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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

376 replies

MidnightMargaritas · 25/08/2016 10:11

So basically I have two lovely kids one 6 year old DD and a 15 month old DS. I have been married to their father for 3 years and we have been together 8 years in total. I have always had problems with hormonal contraception. (Losing hair, getting sick, allergic reactions, pregnancy etc) I'm currently on the depo but dont want to remain on it as it seems to be making me even more anxious (i'm on 50mg sertraline). Have also had the mirena coil, implant (x3), cerelle, cerazette (got pregnant on this), microgynon, cilest (got pregnant on this) and used condoms.
After a very traumatic birth with my son (which ended in EMCS), I had terrible aftercare and PTSD so I decided to ask the GP during my therapy if I could be sterilised. I was told I wasn't allowed. At my age too many women regret sterilisation. I was then told I could meet someone else and decide to have children. The GP then said if one of my kids were to die I could still go on to have more. I left it six months and decided to ask again to be told the same thing and its really upset me. I was also told it costs the NHS a lot of money for the Op. What I dont understand is that if I was to have another child I would need a lot of therapy, medication, scans and i'd probably end up needing another c-section. Surely it would be more cost effective to let me be sterilised?
When I knew they werent relenting I asked about my DH having the snip. They said that was also unlikely due to his age.
I'd rather have the op because the thought of me ever being pregnant terrifies me. Even if me and my husband separate I would never want to have another child. I couldn't cope. I couldn't afford to get it done privately (6K)
So AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

OP posts:
EnquiringMingeWantsToKnow · 05/09/2016 18:18

You've obviously thought about the risks of regret carefully OP, and for you the downsides of all contraceptive alternatives outweigh that risk.

I don't like the medical profession's dismissal of those downsides, and I think they should shift the goalposts to some extent, but I also don't like the way that some people on this thread dismiss the pain of secondary infertility and imply that people whose lives change in ways they didn't imagine are just indecisive idiots whose intense distress doesn't matter at all.

user1471552005 · 05/09/2016 18:18

IVF does not irreversibly change your body.

DesolateWaist · 05/09/2016 18:30

No but you could argue that IVF is a lifestyle choice.

Also, a resulting pregnancy, assuming all goes well and the baby is carried to term, is irreversible.

user1471552005 · 05/09/2016 18:39

The ethical problem for the surgeon remains.

To permanently make a woman infertile is not something to be taken lightly.

Propertyquandry · 05/09/2016 19:42

All this talk about women who are refused then go on to have another baby. What about those who end up terminating, then terminating again (as I would) ? I would rather slit my wrists than have another baby regardless of bereavment, new partner or anything else. I would terminate over and over and over. Surely allowing a woman to be sterilised helps avoid unnecessary terminations esp for those who cannot cope with hormonal contraceptives?

user1471552005 · 05/09/2016 19:59

You think sterilization or repeated abortions are the only ways to plan a family?

Propertyquandry · 05/09/2016 20:08

No of course not. But if you know you are done and you struggle with hormonal contraception then sterilisation is a valid option. If Drs refuse and you get pregnant, what is the alternative? To carry on with the pregnancy and give birth to an unwanted child? Not me. Not ever. Every single time my less than ideal contraception failed, I'd be off for a termination. Every time.

Propertyquandry · 05/09/2016 20:14

And I say that as someone who is happily married, financially very secure and who was lucky enough to pop my babies out without any trouble or trauma.
As an adult, I believe I should be able to make decisions regarding my fertility which shouldn't have to include pumping myself full of hormones that make me ill or being subjected to the barbarism that is the coil.

user1471552005 · 05/09/2016 20:14

I "knew I was done" but also wasn't naiive enough to assume how I would feel 5 or 10 tears in the future.
In the 35 fertile years I have had in my life I have used hormonal contraception for 4 of them. So 31 years of an active sex life and only conceiving when I wanted to without hormonal contraception.

Propertyquandry · 05/09/2016 20:26

Well yes, I'm not suggesting that condoms regularly fail. I used them for many years without getting pregnant. I'm saying that after 4 children I know beyond any doubt that I am done. I thought I may be done after 2, then likely done after 3. But at no point after 2 or 3 was I utterly convinced beyond all doubt that that was it. Maybe 80%, which isn't certain enough to seek sterilisation. I knew the moment DD was born that I had now reached 100% and that under no circumstances would I ever allow another pregnancy to progress.

BikeGeek · 05/09/2016 20:59

People's lives do change and the fact that there are so many women seeking reversals ( 10%)

Surely this is just proof that the vast majority don't regret it and don't seek reversals. Why should policy be decided on the minority that do?

