AIBU to think being a SAHP to a six-month-old baby and under five is harder than most jobs?

[TheOddity]

I don't know many people in jobs with a schedule or level of stress like that of a woman on mat leave in school holidays.
My morning, just from 7am to 10am:
Get up by being jumped on, immediately change sodden nappy.
Nappy in nappy bucket
Get four breakfasts ready while entertaining baby and answering questions/4yo stream of consciousness.
Try to find safe place for crawling baby while I wash up. Make den for 4yo.
Wash up, clean high chair, dustpan floor (weaning), wipe floor (crawling).
Hear a cry, sort out teddy stand off.
Put washing on. Spill powder, clean floor
Clean toilet and floor (baby crawls everywhere in a flat).
Baby grumpy and crying and falling all over fighting sleep. Put to sleep while trying to mentally plan lunch.
Finish washing up, have five second shower. Baby wakes distraught (teething). Feed baby while still wet and naked. Won't go back asleep after tiny nap.
Take nappy off again as soaked through and messy from breakfast. Give her some nappy free time.
Encourage toddler to take clothes off to get dressed.
Toddler needs a poo. Juggle wiping bum while baby tries to crawl closer from other room (can't put in cot as she just breaks down. separation anxiety?!)
Baby crying as after two days the nappy free trick has worked and they have done a massive poo on the floor and are now squirming in it. Leave toddler playing in sink while I sort out 'poonami'
'Poonami' sorted, baby back with nappy. Find toddler has flooded floor with water. Wipe up water while listening to baby crying in other room.
Baby dying to finish nap, put in sling while I encourage 4yo to dress. Go downstairs to throw poo and rubbish out. Baby finally asleep in sling.
Share woes with mumsnet while 4yo watches god knows what on TV.
That is three hours. It is totally relentless. And that is just me keeping things how they were before we woke up, no extra cleaning, no shopping, no trips. We go out lots but those bits you have to do at home and getting ready are soooo much harder than my paid job before. Dh then comes home to tell me he is so tired. I breastfeed and do all night feeds.

Bibbitydrone- of course I'm owning my own statement! It's goady as fuck and the OP admitted further down along the thread that she'd worded it badly!

Anyway- OP is on ML so she can go back to work soon for that long awaited rest

YABU but I expect you know that now as most people have told you.

SAHM may be more hard work if you're comparing with a childless person doing an easy job. It's definitely not harder than being a WOHP though. And not difficult or stressful either- just repetitive and feels endless sometimes

So much easier physically when I went back to work (was a lawyer).
Depends so much on the person, though. I know sahms who can cope effortlessly and who love the lifestyle. However lack of sleep is the killer -- no wonder sleep deprivation is used as a torture!
I used to thrive on the adrenalin at work that others found too stressful.
OP you have my sympathy. Hang on in there; it will get easier (some of the time)

I am intrigued at how many SAHP mention sleep deprivation. Do they think those of us who work magically have children who sleep through the night? No we have to work and deal with it you might have the possibility of sleeping in late with the child. Note the use of the word "might", so please don't jump in and say but....

