AIBU to think being a SAHP to a six-month-old baby and under five is harder than most jobs?

[TheOddity]

I don't know many people in jobs with a schedule or level of stress like that of a woman on mat leave in school holidays.
My morning, just from 7am to 10am:
Get up by being jumped on, immediately change sodden nappy.
Nappy in nappy bucket
Get four breakfasts ready while entertaining baby and answering questions/4yo stream of consciousness.
Try to find safe place for crawling baby while I wash up. Make den for 4yo.
Wash up, clean high chair, dustpan floor (weaning), wipe floor (crawling).
Hear a cry, sort out teddy stand off.
Put washing on. Spill powder, clean floor
Clean toilet and floor (baby crawls everywhere in a flat).
Baby grumpy and crying and falling all over fighting sleep. Put to sleep while trying to mentally plan lunch.
Finish washing up, have five second shower. Baby wakes distraught (teething). Feed baby while still wet and naked. Won't go back asleep after tiny nap.
Take nappy off again as soaked through and messy from breakfast. Give her some nappy free time.
Encourage toddler to take clothes off to get dressed.
Toddler needs a poo. Juggle wiping bum while baby tries to crawl closer from other room (can't put in cot as she just breaks down. separation anxiety?!)
Baby crying as after two days the nappy free trick has worked and they have done a massive poo on the floor and are now squirming in it. Leave toddler playing in sink while I sort out 'poonami'
'Poonami' sorted, baby back with nappy. Find toddler has flooded floor with water. Wipe up water while listening to baby crying in other room.
Baby dying to finish nap, put in sling while I encourage 4yo to dress. Go downstairs to throw poo and rubbish out. Baby finally asleep in sling.
Share woes with mumsnet while 4yo watches god knows what on TV.
That is three hours. It is totally relentless. And that is just me keeping things how they were before we woke up, no extra cleaning, no shopping, no trips. We go out lots but those bits you have to do at home and getting ready are soooo much harder than my paid job before. Dh then comes home to tell me he is so tired. I breastfeed and do all night feeds.

Frikadela makes good points. There is absolutely no need to pick up a 6 month old baby (which OP states is at weaning stage) and give them an immediate bf while you're still dripping from the shower. Leave her for a few minutes while you get dry- what's the worst that can happen? She'll cry for a few minutes, not pleasant to listen to but honestly if you had twins, or a larger family there would be loads of occasions when you can't respond in a nanosecond.

Barricade one area of floor where baby can crawl safely- you seem to be constantly sweeping up at the moment.

Washing up - bung everything in the sink so it soaks and do a big wash up (or your partner does it) after kids in bed tonight.

You mention mentally planning lunch... Keep it simple, just do a sandwich and a piece of raw veg or fruit- couple of minutes to prepare, doesn't require any thinking. I did sandwiches most days, or something easy like heating up soup from the freezer, when I was home on ML with little ones. The evening meal can be more adventurous, and I would recommend meal planning and bulk cooking in the evening or weekend (when you have head space and can divvy these roles up with your partner anyway) That way your weekdays are kept as free as possible from time consuming domestic chores. I think housework is one of those things that can take a little or as long as you want to make it... Tbh you really don't need to do much more than keep an area of floor clean and safe, keep on top of the laundry and organise meals as above.

Sounds like you're having a tough day OP but don't be a martyr about it because no one will thank you for that , least of all your children! Make
Your routine while you're at home work for you, rather than being a slave to it. Once you're back at work you'll presumably be starting your day much earlier than 7am so make the most of your comparative freedom to organise your day

It's completely different.

I work for the NHS and while I don't have as much responsibility as a nurse or doctor it is non stop and I can't decide not to work hard one day, things simply have to be done. I can't have a lazy day or sit down and MN for 10 minutes to de-stress.

I was a SAHM for 16 years, I have five children, two with special needs and a disabled husband so I didn't have it easy. Yes, it was hard work but I did have days where I did very little, I could fit in the odd nap if I was tired. I could leave the washing up without any disastrous consequences and I could take breaks to play on the internet and meet friends.

I don't think the two are comparable and it is stupid to say something is harder when it is so variable. People are different, I ended up finding SAH after that many years soul destroying, I love going to work and mixing with adults and earning my own money. There are times when I'm at work where I just want to be at home so I can relax and don't have to stand on my feet constantly. Some times when I'm at home I miss being at work.

Both SAH and working have challenges and rewards, there is good and bad to both so why compare them?

