To not agree with his choice

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

My nan sadly passed away last year, and left a substantial amount of money to myself and younger brother. After initially spending a large amount on home improvements and our soon to be born DS (who is now 6 months) we decided to put the rest away to help out in the future and while I was off work after maternity leave.
My DH is currently doing a post grad qualification at uni as well as working full time, and has the option of doing a masters next year. The qualification has been paid for by work, however the masters must be paid by himself. Basically he wants me to use my nan's money to fund his masters.
I feel selfish saying no, as I feel it should be 'our' money with us being married. We have a fantastic relationship and I want him to be happy, but I also feel he's being a bit mean expecting us to use the money for himself.

There are a lot of things I would have spent the money on had I been single, but I'm not, and I felt the money was best saved for our family. AIBU??

[DontMindMe1]

if there's a month he's a bit short I can tell him to pay less back into the savings....That's my logic anyway!

it's a case of my heart saying yes and my head is still hesitant

I suppose your head is still hesitant because it thinks you haven't actually looked at the details?

How much is dh take-home pay each month when you go on mat leave? How much will be left over after essential outgoings? Will you have your own 'personal spends' each? Or will you end up dipping into your savings to pay for your car/hobbies etc?

i think if he's paying you back out of 'family' money and not 'personal' money - then you're essentially 'giving' him the money and replacing it from your own pocket

[cheeseismydownfall]

It isn't easy and I understand your reservations. But at the end of the day, though, 3.5k, while a lot of money, probably isn't a long-term life changing sum, but it is enough to grant a loving partner a shot st something he really wants to do. If he IS a good partner, I'm sure he will happily repay your faith in him by supporting you (emotionally and financially) once the tables are turned and you are ready to continue your own studies.

On the other hand, it may be hard for him to throw his heartfelt enthusiasm behind your future study if he feels that he missed out on his chance because you didn't "allow" him? I hope I'm not a horribly entitled person, but I think I would struggle not to feel a bit of resentment if I were in this position as your DH.

[cheeseismydownfall]

Also, I think in a healthy marriage, it is great to put your partner first at least most of the time. Because if it really is a good marriage, they will be doing exactly the same for you. Which surely is better than a partnership where it's each for their own?

[Deadsouls]

What about a career development loan?

[PersianCatLady]

I didn't want to seem selfish and unsupportive
OP, you definitely don't seem selfish or unsupportive but I think that the fact that he didn't mention anything about doing this masters until after you had given him £3,000 towards his brand new car does make him seem a little bit selfish.

[Dozer]

Cheese, it's by no means clear that OP's H puts her first: quite the contrary.

[DontMindMe1]

I would struggle not to feel a bit of resentment if I were in this position as your DH

after OP has spent her money on doing up the house AND getting him a new car?
Does he feel resentful that OP has bought herself a 2nd hand car - and she's the one who will be ferrying dc around...or will he swap cars?

I feel it's more about the timing than the 3k itself. This is the best time for OP to do her masters - so why does his 'want' have to come first?
Why can't he put his masters off by a couple of years and support OP's studying - after all she is the one taking the 'career hit'?

OP has already supported him this far in his studying, picking up the extra slack etc. With a baby on the way it's a no brainer that OP will need some extra help from him. Those 'study session' times could be the only precious hours OP gets to herself once dc is here.



Relationships are about give and take....so far dh seems to be taking a lot very quickly and won't be able to 'give' as much if he's also studying for his masters.

[usernamealreadytaken]

I think I'm going a little against popular opinion, here, but a couple of things occur to me; if the shoe was on the other foot and OP was asking advice re DH who was reluctant to help fund her education in order to better herself (whether financially, emotionally or mentally), we'd all be vigorously encouraging her to LTB if he was selfish enough to deny her the possibility, wouldn't we?

My second point is a bit more about financial planning; it is my personal opinion that, although a safety net of some savings is really important, I would not have savings unless they were paying a higher interest rate than any debt (except student loan, that is the one exception). If you have savings paying, say, 1.5% and car finance costing around 6-7%, then you are far worse off than if you paid off the loan and replenished the savings with the considerably more money that you'd not be paying out in car payments - that's obviously academic if you've been savvy enough to get a car on 0% finance (without the initial cost being ramped up!) - it's so flipping complicated, it's no wonder money is the cause of so many problems.