I was a therapist in my BC (before children) life, so I love giving my personal feedback. I have two sons. This month they turned 5 and 6. Yes, they are 356 days apart, and no that wasn't planned. The major thing that helped me was child proofing and an excellent daily schedules. All feedings, diaper changes, naps, etc. were done by the clock, rather than on demand, except in very rare circumstances. That way, when DH came home, he knew that feeding time was at 6PM. He knew exactly how much formula because it was calculated based on weight and written on a chart. Other people could watch my boys at only a couple of months old because my daily schedule for them was written down. I put them on a schedule that was convenient for me. Also, I invested in every child proofing gadget on the market. My kitchen opening is 8 feet wide. Guess what? I found a baby gate that was big enough to span the space. I did a happy dance on the other side of it after DH installed it and my son could not get into the hazard filled kitchen. My kids wanted to climb onto the dining room table at 1 year old. Not happening. I bought chair locks and snapped those bad boys to the dining rom table. I put things up high and installed great magnetic locks on all the cabinets they could reach. A baby gate on the stairs kept them on the same floor as me. You get the idea. If all else failed, I had a high chair, and I wasn't afraid to use it. I locked my kids in their room at night, so I could sleep in know where they were at 2 and 3. Some would consider this to be cruel. I did it for safety. If a fire broke out or some other emergency, I would know exactly where to find my kids. There room was kept very safe and hazard free. I went through it at least once a week on my hands and knees to find any potential dangers. During the day, I could put up a baby gate and let them play in their for a bit and know they were safe long enough for me to take a shower. DH has a labor intensive job. He is out in the elements doing heavy lifting, digging in the mud, etc. He used to tell me that I always looked so exhausted when he came home. Some days he would come home to find me laying on the floor in the boys room crying because I was just over it. He states that he would definitely rather be at work than at home. On long holiday weekends, he couldn't wait to go back to work for some peace and quiet. I live in the U.S., but Moms of Preschoolers is an international program. If you can find one, it is worth it to go. It helped me get a break and some sanity. Also, I found a college who needed money and would work cheap. I paid her $25 to come fold my laundry once a week. It would take her about 3 hours. Do what you have got to do to survive. It will pass. My boys are kindergarten and first grade now, and I am still home with them every day. I homeschool, and they still drive me up the wall frequently. But, they are growing more mature each day and so am I. I do threaten my kids when they get too out of hand that I can put them in school and go back to work. I don't have to take this. It is a choice for me and a privilege for them to be homeschooled. That has worked to shock them back into line so far.

I read somewhere that everyone's hard is hard. You can't really compare yourself to others. This is so true. My circumstances are different from yours, and you will handle things differently than me based on personal strengths and abilities, life experience, and general knowledge. But, don't allow anyone to minimize your situation as not being as difficult as the next persons because the perception of difficulty level is individual. The fact that it is hard for you is enough.

My DC are teenagers now and I work full time however I was a SAHM for many years when they were babies and toddlers. I was very organised and did plenty with them but give me the world of work anyday. I found being a SAHM hard work, isolating, tedious and mind numbingly boring. I love being at work despite the stress and the long hours. My DP due to the nature of her job has been at home quite a lot lately - as its school holidays she's here with a houseful of teenagers, dogs and all the ensuing mess that goes with it - she will soon return to her extremely busy and stressful job - she can't wait. YANBU

Yanbu. I have a crazy job but looking after the kids is harder. It's the relentless nature of it that grinds you down

I have a very stressful FT job (made more stressful by also having 2 DCs and a DH who works FT). I get so annoyed by threads like these because every job and every DC is different. There are plenty of people in my workplace who have very low stress ( and lower paid ) jobs. And plenty of my friends have DCs with higher needs than mine do.
The stress I feel these days is much higher than when I was on ML, but then the summer when I had a 3mo and a 2.5yo almost broke me!

Seems like you need to stop competing with your DH, but he also needs to ensure he's pulling his weight.

onemorecup that's exactly how I feel. I found myself becoming someone I didn't want to be when I was at home for 2 years following redundancy when pregnant with DS2. My work is harder than being at home, and it's hard juggling childcare and getting all the homework, activities and childcare sorted, but it's worth it to not be the angry, stressed and anxious mother I am when I'm at home with them full time. It's not so much the kids as the endless housework and the frustration of not having my own money. I'm a better mother, I feel for having WOH. I can let the housework go a bit and get the bare essentials done in a couple of hours. I work term time only as well, so I'm lucky. That's just me though. I know lots of sahms who don't hate it as much as me. But my memory of my sahm mother is of a depressed woman staring out of the window for hours on end high on Prozac. She got a part time job in a shop and was much better. I'd be the same.

