AIBU to think being a SAHP to a six-month-old baby and under five is harder than most jobs?

[TheOddity]

I don't know many people in jobs with a schedule or level of stress like that of a woman on mat leave in school holidays.
My morning, just from 7am to 10am:
Get up by being jumped on, immediately change sodden nappy.
Nappy in nappy bucket
Get four breakfasts ready while entertaining baby and answering questions/4yo stream of consciousness.
Try to find safe place for crawling baby while I wash up. Make den for 4yo.
Wash up, clean high chair, dustpan floor (weaning), wipe floor (crawling).
Hear a cry, sort out teddy stand off.
Put washing on. Spill powder, clean floor
Clean toilet and floor (baby crawls everywhere in a flat).
Baby grumpy and crying and falling all over fighting sleep. Put to sleep while trying to mentally plan lunch.
Finish washing up, have five second shower. Baby wakes distraught (teething). Feed baby while still wet and naked. Won't go back asleep after tiny nap.
Take nappy off again as soaked through and messy from breakfast. Give her some nappy free time.
Encourage toddler to take clothes off to get dressed.
Toddler needs a poo. Juggle wiping bum while baby tries to crawl closer from other room (can't put in cot as she just breaks down. separation anxiety?!)
Baby crying as after two days the nappy free trick has worked and they have done a massive poo on the floor and are now squirming in it. Leave toddler playing in sink while I sort out 'poonami'
'Poonami' sorted, baby back with nappy. Find toddler has flooded floor with water. Wipe up water while listening to baby crying in other room.
Baby dying to finish nap, put in sling while I encourage 4yo to dress. Go downstairs to throw poo and rubbish out. Baby finally asleep in sling.
Share woes with mumsnet while 4yo watches god knows what on TV.
That is three hours. It is totally relentless. And that is just me keeping things how they were before we woke up, no extra cleaning, no shopping, no trips. We go out lots but those bits you have to do at home and getting ready are soooo much harder than my paid job before. Dh then comes home to tell me he is so tired. I breastfeed and do all night feeds.

FWIW with regard to the posts about whether SAHP are valued enough.... What should be valued is parents who raise their children well, to be emotionally health well adjusted members of society. That's the ultimate really isn't it? And neither SAHP or WOHP have a monopoly on that. The generalisation that 'SAHP should be valued' isn't helpful because frankly, a minority of SAHP are neglectful or downright abusive. As are a minority of WOHP.

So I'm all for valuing all parents who are committed to raising happy well adjusted children, whether those parents are WOH or SAH. Being a good parent is extremely demanding at times; it involves saying no, when the easier option is to say yes, it involves getting up for the 10th time in the night to deal with wakeful children, changing a shitty nappy for the umpteenth time, and don't even get me started on the challenges of the teenage years!

But we all do these things, whether we combine it with WOH or not. So the OP would be better off just admitting she's having a tough day and finding it relentless and a bit mind numbing (we can all relate to days like that) rather than being goady and trying to claim she's got a harder job than everyone else

Depends on your job, your children and your attitude/expectations.

Teaching a class of 34 y4/5s the day after having 30 minutes sleep having been up with vomiting 6 year old/four year old and a non-sleeping 7 month old was pretty hard work. I would rather have been a SAHM that day as all 3 slept all morning (according to my parents who had to look after them) yet I had to get up at 6am, go to work and function 100%.

Depends on your DC and your job - it's impossible to generalise. Have had some v stressful jobs in my time but nothing compared to the stress of a first baby with reflux - I thought I would lose my mind. But that's just my experience.

Sounds like you are having a tough time

OP doesn't need to 'try to re-enter the world of work': she's got a job and is on maternity leave.

It's often the disparity between expectations and reality that make things hard: culturally we treat raising children as if it's not really work so when you find your reality is actually very hard work, feels harder than paid work you do/have done, it can be a shock. And the OP's morning sounds hard and lonely.

At least she can get lots of support from other mumsnetters, eh.

I think some people are being a bit unfair. It's comparing apples and oranges. I am a hospital doctor and a mum of three (2,5 and 7, eldest one with and). Some thirteen hour shifts at work are completely mental. I don't wee, I don't eat and I don't drink. I just put my head down and do job after job. This includes really stressful situations like resuscitating newborn and premature infants. But i am objective at work. I can (mentally) step back and prioritise and sort things out in my head. I do part time so i spend alot of time at home with the kids too. On those days i have more down time. I do eat lunch, and watch a bit of TV etc. But I'm not emotionally detached and there is a level of stress when they are all fighting or they all need different things at the same time or they are pestering me for this I have said no to fifty times that beats anything at work. Also at work i do my best and am happy that I'm good enough, but at home i have this guilt that I have let them have too much screen time, or fed them eggy bread and biscuits again etc and constantly have this nagging feeling that everyone is a bit better than me! They are just different. I like that i do alot of both.... It works for me! The fact is you can burn out at home or at work and the comparison doesn't help. Nothing is worse than being on your knees with tiredness and feeling like an emotional wreck and someone coming through the door and saying.. "could be worse, you could have been at work all day!"

