AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

[MidnightMargaritas]

So basically I have two lovely kids one 6 year old DD and a 15 month old DS. I have been married to their father for 3 years and we have been together 8 years in total. I have always had problems with hormonal contraception. (Losing hair, getting sick, allergic reactions, pregnancy etc) I'm currently on the depo but dont want to remain on it as it seems to be making me even more anxious (i'm on 50mg sertraline). Have also had the mirena coil, implant (x3), cerelle, cerazette (got pregnant on this), microgynon, cilest (got pregnant on this) and used condoms.
After a very traumatic birth with my son (which ended in EMCS), I had terrible aftercare and PTSD so I decided to ask the GP during my therapy if I could be sterilised. I was told I wasn't allowed. At my age too many women regret sterilisation. I was then told I could meet someone else and decide to have children. The GP then said if one of my kids were to die I could still go on to have more. I left it six months and decided to ask again to be told the same thing and its really upset me. I was also told it costs the NHS a lot of money for the Op. What I dont understand is that if I was to have another child I would need a lot of therapy, medication, scans and i'd probably end up needing another c-section. Surely it would be more cost effective to let me be sterilised?
When I knew they werent relenting I asked about my DH having the snip. They said that was also unlikely due to his age.
I'd rather have the op because the thought of me ever being pregnant terrifies me. Even if me and my husband separate I would never want to have another child. I couldn't cope. I couldn't afford to get it done privately (6K)
So AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

It's outrageous that people (women, usually, although also men) are denied it purely because they might change their mind.

Even if they DO change their mind, that's their risk to take, surely?

My BIL collapsed and died at the gym in the shower leaving her widowed in her early 30s. You don't know what life has to throw at you.

And?
It is possible to be in a relationship without having children you know.

enquiring do you worry equally about men regretting a vasectomy? Or is it just women who don't know their own minds?

I see every day the consequences of men and women choosing to have children and regretting that decision. However, no one stops them from having sex in their 20s "because they may change their mind afterwards".

The "problem" is simple: the extended, patriarchal belief that for a woman to have children is the "right" and "better" choice, so any risk of her changing her mind and wanting children trumps any control she may have over her own body.

Women make many life-changing, irreversible decisions in their 20s, many before that. I am sure many regret those decisions afterwards. They are still free to make them. It's called free choice.

I recommend the OP to start saving for a private sterilisation, after all an unwanted baby would certainly cost her much more than 2000GBP.

I do think that medical professionals need to consider the risk of men changing their mind about vasectomy - you only have to look on the "TTC after vasectomy" thread to see the heart ache - but you also see the hope on that thread because it is much more reversible. DH had a vasectomy and was advised not to proceed before his youngest child had reached a eighteen months old to minimise SIDS risk.

'DH had a vasectomy and was advised not to proceed before his youngest child had reached a eighteen months old to minimise SIDS risk.'

How does a vasectomy cause SIDS? Is that the magic age after which children don't die from SIDS, because I know the parents of several who did after that, they just change the name to SDIC.

Children die at all sorts of ages.

My husband had a vasectomy 7 years ago.

Our daughter died 4 years ago from cancer. She was 9.

Neither of us wanted another child even following her death. He knew when he had the vasectomy he never wanted to father another child.

They're not replaceable, you know, and adults of sound mind should be able to make whatever decision they feel is best concerning their ability to reproduce.

That's simply what the doctor said to DH. Children can of course die at any age, but the first twelve months are the riskiest.

Many people do not have any wish to have another baby when their child dies. Some do though, it's a known risk factor for sterlisation regret. I really didn't want to reopen the child bereavement issue, but it was a concrete example of a doctor not just assuming that men know best, and considering the risk of their changing their mind.

I am, as ever, so sorry for your loss expat.

'Some do though, it's a known risk factor for sterlisation regret.'

I'd like to see just how many that is, some actual evidence, not anecdotes. Because I'd venture to guess it's incredibly, incredibly slim. It's a straw man argument for denying someone access to sterilisation, too. Scaremongering is a pretty weak tool.

This gets rolled out in every one of these threads, too. 'What if your kids die?' Well, I just run right out and pop out another one.

Our son wasn't 18 months old when DH had his. His doctor just advised him that this was permanent contraception and made sure he understood this.

It's still permanent. He has no regrets.