Obviously there are some exceptions, but as a general rule:

Having a paid job = hard work
Being a SAHP = hard work
Being a WOHP = very hard work

cherbat here gave this

My job is fast-paced with ridiculous targets and unreasonable managers but I'd take that over your day any day. Mine are older now and bring different problems (preteen tantrums) but, all in all, work provides a break in routine and, usually (not always), you can tell a client or boss to give you five minutes, you get tea and lunch breaks (normally - well, I do). With small children, everything's immediate and, sometimes, taking your eye off the ball for a few seconds can actually be dangerous and some of the things children won't listen to can also be so.

So, yes, having a man coming home and huffing because he's tired after work won't wash. They are his kids whether he's stressed or not.

What a truly horrible OP! Parenting is not a competition and threads such as this pit SAHM and WOHM against each other. I

work bloody hard on a daily basis and have gone prematurely grey and have developed an ulcer because my stress levels are so high at my job. Does that mean my job is more difficult than my SAHM counterparts? Of course not!

Being a stay at home mum is a bit like being self-employed, you can somewhat set your own hours around the kids & other responsibilities. When you're a working mum you still have to do everything a stay at home mum does (can't get around that) but you need to fit it all around your employer's schedule.

Working mums in undemanding part time jobs close to home (with school aged kids) might not find the juggling of work/home that difficult & might even find it easier/more mentally stimulating.

However, try being a CFO of a bank or a doctor or a nurse who handles the 5am commute with two screaming babies because the nursery closer to work is better in an emergency, needing to schedule 'breast feeding time' into your work diary, and still working a full day before taking babies back home & then getting started on dinner/housework & all the other things SAHMs do. I know someone who does this and I think she definitely works harder than a SAHM.

I don't think it's a horrible opportunity. It wasn't a debate about working vs shap. It was anywhere husband moaning about being at work all day when she needs him to pitch in when he gets in. Quite rightly, it's a all hands on deck at this stage. Both of them are working hard

I mean OP not opportunity

"When you're a working mum you still have to do everything a stay at home mum does (can't get around that)"

Sorry for my ignorance as a childless person, but the working mum doesn't have to do the childcare during the day as someone else does that. I agree that all the same housework needs to be done.

Yes gwen by nannies and nursery nurses. Who also, bizarrely, don't think they have the most stressful job in the world

I suppose they can clock off though can't they Dontyou?

Yes Gwen, they can clock off from the job, but they may of course be going home to care for their own children.

I think the OP is a bit ambiguous, because there's a world of difference between comparing being a SAHP with the working life of someone without children, and the SAHP with WOHP.

I think things always seem hardest when you are doing them on your own. i.e. WOH is most stressful if you are the sole breadwinner. SAHP is stressful if you feel solely in charge of everything.

I think the least stressful option is probably WOH, but on a part time basis, with a DP who does the same, and does their fair share (this works well for me, doing 4 days each).

Saying that, I do often think it would be lovely to not have to work, and to be able to fit in things like child's haircuts, trips to shoe shops, visits to grandparents, swimming lessons, etc, etc, much more easily (all the stuff that doesn't magically happen when they are at nursery). And to not get stressed when I'm up from 4am - 5.45am with a non sleeping child, and need to be out the door at 6am to catch the bus to work.

I know though, when I start maternity leave again, I'll miss my long commute for the peace and quite to get the weekly shopping done online, buy birthday presents, organise my money, mumsnet and all those other tasks that take five minutes on the phone on your own, but an eternity if you are trying to simultaneously entertain a toddler.

So I think you need a bit of balance, and too much in either direction can feel very difficult.

It's all swings and roundabouts.
I used to do an hour commute but I took the train. Used to think it was hard work but I'd usually get a seat and read. That's easier than an hour of the morning you've described. I'd then get to the office and spend most of my day frustrated. Now I'm a SAHM I'm in control of my own schedule. Like now, everyone's having a nap so I'm lay on my bed messing on the Internet. For me, one child was pretty easy, it's the conflict of the second one that's hard- when they both need something immediately and you have to choose who's going to have to wait, and cry. It actually reminds me a bit of work frustration. Except now I can usually cuddle it away- never tried that on my boss.

Why does a working mum do all the things a sahm does? Surely the men have to share the work? The lines ate a bit blurred if at home or pt but not ft