To not agree with his choice

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

My nan sadly passed away last year, and left a substantial amount of money to myself and younger brother. After initially spending a large amount on home improvements and our soon to be born DS (who is now 6 months) we decided to put the rest away to help out in the future and while I was off work after maternity leave.
My DH is currently doing a post grad qualification at uni as well as working full time, and has the option of doing a masters next year. The qualification has been paid for by work, however the masters must be paid by himself. Basically he wants me to use my nan's money to fund his masters.
I feel selfish saying no, as I feel it should be 'our' money with us being married. We have a fantastic relationship and I want him to be happy, but I also feel he's being a bit mean expecting us to use the money for himself.

There are a lot of things I would have spent the money on had I been single, but I'm not, and I felt the money was best saved for our family. AIBU??

[PersianCatLady]

Honestly, without my nan's money I doubt he'd be considering it as we'd struggle to find the money to fund it
Goodness me this thread has really moved on since my post yesterday but OP I think you have answered your own question.

One more thing, we did put a 3 grand deposit towards his brand new car that is on finance, so it's not like he's not 'enjoying' any of the money
TBH I think that if he wanted to do the masters he should have mentioned it before he bought the car and then you could have discussed it then.

(Reading about the car has made me a bit cross actually as even if you sold the car today, it is likely that the £3,000 has been lost in depreciation.)

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I think the money is burning a hole in his pocket. He wants to spend it. On himself but I think that's secondary. Some people can't keep money in the bank.

[ImperialBlether]

I don't think 'on himself' is secondary. If he'd put the case to his wife that if she invested her money in his MA, he'd work really hard to get promotion, earn more money and then pay for her to take her MA and put the money back into savings, it would be very different. He sees 'what's yours is mine' and is thinking of ways to spend it.

[Dozer]

Also, a masters is a shitload of work. On top of full time work! When you have a baby, who will become a hard work toddler. Selfish IMO.

His colleagues might well say "go for it": they have no idea what his home responsibilities are.

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

Yes I've said the same about his responsibilities. We will both be in full time work with a young child, and he will have to find the self determination to do work in his free time which will mean I will have to basically pick up everything else, which I find unfair

Completely agree, if he had put the case to me that spending the money on the masters would be a good investment in our future then I wouldn't hesitate to fund it!

[Dozer]

Even if it were likely to lead to a better job, more money etc you'd still not be unreasonable to not agree on those grounds.

You are both parents: he should do his fair share of parenting!

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

So we've had a chat this morning...we have agreed on him doing the masters, with the compromise being that he pays back into the savings every month so that in a few years when I want to do my masters I can do.

He says that if he doesn't do the masters, in this year of the qualification he is doing he has to write a 12,000 word assignment (alongside all the other mini assignments through the year) If he does the masters he can defer this assignment and just write a 20,000 word dissertation for the masters. So essentially it is saving him work this year, which I agree would be better.

I have been honest & said it concerns me that I'm spending 3k of my inheritance on his education, and he said he completely understands and doesn't want to do it if I'm not happy with it. But in 6 years or so he would like to apply for a team leaders role and the masters would set him apart when being shortlisted. So in the long run it would benefit us.

So he still has until the end of sept to decide. I am going to ensure he sets up a direct debit to my bank and starts repaying back after Xmas. I hope I've made the right decision!

[Liiinoo]

My DH recently funded my MSc. It might never pay for itself in terms of increased earnings but it was important to me as a lifetime goal and an achievement. I still can't quite believe I did it and that I (who left school nearly 40 years ago with 6 O Levels) am now so highly qualified. Not everything can be judged by how much money it will make you.

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

Good on you liiinoo!

At the end of the day, we've been together 10 years and married for 5. I love him with all my heart, he's the father of my child, and (hopefully) I will be with him for the rest of my life. As long as I can also get my masters when I'm ready to do it, I suppose funding his now isn't the end of the world.

I do think he could have mentioned it earlier (like when I paid for his car) and the masters could have been his 'treat' from my inheritance. But if he's paying me back I suppose it's more of a loan than an outright payment?

[Gazelda]

OP, surely he's 'paying you back' with money that would ordinarily be family money? You had no savings previously, so presumably your lifestyle was funded with both your salaries. But a large chunk of his salary will now be going into your masters 'pot' and you've also got car finance payments which you didn't have before. So your available cash each month is down by quite a chunk.
You might find it quite tough being back at work with a toddler and a DH who is spending so much time studying. But you won't be able to afford a cleaner, or a familt holiday to reconnect, or many of the things you have previously spent both your FT salaries on.
Maybe I've misunderstood, but it just doesn't add up to me, most certainly not in your favour.