There is data, but it normally comes from less developed countries where both female sterilisation and child mortality were more common. How applicable that would be to the UK, I couldn't say.

On reflection I think you're right that it's overplayed by doctors - apart from anything else I can't imagine what useful answer the patient could give, how could they possibly know? but I'd put that down to the doctors' internal emotional processes and fear of doing the wrong thing, rather than attribute it to a desire to scare women out of that choice. I'm influenced in my atttribution of motives by the fact that it was brought up in a situation where they were 100% happy to give DH the snip and weren't trying to dissuade him at all.

I see every day the consequences of men and women choosing to have children and regretting that decision.
This 1000 times.
Granted you can't undo sterilisation but undoing an unwanted child.......

Yanbu. See a different GP. That one is a muppet.

Well that's certainly true about the irreversibility of childbirth. Again it's about the medical profession's moral bias about positive rather than negative action - if you need medical help for fertility then suddenly you have to jump through umpteen hoops to prove you should have a child. Though at least the recent push for LARC is rooted in a determination to see that women who don't want to conceive don't - it's just a shame about the side effects.

Even on MN threads though, where a poster is unsure whether to have a child (whether or not she's pg) it's sometimes hard to see past a tidal wave of positive thinking.

There are a lot of positives about NOT having children when you don't want them.

I have 4 children and even if my worse nightmare came true and I lost them all, I still could never ever face pregnancy again. If I ever got pregnant again I would terminate regardless of any other circumstances. If DH died and I discovered I was pregnant shortly afterwards I would still terminate without a second's hesitation. I am not a child I know when I am done. Most adult women also know when they are done whether that's after 1, 2 or 6.

The ethical position of the doctor has to be considered too.
Doctors must firstly "do no harm"
Performing such life changing surgery on someone so young ( and healthy) must be done with ethical considerations in mind.

People's lives do change and the fact that there are so many women seeking reversals ( 10%) is proof that they don't always get it right.

A good friend of mine, intelligent, articulate tried for several years to get a sterilisation in her mid 20s. She had two children already and knew that she would never want any more. Her attempts failed and she was very frustrated.
Roll on 10 years, her marriage failed, she met a new partner and had 2 more kids in her late 30s.

Again, so what?

And if she had been successful in her sterilisation attempts, then she wouldn't have been able to have those two more children, and the sky wouldn't have fallen on her head.

A good friend of mine was refused sterilisation because she was still young etc. She has since had a gorgeous girl, I can't imagine all our lives without her.
It's a huge, irreversible decision and I would certainly not want to do it to a 25 year old if I was a doctor.
I'm much older than op but really do feel like a different person than I was even say a year ago let alone ten or twenty.
The aftermath of an horrific birth, pnd and poor aftercare experience is not the time to make major decisions.
If hormonal contraception is not an option then how about rhythm method combined with condoms. I appreciate OP you have experienced irritation but perhaps look into different lubes etc. You sound very black and white in your thinking which is completely understandable, given you are suffering anxiety and just recovered from pnd, but I just want to gently suggest it may be affecting how you think in terms of 'there is no other option' type stance. Give yourself a little time.

Dowager - pretty sure her kids would be glad her sterilisation attempts didn't work!

This is a lifestyle surgery. It is surgery normally performed on a healthy person.

I may decide that I would look cute with one leg. Finding a surgeon to remove my healthy leg may prove difficult.

Although that is an extreme example their are similar ethical considerations for the surgeon.

I think a lot of women suffering from infertility (primary, secondary, or self-inflicted) really do feel like the sky has fallen on their heads Dowager. It's devastating and I don't think "so what?" is appropriate. Even if it's a risk worth taking in some cases it's still a huge deal.

Its a huge deal that I wish to go through. I really dont want anymore children. Im waiting for my appointment to come through. The amount of patronising people on here is incredible.
Now is the time to make the decision monkeymama or should I wait until I've gone through another traumatic experience such as an abortion or horrific birth experience (thats if I make it through another).

it is a huge, irreversible decision
So is having children.

This is a lifestyle surgery. It is surgery normally performed on a healthy person.

Would you say the same about IVF?

That is as much a 'lifestyle' choice too.

Dowager - pretty sure her kids would be glad her sterilisation attempts didn't work!

Would you say the same to some who was contemplating an abortion?