AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

[MidnightMargaritas]

So basically I have two lovely kids one 6 year old DD and a 15 month old DS. I have been married to their father for 3 years and we have been together 8 years in total. I have always had problems with hormonal contraception. (Losing hair, getting sick, allergic reactions, pregnancy etc) I'm currently on the depo but dont want to remain on it as it seems to be making me even more anxious (i'm on 50mg sertraline). Have also had the mirena coil, implant (x3), cerelle, cerazette (got pregnant on this), microgynon, cilest (got pregnant on this) and used condoms.
After a very traumatic birth with my son (which ended in EMCS), I had terrible aftercare and PTSD so I decided to ask the GP during my therapy if I could be sterilised. I was told I wasn't allowed. At my age too many women regret sterilisation. I was then told I could meet someone else and decide to have children. The GP then said if one of my kids were to die I could still go on to have more. I left it six months and decided to ask again to be told the same thing and its really upset me. I was also told it costs the NHS a lot of money for the Op. What I dont understand is that if I was to have another child I would need a lot of therapy, medication, scans and i'd probably end up needing another c-section. Surely it would be more cost effective to let me be sterilised?
When I knew they werent relenting I asked about my DH having the snip. They said that was also unlikely due to his age.
I'd rather have the op because the thought of me ever being pregnant terrifies me. Even if me and my husband separate I would never want to have another child. I couldn't cope. I couldn't afford to get it done privately (6K)
So AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

[Marynary]

They do howeve, refuse treatement to those with children like the OP.

They don't refuse ALL fertility treatment to those who have children. For example, I received treatment for miscarriages.

[TheSparrowhawk]

Where is all this concern about 'changing your mind' when it comes to hormone therapy/genital surgery for trans people? Trans surgery and treatment can cause infertility but people as young as 18 can have it.

[AndNowItsSeven]

I think you are too young, I am 38 and I think very differently than the way I did at 25.

[CakeByTheOcean]

I recently had a womb ablation which I had to fight for. I have two DC, we cannot afford nor want any more. I was given the same line of what if your children die or you split from your husband. I have been married 18 years and am 36 yet the dr was still reluctant. In the end they only agreed to do the op as my husband had a vasectomy a few years ago. He didn't face the barrage of questioning I got. He was trusted with his decision. I felt I had to convince them that i was happy to have no further children, despite the only way it would happen was if I split with my husband and immediately found someone else to have a baby with!

[Marynary]

Where is all this concern about 'changing your mind' when it comes to hormone therapy/genital surgery for trans people? Trans surgery and treatment can cause infertility but people as young as 18 can have it.

I don't know the exact procedure but I'm sure that the decision isn't left to the surgeon. The person would have had counselling and other treatment first. That costs money.

[MrsJayy]

andnow Did you have 2 children at 25?

[TheSparrowhawk]

So why not give people who are seeking sterilisation counselling?

[nightandthelight]

I would definitely recommend going through a sexual health clinic. My DH is doing that currently and he is 25. He has an appt for counselling but they aren't laughing him out the room as GPs seem to do. If they refuse now their policy is not to question men over the age of 28 so we would only have to wait 2.5 years.

[Doobigetta]

I think given that you've had children, YANBU.

If you hadn't, regardless of your age, I would think the doctor was right to refuse. People change their minds about wanting children. It's not patronising to say that (and I'm child free by choice at 40, I know all the different varieties of patronising baby comments out there)- it's just recognising that people's lives and priorities can change a fuck load over 20 years or even 5 years. As others have said, if you changed your mind further down the line then it would be a big burden on the NHS to have to reverse it for you. Doors are best left open where you have the choice, imho, in all areas of life.

[Doobigetta]

And in answer to the question upthread about where the similar concern is about gender reassignment surgery, I feel exactly the same way. Don't do big irreversible shit to your body that you can't change if you don't need to.

[worldsworstchildren]

I wanted to be sterilised at 25 after having two children and 'knowing' I didn't want any more nor did I want to use long-term contraception. I was also given the line about 'what if something happens to your children' but as another pp said, you can't replace them.
However, having been adamant that I didn't want any more (as I had a 7 and 5 year old at the time) I then want on to have another two when I was 35 and 36.
However I still believe that I would have been happy with my decision to sterilise at 25. It really annoys me that they don't allow people to make up their own mind.
After having fourth DC doctor told my husband that he couldn't have a vasectomy unless I went along with him to counselling etc. He was 52 - and I'm pretty sure he is capable of making that decision for himself.

[Lorelei76]

sorry to hear this OP
I would keep pushing

but try saving to go private too

it's ridiculous, it's a life changing decision to have children and they don't police when you make that choice. why it doesn't work the other way I don't know. If it's any consolation (!) I have heard of women c40 who have been refused. it's bonkers.

and when you are trying to do the decent responsible thing - argh. so annoying.

