AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

[MidnightMargaritas]

So basically I have two lovely kids one 6 year old DD and a 15 month old DS. I have been married to their father for 3 years and we have been together 8 years in total. I have always had problems with hormonal contraception. (Losing hair, getting sick, allergic reactions, pregnancy etc) I'm currently on the depo but dont want to remain on it as it seems to be making me even more anxious (i'm on 50mg sertraline). Have also had the mirena coil, implant (x3), cerelle, cerazette (got pregnant on this), microgynon, cilest (got pregnant on this) and used condoms.
After a very traumatic birth with my son (which ended in EMCS), I had terrible aftercare and PTSD so I decided to ask the GP during my therapy if I could be sterilised. I was told I wasn't allowed. At my age too many women regret sterilisation. I was then told I could meet someone else and decide to have children. The GP then said if one of my kids were to die I could still go on to have more. I left it six months and decided to ask again to be told the same thing and its really upset me. I was also told it costs the NHS a lot of money for the Op. What I dont understand is that if I was to have another child I would need a lot of therapy, medication, scans and i'd probably end up needing another c-section. Surely it would be more cost effective to let me be sterilised?
When I knew they werent relenting I asked about my DH having the snip. They said that was also unlikely due to his age.
I'd rather have the op because the thought of me ever being pregnant terrifies me. Even if me and my husband separate I would never want to have another child. I couldn't cope. I couldn't afford to get it done privately (6K)
So AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

[Rollonbedtime7pm]

OP YANBU - I am 33 and had my 3rd baby 4 months ago, I got told the same about "you might want to wait in case anything happens" when I asked about the process of DH getting the snip As if I would just feel the need to pop out a replacement!

You should be trusted that you know your own mind and seen as doing the responsible thing.

If someone did get sterilised and regret it (don't mean you OP) then accepting a decision you made and living with it is part of being a grown up - it's called personal responsibility. Dying art these days

[KinkyAfro]

I don't have kids, don't want kids. I asked to be sterilised at 25, 30, 35 and 40 and they wouldn't do it. I'm 43 now, got an appointment next week to ask again

[PikachuSayBoo]

Yanbu.

I was sterilised in my 20s and was so glad I didn't have to fight for it. However that was some time ago and I believe due to financial constraints it's harder now.

CCGS would rather pay for vasectomies. I know you've said they might not pay due to his age anyway but has he actually been himself and said he wants it done? If not then try that. I know it's not ideal, but if it means you don't have to use contraception then that's good.

[Believeitornot]

Have you established a case for your heavy periods? Are you anemic? I only ask because if that's addressed you might be able to have a copper coil too

[Flisspaps]

YANBU

[DesolateWaist]

This is so patronising. Pat the silly little woman on her head as she clearly doesn't know what she wants.

Nhs has limited resources - things like male and femal sterilization are NOT a priority

I venture that the cost to the NHS of a pregnancy, birth, follow up care and the continuing care of the child, vacations etc, will be much more.

I had three rounds of NHS funded IVF (a debate for another day). At no point was I asked if I was sure I wanted children.

I cannot believe this 'well if a child dies' attitude, these are children not puppies.
Also it is actually possible to be in a relationship with someone and not have children with them. If you enter a new relationship then telling them that you cannot have more children would be part of your relationship.

[HelenaDove]

Fab post Desolate Totally agree.

[arethereanyleftatall]

But sterilisation or a baby aren't the only 2 options available.
It's expecting the Nhs to fund you to have sex.
As a pp said, non-penetration could also be an option.

[Vixyboo]

Expecting the NHS to fund you to have sex?

What a load of tripe.

It is asking for physical help not to have more children in a way that is more certain than contraception.

After I have my second I do not want any more children. I still want intimacy with my dp though. I do not think it is unreasonable to ask for help not to get pregnant.

[HelenaDove]

arethere the NHS already funds sex The Pill The Mini Pill. The now discontinued Norplant, Implanon Depo Provera Noristerat. coil Mirena


I only said non PIV COULD be an option. But unfortunately arethere most men expect PIV plus sperm are determined little fuckers There only has to be a minute amount of it on a mans fingers while manually stimulating a woman.
I take it you had your kids at the Portland.

arethere are you a bit envious of a childfree womans freedom. Because the only women ive ever heard make comments like that have internalized misogyny behind it.

