AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

[MidnightMargaritas]

So basically I have two lovely kids one 6 year old DD and a 15 month old DS. I have been married to their father for 3 years and we have been together 8 years in total. I have always had problems with hormonal contraception. (Losing hair, getting sick, allergic reactions, pregnancy etc) I'm currently on the depo but dont want to remain on it as it seems to be making me even more anxious (i'm on 50mg sertraline). Have also had the mirena coil, implant (x3), cerelle, cerazette (got pregnant on this), microgynon, cilest (got pregnant on this) and used condoms.
After a very traumatic birth with my son (which ended in EMCS), I had terrible aftercare and PTSD so I decided to ask the GP during my therapy if I could be sterilised. I was told I wasn't allowed. At my age too many women regret sterilisation. I was then told I could meet someone else and decide to have children. The GP then said if one of my kids were to die I could still go on to have more. I left it six months and decided to ask again to be told the same thing and its really upset me. I was also told it costs the NHS a lot of money for the Op. What I dont understand is that if I was to have another child I would need a lot of therapy, medication, scans and i'd probably end up needing another c-section. Surely it would be more cost effective to let me be sterilised?
When I knew they werent relenting I asked about my DH having the snip. They said that was also unlikely due to his age.
I'd rather have the op because the thought of me ever being pregnant terrifies me. Even if me and my husband separate I would never want to have another child. I couldn't cope. I couldn't afford to get it done privately (6K)
So AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

I think there is a big difference between someone who says that they don't ever want any children and someone who says that their family is complete.
I would be inclined to refuse a 25 year old child free woman as there is time to change your mind. A 25 year old mother of two is far less likely to change her mind, in my opinion any way.

I see your point Ginger, however you say that they won't pay out for three children but they won't let you be sterilised. The problem is that it is two different theys.

I was sterilised at 26 after 2 emergency c-sections and a trauma I'd rather not go into again, back to my point they fobbed me off with the same reasons until I finally said if they didn't do it I would take matters into my own hands as I couldn't go through anymore worrying and pregnancy scares. My advice keep asking for another opinion harass them until they listen. I'm now 10 years on and so much happier hth

I see your point desolate, it's a good one. But then I suppose that opens another can of worms

Desolate Yes, technically two different "theys" but I think you can still see the point here. Government says "don't have children you can't afford" so young parents of 2 children decide "okay, our family is complete, we don't want more, we want sterilisation" and NHS says no. They use contraception, but as we all know, that's not 100%, so woman gets pregnant. Now they're financially strapped as they wanted to sterilisation but weren't allowed, but now forced to deal with the ramifications of pregnancy and another child that benefits/WTC won't cover as it's their third child, when they had tried to prevent this happening so they could afford to raise the family they already had.

I was refused at 25 27 28 and 30. Im now 43 but still feel the same.

sorry, random "to" in there. My typing is going downhill tonight.

helena that's awful. Surely they can look back on your documentation and see that you've felt this way for nearly 2 decades?!

tbh i havent asked in the last ten years and as am currently in a celibate situation i might as well wait for menopause now. I wanted to make the point on this thread though because what would i do if my marriage wasnt sexless.

There are many sexually active women over 40 who face crap choices in contraception.

I don't blame women who just want to forego contraception altogether. It's horrendous for some of us. I've tried all sorts of hormonal ones, multiple pills, injection, implant... they were NOT good for me at all. So I got the copper coil (not hormones yay) but that's been horrible too and I've been in pain ever since. If a woman has no intention of having children they shouldn't have to put themselves through so much.

Totally agree Mind. Ive had combined pill, Norplant Depo and Mini Pill.

Im sorry you are in pain with the coil. Thats shit

Thanks Helena the things we have to do ey! And its me (not DP) who doesn't like condoms either, I really do wish they'd create a male contraceptive so we could give that a go.

I was sterilised at 23. I had to fight like mad because I didn't have either children or a husband (I had a partner). I was mad, too - because the doctors and psychologists telling me patronisingly that I would change my mind and that having children was the greatest thing in a woman's life were all male. I paid for the operation myself as well - it wasn't as if I was asking for anything 'free' (as in some return for my taxes...). Finally, they gave in - and so I've had thirty-eight years of worry-free fun.

I wasn't allergic to contraception (although horrified by a friend's heart attack, brought on by her contraceptive pill, which not only threatened her health but ruined her career as a dancer), I just didn't see the point of risking my health and having the NHS fund years of contraception when I knew I didn't want children.

You hear lots about the women who regret being sterilised (although a lot of this is scare stories from doctors, so I'm not totally convinced), but you don't often hear from those of us who made a choice and remained happy with it over the years. So from now on I'm going to speak out - and here it is: I'm happy with the choice I made!

By the way, it's not that expensive to be sterilised: Marie Stopes will perform sterilisations for around the £1,500 mark.

I asked to be steralised after my third child at 26. It was refused. Ultimately a year later circumstances mean i wasn't fertile anymore anyway, but I'm now 37 and still do not and will not ever want more children even if I could. Its so incredibly patronising that grown adults cant make their own decisions on this matter.

After child no 2 I decided my family was complete and opted to pay to have my tubes tied. I was made to go through counselling but remained adamant that I would never have another. Didn't want my husband to be the one to have it done as he might want more children if I died wheras under no circumstances did I want another baby. I remember telling them that I would abort rather than go through another delivery which brought the consultation to a end very quickly. The TL was done through my navel leaving no scarring on my tummy and I have never regretted it. That was 37 years ago!!!