It depends on the children, the job and the personality of the parent. Regardless, being a SAHM of two preschoolers is hard work for most people. In my experience those that don't find it hard either don't do much with their children and/or housework or they have particularly easy children who sleep well.

Being taken for granted is very bad for the soul

Very wise words.

I am lucky that my DH has makes sure I never feel taken for granted at home but I have felt extremely taken for granted by employers in the past. It is indeed soul destroying, especially when you are someone who is conscientious and wants to do your best. This is one of the reasons why I found being at home on Mat leave so much easier than being at work.

I imagine that being a SAHP with no support or appreciation would be very depressing.

Also, another thing is if you break pretty much everyone's day down into detail as you have, OP, then they can all look stressful.

• This morning I woke at 1am for a pee (31w pregnant).
• Was woken again at 3am by a hot an unsettled preschooler who needed sorting out. Went for another pee.
• Woken at 5.45am by the preschooler, who promptly went back to sleep leaving me awake for the day (and exhausted)
• Collected the washing up that was leftover from last night from around the house, did the washing up. Put away dry washing up from the day before
• Tidied the dining room, put away left-out colouring books and pictures
• Made coffees and started to get breakfasts ready
• Had a quick shower before DD got up
• Gave my hair a very quick dry with the hairdryer, slapped some make-up on, tried to make myself look presentable
• Emptied the potty from DD's room that she'd used overnight, coerced her into eating some breakfast.
• Argued over the clothes she'd picked herself last night that were apparently no longer suitable. Had a row about it (4yo going on 14). Finally coerced her into something vaguely acceptable for nursery
• Ran around the room trying to find the book she'd made for Show & Tell
• Got myself dressed finally, coerced DD out of the jelly sandals she can't do herself as they have a buckle and into nursery appropriate sandals amidst copies tears
• Walked 25 minutes with DD to nursery, trying to stop her picking up every stick she sees on the way and prise her off the swing at the park we annoyingly have to walk past
• Drop DD off, run (waddle) another 5 minutes to the station, just make the train
• After 25 mins on the train, get off and change to the Tube
• Another 15 minutes later, join the fight to get out of a very busy/manic Tube station and finally make it to the office - to start an 8 hour day

That is three hours. It is totally relentless

I'm not putting it there to say my life is harder than yours. It's not. It's not harder than anyone else's, because RL can't be a competition in these areas. But anyone's day can look exhausting when you write it down.

My cousin who doesn't work and has both children now at secondary school moaning about how stressed she is DOES get on my nerves though!!

In the real world not everybody is a Banker or doctor.
In the real world many people don't have jobs that love, or jobs that they feel valued and respected.

In the real world you have sometimes to stick with an awful company/manager.
Customer face jobs - you have to constantly smile no matter how you feel.

Are you serious? You don't know any harder jobs?

Do you think that a Nurse on a busy ward has control over her day? Does she sits down for a cuppa if she fancies one?

Or a shop assistant with a camera over her head?

Or a Nursery Nurse or a care assistant. A factory worker, a waitress, hotel housekeeper, ...i can go on.

I would be a SAHP in an instant. I found mat leave and looking after children a totally breeze compared to working in a v.stressful environment.

OP please ignore anyone on here trying to rip you a new one simply because you were brave enough to say that actually, yes, parenting can be fucking hard. And tedious! Don't forget tedious!

I honestly don't know why this should even be a debate. Parenting can be challenging, like many jobs. Some parents have it easier than others for a variety of reasons. Let's all stop bashing each other about parenting and professional choices.

Oh dear. So yes I know there are harder jobs. I forgot how literal aibu is. I think the poster (Thurlow?) who said I was reaching out for empathy had it really. I did find my office job easier even though I had a team of people, demanding clients etc. It's not being at home, it doesn't matter, it is the thing of always being 'on' 24/7. And the sheer drudgery of dealing with poo and washing and wee and arguments all fucking day every day including holidays.
How would you cope if you actually had to function in the real world?!
That attitude doesn't help either. Exactly what I think people think, which makes it more isolating.
Dd is pulling herself up now, we have a tiled floor with rugs, but my stomach is a tight knot all the time as dd just seems to constantly fall, thump her head and cry all day long. Plus as other posters said the guilt of the older one with screen time, even though we do go out every day most of the day with his little friends.
Dh suggests park as a break but it is getting to that point! It's the transitions between activies, the meals and toilet/nappy bits that are hard.
No family support network at all, just a couple of kind friends. Dh cooks but I do everything else.
I know it was a self indulgent post. I'll go get cosy on the sofa, read my book and eat chocolate as some helpful people suggested.

