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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick the bigger/nicer house

425 replies

SiriusBlackDeservedBetter · 25/08/2016 21:47

All names/locations have all been changed.

My Great Uncle had no kids and passed away months ago, recently his solicitor got into contact, which was rather suprising as although he had some money, I didn't think I'd get anything at all.

He's left my sister and I a house each, the issue is with the way his Will is written. It states:

'I leave Rose either the Birchwood house or the Maple house to choose from and then Lily may have whichever one has not been chosen'

This means that I get first pick of 2 houses and then my sister can have whichever one I don't pick.

I don't know why he's written it up like that, we both barely saw or even knew him.

My sister and I both have homes of our own, I have a 2 bed house with 1 DC and she has a 3 bed house with 4 DC.

Birchwood House is absolutely lovely, it's 4 beds, a dining room, a massive garden and it's only 20 mins away from our current location.

Whereas Maple House is an hour and a half away, in a rural area, it's a bungalow with 3 beds.

I want to pick Birchwood house and live in it and either sell or rent out our current property, DSis thinks that that would be really selfish of me as she needs the space more and as her kids are older it would be too disruptive to move them any further then our current location, but I think she could sell Maple House and her current house and upgrade and stay in the area, she argues that I could do the same, which is true.

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 26/08/2016 10:07

I wish I had this problem....

Trifleorbust · 26/08/2016 10:13

I never get all the comments about "honouring the will" - the dead person is expressing their wishes but there is no binding obligation on anyone but the executors to see them met. If someone wants to give me a gift and I see fit to share it with someone else, that's up to me.

Sootica · 26/08/2016 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ireallydontseewhy · 26/08/2016 10:25

Yes trifle, if you give someone a lifetime gift you can't stop them sharing it - the same is true of bequests. It's quite good in one way - none of us can control everything and other people, even with money!

There may be very good reasons for leaving different amounts to different people though, and as a poster said it is a good idea to explain the reasons in advance - it may mean beneficiaries (and non-beneficiaries!) are less likely to try to change things afterwards if they know why it's been done. Or maybe you could give the solicitor an explanation, so that they can explain it to the beneficiaries?

There was an interesting tv series about this a while ago - in one episode the dparents were making their wills and they discussed with their adult dcs what they were going to do. It was amicable and the adult dcs made some useful suggestions as well - eg dd3 should get more because she hasn't had x while dparents were alive.

dowhatnow · 26/08/2016 10:42

Hope this doesn't taint your relationship with your sister.

diddl · 26/08/2016 10:47

Is there a lot of difference in the market value of the houses?

Clearly he didn't want them to be sold, but neither has he suggested that whoever takes the higher value house pays the difference to the other.

More than likely he thought that they'd be able to sort it out amicably if he didn't want to make the decision!

TaterTots · 26/08/2016 11:04

This thread has convinced me of one thing - when I get old I'm selling my place into equity release and spending my twilight years enjoying fabulous holidays with a stream of virile gigolos. My relatives can go hang Grin

Pisssssedofff · 26/08/2016 11:13

The poor old Bugger probably didn't think about different sizes or values and just thought they might both like a house 😐

CalmItKermitt · 26/08/2016 11:25

I think she's got a bloody cheek.

CodyKing · 26/08/2016 11:28

Tatertots. - I'm coming with you!

Original poster
SiriusBlackDeservedBetter · 26/08/2016 11:30

I suspect he couldn't decide either and he thought we'd sort it out relatively easily, doubt he had any malicious intent, it's an amazing gift, although it has taught me to discuss my Will before I pass on.

OP posts:
magicstar1 · 26/08/2016 11:32

If you decided to sell both houses, would your sister choose to buy Birchwood? I think the answer to this would tell you if she really loves the house, or if it's because it's a bigger property. It sounds like you actually love Birchwood, so I'd say to keep it for yourself, and as you said, give her the difference.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 26/08/2016 11:37

I doubt it crossed his mind there was anything to 'sort out' and just hoped you'd each be grateful to be gifted something as substantial as a house

Seriously, there is no need for you to feel guilty OP, it's not like he's left you a house and your sister a pencil sharpener!

If your sister wants to focus on the negative ("your house is bigger & better than mine boo hoo") rather than the positive ("wow, I've been left a whole house in my uncle's will") then that is her prerogative and not your responsibility

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 26/08/2016 11:43

Dear OP
Please just sell both houses and split the money.
And then fgs cancel the cheque Grin Grin

Niloufes · 26/08/2016 11:43

Do as he says, pick the one you want. Your sister will still get something and she can always sell the place.

justgivemeamo · 26/08/2016 11:44

What an awful conundrum, but wont YOU feel bitter to her op if she forces you both to sell both houses? and/or she lives in it?

Why should her feelings be saved but not yours?