I was 28 when I was sterilised, my consultant said it was too high a risk for me to get pregnant again as it could kill me & I was operated on a week later, never regretted it until the menopause & that was, I think the knowledge that , biologically rather than surgically, I could never have another baby

I was 23 when I asked for the operation, I had 3 children and very unsuccessful experiences with all types of contraception, I was referred to hospital only to be told that because I have ( rather had) high eastrogen levels, that sterilisation would be dangerous as it increases the chance of ectopic pregnancy, so they suggested my other half had snip instead. He was 25 and we had the whole doom and gloom talk including the loss of a child part, he went ahead and had operation. Anyway fast forward 20 years and we have since divorced and I am re married and went on to have another child, so yes 20 years ago we thought we both knew what our future was going to be, however we were wrong. I dont know if xh regrets having snip

You have every right not to have anymore children. There are already 7 billion people on Earth.

It's a not necessary procedure for a cash strapped NHS. That money should be used for more life and death situations.

I also think that people change a lot after 25. What many, not all, want now may not be what they want later on in life.

Having said the above, the op does seem to have extenuating circumstances so maybe it it right that it has been agreed on an individual basis.

Haven't read the thread. I was sterilised 18 months ago aged 36, and I have to say it is such a relief. But... It was done at the same time as my fourth c-section and the doctors had already advised that my body would not support another pregnancy. (And am not in UK)

That said, I still had to sign what felt like a million, trillion, gazillion papers and they checked with me constantly to make sure that I wasn't changing my mind (inc just before they snipped!). I was advised that there was no going back, however, IVF would remain an option.

However, I have one (single, childless) friend who battled to be sterilised as she does not want children. Everyone she saw refused, until she found a private surgeon who agreed to put clips on, rather than cut her tubes. That way, if she ever changed her mind, it could be easily undone. However, a clip could come off and she would not know about it until pregnancy presented itself.

I hope you can find a solution. Keep trying, record everything. If your partner is willing, then male sterilisation is much easier, and cheaper for the NHS. I know you said he has been told he is too young, but don't give up...

I think you should be allowed. It's your body and you'll be saving them money fgs!
However they aren't going to do it so a private vasectomy for your partner is much cheaper- around £500.
Or there are non hormonal and barrier forms of contraception.
Or not having piv sex. You can still enjoy sex just don't do the one act that risks pregnancy,

The pp who said that avoiding piv sex is 'allowing' your husband to fuck you up the Arse that's ridiculous.
There's plenty of ways to enjoy sex that don't risk pregnancy that are very satisfying and enjoyable. Oral sex, mutual masturbation, using toys etc. Piv sex not usually as enjoyable for women as it is for men anyway and it puts us at huge risk! It's not necessary to do.

DHs ex MIL conceived at 46.

Yes, occasionally women conceive in their mid forties but as I said, very rare to conceive naturally in late forties or early fifties.

'Piv sex not usually as enjoyable for women as it is for men anyway and it puts us at huge risk! It's not necessary to do.'

Eh?! I feel sorry for you, that you truly believe that. No, it's not necessary to do, for men or women, but personally, I'd find life without it a complete drag. I wouldn't find it 'just as enjoyable' without PIV and still wouldn't at 45. Plenty of women enjoy PIV immensely and would feel frustrated sexually without it. Certainly at the age of 25, I would not have considered a life without it unless medically necessary. It's sad so many women throw this out as an 'option' when it really isn't for plenty of other women.

And of course, Mary, everyone knows it's rare for women to conceive and have a baby in late 40s/early 50s but it's only rare when it doesn't happen to you and so despite being 'rare' that's why women need to practice contraception until menopause.

There was some ignorant bean on here spouting that women over 45 don't need contraception. Haahaahaa.

'I'm in a new relationship he has a son he never wanted and finds parenting his child a struggle and is adamant he wants no more. '

Then why the hell hasn't he had the snip? He's still expecting whatever woman he's with to use the contraception? What a dickhead! Anyone who doesn't want anymore kids, or any kids, ever, but expects others to prevent that is a git.

You are not being unreasonable in looking at all the contraception options (including sterilisation) now given your difficult contraceptive and pregnancy histories. However, the GP would be being negligent if they did not look at the complete picture of where you are now, but also at where you might be in terms of your fertility in 10-20 years time. You do not know what the future holds for you. Relationships end, circumstances change. Your 'now' self might know categorically that you never want any more children. What if your future self ends up with a new partner who desperately wants biological children with you, and perhaps you with them? As countless numbers of women will testify, your feelings about pregnancy and childbirth will differ radically from the months immediately post-delivery (especially if traumatic) and your feelings a few years down the line when you can take a more proportionate view. When your children are nearer to leaving home, you might have very different feelings about the empty nest and might want to have another child/children.

In your circumstances, I would take at least a couple of years to take stock. Recognise that while it may not be the answer you want to hear, your GP is only trying to look after your best interests. Go back to your gynaecologist and re-explore contraceptive options. Many women 'try' the Mirena coil, but take it out far too quickly when there are side-effects without giving it a proper chance. It took me 6 months for mine to settle down properly and then I have had 12 years of beautiful, trouble-free protection with no periods and all my hormonal PMS-type symptoms erased. Good luck...