At the end of the day, do what's right to keep your family (all of it!) happy and balanced. Is DH likely to receive any inheritance in the future? How will that be 'shared'?

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

I honestly don't know what to do. There are so many arguments for and against. DH is due a small inheritance and we've discussed briefly that we would probably enjoy a family holiday and then pay a chunk of our mortgage off.

Yes I do have the second hand car and he has a brand new one, but that's only because I have only just passed my test and certainty didn't want to risk damaging a jazzy new car

We discussed that now isn't the right time for me to do my masters as he is already doing a qualification alongside work so I don't think both of us studying at present is the best way forward. My plan was to wait until DS is older and slightly less dependant (perhaps a bit naive of me!)

I really am against taking out more loans. We both have our student loans already, and I see no point in gaining more debt when we could avoid that.

But yes, it does seem I'm putting DH before myself in this situation

[BillSykesDog]

I agree user, and this is all falling into the familiar MN trope of all money a man has belongs to the family unit as a whole, but any money the woman has is hers alone. It's very tiresome.

[murmuration]

Actually, with further information, I'd reverse my stance - it does seem that now is the best time for OP's DH to do the Masters, and she's already said it's not for her but might be in a few years. Him doing a Masters later will both be more effort for him and more money than it is now, as an 'add on' to something else. And it now seems like he is thinking of it as professional development - 6 years on, but still something easier to get 'in the bag' now than coming up with some £9K a few years on to start a new program. It's a bit less cut-and-dried than degree=promotion+more income, but it's not completely a vanity project either. So if it's something you both agree to for the benefit of the family, the putting back into the pot from family money over the next years could be looked at as equivalent to saving up from family money for this benefit to the family, just that it's easier and cheaper for him to get the qualification now.

[LittleBeautyBelle]

My instinct on this is to say NO. You've already used a large part of it for home improvements and your newborn. Both of which should also be half your husbands responsibility yet you paid all from your inheritance. Ok fine. Then you both decided the rest would go in savings for when you can stay home with the baby. Ok. Now, your dh decides he wants to use it to pay for his masters. Nope, he needs to pay for it himself. If anything, you should use it to further your own goals. He is taking advantage and is being selfish but trying to guilt you as if you are. Say no. Don't give in, he won't love or respect you for being a doormat. Don't feel guilty.

[LittleBeautyBelle]

You also bought him a car? Ok...

I think you should further your own education while stay at home with the baby. Do it now. Dont wait. I think he is trying to squeeze every opportunity he can to utilize your inheritance for his own benefit. Not saying he's not a good husband but just saying you should stand up for yourself.

[user1470269632]

There have been some changes on funding and loans on post grad degrees that have have only just been introduced for this academic year. The terms are mentioned on Money Saving Expert. It's anticipated that it'll be extended to Masters in the not too distant future. I can't remember if that bit is mentioned in the MSE website. But I'm sure that's the case. He'll pay it off at a low interest rate until he reaches 50, where upon the debt is wiped off clean. So it's really worth taking this into account.

Another concern you mention are redundancies. When making people redundancies the employer has to be in a position to argue to Industrial Tribunal as to why the employer has made redundant x but not y. The employer has to decide and prove that they've tried to redeploy x elsewhere within the company. If they were to make x redundant and not y. They literally draw/ make up a list of pros and cons. The pros can be length of service, level to which they're qualified, time off and any other relevant factors they choose, would should be deemed reasonable in the event of an Inducteial Tribunal I know my SIL escaped a redundancy because she had a degree and the others didn't.

