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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

376 replies

MidnightMargaritas · 25/08/2016 10:11

So basically I have two lovely kids one 6 year old DD and a 15 month old DS. I have been married to their father for 3 years and we have been together 8 years in total. I have always had problems with hormonal contraception. (Losing hair, getting sick, allergic reactions, pregnancy etc) I'm currently on the depo but dont want to remain on it as it seems to be making me even more anxious (i'm on 50mg sertraline). Have also had the mirena coil, implant (x3), cerelle, cerazette (got pregnant on this), microgynon, cilest (got pregnant on this) and used condoms.
After a very traumatic birth with my son (which ended in EMCS), I had terrible aftercare and PTSD so I decided to ask the GP during my therapy if I could be sterilised. I was told I wasn't allowed. At my age too many women regret sterilisation. I was then told I could meet someone else and decide to have children. The GP then said if one of my kids were to die I could still go on to have more. I left it six months and decided to ask again to be told the same thing and its really upset me. I was also told it costs the NHS a lot of money for the Op. What I dont understand is that if I was to have another child I would need a lot of therapy, medication, scans and i'd probably end up needing another c-section. Surely it would be more cost effective to let me be sterilised?
When I knew they werent relenting I asked about my DH having the snip. They said that was also unlikely due to his age.
I'd rather have the op because the thought of me ever being pregnant terrifies me. Even if me and my husband separate I would never want to have another child. I couldn't cope. I couldn't afford to get it done privately (6K)
So AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 27/08/2016 23:46

There are a few different types of latex free. The pasante latex free are a completely different material to the durex or mates ones so worth trying.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2016 00:51

Like a pp said, you have 20 childbearing years ahead of you and no one can possibly know what they'll want in the future (as much as we all like to think we will).

Maybe not, but she knows what she wants now.

We all have to make decisions we have to live with and as this one is for the OP's own good and that of her family she should be allowed to make it.

Worrying that she might change her mind is neither here no there. I can almost understand the medical POV if she didn't already have children, (only almost) but she does so sterilisation is not the end of the world.

Mamafaery · 28/08/2016 09:47

YANBU. My ex had a vasectomy when he was 21, one year after our son was born. I had a horrendous time with contraception like you (side effects and multiple failures) and we didn't want any more children. On the whole I think there's some fairly intense sexism going on there. The NHS wouldn't dream of sterilising a woman at 21 but my ex had absolutely no problem accessing a vasectomy.

expatinscotland · 28/08/2016 11:55

These threads always go the same way. An OP posts that she wants sterilised or her partner wants a vasectomy and you get this litany of posters telling her to get a coil.

MindSweeper · 28/08/2016 12:24

I honestly would never recommend the coil to anyone. It seems hit and miss for people at best, half the people I know hate it, half the people I know love it. It would be interesting to see removal stats.

All irrelevant I suppose anyway because OP doesn't want contraception.

expatinscotland · 28/08/2016 12:31

I was one of those miss people. Took 10 months to get them to take that fucking thing out. And I still get asked, age 45, if I would like to try one despite my h having has a vasectomy and my not being there to ask about contraception. I still have a regular cycle and I hope it stays stable because if I start having dysmenorrhea I just know the first thing they'll try to do is ram a fucking Mirena in, which is not going to happen.

MindSweeper · 28/08/2016 12:39

I regret having it. I've not been the same since. I'm bloated every day, I have to drink shit loads of peppermint tea for the bloating to be alleviated. I'm absolutely terrified of my next period because the first one was horrendous, but can't have it out before then Angry

So it sort of bugs me when people say 'oh have the coil!' it's actually a bigger thing than people realise, even the fitting can be quite bad IMO.

I'm not surprised they're giving unsolicited contraceptive advice to a 45 year old woman who hasn't asked about it, because they do the same to my mum. Every time she goes, whether its about her chronic conditions or something new she gets offered the implant and is has absolutely no bearing on her conditions whatsoever.

Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 28/08/2016 15:17

I wont be getting another coil. No chance. I had infections last time. Doctor wouldnt remove them even with pain and high temperature which resulted in them coming out on their own.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 28/08/2016 18:55

Midnight did it just.........fall out.

Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 28/08/2016 18:59

First one did, it was painful. The second one was partially out, it had to be removed by an A&E doctor who had never removed one.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 28/08/2016 19:12

Jesus Christ. Midnight thats awful Thanks

What women are expected to go through...........

Basicbrown · 29/08/2016 07:04

I didn't get on with the coil. I had pain, bled 3 weeks out of 4 and developed thrush that would not go away. But if 50% of people think they're great then for them they are. It's not as if it's permanent once the blasted thing was out everything went back to normal.

user1471552005 · 29/08/2016 07:09

OP you are very young. Sterilisation is permanent.
My SIL had two kids and was considering sterilisation. My BIL collapsed and died at the gym in the shower leaving her widowed in her early 30s.
You don't know what life has to throw at you.

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/08/2016 08:48

I think the OP knows it's permanent, better than anyone.

And there are many, many, many, many, many people out there who have X number of children and know in their heart of hearts, that that is ALL the children they want.