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 05/09/2016 21:03

I think that regardless of your age, as the mother of two children you should be entitled to be sterilized if you wish to be.

I do think that anyone who wants to be sterilized should sign a legal document to say that they agree they will not be entitled to a reversal on the NHS though.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/09/2016 21:16

I think a lot of women suffering from infertility (primary, secondary, or self-inflicted) really do feel like the sky has fallen on their heads Dowager. It's devastating and I don't think "so what?" is appropriate. Even if it's a risk worth taking in some cases it's still a huge deal.

But we're so very clearly not talking about that cohort of women. Of course it's devastating not to have children if you're infertile, and desperately want them. Confused

We're talking about women who have children, and who don't want any more. If they sterilise and then change their minds - it's them that has to live with their own decision.

user1471552005 · 05/09/2016 21:22

dowager- but why only women who have had children? You are making a judgement there too- why not any woman, regardless if she has children or not?

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/09/2016 21:39

I fully support women who haven't had children, and who wish to be sterilised, too!

user1473106504 · 05/09/2016 21:46

I think it is your choice but at your age I think you may regret it. I know you have two children already but you never know

Yorkieheaven · 05/09/2016 23:55

With you op. When you know you are complete you know. I have 4 and no way would I have wanted another. I would have aborted.

25 year old adults should make a decision but obviously medical staff should be free from any future legal action.

HelenaDove · 06/09/2016 00:17

user i knew by the time i was 20 that i didnt want children. I still know it at 43.

There has been a lot of talk about how being sterilized can wreck a womans life.

Well ...............not being sterilized wrecked mine.

HeyOverHere · 06/09/2016 00:40

Sorry OP but at 25 you ate so young. You have 20 childbearing years ahead of you. Almost as long as you'be been alive! Anything could happen and you will be an entirely different person in ten years' time. This isn't what you want to hear I know.

So she should live the next 20 years in fear? So she could feel obliged to go through with yet another accidental, unwanted pregnancy, or face the decision of abortion or adoption?

No, no, no. She is a grown woman. She already has two kids. She knows what she wants and why she wants it, and it is not a whim. She should absolutely be able to be sterilized if she wishes it. The chances of her truly regretting it later are slimmer than the chances of anotherundesiredpregnancy, and if she does regret it, there's ways to deal with having another child. IVF, surrogates, and adoption, for instance.

OP, YANBU. At all. Fight for it if you have to, but you can do it. There is nothing wrong with wanting it, even if you didn't have kids!

LucyBabs · 08/09/2016 01:23

How patronising to be told "you don't know how you'll feel in ten years"
How about leaving adult women to make decisions about their reproductive health.
It won't matter to you if a woman is sterilised and then regrets her decison.
I imagine a woman has to have counselling beforehand to assess her decision?

I'm surprised at some of the replies here..I expect this from old Catholic Ireland Hmm

Also I got pregnant 3 years after having a copper coil fitted. I had an abortion as I knew I never want more children.

Trust women

Raych0905 · 26/04/2019 17:19

I got sterilised at 23 after 4 dc in 4 years worst thing I ever did I have just had a reversal privately and am now ttc again I was told I was allowed it as I had over 3 children otherwise have to wait til 30

havingtochangeusernameagain · 26/04/2019 17:24

As an adult, I believe I should be able to make decisions regarding my fertility which shouldn't have to include pumping myself full of hormones that make me ill or being subjected to the barbarism that is the coil

This. If there are no sensible alternative options, what is left for the OP? Rhythm method? Not exactly reliable. Abstinence? No fun.

BarbarianMum · 26/04/2019 17:27

I think adults should be able to choose sterilization at any age. If some then change their minds that's unfortunate but there you go.

isseywithcats · 26/04/2019 17:54

i was lucky that attitudes back in the 1980s were different at 24 and pregnant for the third time (second time of falling on the pill) i was adamant that no more children as i didnt want three to start with and i managed to argue my case and got sterilised 2 days after my third child was born, i am now 62 and have never regretted it for one single day

slashlover · 26/04/2019 17:56

I got sterilised at 23 after 4 dc in 4 years worst thing I ever did I have just had a reversal privately and am now ttc again I was told I was allowed it as I had over 3 children otherwise have to wait til 30

You bumped a 2 1/2 year old thread for this?

I didn't want kids at 16, now 40 and still don't want them. What if someone had said to you at 18/19 that you were too young to decide to have kids?