[lalalalyra]

I think you've got no chance at 25. I'm mid thirties, I have 6 kids (5 biological and DS who is technically my step-son) - I've fallen pregnant twice using condoms (once was very much my fault), once on the pill (no idea what went wrong) and once with the coil (again no idea what went wrong). All of the GP's at our surgery consider me too young. Despite the fact I've had bad pregnancies, PND and was very, very ill in my last pregnancy due to the fact I didn't believe we could cope, but I couldn't bring myself to terminate. I now have no contraceptive options bar condoms and abstinence - the doctors won't prescribe anything because of reactions and failures. They won't refer DH for the snip, rightly, because of issues he has with clotting.

I'm now saving to go private because I am terrified of getting pregnant again.

[HelenaDove]

arethere ive seen you on the benefits/tax credits threads moaning about single parents and parents on a low income having babies.

Which is it? You cant have it both ways.


Marie Stopes wasnt a total saint She believed into eugenics but still made more sense than you.

[HelenaDove]

lalala Hope saving doesnt take too long.

[DesolateWaist]

As a pp said, non-penetration could also be an option.

'No Mrs Midnight you are just a silly woman, you can't make choices like that in case another man wants you to have a baby. Just let your husband fuck you in the arse until the menopause, there's a good girl.'

[MidnightMargaritas]

Well I managed to track down the consultant who handled my complaint after the birth of my son in 2015. My original consultant is in Africa (the one who made all the mistakes). After a very long phone call and a glance over my notes shes agreed to put in the referral for me. I should have cut out the GP and went straight to her, especially after my debriefing.

Ive tried a lot of different contraceptives (read the OP) so those going on about me getting the coil should know i've had both the jaydess and mirena, both ended badly (pelvic infection and rejection). I am NOT willing to put myself through even heavier periods and cramping with the copper coil after my body has already rejected two coils.
I don't think I could go through 20 odd years of non penetrative sex. Im a young, married woman, I dont want to have to abstain. If that means the NHS is "funding" my sex life then so be it.

Thank you to all the posters who gave me a rational response (even if we didnt agree) x

[Lorelei76]

Midnight, that's good news, I'm pleased for you.
Good luck to others wanting this too.

[Basicbrown]

That is good news op. I was sterilised at 35 with practically no questions asked. No side effects.

The thing I can never get my head around is surely women are less likely to regret the decision than men.....? We have to go through pregnancy/ childbirth and also have limited childbearing years. But there is far more controversy and people immediately trill about regrets. Surely the younger a woman is the more cost effective for the NHS. Any regrets as far as the NHS is concerned is the individual's problem as they will hardly pay for reversal.

[DesolateWaist]

It's expecting the Nhs to fund you to have sex.

Do the NHS fund treatment for erectile dysfunction? I bet they do.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

It's expecting the Nhs to fund you to have sex.

Yes so is the pill, the coil, implant, Mirena - all available the NHS .

[MrsJayy]

That is really good news the referral might take a while to come throughbut least it's going to happen

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

That's positive, Midnight, I hope you get your sterilisation. You've been absolutely patronised on this thread which is mind-blowing given that we're generally women here and this is about a woman's rights and her autonomy over her own body. Disgraceful and those posters should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you for an early operation.

[zizza]

I've shipped some pages in the middle - sorry - but have you seen a gynaecologist about your troublesome periods? (I know this doesn't help on the sterilisation issue - you can't get that done at all in our area any more). I've just had a Novasure (type of ablation) procedure done for my heavy bleeding and one of the things they check is that you don't want any more children. Might be able to swing it more on a medical need if the gynaecologist thinks that would help.

[BillSykesDog]

I feel terribly conflicted about this. I worked in a gynae clinic and the doctors performing the sterilisations were the same ones performing (or more often refusing) reversals. So they really did see both sides of the coin. And very often those wanting reversals were in the most distressing of circumstances. Although they were very committed to their family unit often it would turn out their partner wasn't as much as they thought, and they would be forced into part time parenthood and have the opportunity of being part of a full family unit taken away. And although I agree it shouldn't have been said I have come across cases where child death was a factor.

I think that they have to weigh up the consequences. And sometimes, yes, that does mean that they will judge someone using chemical contraception or having an abortion as being less distressing than seeing someone come back in 10 years to be told they have no hope of reclaiming their fertility.

And the age limit isn't really arbitrary, it comes from a lot of experience of who will be the ones to return for reversals. It's not an exact science and of course some people who would never regret it will be turned down. But like I said, it's a game of weights. If you have five 25 year olds asking for sterilisation and you know from experience 4 of them are likely to re-present for reversal at some point, then, yes, unfortunately because they can't tell who is likely not to regret it, they'll all be turned down on the basis that it's the route of least damage and regret.

[dollybird]

Haven't read the full thread but my DH had the snip at 28. We had had two dc in quick succession and I had pnd after both. DD was 9 months old