Meeting another man at 30, 35, 40 - whatever - has no bearing on it, all. Confused The OP doesn't want any more children. Not with any man. Not the current man, not a future hypothetical man, not the man on the moon. The man has nothing to do with it - it's children she doesn't want.

user1471552005 · 29/08/2016 08:57

When I was 28 I didn't want children. Ever.

I now have two.

Advicepls7080 · 29/08/2016 08:58

But the Op has children and doesn't want anymore :s I could understand your point user if she didn't have any but she does

LyraMortalia · 29/08/2016 09:05

I was sterilized at 28 now 52 it was the right decision. I started asking at 26 as I can't take the pill and have two gorgeous dc thanks to the cap/condoms. I had a disastrous experience with a coil and had to have an operation to have it removed and was sterilized at the same time. Keep asking, demanding whatever you need to do your situation is unworkable 💐

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/08/2016 10:11

So what, user? What's your feelings (pre-kids, what's more!) got to do with the OP?

Besides, loads of people are convinced they don't want kids in their 20s. Again, irrelevant to the OP.

Dowser · 29/08/2016 10:17

My exh had it done aged 27 when we had three children.

( I often have a chuckle when I read threads where people are in their late 20s and too young to have a child. We had mortgage, children and cat!)

Nanny0gg · 29/08/2016 12:26

OP you are very young. Sterilisation is permanent.
My SIL had two kids and was considering sterilisation. My BIL collapsed and died at the gym in the shower leaving her widowed in her early 30s. You don't know what life has to throw at you.

So?
She already has children. Worse case scenario - she is sterilized and years later wishes she hadn't been. I think that's better than getting pregnant again with a child she doesn't want.

Original poster
MidnightMargaritas · 29/08/2016 12:30

I'd abort everytime my contraception failed. That is the only way i'd get pregnant again. I do not want anymore children ever. It's that simple. For those of you that seem to think I will change my mind have no idea the amount of heartache and trauma I've already experienced. No man is worth going through that again (for those of you who seem to think if I get divorced I'd have more kids for a man).
This is what I want. I'm 25 not some stubborn teenager. I know my mind.

OP posts:
EnquiringMingeWantsToKnow · 29/08/2016 12:34

But maybe the anonymous newbie poster also knew in her heart of hearts that she'd never want another child ever ever, Dowager. Or at least would have claimed that she knew, just like a small but noticeable percentage of young women who wanted sterilisation but then changed their minds. We have to strike a balance between serving the needs of the women for whom other contraception doesn't work but minimising the number who will suffer devastating regret - and that means placing hurdles in the way - although maybe lower that they are currently set. And it definitely means asking the question about what you would want if your children died, however bad taste it might seem.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/08/2016 12:43

I'm sorry that you're still being patronised and patted on the head by somebody called user-random numbers. The sooner MNHQ sorts out this 'user crap', the better.

I'm gobsmacked at Enquiring asking about what you would want if your children died... so breathtakingly tactless and rude - and absolutely none of anybody else's business! I can't believe she works in the medical field at all. Enquiring, how about not infantilising women, treating them as adults who know their own mind, you know, like you do with men? A woman who wants to be sterilised - and then is - and changes her mind, takes the consequences of that. End of.

Making every woman suffer for the terminally indecisive. ffs.

hunibuni · 29/08/2016 13:08

I had a hysterectomy for medical reasons when I was 33 and DD was 3. There's a 10 year gap between DS and DD and there wasn't a mission that I would want to get pregnant again. She was a complete surprise and conceived despite me being on the pill and having taken the morning after pill. The pregnancy nearly ripped us apart since DH had already been to see about a vasectomy. After her birth my endo got so bad that I was spending most of my days either bleeding or using strong painkillers. Tried everything, pills, mirena (was so sick the gp took it out after a month), copper coil (which became embedded so had to come out) and still the Dr (female) wouldn't agree to a hysterectomy because I was still young and might change my mind Hmm even though DH had his vasectomy by then. Finally got a male Dr to agree after I asked him I he would put up with the pain of being stomped on the balls with steel toe boots every day for months at an end.

I can't see how clipping or tying your tubes should need more hassle than I had, or for that matter why the OPs contraceptive choice should be anyone else's decision. She understands that it's permanent and so long as she's willing to accept that an reversal will be expensive and the chances of pregnancy after that are slim, then why shouldn't she do what suits her. That is the information that DH was given for his vasectomy, can't see why it should be any different for a woman.

EnquiringMingeWantsToKnow · 29/08/2016 13:22

I don't work in the medical field and never said I did. But I'm not prepared to dismiss the pain of women who suffer post-sterilisation regret, possibly after an abusive spouse has left them, possibly after they lose a child as simply "indecision" that they should suck up because it was their choice.The women on the "TTC after vasectomy" thread are going through hell as well but at least they have more hope.

The OP will almost certainly not change her mind - even in their twenties most women don't. But some will. And the closer we moved to instant sterilisation on demand the more that will be.

As it happens I'm a utilitarian which means that I count the pain of the women refused surgery equally with the women given surgery who suffer regret so I personally would lower the barriers to some extent, give the OP her surgery and increase the number who have to live with the appalling emotional consequences of a change of mind. But doctors weigh the harm of positive actions higher than the harm of negative actions which is why they set the bar so high.