YABU - you should try working AND looking after 2 small children. Up at 5.30 to get everything done and kiddies to childcare, a commute, full days work, dashing back for pick ups, then tea, baths, laundry, house stuff etc. etc.

Maternity was a dream in comparison, even with a new born and a toddler...

You makes your choices tho'...

I appreciate Fetchez's compassionate take:

I reckon she's knackered and feels belittled and unappreciated and just wanted to reach out to other people who know how relentless it feels for a bit of affirmation that yes, what she's doing is hard work and of course she's tired!

I'm sorry you're finding it tough, OP. Your situation is no picnic. I only have one dd who's 8 and less hard work now, but spending any time in the company of my nephews, 1 and 3, reduces me to an exhausted heap.

Looking after small children is a different kind of hard from job hard. It's not top trumps, but it doesn't mean it should be dismissed.

I agree with you in some respects, in the sense that parenting is relentless, physically draining, and you are completely 100% responsible for other little people alongside trying to maintain other duties such as cooking, cleaning, and trying to look after yourself too.

However, some jobs are really really stressful too. Imagine a banker or corporate lawyer, waking up at 5am, travelling into London while working on the train, working from 7am until 9pm, home while working on the train, dinner, shower, bed, same again the next day.

Thing is, you shouldn't spend your life comparing because both are completely different but can still raise your stress levels just the same.

I have also found that for the most part looking after my son is a piece of cake a lot of the time compared to studying the Legal Practice Course, whilst working, whilst looking after the home and whilst being pregnant at the same time. I found that really hard work and very stressful. But with my son, yes he is hard work at times and it is relentless, I can get some respite during naps if I like.. I can just say actually today I'm going to leave the dishes until DH comes home and watch soaps instead!!

Different people find different things hard / stressful.

If your child sleeps through, which I gather the OP's doesn't, and you wake up in the morning having had a decent night's sleep, you're also more able to deal with stress.

Personally I find the relentlessness of looking after a toddler far harder than working outside the home, and i have a high pressure, high stress job. I've come in today to meet urgent deadlines and still had time for a hot coffee and a 10-minute MN between reports. And nobody has yet come over to me in floods of tears demanding that "mama fix it" because they can't dismantle an ovulation testing stick they found in a drawer or looked me straight in the eye and thrown yoghurt at me.

So I'm Team OP with this one.

I don't know that life is harder as a SAHP, all things being equal. I was a single parent and going out to work after being up all night with an ill toddler was difficult. When I was a SAHM I could have at least napped on the couch and chosen an easy day, rather than sit in meetings, deal with difficult clients or manage employee issues.

However, looking back, I do think the most stressful hours of my life were the hours getting ready to leave in the mornings. We were pretty organised but even so, just the stress of that limited time of getting everyone out and ready, over to CM and me to the only bus of the day I'm sure shortened my life! Work was a welcome haven when I arrived!

I agree Bummymummy
Also it doesn't matter if you are a full time surgeon who comes home to two kids or a full time garbage collector who comes home to 10 kids.... or a single parent who stays at home ....or a part time working parent... or what ever, we all deserve equal respect as we all work hard in different but equally valuable roles

I don't know. I'm on mat leave (albeit with one child) and there are tough and easy bits to it. The nightmare week was when we all had d and v. B'feeding a sickly baby when you're ill yourself is no picnic. But then at work - there were times when it was so busy that I barely had time for bathroom breaks. I had to join meetings late to try and fit them in, and you have to be there from and to a certain time, whereas at the moment (albeit subject to the whims Idan infant) I can decide where I want to go and what I want to do. If I want to spend the whole day in the flat in pjs, it's happening.

Of course there are many more stressful jobs but there are plenty easier, calmer ones.

I have worked in high pressure environments in law enforcement support but it had plenty of slower thinking time too. I never had anyone screaming, hitting me or running away towards busy roads or had to clean up endless messes while being pulled around. I didn't have to talk and listen constantly or try to physically control uncontrollable unreasonable people.

