To not agree with his choice

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

My nan sadly passed away last year, and left a substantial amount of money to myself and younger brother. After initially spending a large amount on home improvements and our soon to be born DS (who is now 6 months) we decided to put the rest away to help out in the future and while I was off work after maternity leave.
My DH is currently doing a post grad qualification at uni as well as working full time, and has the option of doing a masters next year. The qualification has been paid for by work, however the masters must be paid by himself. Basically he wants me to use my nan's money to fund his masters.
I feel selfish saying no, as I feel it should be 'our' money with us being married. We have a fantastic relationship and I want him to be happy, but I also feel he's being a bit mean expecting us to use the money for himself.

There are a lot of things I would have spent the money on had I been single, but I'm not, and I felt the money was best saved for our family. AIBU??

[LyraMortalia]

If he wanted to do a master's he shouldn't have got a new car. Tie the money up for five years and spend it on your own masters that will benefit the family just as much as his. If he was tsp inheritance to be shared then all finances should already be shared if they aren't then inheritances aren't and you've already been very generous.

[WellyMummy]

Can the decision be deferred for a year? Might add some clarity over time.

Personally if the inheritance was mine, not ours, and there's no benefit to the family then NO it's not a good use of your money.

[thepenguinsrock]

I'm sorry but he's asking alot. If it were me my money would be going into one of our houses or into the savings incase the boiler goes or something plus I'd probably save a bit to buy myself something useful like a crash course in driving.
It's unfair for him to ask for your inheritance IMO.
My hubby inherited £6k last year when his mum died and I wouldn't have dreamt of asking for a penny of it 😯 I think we used £1.5k to on a centreparcs family mini break and he saved the rest. I would like him to have something for him out of it eventually though like a car for example.

[powershowerforanhour]

Two more things have occurred to me. A Masters whilst working is tough going. My brother is doing one. He comes home to mum and dad's occasionally, helps do some jobs, eats dinner then disappears to his room to work. If he wants to spend a nice weekend away with his girlfriend he has to spend the whole weekend before and the one after doing Masters homework. They have no children. If he is serious about passing the Masters he probably won't be able to spend much time looking after the child or relaxing in the evenings.

Secondly, I know he doesn't want the responsibility of getting higher up in work, but I wonder how much he would want the new car and the Masters if he didn't have male workmates egging him on. If they're basically a male ego trip to make him feel better about not being in a highly paid secure job, then he needs to have a rethink. It is no loss of face to tell them that he decided not to do the Masters to put the money away for his child, that's a good "provider" reason. It's easy for his workmates to say how the money should be spent...it's not their money.

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

Unfortunately he apparently has to let uni know by the end of September, as he starts back on his course in a few weeks. So we don't have time to really think too much about it.
I agree, he could have said instead of the car I would like to do the masters, that's a good point actually
I don't want him to sound like he's selfish, he's really not. I think the main issue is we are (currently) in a good stable relationship, and he probably assumes that I want to share the money as we tend to share everything else. Does that make sense? He wouldn't fall out with me or anything if I said I didn't wanna use the money on his masters, but I think secretly he would think I was being mean and unreasonable, with him being the main earner I suppose we see his job as the more important one

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

I feel the same powershower it doesn't leave much free time in the evenings and weekends for us to have family time or for him to help out with DS

[RepentAtLeisure]

You didn't have savings before, and it's totally reasonable to tell him that you want to keep some money aside for a while and enjoy the financial stability.

To me it sounds like he is trying to claim as much of that money as he can for himself which is very selfish. At best he sounds clueless with money - just because it's there, doesn't mean it must then be spent. Don't be pressured. Worst case scenario - you split in the future and are left knowing that he took the lions share of money that was supposed to be for his DS for himself. You say it's for your DS, so stop spending it and keep it tucked away now, regardless of what you may like to use it for in future. Take it off the table.

[milpool]

YANBU at all. I understand fully where you're coming from with this.

I got given some money after my grandad sadly passed away, and after my great aunt did too - but this came through my mum, she'd been left it in the will and made the decision some on to me. Which was very kind of her and I have treat that as being a joint thing for DH and I. Yet I was left a smaller amount by my grandma (specifically named in the will) and I've kept that separate, it's off in another account that I'm trying not to touch. I can't say why I see it as different, but I do. And DH respects that, I'm not even sure that he wanted me to use the money from my great aunt as joint money (but it went into work on the house so I see it as an investment kind of thing).

If you don't want to use the money to fund your DH's masters then you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. What if something came up in a couple of years that you wanted to do?

[ImperialBlether]

You say you want to study an MA - I assume he knows this? Why wouldn't you want to spend it on your MA rather than his? I don't understand why he thinks his has priority.

[OneTiredMummmyyy]

OP - YANBU at all. I have some inheritance coming to me later on in life and I would not expect my DP to ask to use money out of those funds for his personal use. That money is for my two DC and for "us" but as it is from my side of the family I have the final say in how it is spent. The same applies for DP's inheritance - ultimately I wouldn't dream of asking for funds for myself out of funds from his family's money. It doesn't sit right with me and is different to money we "created" during the time the two of us have been together.

