AIBU to think being a SAHP to a six-month-old baby and under five is harder than most jobs?

[TheOddity]

I don't know many people in jobs with a schedule or level of stress like that of a woman on mat leave in school holidays.
My morning, just from 7am to 10am:
Get up by being jumped on, immediately change sodden nappy.
Nappy in nappy bucket
Get four breakfasts ready while entertaining baby and answering questions/4yo stream of consciousness.
Try to find safe place for crawling baby while I wash up. Make den for 4yo.
Wash up, clean high chair, dustpan floor (weaning), wipe floor (crawling).
Hear a cry, sort out teddy stand off.
Put washing on. Spill powder, clean floor
Clean toilet and floor (baby crawls everywhere in a flat).
Baby grumpy and crying and falling all over fighting sleep. Put to sleep while trying to mentally plan lunch.
Finish washing up, have five second shower. Baby wakes distraught (teething). Feed baby while still wet and naked. Won't go back asleep after tiny nap.
Take nappy off again as soaked through and messy from breakfast. Give her some nappy free time.
Encourage toddler to take clothes off to get dressed.
Toddler needs a poo. Juggle wiping bum while baby tries to crawl closer from other room (can't put in cot as she just breaks down. separation anxiety?!)
Baby crying as after two days the nappy free trick has worked and they have done a massive poo on the floor and are now squirming in it. Leave toddler playing in sink while I sort out 'poonami'
'Poonami' sorted, baby back with nappy. Find toddler has flooded floor with water. Wipe up water while listening to baby crying in other room.
Baby dying to finish nap, put in sling while I encourage 4yo to dress. Go downstairs to throw poo and rubbish out. Baby finally asleep in sling.
Share woes with mumsnet while 4yo watches god knows what on TV.
That is three hours. It is totally relentless. And that is just me keeping things how they were before we woke up, no extra cleaning, no shopping, no trips. We go out lots but those bits you have to do at home and getting ready are soooo much harder than my paid job before. Dh then comes home to tell me he is so tired. I breastfeed and do all night feeds.

Yabvu.

I have two kids the same age, OP. I find it crazy and hard, especially the 24-hour nature of it. I don't get why you've been pounced on quite so much by a lot of the commenters. I know what you mean. I can't speak for the surgeons and the social workers and the teachers... all I can say is this is a shitload harder than my own paid job.

I loved maternity leave, and the second time I had 3 under 2 and loved it even more! I also like my job, although at home I always get the chance to sit down and eat which doesn't happen at work (I'm an anaesthetist). What I do not love is that my mum has turned out to be a massive sexist, because when I was at home more than my husband she kept telling me I had to do all the night wakings and make sure he got time for a break because he was tired from working. Now he's mainly at home and I'm working, she tells me I have to make sure I give him a break because he's tired from having the kids! I do sometimes wonder if she thinks I go to work to sit in a jacuzzi.

I don't think OP is being a martyr and I think for the majority of jobs she is right. My ft office job with long hours and 3 hour commute was a zillion times easier than a 7 month old and 3 year old.

DH works long hours, has lots of responsibility and mad deadlines and he feels it is easier than being the parent at home. He helps loads but it's the:

• total lack of a break. Is your baby doesn't sleep it can feel like a 24/7 job.
• as marvellous as children are it can be dull
• lack of status is a factor for some as someone said above
• it can feel impossible to keep everyone happy, fed, entertained and the house even vaguely clean

I'm going back to work part time soon and look forward to talking to adults! Finishing a drink! Going to the loo in peace!

I find it an awful lot easier than my job.

YANBU. I think being a SAHP is a really tough gig, I work part-time for a rest.

It's a hard slog whichever you do!! We have 1 dd (21 months) and both work FT. We are constantly exhausted with the stress and demand of balancing everything but both of us are working hard in our careers.

I hated being a SAHM. It is hard but it's hard because its relentless and mundane, not because it requires any brain work. Working gives me a sense of identity and fulfilment, like I'm me and I can achieve things. I want to be a role model for DD so that she knows and can take into the future the beginnings of a generation where men take maternity leave or are just as likely to take time off work for a few months after baby is born.

Parrallax80 - I want to start my MSc in the evening (being paid for by work) for 1-2 evenings per week. My parents warned me about whether it would be too much with DD and too much for DH etc. How can I be a Mummy at the same time etc. When DH wanted to start a course in the evening (mentioned after I'd booked my course) it was all yes he should do it, it would be good for him etc.

I have been in exactly that position (that was me last Summer holidays, and this summer I have a 5 year old and a 19 month old).

I don't think it is particularly stressful (with a few notable exceptions) but it is, without doubt, unrelenting and often exhausting. And generally a thankless task.

Nope. Also a child SW (waving to Ledkr) and I can tell you what you describe there is in no way harder than my usual working day. Sorry OP!

"People at work can't have a lazy day because they're tired and they generally have a boss that expects certain performance standards and you can be sacked if you don't meet them."

Sorry, but lots of people can do that. Not everybody has a busy job, there's plenty of people in offices twiddling their thumbs and dying of boredom. MN has a lot of high-powered career women, but if you think of many other jobs, plenty of them are very slow. I'd rather be busy because of the boredom of a quiet job, but I suspect that being at home with children is both busy and boring so the worst of both worlds in a way.

for whatamess. I felt pretty crappy about my post when I thought how hard some parents have it in comparison. I am very very lucky to have two children with no health problems at all. I shouldn't lose sight of that and sorry to people who found this post insensitive to that.

