AIBU to think being a SAHP to a six-month-old baby and under five is harder than most jobs?

[TheOddity]

I don't know many people in jobs with a schedule or level of stress like that of a woman on mat leave in school holidays.
My morning, just from 7am to 10am:
Get up by being jumped on, immediately change sodden nappy.
Nappy in nappy bucket
Get four breakfasts ready while entertaining baby and answering questions/4yo stream of consciousness.
Try to find safe place for crawling baby while I wash up. Make den for 4yo.
Wash up, clean high chair, dustpan floor (weaning), wipe floor (crawling).
Hear a cry, sort out teddy stand off.
Put washing on. Spill powder, clean floor
Clean toilet and floor (baby crawls everywhere in a flat).
Baby grumpy and crying and falling all over fighting sleep. Put to sleep while trying to mentally plan lunch.
Finish washing up, have five second shower. Baby wakes distraught (teething). Feed baby while still wet and naked. Won't go back asleep after tiny nap.
Take nappy off again as soaked through and messy from breakfast. Give her some nappy free time.
Encourage toddler to take clothes off to get dressed.
Toddler needs a poo. Juggle wiping bum while baby tries to crawl closer from other room (can't put in cot as she just breaks down. separation anxiety?!)
Baby crying as after two days the nappy free trick has worked and they have done a massive poo on the floor and are now squirming in it. Leave toddler playing in sink while I sort out 'poonami'
'Poonami' sorted, baby back with nappy. Find toddler has flooded floor with water. Wipe up water while listening to baby crying in other room.
Baby dying to finish nap, put in sling while I encourage 4yo to dress. Go downstairs to throw poo and rubbish out. Baby finally asleep in sling.
Share woes with mumsnet while 4yo watches god knows what on TV.
That is three hours. It is totally relentless. And that is just me keeping things how they were before we woke up, no extra cleaning, no shopping, no trips. We go out lots but those bits you have to do at home and getting ready are soooo much harder than my paid job before. Dh then comes home to tell me he is so tired. I breastfeed and do all night feeds.

I thought work was easier but I crashed and burned. The stresses of being at home are relentless but immediate, right in front of you and can be dealt with there and then. So even when, like today, there are coco pops all over the floor, I've got shit on my hands, I'm being screamed at and I'm so hungry I feel sick it's better than work. Well kind of.

In your face stress vs behind your back stress? Tough call. Ask me after the baby has finished his nap and starts up again!

Or maybe next week when the other four are back from their respective jollies. Argh.

it depends on what your job is, but I tend to agree with you OP.
I don't think you can compare Mat leave to to sahp though as it's only very temporary.
When you have little ones at home ft for sustained periods it is stressful and bloody tiring.
it gets much better once they are at school and you have much more time to yourself.

Sooooo depends.

I have a stressful job - the sort of job that if I was a mumsnetter's DH they may well describe as Very Important.

I found looking after one baby much much harder.

Hmm. I was on ML with a six month old baby and an under 5 not that long ago. Some days were harder than my job is, some were easier. I have a more stressful and responsible than average job, but part time, with respectable hours, and am valued.

I actually think it might be doing all the night feeds that's killing you, tbh. That's a nightmare whether you're working or not, but being a SAHP/on ML doesn't necessarily require taking 100% of night time duties. I may be wrong, but it strikes me that you're possibly attributing the main source of your tiredness to the wrong cause. I bet you wouldn't be any less knackered if you were doing night feeds and working.

I think it completely depends on the job you do

I returned to work when each of my 4 DC was 6 months old, I work in a highly stresses environment and I see things in my job that make it difficult to switch off in the evening, I have to bring work home with me. I am in and out of meeting all day. I have massive reports to write.
I leave the house at 7 am and I am lucky if I am home before 9pm.

So for me being home with baby was easy compared to my job.

It really isn't a competition or an opportunity for one-upmanship – or it shouldn't be, anyway.

Working outside and in the home are both really hard, for different reasons.

OP, I would echo idaho's comments/suggestions about the possibility of your DH doing more home things or of looking into outside help. If you're doing more than your fair share you both need to address that.

My over worked GP once said to me "at least I get a break in between patients and when I go home"

And he was right. I was knackered because I was on call 24/7 and didn't even really get a break on holiday as that was just the same work in a different location.

Some of us work full time in the NHS and still do all that on top. If floors don't get washed at home then so be it but I can't just not do things at work.

So no, I don't think it's more stressfull as ultimately if you've fed and watered them but they've had a pyjama day and played then job well done.

YABU. I found teaching much harder and more stressful than being a SAHM.

I'm confused, do you have two kids or three?

I really don't think you can compare. Being at home with young kids is relentless but I, personally, wouldnt say it's stressful, just tiring and frustrating. Doing housework on top of two young kids is hard but that doesn't go away if you work. I'm a lawyer, at times my job is easier than being at home, at times its far, far harder. I dont work well as a stay at home mum (I turn into alpha mum) so I work. I'm off work today with a 5 and 6 year old and it's a piece of piss. No nappy's though.

I have a 1, 2 and 3 year old. I work very hard at home.

It's not so much that one is mor difficult than the other, more that it's nice to have it recognised that being a SAHP is not really the easy option.

Until they start school - oh the sheer bliss of school!

I also have a baby and toddler on mat leave and find it way more tiring - so Yanbu from me. It's all relative isn't it? I find the relentlessness and constant giving of myself draining compared to my desk job. Back to work soon though and sure juggling commute will be hard too!

Yabu. I have two under 18 months.

Depends what aspect of work you find/found hard. I love being a SAHM as I can manage my own time (within reason), eat when I want to and even manage the occasional nap. It's the best, easiest, happiest job I've ever had. I never enjoyed the company of my work colleagues anyway, and have an active social life with and without the kids.