That said, I may buy DP a car etc if I wanted to but never if he asked for it.

£15k is not much in the grand scheme of things. Please think about keeping it for a rainy day and for your little one. Your nan must have saved hard for that money and I'm sure she wouldn't want you to have spent it all at once.

Can I ask a question? Is your DH normally good with money or a spender?

[JessieMcJessie]

I'm intrigued why a brand new car was ever a priority purchase in the context of the financial situation you decribe (no savings, maternity leave). They are a massive luxury and a good second hand car is so much better value for money. Is you husband very preoccupied with how the world views his status/keeping up with the Joneses?

[Lorelei76]

it sounds like a waste of money
also, you know why his company are saying it's a good idea - they will get someone who is theoretically better but they won't pay for it. Companies often think stuff like this is a good idea.

I think there's a real issue about these courses, they are so easy to promote but in reality parting with the cash, you want to be reasonably sure you will get it back in earnings. I realise nothing is guaranteed but here it sounds like no chance, so what is the point?!

[GnomeDePlume]

I was in a similar position a few years ago, 2 years of post graduate study in an area relevant to work. I could have gone on to finish the final year to make it up to a Masters.

In the end I didnt do it. I realised that the final year would have been a pure vanity project.

Now having moved on to a different company and a different job the Postgraduate Certificate and Diploma look nice on my CV but that is all. A Masters would have been gilding the lily.

Good luck with your conversation.

[alfagirl73]

For me the key factor would be what the Masters would ultimately mean for your family.

If getting it definitely meant a promotion at work with a substantial pay rise and a better lifestyle for your family - then I'd say that it's going to pay for itself, you'll get the money back - probably plus more - and therefore it would be a worthwhile investment for your family and your family's future.

If, however, it's not going to result in any real return for the family, and he's doing the Masters "just because..." or for personal achievement - then it's a personal investment, not a family investment, and therefore that would give me reason to pause before spending the money on it.

I hope that makes sense. I'm sure you'll come to the best decision for you and your family.

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

He's normally quite good with money, I think it's a good point about work encouraging him to do it, it will look good having someone with a masters! I hadn't thought of that. And yeah I suppose it helps that they don't have to pay for it!
We got the new car as the old family car was a bit of a banger and it was just a bit of a treat to get a nice new car for the family with none of us ever having a new car. I suppose we thought it would be the only time we could ever afford it. To be honest I was as up for that as he was. But the masters hadn't been mentioned at that point or I may have reacted differently

[Trifleorbust]

I'm going to back track very slightly now I know how much of the inheritance is left. He isn't being a selfish bastard or anything to want to take a smaller proportion of it, but I think it's still reasonable not to fund it at the moment when you don't think it will help him professionally. Perhaps you could agree to pay the course fees from the inheritance, but half will need to be put back?

[murmuration]

Ah, I can see how doing a Masters now vs later is a bit easier - he'll already have a dissertation and then have to do just a bit more to turn it into a Masters, is that it? Whereas entering a Masters program later he would have to 'redo' the work on a new dissertation.

But that doesn't change the fact that he doesn't really need it, and it won't help future earnings. I'd say he should either get a loan and do it that way, or forgo. Also, if his boss is encouraging it, might he be able to ask them to fund it? Or promise increased salary or something if he completes it? He could say "Look, I want to do this but we can't really afford it" (and perhaps admit if he knew about the option before the new car he might have made done the Masters instead of the car, but that's too late now!) and see if work actually cares enough to offer something to him to do it.

And the fact that you actually want to do a Masters and he doesn't really (is just sort of thinking to bowing to peer/work pressure) makes it especially galling - I really don't think you should use this money for his education. Use it for your son or your education in the future.

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

Yep murmuration that's right. Basically he'd have to do a lot of work from scratch rather than just carrying on from where he is now.
That's a good point about paying some of it back, I could say I'll pay the 3 grand or whatever it costs, but I want money to be paid back into the savings to top it up afterwards?

[RepentAtLeisure]

If it will look good for his work to have someone with a Masters there, they should fund it really!

[Lorelei76]

Repent - of course they should. But many companies encourage you to do these things, they might give you a few days study leave but whether or not they pay is another matter.

[Specialapplek]

Where do you find a Masters for £3.5k? If this figure is correct then I'd fund it just because it's an amazingly low price to pay for boosting his CV and career prospects.

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

Specialapple the two years leading up to it are being paid for by his work, so they will contribute to the final year cost wise

[rollonthesummer]

Nope-I wouldn't! I'd be really pissed off if I had wanted to do a masters (wouldn't rule it out in the future) but DH did it with my inheritance and DH and I split up-leaving him with a masters and not me! My family would be furious to think that's what their inheritance had paid for!!

If he wouldn't have even considered it without this 'free' money, then no, no, no!

[RubbleBubble00]

Ask him to wait a year then review the situation. You will be back at work and In the swing of what life will be like working so better position to decide.

[Trifleorbust]

Yes, that's probably what I would do, OP. It won't wipe out your savings, and as long as you can afford to put aside a monthly sum to cover what it has cost to do the Masters, it's not an unreasonable request. However, it might be worth discussing with him that you also would like to do a Masters, so can you afford to do this for you both?