a set written off. The loan is only paid back at a relatively low rate once you're earning £21,000. That is currently the situation for undergraduates. So basically,
If you do a degree or post grad now the above rules apply.
However, they've only just introduced a loan with the same principles for a post grad now.
They are in the near future (I heard next year) that then the same rules will apply to masters.
I've been looking into doing a post grad myself and as I'm of a certain age 😉 the above is very relevant to me.
Have a look at '^money saving expert^on Google.
Another point is regarding redundancies. When an employer has to make redundancies they have to factor in a number of points, to enable them to answer any questions before an Industrial Tribunal, by any disgruntled employee, and be in a position to defend why they made y redundant but not z. Things such as length of.employment and qualifications are things that are taken into consideration as well as other factors, including whether the role is then considered to be defunct and whether that person can be deployed elsewhere.
Citizens Advice should be able to give you the relevant information too and is worth visiting. It's often worth making an appointment as they do tend to get busy. Then you'll be put with the most knowledgable volunteer in that particular area of knowledge; employment law.
I hope that helps and gives you a few pointers.😊

Original poster
ShinyDiscoBalls · 29/08/2016 04:25

Thanks user and polly - we are both 28 so not sure what rules apply to us!
That was going to be my plan, to do a part time masters while DS was young and while I wasn't working full time, so hopefully in the next two years most likely

OP posts:
GoLightlyHollie · 29/08/2016 11:44

No I don't think it should be used to fund his masters. That's your inheritance. not his. If I inherited money, I'd expect it would be either spent on the family or children, not him. I'd expect the same if the situation was reversed

AyeAmarok · 29/08/2016 11:53

If I left inheritance to my granddaughter, I'd leave it with the expectation that she would use it for either herself, or something for the family including her DC.

So I'd like to think it could be used for a house deposit (if renting) or a move or home improvements/extention if they already own to make it more comfortable. Or an amazing family holiday. Or if she had debts that she was struggling with, this would give her a fresh start. That sort of thing.

A new car for her husband, I'd be a bit hmm about but if that's the family car then that would be a bit better.

But giving it to her husband for him to do a vanity project? I'd be less happy about that.

Not that you give gifts with tentacles or have any say once it's given, I'm just saying what I would have imagined it being used for when I gave it.

Also, you're more likely to put the effort in to additional study if you have some skin in the game yourself. Ie, you have something to lose if you don't get your finger out and do the assignment/whatever. He wouldn't have that motivation. So I really suggest he takes out a loan the way normal people do, at least at first.

cheeseismydownfall · 29/08/2016 15:34

Is he hardworking? Supportive? Does his fair share with the baby and around the house? Does he care about your ambitions, too? Does he want the best for his family and put them first? Basically, is he a good partner to you?

If he does, then personally I think you should absolutely agree that together you are going to use part of this inheritance to fund his masters. There is a good possibility it will be a genuinely good investment at some point in the future, and either way if this is a really important goal for him then I think you should show him that you support and belive in him. If you tell him that you don't think he is worth it, then what message is that sending? That you don't trust him, don't have confidence in him?

However, if he is not interested in your goals, if he's the kind of guy who starts things and never finishes them, if he'sa bit lazy and a bit selfish - well then obviously you shouldn't be enabling him to the detriment of your own goals and that of your child. Although if this is the case you have bigger issues than whether to fund his masters.

It sounds like he falls into the first category though.

Original poster
ShinyDiscoBalls · 29/08/2016 16:26

Cheese he does fall into the first category. He's a fantastic husband, and that was my issue, that I didn't want to seem selfish and unsupportive.

I'm sure he will support me when the tables turn and I want to further my education, and we can both hope that investing in his education will be worthwhile for our future as a family

It's a difficult decision, and I've heard so many arguments for and against. But essentially I have to be positive, don't I?

OP posts:
DontMindMe1 · 29/08/2016 17:08

OP, i think you're falling into that trap of always pleasing others to the detriment of yourself. why are you passively accepting second place/best on everything? I think secretly he would think I was being mean and unreasonable
So you're scared you're going to 'lose' him if you said no?

with him being the main earner I suppose we see his job as the more important one Both your careers/jobs are equally important - doesn't really matter who earns the most.

DH career: Employers have funded his 'career boost'. He hasn't started earning more as a result of this yet so you don't know how much value it actually has. By his own admittance he doesn't want to take on jobs with more responsibility/earning capacity etc - so why do it then? he just wants to 'look good'....so you are now funding his 'ego boost'. Hmm

He doesn't need the masters nor does he need to do it right now for the fun of it.....Especially when I'm sacrificing that I've always wanted to do a masters myself, which he knows

Have you actually discussed this properly? Why aren't you putting yourself first? Your dh isn't doing it because he'd concentrate on himself. your career prospects/training and the planning of it needs to be a point of discussion. Surely, it makes more sense for you to do your masters whilst a sahp or around pt work, and he supports you with childcare/chores etc til you can go ft? Also, he can use this time to put his studying into action and get a better paying job - but he's already told you he doesn't want a better paying job if it means more responsibility and doing things he doesn't like Hmm

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