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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

376 replies

MidnightMargaritas · 25/08/2016 10:11

So basically I have two lovely kids one 6 year old DD and a 15 month old DS. I have been married to their father for 3 years and we have been together 8 years in total. I have always had problems with hormonal contraception. (Losing hair, getting sick, allergic reactions, pregnancy etc) I'm currently on the depo but dont want to remain on it as it seems to be making me even more anxious (i'm on 50mg sertraline). Have also had the mirena coil, implant (x3), cerelle, cerazette (got pregnant on this), microgynon, cilest (got pregnant on this) and used condoms.
After a very traumatic birth with my son (which ended in EMCS), I had terrible aftercare and PTSD so I decided to ask the GP during my therapy if I could be sterilised. I was told I wasn't allowed. At my age too many women regret sterilisation. I was then told I could meet someone else and decide to have children. The GP then said if one of my kids were to die I could still go on to have more. I left it six months and decided to ask again to be told the same thing and its really upset me. I was also told it costs the NHS a lot of money for the Op. What I dont understand is that if I was to have another child I would need a lot of therapy, medication, scans and i'd probably end up needing another c-section. Surely it would be more cost effective to let me be sterilised?
When I knew they werent relenting I asked about my DH having the snip. They said that was also unlikely due to his age.
I'd rather have the op because the thought of me ever being pregnant terrifies me. Even if me and my husband separate I would never want to have another child. I couldn't cope. I couldn't afford to get it done privately (6K)
So AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 25/08/2016 10:46

Sterlisation isnt a hysterectomy she wont need HRT

WappersReturns · 25/08/2016 10:47

I was also refused after 5 children at the age of 28. Three hormonal contraception failures and two planned. Depo failed twice and contraceptive implant failed once.
DH had to get the snip, he was 30. He has issues with testicular lumps now, which is very worrying and I still remain angry that I was refused for sterilisation.
I asked after 3 DC and continued to ask during and after two further contraception failures. I adore my DC and wouldn't be without them of course, but my life would be very different if I'd been listened to back then. Not to mention poor DH!

CinderellaFant · 25/08/2016 10:47

I'm 28 and pregnant with my 3rd. The doctor has asked me if I want to be sterilised while they are doing my c section.

DollyBarton · 25/08/2016 10:48

You are an adult. You will live with the consequences of making a decision you regret later. It is STILL your decision to make. YANBU. I would demand they take you seriously and change your GP till you find one that will refer you.

Danglyweed · 25/08/2016 10:50

I was refused at 28. My obstetrician was keen to do it, he had seen me through 4 premature births and dh vasectomy had failed. The higher ups said no.

ncayley115 · 25/08/2016 10:53

After I had my son last year I wanted to be sterilised. He's my first and last baby but I have good reasons behind this. The doctors weren't against it but interestingly a consultant told me that it has a high failure rate and I would be better off with a coil. I have a mirena coil now which I am not in love with at all! I don't want my husband to have a vasectomy. Will watch this thread with interest!

FedUpWithBriiiiiick · 25/08/2016 10:54

Your body, your choice OP. Keep on at them until they listen to you.

I'm disappointed with some of the responses on this thread. The OP is a grown woman. She knows her own body and her own mind.

Good luck OP. Flowers

trafalgargal · 25/08/2016 10:54

Get it done privately , you won't hit nearly as many barriers whether it's you sterilised or your OH having the snip.

SomedayBaby · 25/08/2016 10:57

And just to add, dh nearly had the snip 3 years ago, aged 30 (was agreed, booked etc) but it was cancelled last minute (by the NHS, overbooked or some such) and by the time the new appointment came through, dh had the wobbles and decided against it - which massively pissed me off at the time!

I was 27, he was 30, we had two dc aged 3 and 5 and were both adamant we didn't want more kids. 3 years later and our financial position has improved quite a bit, the dc are older and I've just turned 30 and have stereotypically started to hear my biological clock ticking...and we're now considering the possibility of another in a year or so.

If you'd told me 3 years ago that I 'might change my mind' i'd have bitten your head off and posted along the lines of some of the pp's about me (and dh) having the right to control our reproductive systems and how dare people patronise me and suggest I don't know my own mind etc. How quickly things can change though.

GabsAlot · 25/08/2016 10:57

i dont have chiildren so slightly different but they refused me at thirty-11 years on they still wont do it i have no desire to have children

i think some peopel are so patronising orh u might change your mind-shes terrifed of getting pregnant why would she change her mind

whersthel1ght · 25/08/2016 10:59

Actually MrsJay you are wrong. In a high percentage of cases sterilisation triggers early menopause or premenopausal symptoms and this requires HRT to treat.