[Marynary]

So why not give people who are seeking sterilisation counselling?

Cost.

[TheLegendOfBeans]

I'm not going to add my opinion to this thread but what I will say is this:

Your story makes me want to reach into the web and give you a big cuddle. I can't imagine the fears that you've had about another pregnancy and it seems like you've had a terrifying few experiences not aided by what sounds like litigation-worthy medical "advice".

I would however strongly advise that you seek counselling. It's evident that you've had an extremely traumatic time and it's definitely a good idea to speak to a qualified independent third party to try and unpick the traffic jam of scary thoughts and memories that must torment you daily.

Push your GP for a referral for counselling (at least) if not therapy for PTSD. And keep pushing. You owe it to yourself (above all) and it will hopefully remove your ever present fear to enjoy your family and your life.

Sending you the biggest ever xxxx

[Lorelei76]

just to add OP, I don't know why you have the cost at £6k? I thought it was about half that.

[HelenaDove]

I asked to be sterilised a few times in my late 20s. Ive NEVER wanted children. I was refused and refused again at 30. Its probably part of the reason why i didnt press DH about his low libido too much...........fear of pregnancy.

After a ten stone weight loss i wanted the risk of pregnancy even less. Contraception made me bloated which showed up as weight. I will NOT take hormonal contraception anymore I worked bloody hard to lose the obesity that the NHS is always moaning about.

I have had a couple of other partners. On the Depo i felt secure but on the mini pill i was fucking paranoid about pregnancy. they wont allow me Depo again because of my weight history. I dont feel safe enough on the mini pill + it affected my weight DESPITE STICKING to the healthy eating plan i was doing. I dropped nearly half a stone in ten days after i stopped taking the bloody thing. Im too scared to have sex again even though i miss it sometimes.

Im now 43. And still dont want children. I didnt want them pre or post weight loss.

[WannaBe]

Whatever happened to allowing women to have autonomy over their own bodies? all this telling the OP that she's too young/might change her mind etc is patronising bullshit. She's a grown woman, as long as she signs the consent form in the knowledge that once this is done it can't be undone it's not for anyone else to tell her that she can't be sterilised.

perhaps by that argument we should tell women that they can't have terminations on account of the fact they might regret them in the future? No didn't think so.

[HyacinthBouquetNo1]

Yes, I think that at 25 you are old enough to make your own mind up. I was sterilised aged 25, I had 3 children and we knew we did not want and could not cope with any more. My last pregnancy aged 25, was very hard, the baby was lying in an awkward position and my back was really bad and I could hardly walk for the last couple of months, it was awful and I had horrid nausea. I didnt think my body could cope with another pregnancy and even less if I happened to fall pregnant in my late 30s/early 40s shudder

I never regretted my decision at all, it was wonderful to be free of the worry. The first GP I approached said I was too young, so I saw another in the practice and had no problem getting referred.

[HyacinthBouquetNo1]

Just to add, it was a very quick daycase operation done through keyhole and I never had any side effects from it, I had a hysterectomy aged 39 but was fine from 25-39. it didnt affect my hormones at all.

[Lorelei76]

Helena "Im too scared to have sex again even though i miss it sometimes."

this leads me to wonder if some of these people actually want women to see pregnancy as punishment for sex. It's so awful. I feel for you

[HelenaDove]

Thanks Lorelei I think there is definately an undercurrent of misogyny at play.

[HelenaDove]

The last time i attempted sex it felt like razor blades. I dont know whether it was physical or psychological.

[whersthel1ght]

Mrsjayy yup! I was surprised too. I was given a shed load of info when I was in my mid 20's 10+ years ago sob after I was admitted with a massive womb infection as I demanded to know my options etc. Can't remember the exact figure but something like 60% of women under 35 who are sterilised can become symptomatic and require HRT. It shocked me as I thought it was essentially tying a knot in the tubes but I guess the human body does some pretty cool stuff if it senses it can't do something it thinks it ought to.

That said it is the OP's body and if she passes the necessary psych evaluations to make sure she isn't being pressurised into a decision she isn't wholly comfortable with (not saying she is just making. A point) then they should absolutely consider and allow it

[wrapsuperstar]

I was 27 with two children when my consultant agreed to sterilise me. I didn't go through with the op in the end as my partner had a vasectomy, but doctors were all fairly chill at prospect of sterilising me with two v small kids both born by c-section.

[Historygeek]

I'm going to go against the grain and say I think you may be too young.

Also just to pick up on the point of having body autonomy. Men can't have the snip at 25 either and people are always saying (me included) that if they don't want to make a baby then they should abstain.

I do think 25 is very young and given that women are now having children into their 40's it does seem there's at least a small change the op could change her mind in the future.