[Dozer]

I don't think this is a good "deal"for you at all. As PP says the "savings" will come out of family money.

The logic of "it'll reduce work this year" doesn't stack up: it means another year of work.

Unless he's in a niche, specialist occupation where the qualification is aligned with its professional requirements I doubt a masters (eg something like public administration) will help much when it comes to promotion in local authorities.

Did you talk about how many hours a week this additional qualification would require? shares of domestic work and parenting?

[alltouchedout]

In this specific situation (there's £15k left, it will only cost £3.5k for him to do the top up year to turn the qualification he has into a Master's, it could be beneficial to his first career and thus our family's security) then yes, I would. But you sound so doubtful that you want to spend that money this way OP. And it's absolutely fine to say no.

[Enoughisenough9]

Either way, you're paying for his Masters that might not benefit the family.

[rollonthesummer]

He says that if he doesn't do the masters, in this year of the qualification he is doing he has to write a 12,000 word assignment (alongside all the other mini assignments through the year) If he does the masters he can defer this assignment and just write a 20,000 word dissertation for the masters. So essentially it is saving him work this year, which I agree would be better.

Are you 100% sure he isn't just procrastinating and saying he wants to do the masters so he can put off writing the assignment?

What would happen if the masters wasn't finished or he failed-would you lose the money altogether?

[Cocklodger]

Nope. The only way I'd even consider it would be with a loan agreement of sorts in case you break up while he's doing his masters as I'd want to protect nans money. it doesn't sound like it'll have much use to be totally honest as he doesn't want to progress due to high stress and his employers also don't think it'll be beneficial enough for them to consider paying for it.
Yanbu.

[ShinyDiscoBalls]

I have said to him you're going to have to be very self organised as I expect you to still help out as much as you can with parental responsibilities, he's said he is going to give up his Sunday morning gym session and dedicate that to doing work, so essentially he isn't losing time with the family

Yes it's true that he will be paying back the money out of 'family money' but as long as he doesn't expect me to put anything away when I'm back working full time then I'm ok with that

I'm going to have a chat with my dad as he tends to be good at impartial advice haha!

[honeylulu]

So basically he wants you to give him a few thousand for a "hobby" qualification?
Whilst it's fair to view it as family money, both partners should agree what is sensible to spend it on. This doesn't seem sensible and is also unfair. He gets a "treat" and you don't.

[Shona52]

You could start the saving account with something say half the amount or something and let him save the rest

[wowbutter]

Why have you ignored what previous posters said about a loan?

Basic details...
Postgraduate loans are 10k to study a masters qualification. They are not means tested, they have no bearing on previous undergraduate loans, and do not count towards mortgage applications. You pay them back in the same way as under graduate loans, via your wages.

Why can he not do that? Tell him, once he has used your nans money to pay it, that he needs to apply for the loan and pay you back. Immediately.

[PersianCatLady]

I think the money is burning a hole in his pocket
But it isn't his money and it isn't in his pocket.

[Olivialoves]

Surely if he's willing to pay the money back, he should just do like all the other poster have suggested on here and GET A LOAN??!
That way, he still gets his masters but it doesn't touch any of the money?

[PersianCatLady]

so that in a few years when I want to do my masters I can do
What happens if he doesn't pay the money back?

Alarm bells are ringing in my head now.

I didn't know that you wanted to do a masters as well, I think that it is awful that he wants you to pay for him to do his and then you would be able to do yours until he has replaced the money.

[cheeseismydownfall]

I think the fact that you inherited this money is a bit of a red herring. Personally, I think that when you are married you have made a commitment to share good fortune and bad, and the idea of "my money" and "your money" has no place in a solid, mutually supportive relationship.

I think the question is really whether this is a good use of 3.5k of family money, when considered alongside everything else you may need it for (savings, home improvement, your own education). Given that you have a young baby and he seems unclear about the long term payoff of doing a masters, it sounds to me like a no. But that should be a joint decision made by the two of you together. I would hate it if the situation were reversed and my DH gave a unilateral "no" about spending "his" money. But we don't operate like that.

[goddessoftheharvest]

Absolutely no way. DH and I are very big on pooling family money, but in this case he just sounds like he sees money there and sees an opportunity to use it for himself, even after spending money on the car!