I have 3 under 5 but we are lucky enough that we have a biggish house and garden, a DH who is always home by 5.30 and some disposable income so we can go on days out, I can use the car etc.

I don't think it's comparable. Different situations different stress.

There's 20 months between mine. They were both bf. When DS was a baby dd was still feeding at least twice through the day and waking two hourly so it worked out I was doing a breast feed every hour round the clock. I was exhausted. No one to help me and dp out the house 12 hours a day and no help on his return because he was also tired after a 2 hour commute each way.

Now they play together and although they have fights almost constantly it's much easier.

Dp works away now and I suppose I think he has it easy in the sense of he gets to sleep every night and can have plenty of him time. He feels he misses out on family life and has a lot of guilt about being away. He hasn't many of his home comforts around him and I expect he feels lonely.

I feel I have it harder because I don't have any time off at all and at 4 and 2 they are still very dependant on me particularly the 2 year old who still bf.

We both find things hard but we try not to get into a competition about it.

I'm going to take a guess at something here, based on the fact that OP deals with all the night waking and makes breakfast for her husband, who returns home from work to complain that he is tired.

I think she is expected to do every fucking thing all day, all the housework, all the child wrangling, and then gratefully wait on the bringer home of the bacon upon his return. Hand and bastard foot.

I reckon she's knackered and feels belittled and unappreciated and just wanted to reach out to other people who know how relentless it feels for a bit of affirmation that yes, what she's doing is hard work and of course she's tired!

Unfortunate that it was framed as a straight tiredness contest between SAHPs and WOHPs, but I wonder if that was based on the dynamic at home? I'm tired... yes, but I'm TIREDER!!!!

and , OP.

Totally depends on the job and the number / ages / tempraments of the children. I've had some pretty cushy jobs; I worked as a receptionist once for a company who by that point did most of their business by email. I had to answer the phone about once an hour and sign for the odd delivery, and the rest of the time I read, knitted and wrote my MA dissertation. Way easier than when I was at home with a newborn and a feral 23 month old.

Then there's the previous poster who is a surgeon. I'm guessing you'd need to look after a large number of very challenging children to more intense than that!

So not something that can be judged objectively. I know it wasn't your intention OP, but all these threads end up doing is provoking the pointless SAHM vs WOHM "debate".

Sounds like a busy morning OP! I'd recommend getting out of the house - grab a coffee and head to the park! I second the pp who recommended stair gates between rooms to keep little people safely contained.
I think being at home full time can be relentless, but it's about changing your perspective - get out, leave the housework, enjoy the cuddles. The kids will grow and you'll find yourself back at work dreaming about being at home

It's very hard. I am another who opted to go back to work as soon as I could after DS2, even though the corporate world I belong to is stressful and very fast paced.

I still appreciate the ability to have a morning cup of coffee in complete peace and every other moment to myself.

Being at home is flippin hard, and to some this may not seem the case but one of the first posters said it totally depends on the children. I have 2 extremely demanding boys almost swinging from the curtains with their energy and loudness, give me work any day, even though I dont enjoy my job.

You cannot dismiss those doing stressful jobs either, if anybody has found a balance then please share. I still can't find it 5 years on..

Hugs to you, totally relate.

It completely depends on the job

I am a SAHM by choice, and yes I do have long days but so does DH he leaves home at 6:30am he does a highly stressful job, often when his working on a case he has to do days of prep plus see his other clients and attend meetings. My DH will get home around 8pm

At the end of the DH is tired because his been to work and had a long day and I'm tired because I've had a long day. It's not a competition for who is the most tired

Plenty of people have massively stressful jobs. Doctors, nurses, paramedics, police, fire services.. it's a long list. I'm pretty grateful I'm not responsible for savings lives every day, that's a whole new level of stress I'm not qualified for.
A lot of working parents have to deal with all the stressful stuff you've listed before they even go to work.
It's all relative. I don't know why we feel we must insist we have it worse than the next person just to make ourselves feel better.

Well, it's not a competition, but seeing as you're determined to make it one..... Being at home with little ones was a breeze compared to getting little ones up, changed, fed (including a bf for the baby) and off to the childminder by 8am, doing a full day teaching and then coming home to do all those bits and bobs which when you're home, you fit into your day - sticking on a wash load, sweeping the floor, dealing with bills etc

Many of us 'oldies' were back at work you know, well before our babies were 6 months as maternity leave used to be a lot shorter!

I agree that being at home longer term can feel relentless (did that for about 18 months when I had 3 pre school kids) and at times a bit mind numbing, but no way is it comparable to many jobs. If you want to have a pyjama day in front of the telly, or just do sandwiches for dinner once in a while, it's up to you, you're not having to fulfil any external expectations - no one is carrying out official performance management.

You sound ground down at the moment... Why not go to the park/chill on the sofa? You have that luxury- you wouldn't if you were in paid employment. It's very easy to become a martyr in these situations and that's not an attractive trait.

I only have one (full on 1 year old, teething, not sleeping at the moment) and I definitely found work easier, even with a long commute. No doubt about it, and I had a stressful job that would have me in tears some evenings. The difference is I love my son but I didn't love my job, so it's easier to sleep at night (pardon the expression...!) staying at home with him as my shit days still include some cuddles and giggles from him.

It in monotonous and feels futile sometimes, whereas work was always different and working on projects which was satisfying. I guess DS is the ultimate, long-term project!

Umm there is a lot of highly stressful jobs out in the world op

I am a SAHM by choice and dh does a very stressful job.

We both have long days and we are both tired it's not a competition to who is the most tired of why