To not want to pick up 14 year old DD from XH's holiday

[AbbottLeguarda]

Name changed as this is very identifying.

On Sunday, XH took DD (14) and DS's (16 year old twins) to Wales, along with his wife and her 2 daughters (13 and 11) It's the first time they've all gone away together, DD was really excited, it was the boys who were dragging their feet and now 3 days into the trip and the boys are loving it and DD is crying down the phone, asking me to come pick her up.

Her complaints:

No one talks to her, which I'm sure is an exaggeration, their are 6 other people there, but she said that they've all paired off, step siblings go off without inviting her, DSs' tell her to get lost whenever she's near, XH only spent 10 mins playing cards with her when she'd waited half an hour for him to finish up a game with DSs.

The cottage they're staying in has 4 bedrooms, DS's are sharing, step daughters are sharing, DD gets her own room and I think that's just made her feel more lonely. She says everyone stays up really late in their rooms, playing games, talking and she has no one.

I spoke to XH this morning about how she felt and asked if he could spend more time with her but I've just got off the phone with her begging me to come pick her up.

XH spent an hour watching a show with her and then went fishing for the rest of the day, step siblings were playing some hide and seek game with the other kids around and when she asked to play, one of the kids, not either of her step siblings who were I presume hiding at the time, told her that she wouldn't understand the rules, so she went back inside.

DS's are wrapped up in their own lives, I feel awful for her but their's only 3 more days left.

On our first "blended" holiday (1xmine 2x hubbys sons) mine sent a postcard to his grab (my mum) saying how terribly he was being bullied and what an awful time he was having. Not true at all he was having the time of his life but had fallen out briefly ( his fault and he was told off) which is when he sent it! My mum was desperately worried and rang but all was forgotten by then... The little darlings will use what they can and who they can you just have to be sensible and measured - you are doing the right thing so long as there is no safe guarding issues (Dm involvement was because I was single mother with no dad on the scene - not an overbearing interference)

Nothing stopping her making friends in the village like her brothers did right?

It's hard to tell how much of it is being left out & how much is not making an effort to join in, isn't it?

My sibling is nearly 5yrs older thsn me so on a lot of holidays we were both looking for kids of our own ages to play with when there was nothing planned iyswim.

Why is her dad not making some effort to make sure shes included in something? It sounds utterly horrible for her.

Shes trying to join in with siblings and told "not wanted". Her dad then skipped out of the door for his fishing trip, and left her on her own in the cottage for 4 hours. On her own. For 4 hours. While she knows everyone else is out having fun. I cant think of a clearer way for her to be told "this is the new family, and you dont fit and arent wanted."

Her dad should have taken the siblings aside and told them "Ill be out of the house from 12 - 4 and I do not expect you to just abandon your sister, it wont kill you to spend time with her so she isnt on her own".

I have a 14yo dd, her favorite thing in the world is being miserable, that is when she is at her Happiest!

No way would I be picking her up

Totally agree with wannabe.

No way would I pick her up.

"Her dad should have taken the siblings aside and told them "Ill be out of the house from 12 - 4 and I do not expect you to just abandon your sister, it wont kill you to spend time with her so she isnt on her own"." these are sixteen and fourteen year olds not toddlers you can tell to behave nicely and share.

God help some of the parents on this thread when their DC reach the teenage years and they realise what reality is like.

It's up there with "when I have a baby it will/won't .

Stormtreader at that age if I were ds I might well have replied to dh 'It won't kill you not to go fishing on a family holiday!'

I think hulababy may be right - it depends on your expectations of a family holiday. Mine, and maybe this dd's, is to do lots of things together. That may never have been the plan here, but for people to stay in a cottage and do their own thing. That's great if it's what you're expecting and you like reading, being alone etc, but not if you were expecting to spend time together. So dd's hopes of hanging about with her new stepsibs have been disappointed.
Not all dteens are as able to make friends with new people, as dss have done, as others - they may be shy, lacking in social skills. I don't think dd can be 'blamed' for not wandering down to the village and finding herself a new group of friends.

No Fuchs I also have had a fourteen year old daughter and while she could be a bit sulky it mist certain wasn't like that so please don't speak for all fourteen year old girls. Amid that is appalling advice regarding ignoring her next call. Regardless of whether the op should pick her up or not the consequences of ignoring her daughters possible distress could be catastrophic and no that isn't hysteria either. I would certainly never have felt I could trust my mum again after that. Maybe the dd is being dramatic or just maybe she genuinely is distressed and has valid reasons for it. Anyfucker I most certainly have had a 14 year old daughter and family holidays so I really don't think that is a valid response to a difference of opinion or parenting style from yours. What works with your children may not with another. Children are individuals and should be treated as such and not just lumped under the banner of moody fourteen year old so automatically is wrong. Op I hope things improve for your dd and she enjoys the rest of her holiday.

She needs to talk to her dad and sort her issues with him. The same with her siblings.
Not coming back to you whining and complaining.

Worst case, tell her to call her friends or read a good book.

Do not let yourself be manipulated into what could become a war between you and your ex.

The only exception would be if you had actual reasons for concern, but we all have times where we don't get what we wanted and we have to work at making them better ourselves or put up with them.