I find my current role as SAHM to my 2yo and 5yo very stressful and difficult most of the time. I actually feel a weight on my chest stopping me breathe when they start shrieking at each other every time I leave the room to make them food or do some other essential task. Maybe I'm doing it wrong or maybe they are harder to look after than other children, I don't know

I think I find looking after the baby more stressful because the worst thing that could happen is a million times worse than the worse that could happen at work.

It is a shame that anyone has to see these things as a competition of 'hardness'. It depends how much you enjoy specific parts of work/ stay at home life doesn't it?

I have had horrific days with my kids and amazing moments ! I have had insanely boring/ tiring days at work that felt meaningless and empty - and I have skipped with joy at how exciting I found my work on other occasions - even when I was exhausted.

Maternity leave is always hard work with an under 1 involved because of the sleep deprivation. Its actually easier being at work tired I think because there is more distraction.

"I actually feel a weight on my chest stopping me breathe when they start shrieking at each other every time I leave the room to make them food or do some other essential task."

I hear you 100% . Am now selfishly glad that it's not just me.

It's unhelpful to make it a competition but I (perhaps selfishly?) find it extremely reassuring that others find it difficult.

I rather sailed through school and found my job fairly enjoyable if challenging (and the hours were insane at times).

Then I had a baby and it was awful, so so hard. I felt like a constant miserable failure at it and also felt like everyone else had the secret thta made it OK.

I think that day to day being at home with the kids can be more physically tiring. But the mental exhaustion and stress of knowing that if I don't do a good job at work my contract will not be extended and we won't be able to afford the rent makes work a lot more stressful!

You can't really compare the two but in both cases it depends on your personality and your organising abilities.
Being a SAHM, you are your own boss and you don't have to answer to anybody. You can't get sacked but then again you can't just walk away if you have had enough.
At work you can have targets and deadlines and be worried about losing you job - although you do have the choice of leaving if you are fed up of it.
I didn't find being a SAHM to a baby and a 3 year old that difficult, but I was quite relaxed about housework and didn't put pressure on myself to get everything right.
If I had a choice,..I would choose being a SAHM to be honest.

I don't think it's helpful to try to set up competitions to see who has it harder.

Depends on the parents, depends on the kids, the family network, the job.

OP you could find ways of making your day a little easier.
You seem to spend a lot of time washing up. A dishwasher may help, it also keeps the kitchen tidier as all the dirty stuff is out of sight until you are ready to run a load.

I see you are soaking nappies . It's commendable to use cloth nappies I absolutely get concerns about disposables and the environment but it is a lot of work and if this is adding to the burden of stress I think it is worth thinking about whether it is really worth the effort on a personal level.
Many things we do ( including reproducing) burden the environment.
Cloth nappies were not something I wanted to do, but in your position OP I had a 6 month old, a 2 year old and was in the process of setting up a small business from home with no childcare, fitting in work during the kids' afternoon naps.

Apples and oranges. I'm on maternity leave (I'm a nurse) with my first and can honestly say I've never been so tired in my life but I wouldn't say it's the same as when I'm at work.
However OP you need to stop been a martyr for your own sanity. Some of the things you describe are of your own making. Feeding the baby whilst wet and naked is ridiculous and all the juggling whilst trying to clean, deal with the child. *Trying to find a safe space for crawling baby" its called a cot, put baby in and finish getting dry or doing whatever job it is your doing. This morning I had a shower to the soundtrack of my 8 week old making a right racket in his cot, he was dry, just been fed and wasn't in pain. Yes it isn't nice to hear him cry but tough luck, it's 5 minutes and now he's fine.

I found being at home with 3 under 5s brutally hard.

Luckily for me I didn't have a husband that expected me to make his breakfast for him before he went off to his important Man Job.

He also never complained about tiredness during periods when I was sleep deprived and doing all night wakings.

Being taken for granted is very bad for the soul.

It makes everything harder.

I agree with user, it depends so much on you, the children and your partner.
Yes OP, you may find it harder than most of the other jobs you've done. My OH didn't find it so.
He was the SAHP for our two until they were 2 and 6. Does that make him superior? No, just that part-time work from home and two children were within his capabilities and he did a fantastic job.

Hehe frequentlyhappy and rubbishrobot, want to start a support group for mothers whose children scream whenever you leave the room? It drives me Batshit! I have started just punishing the screamer....I know it's unfair....usually they have just been beaten......but the screaming makes me want to hit things!

NO YANBU! I had a baby and toddler. I'm also a nurse!