I could understand her more if there was only one house to squabble over for instance, OP chooses whether to live in or sell house, meaning if op lives in it - the other sibling gets NOTHING.

But this isnt the case, she can sell her house and find somewhere else? NOt only that but she can have as much cash left over as she chooses too....

I am afraid you need to do whats best for your children and your family, its where your loyalties lie.

You may find yourself feeling bitter to her in the furture eg you want to spend xmas with her - in her lovely house birchwood but she says no....stuff like that.

You either sell both houses and split or you keep birch and she gets the other one.

dlwelly · 26/08/2016 11:44

You weren't expecting anything and now you're getting a house each and your sister has found something negative in that? The mind boggles.

Take the bigger house, your sister will still be a WHOLE HOUSE better off.

I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope this doesn't cause any long lasting negativity between you and your sister, I'm sure that wasn't your Uncle's wishes.

justgivemeamo · 26/08/2016 11:45

If your sister wants to focus on the negative ("your house is bigger & better than mine boo hoo") rather than the positive ("wow, I've been left a whole house in my uncle's will") then that is her prerogative and not your responsibility

^^ totally agree with this. she needs a wake up call.

LovelyBranches · 26/08/2016 11:59

Are you thinking of extending your own family in the future? If you had another child would your sister feel less aggrieved that you are living in the bigger house? This is not a reason to get pregnant obviously, but if it's in your future plans then I would certainly mention it to your sister.

Have you had a full and frank discussion about this with your sister? Asking her if she would buy Birchwood if it was on the market?
If she does get the Maple house, maybe you could help with the cost of selling it?

I don't have any siblings but I know for certain that SIL wouldn't think twice in this situation and would take the bigger house for herself and although we would probably be quietly jealous that she got to live in a lovely house, DH would never let it upset their sibling relationship.

gonzo155 · 26/08/2016 12:01

Take the house you want and don't be bullied into anything else. Even if you sell both you may find there's not enough money for as nice a house or something similar never comes up.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 26/08/2016 12:06

The thing I can't get past is that your DS has made very clear that if the terms of the will were reversed, she would have no hesitation in taking the house she wanted.

Do you think she would split the difference with you?

Maybe your relative knew exactly what he was doing here. She already has the larger home of her own.

I think your sister is being unfair.

I would value all 4 houses (the 2 in the will and your and DS's homes). Then I would take the value of them all and split that.

If her current house is bigger an worth more then you need to take this into account - as well as the mortgage. Just a simple split between the houses in the wills isn't necessarily fair either.

For example Birchwood was worth £250k Maple £150k. Yours was £100k (with a 50k mortgage to pay) and DS's was £150k (with a 50k mortgage).

I'd take Birchwood, leave her Maple and give her £25k (half the difference in combined equity) so you each end up with the same value of equity.

Nannynowamummy · 26/08/2016 12:07

I'd be thinking longterm and be considering renting it out for the time being or asking agents which would theoretically increase in value more.

But then I have a sibling who is wealthy & doesn't 'need' help like I do.

DoinItFine · 26/08/2016 12:15

I have a sister I'm very close to.

I can't imagine in a million years trying to guilt her into giving me something I wanted like your sister is doing.

In her situation, not only would I not dream of making that kind of request, I would turn down any offers to "split the money".

I would want her to take her free pick and enjoy the house and I woukd happily take the second choice house.

And I know if the situation were reversed that she would do the same.

You have both been very lucky.

You should enjoy both her own luck and yours and stop letting her childish envy bring bad feeking into this.

Maybe suggest to her that you should both give your houses to the cousin who lost out, if this is really about fairness?

diddl · 26/08/2016 12:25

Regardless of "need", I think a lot of people would pick a 4 bed house over a 3 bed bungalow, so it's not surprising that both Op & her sister would like it.

Sadly for the sister, the choice isn't hers.

Dancingupthewall · 26/08/2016 12:27

And I do think if 3/4years DSis would sell Birchwood whereas I do think of it as a forever home.

You do seem to be making moral judgements about your sister, OP. Maybe maintaining the relationship isn't your top priority?

Your great-uncle's will has left you both in an unenviable position. Neither of you is being unreasonable - it's not black & white, but shades of grey. You have to make your own ethical judgement about whether the house is worth lifelong resentment from your sister.

Or think about it this way - how would you feel if names in the will were reversed, and your sister chose the house you both see as more desirable. How would you feel about that? Would you shrug your shoulders and think "Well, neither of us knew him, we didn't live in that house, so fair go to her" ??

You say that your sister would choose the more desirable house, but this is also what you're contemplating.

It's just two houses. Neither of which was your family home, if I understand correctly. If it were me, I would be very regretful, but I'd try to get an agreement with my sister to sell both, and split the proceeds 50/50

However, if you value a house more than your sister, choose whichever you prefer. I just think that, as lovely as living in lovely houses is, a relationship with my sister might be more important.