ZeeZeek, get off mumsnet. You don't have time

Sheepyfun, you have a great set up going on there.

I do find it psychologically very trying. Not sure if it is selfishness, post natal depression or some kind of undiagnosed personality disorder but sometimes I just want to bash my head against a wall by 8pm (literally).

I'm not sure I would call it stressful in the same way work can be, but I find being on mat leave harder. This time round with a 4 year old too it is actually easier because I do have someone I can talk to :)

childcare, the actual nuts and bolts of cleaning up bodily fluids and asking for the nth time for someone to stop prodding you or to put on shoes, and the logistics of getting out to do things is mind numbingly dull and I would trade that for going to work any day of the week. So I did. And will do again.

But I don't think it's really a fair comparison to call it stressful.

OP - I think you just have to remember that being at home with a small child is a bit like being followed around by a tiny belligerent drunk person. The asking the same questions multiple times, the invading your personal space, the emotional lability (I love you, I'm crying, I'm shouting, I'm laughing....), the incontinence. its not the way we get used to being treated by other adults (unless you work in a pub, a club or A&E...) So it's not surprising that it can be hard going at times. It's not a competition and do look after yourself.

Ha. Compared to my experience- YABU. When I was on mat leave nobody was trying to backstab me, steal my budget, force more work on staff or cut my headcount. Yes, having a child is stressful but it's not the sort of unpleasant stress that comes with jobs like mine.

In my opinion YANBU. However, this thread really does show how people find different things stressful. Of course, there are also people living incredibly difficult lives and my stress doesn't compare to theirs at all.

I work for the NHS. My current job is not clinically stressful but is a political challenge! It's currently easier than being at home. I have in the past done much more clinically stressful work (busy ward shifts with genuine concern as to whether all my patients would survive, angry relatives, patients to admit with no bed to put them in, junior staff requiring supervision, no time to eat, drink or pee). I'd say that was slightly less stressful as being at home with a baby and a toddler. I have also done a worse job than that with all those stressful ward conditions plus absolutely awful, unsupportive management. That was more stressful than being at home. But I only found my most difficult job more stressful. In general, I find work much easier than home, even now that my children are 5 and 3. As for being able to plan my own day and sit on the sofa in PJs???? What on earth am I doing wrong as I would love to be able to do that? I do sit down of course at times but my children need to go out at least once a day even if only to play out or they are climbing the walls (literally)!

OP I think the problem with your post is the comparing working to not working - it is irrelevant really. I think the point is parenting is hard work in general. I don't leave the house with the children still in bed and return to them back in bed I still have to do all the same things as you, just in a more compressed time frame. I had a day off today and spent the whole morning cleaning then took the children out to the hell of softplay in the afternoon as they were given vouchers that were nearly expired Not how I would choose to spend a day 'off'

I don't think it is helpful to make a competition of who has it worse, instead we should be sharing tips to make it easier

I felt absolutely dreadful while I had PND, but the good bit is that antidepressants worked really well in my case so they might be worth a try.

Also, I think it's a lot easier as a SAHM on a bigger budget- takeaways, days out or simply going to a cafe can make it more bearable but aren't always an option. Finances also affect where you live, I only have one park within walking distance and there's hardly anything there so this kinda changes what you find easier.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow OP.

No the comparison is not helpful, but I was really thinking of jobs, not people in jobs. I.e. not a wohp v sahp, rather looking after children 24/7 vs a standard 9/5 office job. I have done the full time followed by bedtime gig. I agree that is also utterly shitty!! I can't believe all these people who found newly crawling babies and preschoolers easy!! I just find it so so wearing and really struggle to keep my mummy happy smiley persona intact!!!

I found it hard too OP . Although actually I found it hardest being a new first time mum - a nurse friend told me it was easier to look after 12 sick patients than 1 baby. I didn't understand this until I had my own baby!

I think it depends on what job you do. Personally I think being a sahm is easier, especially if there is a dh on the scene. But as an only parent with a full time high stress job as a sw, and 2 challenging kiddies I would think being at home is easier.

OP I'm also at all the people who find it easy. On good days I think 'yeah, but their kids are easier than mine'. On bad days I think 'what am I doing wrong?'

My neighbour has a five week old. I gave her lots of hints when she was pregnant about how hard it can be, and how I was always here if she needed a hand. She's finding it an absolute breeze and is looking at me and wondering why I made such a song and dance about taking as much support as you can in the early days.

I was still a total mess at 5 weeks
and really struggled. Wrote a desperate post on her actually about how hard I was finding it and got lovely support.

Sleepybean I would definitely think it's that their baby is easier and maybe they had an easier birth experience too. I was doing well at 5 weeks as DS slept well and had no problems, but if he was a poor sleeper or had things like reflux, or if I had PND after a bad birth etc, would have probably had me on my knees. Now he's a toddler I find it so much harder and sometimes dream of going back to work! There is so much in this life that we can't compare..

I knew that's what you meant OP and I totally agree! I found working in a city law firm (including doing multiple all nighters when closing big deals) loads easier overall than parenting. At least you know you'll get a break and some sleep eventually. I haven't gone to bed in the happy knowledge that I can stay there until morning for two years.

I'm currently having a quick sit down with exhausted tears running down my face before heading off to work. As to whether I'd rather be staying at home with the two year old - don't know today. I'd probably get a nap in when he does I suppose but on the other hand I'm about to have a sit down on the train and have a coffee.

This has been an unbelievably shit week work and childwise though. Seriously hate my life this week.