I have read the thread but have questions
Was this supposed to be a family holiday, asking because what I have read so far makes it sound like a group of people sharing a cottage and doing their own thing.
If it is a week away and has taken two calls from OP to get her DD father to realise she is unhappy and he needs to do more that is poor and it is no wonder that with four days? (If a weeks holiday) already past and her father is only just putting in a small effort she is sulking with him. He needs to prove to her he still cares for her.
It is their first holiday as a blended family and instead of using it to form good bonds and reassure the children post divorce it probably has only served to increase fears that her father no longer cares.
Dramatic I know but as someone else has said when muddling through the mine field of post divorce relationship as a child you need reassurance backed up with cold hard proof so that children know the nrp still loves and cares for them. From reading op's posts it seems her father is not providing that.
The little effort shown by dsm I see as her potentially trying to build a bond but uncertain and again her DH should be leading the way to help. I don't know how long you have been divorced and how long he has been with his new partner but as a blended family first holiday goes he has made this suck for her.
As her mum, follow your gut instinct but I would suggest not factoring in the fact it is his time with them unless there has been more family time than has been mentioned as currently his need to go fishing factored before his child. I say this because as parents if you could see four days into your holiday your child was being isolated and was unhappy would you truly not cancel to cheer them up?

I don't blame the dad for going on the fishing trip, it was just 1 day and he did come back early and then probably wished he hadn't bothered as she decided to be sulky. The dad sounds like he had agreed to meet up with friends who had probably travelled to meet him. I often do that on holiday.
I agree that it sounds more like the stepmother's second house / holiday cottage with the gardening and them knowing local kids.
The father and stepmother should have insisted the 2 girls include her and when they saw how the dynamics were playing out should have decided to organise some days out, although 11-16 year olds on days out can be hard work "it's boring" "I don't want to go for a walk" etc.

The OP said that her ex offered to do things with her and she declined.

It seems that posters have allowed this thread to be exaggerated into a poor vulnerable child unable to make friends has been shut up alone in the cottage all week when actually what seems to have happened is that she's not wanting to join in some things and is then crying to her mum.

Fuck me, some of the responses here are just crazy.

'You will ruin your relationship with her', 'she won't be able to trust you with the big things'.... listen to yourselves.

She is sulking, her dad tried to engage with her and she sulked instead. I think we have a case of a typical 14 year old girl cutting off her nose to spite her face. I wonder how much effort she has made to join in with things herself?

She is 14 and with her father and isn't enjoying her holiday. Mummy doesn't need to come to the rescue. DD needs to make the best of it or sulk quietly and the father needs to deal with the rest.

these are sixteen and fourteen year olds not toddlers you can tell to behave nicely and share.

So they should have no compassion or thought for anyone elses feelings but their own? Behaving nicely stops when you hit 15, does it? They still have a parent, and I dont see why a reasonable request from that parent can automatically be totally ignored simply because theyre 16. Its not like theyre being told to do a week of babysitting ffs!

It seems that posters have allowed this thread to be exaggerated into a poor vulnerable child unable to make friends has been shut up alone in the cottage all week when actually what seems to have happened is that she's not wanting to join in some things and is then crying to her mum.

Exactly. Some people have vivid imaginations.

his need to go fishing factored before his child. I say this because as parents if you could see four days into your holiday your child was being isolated and was unhappy would you truly not cancel to cheer them up?

No I wouldn't. They could manage for four hours if it is something I planned a long time ago.

id phone your DSs and tell them to stop being such little sods!

BTW, OP, you can still support her by making suggestions of what she can do, what she can say to her dad and siblings, and maybe even talk about how you dealt with your rubbish holidays.
Listen to her, but help her stick with it and to adapt to that other family dynamic, not pull her out of there and make that adaptation even more difficult.

Advise your ex, if he's willing to listen, but it's his responsibility how he handles his relationship with her.

buffy don't twist what I said, I was talking about MY dd, I never once said all 14 year old girls and I certainly never said ignore her calls.

What is it with people only reading what they want to see? [Confused]

U2 fully appreciate your view
Think there are questions in regards to holiday such as was this a trip arranged around fishing trip in which case you are right not sure I would do a first blended holiday that way but people know their own families best.
If not arranged around fishing trip what family activities have there been and agree should not be an all day everyday but should be some so far OP posts suggest it's been more of a we're here off you go to amuse yourselves type thing.
My view I fully admit is coloured by growing up in a divorced family firmly feeling replaced by my fathers' new family as we had different expectations of shared time and I am now a parent in a blended family working hard to ensure no one is left out and birth and step child both feel that there is balance when activities are arranged. Best of luck to OP this must be incredibly hard

I have a 14yo dd, her favorite thing in the world is being miserable, that is when she is at her Happiest!

this brought back vivid memories. Whereas dd had previously spent a beach holiday in and out of the water having fun this one year she mainly sat on the beach in full black, rock band hoody with hood up. By next year she's had undergone some sort of factory reset and was back to having fun again. They're hilarious aren't they. (In hindsight)

Even my 11 year old boy looks the happiest of children when on the beach, then later complains he's fed up and wants to go home to his electronic games. Sigh.

Is she normally a bit of a drama llama? It's difficult to know whether this is teen histrionics or something more important. Only you can judge, really.

I have a 14yo dd, her favorite thing in the world is being miserable, that is when she is at her Happiest!

This is not my own personal experience.
Just shows that all 14 years olds are different.

Thi