So you need to consider the above when deciding whether to use your nan's money and also your ages. Particularly yours, when you decide to do further qualifications vs. your ages and pay level/type of job. If you go back it's difficult to find well paid jobs that ft in with your family commitments, child care cost vs. pay and how much you'll be left over with after tax, etc. Especially childcare costs if you have more than one child! I know the cost of childcare, despite tax credits, childcare costs an arm and a leg! Not literally though😂.
How much of a difference could it make in terms of a pay rise if he had this qualification and he was promoted to a level to which he feels that he'd be able to cope too? I ask, because any pay rises make give you all a better quality of life. Mind you, seeing as though he's effectively paying for a car 'on tick', he's bound to be paying a considerable amount extra in terms of interest. In the event of a pay rise, I may well be inclined to pay expensive debts off first. Also maybe increase your mortgage repayments, too. We did the later and in hindsight, thank goodness we did, because although we had critical life cover, when I developed MS, that paid of some of the mortgage, but we'd also been paying off a little extra off each month. Thank goodness, because I had to give up work seven years ago. My husband has now also had to retire prematurely last October too, to become my carer. Carer's only get paid about £68 or so; not enough when one of your DC is at uni, by a long stretch. Student finance will only give you money based on last year's earnings so that makes life a little tricky. Thankfully, I've also been a saver during my life! 😉. One never knows what is around the corner in life and it does tend to chuck the odd spanner into people's lives. I have to admit that I am a real worrier about money and it's a considerable relief that we now own our house outright. Feels really weird actually, when I look at our house whenever I'm going off somewhere and glance back to check for open windows (only when O/H is driving, of course!😳😂) in a good way, actually!
So yes, there are many factors to consider, almost certainly more than many people realise, because of my own valid experiences.
I'd be inclined to make it clear that if he goes ahead with this qualification, that he's 100% committed and isn't doing it at the expense of happiness and stress levels. (Yes, I did a degree with kids, a job and running the house single handed, looking after a dying very close relative, etc. It was very stressful, but oh boy, it's had a huge effect upon my self esteem! - it is incredibly hard work and often I'd sit down at 10pm to start my own work, having finished all my chores. Then I'd work until about 4am. Then d get up at 7am to get myself and two children, ready and fed, to two different schools about two miles apart and myself to work all in fifteen minutes! Yes, that was stressful too, to say the least! I forgot what a TV looked like and as for a social life...hahahaha...what?!
I too, came into a sum of money from my nan too. We went on an unforgettable family holiday that the kids still talk about now, a new kitchen and just for me, because I know my nan wanted one to hand down to me but was vetoed by someone else, an expensive well known brand of watch. I wear it all the time and every time I look at it, it reminds me of her, and truly cherish it.
Sorry to ramble...but so much for you to consider that may not have even crossed you mind. 😀 I have to say though, that apart from the skanky MS, I'm really happy and enjoying my life. 😀😀😀

[Cabrinha]

Probably already asked, but why aren't you just selling the flashy new car and buying a 10 year old perfectly decent reliable Focus for £1K, funding the Masters and saving money in total?

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

Thanks User There is a lot there to think about. If he applied for the team leader position he has got his eye on in a few years it is potentially another 6k a year extra which is definitely worth considering.

You do seem to be happy and have achieved a lot so good on you!

We can't sell the car cabrinha as it is on finance, plus that wasn't just DHs idea, when we got it I wasn't driving so was happy to get a new family car. We thought it would probably be the only time we would ever get a brand new car do decided to go for it

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

The point about redundancies is very relevant, as there is DH himself and another employee doing the same role at present in his team. And DH would be the only one out of the two of them with a masters

[DontMindMe1]

you CAN sell a car on finance - ring your finance company. All you need to get from them is a 'settlement' quote and as long as you can get back at least that amount - or near enough - it's worth it.

or he can part exchange it for a smaller car and you guys can pocket the difference.

Or...you can make lump sum payments to either reduce the monthly rental or the length of the contract.

Might also be a good idea to have yourself added on as an 'authorised 3rd party' on his finance account - it it isn't in your name - so you can discuss the account with the company.

There's only one type of contract that wouldn't give you all the above benefits but salesmen rarely like to offer those unless you ask for them!

[mixety]

So the inheritance has so far gone on:

• home improvements, some of which you wanted and some of which you didn't really and were persuaded by DH into doing
  

• Your DS
  

• a car for DH
  

I think its unreasonable for your DH to suggest spending the rest of the inheritance on something that is essentially just for him. Hes already had the car and certain home improvements that weren't important to you.

Nothing to do with whose money it is or isn't. Technically it is family money and so far he already seems to have had more benefit of it than anyone else, I am surprised he is pushing for even more.