"Nursery Nurse" and teachers, I do not know how they do it and have the utmost respect for them.

I know how you feel OP. It's really hard - just relentless and exasperating. And everything that you could use to make life easier (I'm thinking particularly of TV here) comes with a little voice that says "you know you are ruining your child, don't you..."

"Dh suggests park as a break but it is getting to that point!"

Yes, exactly this. So many times I have been trying to get myself and DC ready to go out. But will they let me? Will they fuck! Hanging off my legs, crying, whining, making a huge mess as soon as I take a minute to pull on clothes - forget makeup - just generally making it impossible to get out the door. Incredibly trying. I remember one incident where just as we were about to head out I offered a glass of milk, which was flung out of my hand and smashed all over the just-mopped kitchen floor - but not before splashing on all the cupboards and clothes horse full of clean dry laundry. Lost my rag at that one I'm ashamed to say.

How would you cope in the real world.

So raising your own children without outside agencies isn't considered the real world now
But running yourself ragged, working for some corporate, being a number, not a person and still running a home and raising kids is more real? No, that's just bloody daft and no life

Why do people have to turn everything into a competition about who's life is better/worse. I attended uni full time as a single parent starting when my son was one. I then began working full time. I wouldn't for a second suggest that my lifestyle was far more stressful or whatever than someone else's. It's actually bloody insulting.

YANBU

I'm a nurse, working on a very busy, usually understaffed ward, where I run around for 13.5 hours, get a half hour break if I'm lucky, and due to sometimes not evening finding the time to have a drink I go about 14 hours without a wee. Then I get home, go to bed, get 6 hours sleep and then do it all again. It's exhausting but I would still rather that then be a SAHM.

When I was on maternity leave I planned to be off for about 15 months but when DS was 9 months I chose to go back earlier than planned because the constant drudgery and being on call 24/7 was just stifling.

DS is 2.5 years and sometimes I do see going to work as having a break

You need to baby proof your flat, play pens, baby gates, softer flooring / mats. You need to be able to put baby down and be able to do things without running to them all time. I got 3 under 5, it's tough and also I recommend doing lunches night before and get them out the fridge when needed.

After yet more shit and an incident with some acrylic paint I have made my mind up. Work is easier.

None of us are struggling in 40 degree heat having to walk miles just to get water every day while our husband isn't around because he's died of AIDS with four kids one of whom is sick from malaria so maybe none of us are allowed to whine about our lot.

It's all relative.

Let people feel sorry for themselves if they want to! We all have a right to own our own feelings.

I don't understand why people feel the need to 'set people straight'. If you can't say anything kind then maybe go and growl at yourself in the mirror.

Of course, as PPs have pointed out, IRL it's not a competition. However, since the OP explicitly drew the comparison, I would have to say no. I don't think being a SAHP to two children is harder than most jobs. The description of a few hours in the OP doesn't sound particularly difficult to me TBH. Certainly no more difficult or stressful than a typical work day for many people.

But you know, comparison is the thief of joy, etc., etc.

I don't know many people in jobs with a schedule or level of stress like that of a woman on mat leave in school holidays

My first thought is: a nurse or a surgeon. Or a bus driver. Or a teacher. BUt just generally - parents working outside the home all the time. They do what you do + go out & work in a job.

Yeap agree paulanka- bad choice on the OP's part to frame it as 'my life is harder than yours'. If she'd just vented that she was having a tough day then tbh I think MNetters would have offered virtual hugs and support. We've all been there... Some days I was at home with 3 tinies was totally relentless.

As an aside though, if you genuinely feel your working days are easier OP, why not go back now? You don't need to take extended ML... It's your right to go back before then and as I mentioned upthread us oldies were back at work after 3 months before babies were weaned, so it's perfectly doable.

YADNBU, that's harder than any job I've done. An all round challenge, physically and emotionally.

For me being a SAHM was easier. I could set my own routine, no commute, I got out into the fresh air every day, I could wear my own clothes. If it all went wrong it was forgotten the next day - there weren't a whole load of follow-up meetings and incident reports and investigations.

Working - especially full time is brutal. The commute is exhausting, frustrating and stressful. I have to wear formal clothes so if there is nothing clean or appropriate it is stressful.

Others have mentioned deadlines, bosses, staff, clients, pressure... it is hard!! and then you get home and whether or not you have kids you have to do the housework, laundry, shopping etc.

I have done both and being a SAHM was easier by far. But I understand it is different for everyone