Marynary · 25/08/2016 11:02

It should be your body and your choice but I suppose as far as the NHS is concerned, if you later regret your choice and wish to have a child (as some people do), the NHS will perhaps have to pick up the tab for some or all of the fertility treatment you have.

It is all very well for people to say "your body, your choice" but the NHS can't use that as a reason for not giving you fertility treatment if you should regret your choice at some point in the next 20 years.

MrsJayy · 25/08/2016 11:05

Really? I Didnt know that although getting HRT on the NHs while still ovulating is like asking for the moon on your lap.

Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 25/08/2016 11:11

20 more years of possible baby years --- that makes me feel physically ill. I thought i'd lost my son during my pregnancy and was told I had when in fact he was alive. I then nearly lost him during my induction and then after he was born. I have struggled due to how unwell we both were and how many mistakes were made by the hospital which they have admitted. I find it hard to trust midwives now and take medication and attened regular therapy sessions (group and individual).
I really dont want another children.

OP posts:
Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 25/08/2016 11:12

*anymore not another

OP posts:
Danglyweed · 25/08/2016 11:12

This will be outing but fuck it. During my last very prem labour I was rushed for an emergency section. While everyone was getting scrubbed up my obstetrician asked me if I wanted to be sterilised during, I said yes. In the end, while the gas mask was put on my face I needed to push so never got the cs in the end. When I went back to him a few weeks later, as I said upthread, he was keen but the higher ups said no. Makes no bloody sense.

FedUpWithBriiiiiick · 25/08/2016 11:14

Then that is the OPs regret to bear.

Or, more likely, she is happy with her decision and lives a full family life.

The point is it's up to her to decide. She understands the risks.

Marynary · 25/08/2016 11:18

Then that is the OPs regret to bear.

It doesn't work like that though. The NHS can't refuse treatment on the grounds that an individual caused the problem in the first place. If they did that, where would it end?

JigglypuffsCaptor · 25/08/2016 11:18

I'm in a similar boat I'm 26, I have one child, I would like one more, I spoke to my GO about possibly having a full hysterectomy after my second due to every woman in my family has had ovarian cancer and either died or survived after the trauma of it. They said no. I know live petrified in the back of my skull that I'm going to die before I got 40 like 4 women in my family have. My maternal grandmother had it and survived, my mother's got her head in the sand and my maternal aunt died at 39!

AppleSetsSail · 25/08/2016 11:19

The GP's comment about having more if your children died is absolutely outrageous though.

I'm not sure why it's outrageous, having more children is one way that people react to losing one. It doesn't mean the GP views children as interchangable.

That aside, the NHS should have waivers available for women to sign saying they won't request a reversal, so that young women can make the decision to be sterilised.

SomedayBaby · 25/08/2016 11:21

During my last very prem labour I was rushed for an emergency section. While everyone was getting scrubbed up my obstetrician asked me if I wanted to be sterilised during, I said yes

That sounds bloody horrific and the Doctor was way out of line to offer sterilisation to a woman in prem labour being rushed in for an emergency CS.

If you'd asked me during my first (difficult and long) labour (aged 21), I'd have agreed and bitten your hand off to be sterilised Hmm. It's hardly the best time to be asking women to make such a decision is it?

AppleSetsSail · 25/08/2016 11:23

It doesn't work like that though. The NHS can't refuse treatment on the grounds that an individual caused the problem in the first place. If they did that, where would it end?

It seems perfectly plausible that the NHS could establish a sterilisation policy and waiver without drawing any larger implications.

Arfarfanarf · 25/08/2016 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SillySongsWithLarry · 25/08/2016 11:24

It very much depends where you live. I was sterilised at 23 during the birth of my second child. Now 29 and in a relationship with another man and don't regret being sterilised. I was very open about it though because choosing to be with me will mean he never has his own children. That's a big commitment. It does mean that we aren't too far off the children being grown up. Life begins at 40 as they say Grin

Scaredycat3000 · 25/08/2016 11:24

I agree with Fedup.
I get Marys point but the NHS fund many many things that I find questionable, fixing gone wrong holiday cheap plastic surgery for example, the OP is trying to prevent further physical harm and reduce 20 years of future anxiety, that has the potential to cost the NHS and society huge sums of money.
OP YANBU. I'm sorry you are getting patronized so much.

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